Has asking out a girl become stigmatised in today’s society or am I just coping?

Mrs_Drgree · 2021-09-19T11:33:08+00:00

No advice threads

NockerJoe · 2021-09-19T10:00:36+00:00

You probably have some anxiety but the honest to god truth is I've never seen a cold approach actually happen in the wild in my entire goddamn life. I can buy it does happen but even starting with a conversation isn't super common.

Hell, even when I talk to the most attractive dudes I know their strategy usually involves just sitting around until a woman is super transparently already interested.

I remember the week I first came to this sub I came with an informal study I did of a bunch of discord and steam randos and of all the men surveyed most of them would rather fight a feral dog than do a cold approach to a date they have to follow up on. I also asked what choice they thought most men would take and the dudes who picked the woman were actually more likley to think the average dude would take the dog. A lot of them were actually decently attractive and several of them actually got around a fair bit so I wasn't exactly picking incels either.

roman99789 · 2021-09-19T10:21:55+00:00

A certain percentage of women will think you're a creep no matter what you do. There's nothing you can do about it. That said, she knows nothing about you, so her chances of screaming harassment/assault/whatever and attacking your reputation are vanishingly small. Just go for it by making eye contact (don't stare).

Cimorene86 · 2021-09-19T10:12:41+00:00

I don't think you'd come across as a creep just by asking a woman out randomly. Creeps do things like abject staring, leering, making comments about your body, mimicking sex acts with their hands, negging, and invading your personal space. You were just thinking of asking someone out = not creepy.

However, I think it's good that you didn't, partially because you were sitting so close to each other. If she had turned you down for further conversation, it would have made things more awkward and tense. Like you said, she was probably there like you to enjoy a nice meal and de-stress. Having to go from "relaxed introvert mode" to "dealing with a stranger mode" can be somewhat jarring, as you probably know.

I'd say that asking women out isn't stigmatized as a whole, just in situations where it's obvious we aren't looking for socialization or actively avoiding it.

calisthenics-guy-96 · 2021-09-19T10:36:50+00:00

The biggest factor in determining whether a girl will find you creepy in this situation is not your behaviour, but your appearance and attractiveness in her eyes. Seeing as the majority of women find the majority of men unattractive, it's pretty likely. You might be past the certain looks threshold where it is a viable option to do cold approach and talk to women. However if you are, it is likely you already know by effortlessly getting positive attention from the opposite sex

Globbi · 2021-09-19T10:56:53+00:00

People react badly to a lot of things. It often depends on their current state of mind more than on what you do. Obviously there are also bad ways to do cold approach.

She might have some current problems and would lash out on you despite agreeing on date on a different day. She might like you but choke because of anxiety even if you think she doesn't look anxious.

There are also different situations. Random person on the street or just being in same restaurant is definitely less welcome than person you don't know but being at the same event (concert, book club, some class).

The most respectful way would probably be asking a waiter to ask if she'd mind you talking to her. If you approach yourself, also first ask if she minds you talking to her. She says "yes, I want to be alone" and you just reply "OK, have a nice day" and let her be, that should not be a problem. But also obviously her talking to you does not mean she wants to date later, her agreeing on meeting somewhere to do something together also does not necessarily mean it's instant romantic attraction from her side.

Is it possible that you'll meet an insane person that will label you as creep at some point in this despite you doing everything right? Sure, and it sucks badly if you already have social anxiety. But it usually doesn't happen (and if it does it means the woman wasn't worth pursuing anyway, crazy people exist), and when it happens it's usually not that bad in effect.

Social anxiety isn't easy, lots of people have it, rejection therapies can help.

I don't think cold approaches are especially stigmatized now. It was relatively short period of time that people in big cities dated random strangers in big cities. The further in the past, the more common it was to have arranged marriages, friends from neighborhood (and everyone knew everyone else in villages and small towns), people you know from school and work.

Lots of women would feel bad about a stranger asking them out 30 years ago. It's true that then they couldn't record you and blast about being approached by a creep on snapchat, they would only gossip with close friends. It was more like "Mr Brown from the mayor's office is so creepy, keep away from him". But that doesn't mean there's less approval of cold approach now, probably more with more and more sex positive women.

comfy_sweatpants5 · 2021-09-19T11:16:39+00:00

I (F 25) don’t think it would be creepy at all, but maybe refrain making comments about her looks right away, even if that’s what you noticed. You could make a comment about like “I noticed we were both alone” or make a comment about what she’s eating or reading or wearing (not sexual), see how she responds, and then say something like “maybe next time we can eat together” and give her your number on a piece of paper. I prefer this because I don’t feel pressure to respond in that moment. Rejecting men can be scary because people react unpredictably so being given a number and choosing to text/call or not takes them pressure off. This is, of course, just my single opinion on the matter but I can’t imagine how someone would feel creeped out in this situation, and if they did, that’s on them not on you.

LastofU509 · 2021-09-19T11:17:31+00:00

depending on mood, your face, your language skills, context, it might have worked

also it works better if the place you do it is outside and not crowded but also not empty of people

87AudreyHorne · 2021-09-19T10:02:47+00:00

People still approach each other all the time irl. But there has been more awareness about where, when and how to do it to not make the girl uncomfortable. For example, although approaching a stranger is a long shot either why, if you approached her when leaving and just told her you know it might sound weird but that you'd really like a cup of coffee with her sometime, if she's open to it here's your number (write it on a napkin or something) - and leave , would be a much better thing that to approach her whole she's in the middle of her thing and then has to keep being around you after she turns you down, or even make her have to turn you down and converse with you.

Go to a bar or a pub and people do plenty of approaching over drinks and easy conversation. Ask out a girl you know from somewhere and occassionally chat with who always seems enthusiastic to see you. But approaching random girls you dont know and imposing yourself is frowned upon with reason. If you're very good at judging situations there may be exceptions to the rule but if you're posting here for guidelines its easier to say just don't do that.

ChairNegative2514 · 2021-09-19T10:15:00+00:00

Cold approach has never been a thing ever in the past.

It's just gaslighting that people do nowadays to make unsuccesfull men believe that they are abnormal, anxious, etc. 'not confident enough' to cold-approach which is why they are single.

Which is an obvious lie. Since nobody is cold-approaching in the real world.

Apprehensive_Boat_70 · 2021-09-19T10:13:36+00:00

What are your reasons to approach her anyways? Do you feel good with yourself? Do you feel you must approach her? Do you feel the need to approach any minimally attractive woman you see?

Estaim · 2021-09-19T10:18:41+00:00

Nope nothing creepy here, just coping.

You should have went for it. If anything its less creepy than just staring.

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passepar2t · 2021-09-19T10:51:28+00:00

So what if you "come off as a creep?" You don't owe her shit and whoever responds to this by bringing up social contracts can jolly well rove off. She's probably not gonna call the cops on you and since you're a complete stranger, she's not going to take the effort to create a social media campaign to shame you or try to get you fired.

All you have to contend with and overcome is your own self-loathing.

wtknight · 2021-09-19T11:29:05+00:00

I don't think that being respectful and not being overly persistent is creepy, even if it is bothersome. People have different personalities too. Some don't mind friendly conversations in safe, public places. Others just don't want to be bothered. I don't think that one can really generalize whether it's acceptable or not, except that certain approach styles will be more likely to make the other person think that a guy is creepy.

CloacaDiddler · 2021-09-19T11:43:19+00:00

What if you’re a shy introvert that just wants to enjoy a meal, and because you happened to walk past someone to go to the bathroom and made fleeting/polite eye contact they now think they should try to pursue a romantic future with you? You’re enjoying your burger and a big bearded gay guy plunks into your space and goes “couldn’t help but notice you existing near me, want to come back to my shed and suck my dick? I can totally see us getting married one day too. Yep your mouth looks great slurping that nacho sauce. Not interested? Okay I’ll just sit at the table next to you shooting glances for the rest of your likely now rushed meal.”

Women existing, on earth, in a grocery store, doctors appointment, gas station, are not invitations to try to get laid. Men with known sexual interest are threatening because there’s no end to how low some will stoop to get it and you never want to be the next girl on a crime documentary. I would never in a million years agree to meet with a complete stranger I bump into on a street - does he have a secret family, loaded with STDs, murderous tendencies, sick fetishes, even just nothing to talk about - there’s no advantages to accepting a weanie offer from someone you know nothing about.

You boys need to get outside and interact with women platonically before jumping the gun and propositioning to rock her world for three minutes. Friends of friends, groups, local events, a discord chat, college. Go to your town farmer’s market and tell someone how cute their dog is - if they seem up for a conversation talk casually. Maybe by the end agree to meet for a no-pressure hang out surrounding a shared interest. Build up to it and stop putting the cart before the horse, not sure how many times this has to be said. Along with, not ever woman you see is a potential candidate. She may be alone but have a boyfriend, she may just not be interested. Point is, interact with people as humans first before pledging your undying love and peepee. But most men just want instant gratification and women do NOT owe you that. Sheesh, where are the sex dolls y’all promised you’d replace us with? Why can’t that and VR porn hold you off enough to stop trying to make passes at girls ahead of you in the check out line.

sanguinethorn · 2021-09-19T10:16:21+00:00

I live in London aswell, it's just an extremely hostile & cold environment in general so I wouldn't expect it to work. Try travelling to the home counties or stick to pubs/bars, generally friendlier.

Title	Has asking out a girl become stigmatised in today’s society or am I just coping?
Author	Estaim
Upvotes	20
Comments	43
Date	September 19, 2021 9:50 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/pr510f/has_asking_out_a_girl_become_stigmatised_in/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/has-asking-out-a-girl-become-stigmatised-in-todays.1075603 https://theredarchive.com/post/1075603

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