The title is a bit of an exaggeration, but that’s how I’m feeling. 48M living separately from 37F and 10 & 12 year old daughters, with a Separation agreement from a mediator in place. I initiated and eventually we both moved out and sold the home. She has now requested the mediator move forward with that agreement uncontested, as the divorce decree. I’m waiting to hear from the mediator to sign it and then the long wait for the judge.

Meanwhile, I’m trying my best to fulfill both the child support and the custody arrangements we laid out. 60/40 with primary custody going to her. Driving an hour each way 3 times a week to be with them, with overnights at my place every other weekend. Communication is tense and co-parenting is weak at best, but I’m hanging on by grey rocking and playing everything by the book. This game has been going on for 5 months now, so I’m still “new” to this and finding my way.

This weekend they spent 2 overnights with me and we talked a bit more about our “communication” struggles. The girls are in a combined therapy session and invited me last week so all 4 of us could discuss their concerns. They complain they hear two different stories about their schedule from us. I went so far as to suggest a shared Google calendar with the 4 of us so the girls can see exactly what we’ve agreed upon schedule wise. The therapist loved this idea. Ultimately, the STBXW and her parents suggest things without discussing them with me and then I’m blindsided when the girls tell me about plans they’ve made, during time we’ve already agreed that I have custody. Not a huge deal, and not something I would have said no to if asked, but it frustrates the hell out of me that they can just assume they can do this without asking first. Am I wrong to expect the in-laws and STBXW to ask me first before talking to the kids about these things?

I stayed calm and discussed this after dropping them off with the STBX, and she stopped her protesting for a second and actually listened. I don’t know how much actually sunk in, but I feel like her mother telling the kids they should come spend the night on some weekend I’m supposed to have them is weaponizing them against me. There’s no way I can say no, now that they’re looking forward to grammas cinnamon rolls and play time with the dogs. It may be innocent and fun this time, but am I just paranoid to think that this will lead to manipulation over time? Should I continue to put my foot down over this or am I the asshole?