I don't want to have sex, it's your fault! You don't want to have sex? It's your fault!

McFeely_Smackup · 2012-07-12T19:03:54+00:00

I dated a girl for a while who had a VERY low sex drive. She faked it for a while when we first started dating, but when she felt comfortable that things were getting serious, it just stopped like a light switch.

She had very well rehersed methods of blaming me for her lack of desire. Her favorite was to claim her unbridled passionate desire built up slowly (like filling a bucket), but she hated being approached for sex so much, it would instantly wipe out all build up desire. So her idea was I should absolutely never ask her for sex, she would tell me when she was ready. weeks would go by, and if I actually said "it's been a while" she'd respond with "oh DAMMIT, I was so horny today I really wanted to have sex, but now you've ruined it!"

After she pulled that a few times I told her it just wasn't going to work and broke up with her. She started begging me to get back together, insisting that she had changed and I'd like "the new Lori".

Yeah, I didn't like the new Lori any better than the old one. The first time she pulled her usual shit again, I literally said "I'm out!" and never saw her again.

Hach8 · 2012-07-12T19:10:00+00:00

I recently had to work through the same issues with my SO of several years. It's a lot of pressure, and I think sex is an issue that the MRM should really consider as more serious.

There's a huge pressure on men to want (and provide) sex all the time. The cultural narrative sort of implies that men are always down to have sex at the drop of a hat, which isn't always the case for a variety of reasons. And to make it worse, if a man isn't in the mood, he's often suspected of infidelity.

Then there's the pressure of putting your SO in the mood. It is almost always implied that the man has to spend much effort with all his time to get the woman to be in the mood with the now "extended" dialogue of foreplay. That is not just stuff like pre-sex kissing and petting, but things like doing chores, or doing something your SO wants before sex is on the table.

Then there's "during" sex, where it's almost universally considered the man's "Job" to ensure that women enjoy it. And don't get me wrong, I want women to enjoy sex obviously, but aside from the altruistic side of enjoyment, there's the stigmatization that you're a shitty man if you don't bring a woman to (multiple?) orgasm during sex.

And then there's the sort of implicit idea that women are doing men a favor just by presenting their vaginas. Men get ridiculed and mocked for implying that women could do more to ensure that men enjoy sex, as much as men are pressured to ensure that women enjoy it.

And this is outside of the entire feminist narrative which tends to treat sex as some sort of transgression against women, unless women are the ones to initiate it.

When you stack all of these pressures on top of each other, it's no wonder pornography is such a popular outlet, even for men in relationships.

Sorry for getting off topic of your question, OP. I would not say you have terrible luck with women, because I've had similar luck myself and it's (clearly) bothered me. My best advice is to have an open discussion about it with your significant other next time she gets upset with you about not wanting to have sex. Tell her why you feel like there is just too much pressure because you feel like everything falls on your shoulders, and while that's fine SOMETIMES, in general it drains the "fun" out of "sex" which is a sad, sad thing.

It worked for me, and my SO and I have a better sexual relationship now because of it. There still feels like there is a lot of pressure and often I feel like it does drain the fun out of it still, but she is more understanding and open now, which helps. So my advice would be to talk it out. Make sure you have your points laid out, and in a non-accusatory or combative way though, as it is obviously a touchy subject.

TheSacredParsnip · 2012-07-12T17:50:50+00:00

I don't want to start a circle jerk about double standards but ....

I just had a similar discussion. I think your post shows how messed up our society is when it comes to gender roles and how masculinity is defined/portrayed in the media.

I wouldn't say you have terrible luck. Many(some?) women handle the rejection much worse. Of course they take it personally. We're suppose to be bulls to put out to steer.... simple and carnal behaviors only. This is what our society values(or at least in the media).

rightsbot · 2012-07-12T17:32:17+00:00

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cthulufunk · 2012-07-12T17:39:22+00:00

Do I just have terrible luck with women?

No. You make poor choices with women.

It's clear that you've ceded dominance to your female partners and they are calling all the shots sexually. This rarely works well. Very few women have any clue or ability to be a good dominant partner, because a good dominant partner is both a leader and a caregiver. He/she initiates and leads but is also caring and giving.

Most women don't get the caregiver part of a sexual relationship because they are too self-focused. They expect to be taken care of by a man, not to take care of a man. That's why these women don't appreciate your need to be warmed up and put in the mood and won't take any responsibility for getting you there. That's why they mock you instead of reassuring you when it comes to rejection.

You have two options:

Find that rare woman who can be dominant AND caring sexually.
Become more dominant yourself. Power is sexually stimulating for most women, and if you exhibit that personal power, you will have a much easier time getting your partner in the mood. Just make sure you balance the dominance with caring so as not be become domineering.

Your odds are probably better with the latter option. I recommend this as a guide book to making that change.

InfallibleBiship · 2012-07-12T19:39:49+00:00

This particular girlfriend seems to feel like her needs are important, and yours are unimportant.

This isn't really a men's rights subject, you might try /r/relationships instead.

eggilicious · 2012-07-12T17:41:24+00:00

I was in one but that was just a fucked up relationship in general so I ended it pretty soon. When that happens just move on and cut your losses

typhonblue · 2012-07-12T20:36:05+00:00

http://www.genderratic.com/p/1682/fakingopen-thread/

http://www.genderratic.com/p/1673/how-a-limp-dick-can-save-the-worlduncut-version/

I know, link dumps and shameless self-promotion. But I thought these might help.

Trotrot · 2012-07-12T17:39:47+00:00

Sir I believe you're looking for /r/relationships or /r/askwomen.

AnnArchist · 2012-07-12T23:10:12+00:00

Nope. It's not just you.

a_weed_wizard · 2012-07-12T18:04:57+00:00

See: Pillow Queen

mikesteane · 2012-07-13T05:35:36+00:00

Also if you don't get an erection, that's your fault and if she doesn't get wet that's your fault too.

Funcuz · 2012-07-13T04:24:22+00:00

Actually , as you know , she simply didn't want to have sex at all . That's the part where you 'spice it up' . Not to sound like one of those free-love types who will try anything but eventually sex gets boring for everybody . The way around that is to make it seem like you're having sex with somebody else . Stuff like lingerie , a wig here and there , you know ... that sort of stuff .

I'm not saying I've done it but eventually I'm sure I'll wind up giving it a shot . Let's face it , lots of people do it and they seem to have decent sex lives .

Canadian4Paul · 2012-07-13T14:21:48+00:00

I have a similar situation with my current SO. I'm expected to have sex on a whim, despite being extremely tired from a long or physically demanding day, or any other variety of reasons. On top of that, I'm expected to do the "warming up" so to speak. If I refuse either of these, I'm usually guilted by her or reprimanded in another way (be it through her abstaining when I want sex, silent treatment, etc.). It's a classic method of "If I can't get what I want, I'm going to make sure you don't get anything you want".

On the other hand, I have to admit she is very good at understanding those time that I "need" sex. The difference being that if she's not in the mood herself, to put it bluntly... "you're gonna have a bad time".

ringer124 · 2012-11-21T16:53:02+00:00

You're not alone!

It has happened in every single long term relationship I have been in. I will tell you about one of them.

During the first few months, we would have sex 2-3x a day and at least half of it, if not more, would be initiated by her. Then, after the honeymoon stage started to dwindle, the sex started to dwindle, and it increasingly became my duty to get her in the mood - which I was fine with. But then when I would try to get her in the mood, by rubbing her shoulders, or kissing her neck, etc., she would tell me the only reason I was doing that is so I could get in her pants.

Now I will admit, many of those times she was right, and my ultimate goal was actually to get in her pants. But for the 100 times I gave her a back rub, wine and dined her, etc, maybe 10 would actually lead to sex.

However, when the tables were turned, and it rarely happened, but when it did, she would say things like, "Why dont I turn you on anymore," "you must not love me as much" and so on. Almost like I was being guilt tripped.

It really didn't make sense, when she didn't want to have sex, I was a nympho who only cared about getting laid. But when I didn't want to have sex, I was apparently not attracted and/or didn't love her as much anymore. Which was not the case whatsoever.

I think what happened was I became the sole initiator of sex. I was the one asking for sex all the time and it eventually made her feel like the "passion" wasn't there and I all I wanted was to use her body for my own pleasure. Then, on the rare occasion she initiated sex and I said, "no," it made her feel inadequate, since I always wanted sex and now I was rejecting her.

But I am not a psychotherapist and this is just my opinion. I'm sure there are many other underlying roots and different reasons as to why this happens.

However, here is an interesting article on, "Why women lose interest in sex." It might answer some questions for you.

http://www.livescience.com/18233-women-lose-sexual-desire.html

2012-07-12T22:32:38+00:00

You dated [or are dating] a clinically bipolar or narcissistic [or both] woman.

Generally, the average male will have a higher sex drive than the average female. In my anecdotal experience I have always had a higher sex drive than every woman I've dated/been with. Other friends have different experiences. I dated a woman for over a year who could not orgasm from penetration. Only a handful of times was she able to. She was perfectly able to orgasm with oral or tactile stimulation. She still loved to have sex because she knew I loved having sex with her, and that made her happy. Dated another woman for whom oral did nothing, and she needed g-spot stimulation to orgasm.

This will sound trite, but not all women are like the one you are with. This is pretty manipulative behavior and if I were you, I'd reconsider the relationship.

apotshot · 2012-07-13T07:11:39+00:00

I think quite a few women are like this. Not all, but most.

You really have to have a sexual chemistry, otherwise the woman will blame you for shit. She's going to have to be the horndog for you.

Title	I don't want to have sex, it's your fault! You don't want to have sex? It's your fault!
Author	KaydenFox
Upvotes	91
Comments	80
Date	July 12, 2012 5:26 PM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/wg90k/i_dont_want_to_have_sex_its_your_fault_you_dont/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/i-dont-want-to-have-sex-its-your-fault-you-dont.1018080 https://theredarchive.com/post/1018080

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