Feel free to peruse my post history for background, but it's probably not worth it. It's funny in a way, because in reading those old posts, I realized that my marital problems had been the same for a long, long time. And there was no real solution in fixing the marriage. After my last post here and some of the comments encouraging me to seek my own therapist, I went and did it. I've been seeing him weekly for maybe 3 months now.

We talk exclusively about my issues in my marriage. How my wife is very uninterested in my interests, yet insists I be super invested in hers. How my wife is very addicted to cannabis and doesn't like being told that its impacting the family negatively. Tools and tricks on how to communicate with her, and how to interpret her behavior, how to "find my power", etc.

So I'm working on myself, trying to be less codependent, find my own agency in life. I think this has been driving my wife insane. I tell her no sometimes now. She hates it. I have clearly defined some important boundaries for me. She insists on pushing past those boundaries. She hates it when I reinforce them.

For example, I know my wife can't stop smoking weed. It's far too important for her to stop. But I cannot be around her when she's stoned. She's incredibly annoying to me. She does this loud stream-of-consciousness shit when she's stoned, barely pausing for a breath. She sometimes will ask me a question or try to interact with me, but these interactions are hollow because I really don't feel like she hears me anyway. So I told her that I am not telling her to stop smoking, but I will not engage with her while she's high. And that basically means my wife and I haven't really engaged at all lately. She's high often. And on the rare evening she doesn't get high so we can watch a TV show together or something, she's so pissed at me that she's not smoking that it is not a pleasant experience.

This is a relatively new addition in our lives. With the weed also came an addiction to TikTok which I could never quite get past. I hate that she spends so much time on the service. I hate the videos she makes. I find them so cringey and embarrassing and bizarre frankly. With the TikTok addiction came other strange interests which she has adopted as part of her core self: belief in tarot, reincarnation, astrology, healing stones, shit like that. Her new core self is basically: weed, new-age spirituality, TikTok, bisexuality, and social justice (I feel like I need to clarify this, since I am also a pretty far-left guy with deep interest in social justice, but my wife talks about it ALL THE TIME. We cannot have a single conversation without talking about racism or feminism or social issues. Like sometimes I just want to have a meaningless discussion on a TV show or something, I don't need every single discussion to be so intense like that). I feel totally disconnected from all this, and in a way I think she adopted this new personality to push me away.

Anyway, so this weekend one of our typical talks got way too heated. It turned into a 3 or 4 hour argument. By the end of it, she just told me she wants a divorce. She had said the same thing a week or 2 ago but took it back the next day. I don't think she's taking it back this time. And I'm relieved honestly. I don't want her to take it back. I want a divorce. I wanted to make sure I did every single thing possible to save the marriage before calling it quits, and honestly I don't think I've done everything yet. I think I am on my current path of fixing myself, but my wife doesn't like me acting outside of her control. So I guess that ends it. And I can rest easy knowing I did everything in my control to save it. It just isn't salvageable. My wife is the one who feels like she's exhausted all possible options, so she's calling it a day herself.

I have a mix of emotions. Mostly its relief. After that is fear for my 2 girls (9 and 5). Then intense and overwhelming sadness that I won't be as involved in their lives anymore, at least not in the same way I was before. I've already come up with some plans on how we can continue to connect with less time, generally speaking.

I do want to thank the community here for your support from guys who have been there. I do not come from divorce. I have very little experience with it. Reading your experiences and struggles have helped.