What do you guys DO?

thedukeinc · 2022-02-10T17:09:26+00:00

As someone who has gone through similar here are few things 1. Maintain a journal to write your emotions, plans, goals, checklists 2. Forgive people and learn how to let go. A Buddhist quote “In the end only three things matter, how gently you lived, how greatly you loved and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you” 3. Workout, go running, go jogging, do home workouts, yoga, meditation and even stretching. 4. Go out. Don’t lock yourself at home. Enjoy outdoors, night time view in a city, a movie 5. Be selfish and worry about your happiness. Take yourself out on a date to a nice restaurant. 6. Take up a hobby, plan for future. 7. When you go through one of those days, rather than focus on what happens/happened, focus on the present, on that day. Will help your mind to set a short term goal and helps you focus

jalopkoala · 2022-02-10T17:12:02+00:00

I saw a post on daddit the other day about a guy taking 10 minutes to take out the trash so he can have some alone time. And everyone thought it was so funny and “same!”

One blessing of divorce is to have that me time.

I’m back in grad school which is fun. I have a long term dating situation (very clear to her we are not on path towards cohabitation or being a step-mom). And pre pandemic spent a lot of time in the gym and with the unlimited AMC pass.

Adorable_FecalSpray · 2022-02-10T17:22:20+00:00

I am always interested in self-improvement. While I do enjoy taking a night or a few off and just relaxing and not doing anything too serious, most of the time I like to focus on goals that I have set for myself, short term and long term. It seems that when I don’t have goals and I end up just being aimless. Which again is fine for a few days or even a week but pass that the weeks turn into months and those turn into years and soon you look back and see that you’ve not accomplished very much with your life.

I write this up and share it pretty frequently on here. I hope you can find something useful in it.

Advice when faced w divorce

Here is what I did and highly recommend to other guys going through divorce to start doing (these are just the basics).

Lift, heavy weights. If you don’t have access to heavy weights, then body weight exercises and high-intensity cardio. The idea is you physically exhaust your body, which increases good chemicals in your brain. It will make you look better too, which helps with self-confidence. This can help w feelings of anger too. Also more muscles, those are good too.

Start and do BJJ, Muay Thai and/or Boxing 3-6x a week. This will help you mentally as well as physically. Also it will help you be somewhat social. This can help w feelings of anger too. Punching a heavy bag for 5 minutes straight is pretty tiring and builds endurance and strength. And after a few minutes you are just thinking of breathing and hitting and not a whole bunch else.

Find some hobbies to do, old ones you stopped or some new ones. Guitar, woodworking, piano, dancing, yoga, stamp collecting, shooting, home improvement projects, model building. For when you aren’t lifting heavy weights and/or rolling or punching something. The idea is that you find something that brings you joy and keeps your mind and body occupied.

Stay away from alcohol (drugs), do not rely on it to numb the pain. Sure, have a drink or two but don’t let it be a crutch. You are stronger then that. Also use this time to fix your nutrition (I prefer low carb and high protein and fat, along w Intermittent Fasting). And also get your sleep, your brain needs to be sharp while you are going through this. Can’t sleep? Try melatonin, sleep / relaxation apps, meditation, prayer, fixed bed time routine.

Start pursuing some alternate stream(s) of income other then your regular 9-5. Start w writing business ideas that you could do in 10-20 hours a week then start pursuing them. Doesn’t have to be huge but something that brings in extra money and gives your mind something to do. (Legal bills will add up quickly, even on amicable splits). Maybe doing some driving for Lyft / Uber or Door Dash, real estate investing (podcast Bigger Pockets) or maybe you have some skill you haven’t used in a bit that can bring in some extra cash (Tutoring, guitar lessons, dog walker, etc).

Learn to meditate, starting w a couple minutes a day and work your way up to 10-15 minutes. (This actually lowers my blood pressure, I’ve measured before and after. It also helps w obsessive negative thoughts). There are several apps out there, I use Headspace. If you are religious pray, read your Bible or other holy book.

Make your living space your own. Whether you get to stay in your house or have to move. Over time put furniture, art, plants, and other items that YOU want and will be proud to show to people you invite over.

Get a therapist. You might have to trial a couple before you find one that you click with and you feel that they understand you. Do NOT feel bad about firing them. If they are any good they will help you set some goals for the sessions. Sometimes sessions won’t be super productive other times they will be. It’s a process that takes some time and won’t last forever. But it will help you struggle through the mental quagmire (shit) and grow stronger and move on.

Reach out to friends and family to keep those connections alive or to re-kindle them. Be careful about venting to family and friends about your situation or Ex. It is alright to do for close relationships but keep it vague and short. That is what the therapist is mostly for.

Read books and/or listen to audiobooks, here are some recommendations that I found helpful (I really think the audiobooks are a good investment. I can take a 4 hour road trip and finish a book. Learn to listen at faster speeds.):

• ⁠Models

• ⁠No More Mr. Nice Guy!

• ⁠The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

• ⁠The 4-Hour Workweek

• ⁠48 Laws of Power

• ⁠How to Win Friends and Influence People

• ⁠The Rational Male

• ⁠ Can’t Hurt Me

• ⁠ Extreme Ownership

• Discipline Equals Freedom

• ⁠ Boundaries

• ⁠Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship

• ⁠Stop Walking on Eggshells

• ⁠Magic Words

• ⁠The Co-dependent’s User Manual (The last 4 are if your Ex was a Narc or Borderline)

The above are just the basics, if you have kids there should be a few others things you should start doing. If your Ex has a personality disorder there are several more things you need to do.

Do not share w your Ex you are doing these things. If she finds out, ok but this is your business for you to focus on. Do not let her draw you into talking about these things. They are yours and yours alone.

This not a sprint, it is more like a marathon, just keep moving forward one foot in front of the other. Your journey won’t be straight, some days you will feel like shit, some days you won’t. The important thing is that you keep doing some positive things in your life, for yourself.

And lastly, do NOT jump right back into another serious relationship. Figure out the part you played incoming to the divorce. Maybe it wasn’t much or maybe it was. Figure that out and be honest with yourself and accept feedback from those that know you (family, friends, therapist). Be ok w being on your own for awhile. Do NOT repeat the same mistakes that got you where you are right now. I would recommend taking at least a year to work on the above before dating again. If you really focus on the above you will go back to the dating market, if you so choose, in a much much better position.

Don’t give up, you’ve got this.

TrollCityBlunder · 2022-02-10T16:13:23+00:00

Yeah the debauchery gets boring after awhile. I got bored of my routine so I started focusing more on my workouts, setting high goals that force me to get to the gym everyday. Adding cardio back in the mix to spend more time working out.

I relocated and took a different role, as well. Do that if you can. Not for everyone.

IrunsoIcaneatcookies · 2022-02-10T16:37:05+00:00

I began jogging just to get out of the house. I’ve lost 25 lbs since the wife moved out in October.

And yes, I still eat cookies.

But I need to spend some time learning how to cook different meals.

Rough-Area4765 · 2022-02-10T16:15:01+00:00

Fishing. Seriously. It teaches you patience. It’s a form of mediation. And you can use the fish pics in your profile on the dating apps!

I am so hooked on fishing right now and have been for years. Night time fishing is awesome.

Find a local marina or fishing group, you don’t even need a boat. Shore fishing, barge fishing, or book a local guide and go. It’s a cheap hobby and has its rewards. Catch and release. So much wisdom is gained in the art of fishing.

Deezcleannutz · 2022-02-10T16:12:46+00:00

I spend my time with friends when possible.

AreaGuy · 2022-02-10T16:50:03+00:00

Exercise, I’ve been running and plan to find some body weight routine, as finances are tight for me tool. Pick up a musical instrument. Ukuleles, for example, can be fun and cheap and there are tons of tutorials online. Hold off on smoking until you’ve read a book. Go for a walk with your dog in the neighborhood and meet people. Or, get a dog that you can then take on walks in your neighborhood to meet people.

Speaking of fun and cheap! Bumble or Tinder. I’ve chatted with tons of women, which has helped get my flirting game back on track. Even dated a few, which has further helped with confidence and I don’t feel like I’ve wasted a night, even on the dates that don’t pan out.

geology_socks · 2022-02-10T16:51:55+00:00

Maybe get a little space heater for the garage? Those little Coleman heatbuddies are magic.

I second fishing. I’ll likely save it for once or twice a month but spend my free time prepping and cleaning up after a trip.

I’ve tried to ride the debauchery down to the ground. Video games, junk food, sleeping late. It never works. Routine is what humans NEED and drifting from one stimulus to the next is painful. I wish I could get into wood working like you. Maybe one day I’ll figure coding out.

Metallicatica · 2022-02-10T18:16:15+00:00

Unplug your TV. Workout. Listen to podcasts. Read books. Grow as a man, intellectually and physically. Pursue your passions.Make yourself the best man you possibly can, to be the best father you possibly can. And quit smoking.

Mediocre-Plantain-68 · 2022-02-11T17:43:40+00:00

why do I never hear golf on here? you can get decent enough to play in pickup games in like a year, and you meet tons and tons of people that way. And trust me, if you carry your bag at your ($20 or so) public 9 hole course you will be tired.

You can get used equipment which will be juuuuust fine for your skill level for $300 and last you 5 years until you’re good enough for better clubs to actually improve your game.

Go hit 300 balls at the practice range and tell me if you’ve ever been more tired or sore in your life. it uses every single muscle in your body - toes to head. taking swing after swing after swing is a whole different ballgame (get it?) that riding in a cart with your bag in the back driving (get it?) to your ball.

TP_Crisis_2020 · 2022-02-12T02:43:14+00:00

I've been piecing a turbo kit together for my street truck and have been freshening up and preparing the engine that I'm swapping in. 5.3 with ring gap mod, ebay GT45 turbo, and a 4l80e.

If you're mechanically inclined, dragging home a cheap project car, getting a propane heater for the garage, and spend the winter building the engine for it is a good way to pass the time.

thedukeinc · 2022-02-10T17:09:33+00:00

As someone who has gone through similar here are few things 1. Maintain a journal to write your emotions, plans, goals, checklists 2. Forgive people and learn how to let go. A Buddhist quote “In the end only three things matter, how gently you lived, how greatly you loved and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you” 3. Workout, go running, go jogging, do home workouts, yoga, meditation and even stretching. 4. Go out. Don’t lock yourself at home. Enjoy outdoors, night time view in a city, a movie 5. Be selfish and worry about your happiness. Take yourself out on a date to a nice restaurant. 6. Take up a hobby, plan for future. 7. When you go through one of those days, rather than focus on what happens/happened, focus on the present, on that day. Will help your mind to set a short term goal and helps you focus

childish_badda_bingo · 2022-02-10T16:04:58+00:00

Tinder 😂

DntCareBears · 2022-02-10T17:01:45+00:00

Start working out if you haven’t already. Now that you’re divorced, you have your “Me time”.

The first thing I recommend is that you learn about time. Learn about the passage of time and what it means to you and how it will affect you with time. I’m not talking about looks, but rather where you are putting your time and how will that pay off in the long run.

You can go on all the dating sites and chase all the women you want, but at the end of the day is that giving you utility to be able to provide afford a better home, improve your financial situation or provide a better life to your children.

I’m about a few days away from my divorce being finalized. But over the last four months I have just been focusing on reading and studying. I’ve been doing this throughout the entire divorce process yes I have gone on dates, but I have been very cautious about where I spend my time. Whatever you do don’t go jumping into a relationship and compromise because you feel alone.

Learn how to be alone. learn the art of not giving yourself away to someone to only be their entertainment. Save your money start lifting weights and get in the best shape of your life. I’m not sure how old you are but I’m in my early 40’s. At this age, women are looking for the retirement. Don’t be someone’s retirement. Be careful what you do and how you spend your time my friend.

Here are two books I recommend you read. Time management for mortals - Oliver Burkeman. He was on the Sam Harris podcast checked him out.

Why has nobody told me this before - Dr Julie Smith

Billywizzer2021 · 2022-02-10T17:05:53+00:00

I would recommend a hobby that includes social interaction as an evening mixing with people will make you feel better about yourself but also make the time pass quicker.

Wld_N_frE · 2022-02-10T17:07:24+00:00

Working out, dating, go do a couple regular activities to get out.

thefudmaster · 2022-02-10T17:27:29+00:00

I find new hobbies to enjoy and I've gotten back into lifting. Nothing does well with me better than barbell therapy.

ready_4_the_mayans · 2022-02-10T17:42:26+00:00

Work out! I've always been in pretty good shape, but got back to more regular workouts and eating better, and haven't been this fit since my early 20s. I feel awesome, and the compliments are fun too.

I've also been making sure to connect more often with close friends that I "didn't have as much time to" the last several years.

Take time to focus on you, what makes you feel good all around.

SpacemanLost · 2022-02-10T18:52:28+00:00

I had to focus on rebuilding, especially for the first couple years. Myself mentally from years of an abusive relationship, as well as financially, being a hundred grand in debt and having to pay five thousand a month is alimony and support. So I didn't go our much. I focused on my time with my kids, my work, and relaxed with cheap things like video games, coding, going to the gym, etc.

I spent a lot of time figuring out how I could improve myself and avoid the mistakes and traps in any future relationship. It required some brutal honestly and willingness to confront the parts that were 'on me'. It paid off, I'm coming up on my 8th anniversary of being with a spouse who still delights me and proves to be a vested partner and supports me daily.

CropCircle77 · 2022-02-10T19:18:59+00:00

The propane stove in my garage cost me €100,-. It's not super cozy but if I need to get shit done it does the job.

Brit_100 · 2022-02-10T19:25:16+00:00

Lift weights, ride bikes, cook food, occasionally turn some wood into sawdust. That’s about it really.

HaloJonez · 2022-02-10T19:35:18+00:00

I run now and it freakin’ rules all over the b.s It started as a stroll, then a walk, a brisk walk, trot and stop, trot, jog run, sprint and each time I tried I got better at it. The pain doesn’t change, you get stronger. Deep down you know what you want to do so get too it brother.

jimsmythee · 2022-02-10T19:44:20+00:00

I made a list of all of the stuff I couldn't do when I was married to the exwife.

I live in dry AZ, so I got a drying rack setup. My exwife used to put the wet clothes in the dryer and set it for highest heat and set for 60 minutes. Ended up burning most of the clothes they came out so hot, such a waste of electricity, especially in summer when the AC is running. Simple pet peeve I guess. So I setup a drying rack station for my jeans, socks, underwear, etc. Anything that didn't really need to be dried. Utility bills dropped when it was just me and the kids.

I setup a spot in the garage with supplies for my car -- Air filters, fluids, wiper blades, armorall, etc. All of the stuff she complained about if I did it myself, because it was "time away from her and her needs."

After that was done, I thought to myself, as I was in my house. "If I had to move out of here in 3 weeks, what would I get rid of?" I gathered up piles and piles of junk, and sorted it into 3 piles. First pile was garbage and no value. Second pile was goodwill stuff. Third pile was stuff I didn't want anymore, but I could sell off via FB marketplace, craigslist, or even eBay. She left her wedding dress, and it had no value. But I traded it for a camera and 2 lenses.

Stuff like that.

HelixFish · 2022-02-10T19:51:49+00:00

I’m with my fiancée when not with my kids. However, I’ve been getting rid of lotsa shit in my house as my kids are mid teens now and I’m trying to nuke my garage. Just lotsa shit that I don’t need anymore. Need to downsize my garage junk. Also doing some woodworking, just got a thickness planer. My fiancée is often super busy, so I’ve taken up some mycology growing hobbies to grow shiitake and shimeji mushrooms. Fun, slow, lotsa work.

RepresentativeOk5968 · 2022-02-10T20:01:40+00:00

I play strategic board games with friends (but I've always done that). Use meetup app or FB to find local events in your area. Doesn't really matter what your hobby is but it helps if it gets you out of the house and meeting other people. You don't want to wall yourself off in your home to waste away in the dark. Be social and get out there.

Classic_Dill · 2022-02-10T20:39:47+00:00

I generally juggle about 3 different female interests, smoke a little herb, have dinner, read or watch a documentary/movie and talk to family members/friends.

Probably going to stop dating for 6 months to a year though, i do OK, but i found out as lonely/horny as i get...meaningless one night stands have the opposite effect on me, if someone comes along that really shares the same energy as me? I'm all in for a relationship.

CommanderOfCheese45 · 2022-02-10T21:03:38+00:00

Bought myself an Oculus Quest 2. Got the game Beat Saber. Working my way up to being able to play every song on Expert mode and holy hell is it a workout for my arms.

Got myself a pair of boxing gloves. There's a gym at my apartment and a punching bag. Working on my footwork around the bag. Also using the equipment. Not skipping leg day :P

Regular trips to the library. Read some interesting books. I'm a tech geek so Orson Scott Card's stuff has been interesting, and also read some Cory Doctorow.

Started writing a novel. I'll share a link here if anyone cares to check it out; I could use more sets of eyes. It has served as a place to vent frustration while expanding my imagination.

For a while I was baking and sharing the results with my neighbors.

AdultishRaktajino · 2022-02-10T22:05:09+00:00

Volunteering is a solid option if you have a cause or two you care about. It could be coaching a certain sport or being a mentor to a kid who doesn't have a male figure in their life. I coach because I can spend more time with my kids that way.

I'm a volunteer firefighter and it comes with some fringe benefits. Can usually find someone to go grab a drink with whenever. Also, the department wives often have some newly single friend of theirs they want to set you up with.

JohnnyMnemo · 2022-02-10T22:05:59+00:00

Pre-covid, I'd go out to music or events.

Since then, I feel like I've been in a holding pattern.

derelictherds · 2022-02-10T22:24:44+00:00

I hit the weights for 1.5 -2 hours daily. It's therapy for me.

LonelyNC123 · 2022-02-10T23:41:37+00:00

Work out and read.

Darkfire66 · 2022-02-11T00:54:33+00:00

Whatever the fuck I want. Read a book, work out, get a fresh fade, have tacos and beers with a college girl and then blow her back out, the world is yours.

Future-Platform8225 · 2022-02-11T01:03:37+00:00

Dude you sound like a candidate for fly tying. Probably helps to like fishing etc but some people tie and never fish. I got to it to make more flies and not hang 5 dollar hair poppers in trees but have found I like creating stuff on the vise about as much as I do slamming bass on the river. Also I wonder hobby lobby in search of materials like foam, fabric, chenilles, feathers of all sort etc. Not the only thing I do but a shot ton of fun once you enter the rabbit hole.

walkingdisaster4046 · 2022-02-11T01:23:27+00:00

What feeds your soul bringing you joy in life?

Personally, I Exercise, a lot preferably outdoors. Walk while thinking or listening to podcast, play and compose music (trying to learn new instrument), go to the movies, backcountry camping, learning how to surf, etc.

Put yourself out there and try new things. You’ll be surprised what you find out about yourself, learn and grow. Plus, it’s a lot of fun.

corradoswapt · 2022-02-11T03:34:06+00:00

Maybe try out disc golf..

SireSweet · 2022-02-11T17:13:07+00:00

I work two full time jobs. On my "Down time", I prefer to sleep, look at possible investments, go over my banking information.

I love to go to the Gym. I just don't make the time to do it these days.

I really enjoy coffee and trying to eat right but right now my focus is decreasing my debt. That said, I have found a new love of going out to eat at places. I'm homeless (by choice).

At 38, I think it's sort of a good thing I'm able to attract youngish women. I've slept with a few. Which lead me to believe that I don't really enjoy one-nighters. Younger generations are much more wild. I walk much more confidently.

I attempt to call my daughter almost every day. I want her to know that I'm there for her and she can talk to me about things.

Stonks4sport · 2022-02-14T23:56:46+00:00

Working out is the move!

Eve-3 · 2022-02-15T05:29:07+00:00

I'm stunned by all the responses and most stunned not to see my first thought.

What free time? Put the house back together, get the laundry caught up, do some grocery shopping, clean some more. If there's any time left that's prime nap time. Two days goes quick! How are you all fitting in real lives?

Title	What do you guys DO?
Author	relationshiptossoutt
Upvotes	22
Comments	106
Date	February 10, 2022 3:56 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/sp9sss/what_do_you_guys_do/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-do-you-guys-do.1101383 https://theredarchive.com/post/1101383

Comments