May I vent?

knowless · 2011-07-14T22:24:47+00:00

I'm forced to grovel over something I feel like she is projecting on to me and that lasts 20 min before she ends the call to go to the gym.

Never grovel over something you didn't do wrong. This is known as a "shit test". If you aren't familiar with that term, google it. Basically she is using some contrived bullshit to test your resolve. You failed miserably. The best technique is to remain unperturbed and indifferent to her histrionics. Give her some straightforward reassurance if she needs it - xavan512's remarks below are good - but don't back down, don't apologize, and for the love of whatever you hold sacred, man, don't grovel.

Was I insensitive?

No, you were too damn sensitive. You don't need to (and should not) appease a woman every time she throws a shit fit. Stand up for yourself. You may think this will cause escalating conflict, but most men discover that it is appeasement that leads to escalation, and that holding your ground leads to reconciliation. Women are like wolves - if you show fear it's all over for you!

Now, young paduan, it's time for your homework. Go read this and report back here in a week.

2011-07-14T21:36:13+00:00

How juvenile and immature of her. I've hung up on women for trying to play that card.

rantgrrl · 2011-07-15T00:12:44+00:00

No, no, no, no.

What you say is this.

'Of course I never felt butterflies for you when we dated. Not a single one. Nope. I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. That's how I knew you were the one I should marry. Because I had no feelings towards you at all. None. Not a one. Still don't. If I ever come to love you, we'll have to divorce. That's the way I roll.'

Kuonji · 2011-07-14T19:23:51+00:00

Your first mistake was being open and honest about your feelings.

lampplant · 2011-07-14T19:53:08+00:00

Ride a motorcycle.

Seriously, ride a motorcycle. You'll feel better, and she'll whine less. It sounds strange, but it works.

ManThoughts · 2011-07-14T20:25:27+00:00

She doesn't have any right to judge you for not feeling "butterflies." You experience love in a different way than her. She's projecting her subjective feeling onto you, and claiming since you don't know what "butterflies" feels like than you don't love her.

She's being a bitch.

hopeless_case · 2011-07-14T22:49:34+00:00

Shes being the asshole. You tell whether someone loves you based on the pattern of their actions, not whether they feel butterflies, or some other sensation.

knowless · 2011-07-14T20:28:14+00:00

I should not be giving advice, listen at your own peril::

Her expectations are for you to immediately recognize a vague sensation known as butterflies, what is butterflies? Apparently instead of attempting to explain herself she feels immediately rejected because of her preconceived notions. Trust issues maybe?

Your wife is being irrational and failing to communicate her emotions in a reasonable way, then saddling you with guilt, it is manipulative, I would call it a subtle tactic of control(abuse). if this is a constant thing then she needs to realize it is unfair to you.

The next time she acts like this (or better yet, before) maybe try talking to her about how irrational(maybe use the word "unfair") her expectations are, clear communication strategies, mutual understanding, etc.

in short, that's some fucking annoying shit, I hope she makes up for being so needy by being awesome in other respects, and also that this is a passing thing in your relationship.

edit/wanted to add: only apologize for things that are actually your fault, anything else expresses subservience and diminishment in the "butterfly feeling".

deadlyfalcon89 · 2011-07-15T00:48:10+00:00

Hah, yeah, this marriage is done for.

2011-07-15T03:45:16+00:00

She's being abusive.

ghebert001 · 2011-07-15T04:10:31+00:00

You're not insensitive or an asshole. Your wife has unrealistic expectations about what love really is. Love isn't "butterflies" or something Hugh Grant does in a romantic comedy...it's respect for one another, companionship, knowing you have each other's back...it's realizing that the other person may not have the same opinions or beliefs as you do, but you love them enough to not want them to change those opinions or beliefs just so you can feel better about yourself.

knowless · 2011-07-14T20:41:58+00:00

The butterfly feeling is how I gauge if I'm feeling actual love or that stupid teenage "love" when you have a crush on someone.

If I still have WAAAAY more pros than cons when the butterfly feeling goes away, I continue the relationship.

purrit · 2011-07-15T01:03:04+00:00

no, you're married to an adult child

kloo2yoo · 2011-07-15T02:32:58+00:00

It's bullshit. It happens a lot and I'm feeling whipped about it. Today, I'm just pissed off at her. Was I insensitive? Was I an asshole?

listen to what you're saying here.

cf:the milk ads

Title	May I vent?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	14
Comments	37
Date	July 14, 2011 7:18 PM UTC (15 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/ipp61/may_i_vent/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/may-i-vent.1037302 https://theredarchive.com/post/1037302

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