Can you de-programmed a red pilled partner?

samanthamolina · 2022-01-18T02:31:35+00:00

He used to be a very nice, sweet guy and that part of him is still there but I fear it's only a matter of time before he goes full TERP on me.

Tell him "I used to love the nice and sweet guy you were, and you are no longer that person therefore I cannot longer love you", and then break up with him. Do not tell him anything about the red pill. If he is a smart guy he will realized how his actions led him to lose you and he might choose to change. Maybe he will apologize and want you back, but that is your choice. Remember you have to put yourself first.

Legitimate-Hamster50 · 2022-01-17T17:55:16+00:00

It isn't a lost cause. However, he took the red pill a bit too far to the point of being an incel. If he has female friends that is just bull shit for you not being able to have male friends. He is worry that this guy or one of your friends will pick you up and take you away. If you honesty cheated in a previous relationship and told him, that doubt can make him more worry.

I am happy you are standing up for yourself and not taking his poor behavior. You can tell him honestly how you feel and tell about therapy, even contacting a therapist that being able to help him.

Letting this be clear you can't change him. If he doesn't want to go to therapy, you can't force him to. The only person that can change you is yourself. If he doesn't want to seek help and you feel like he's going to be full TERP, then tell him how you feel and drop him(either in person or telephone call). You can come back to him if he changes but that be up to you.

Basic-Distribution14 · 2022-01-18T15:23:44+00:00

Let him go please. You’ll be in a abusive relationship.

Xx_SwordWords_xX · 2022-01-17T17:43:22+00:00

You're not married; you should be vetting partners and working on yourself. You do not need to work on anyone else.

alexbrove · 2022-01-17T22:13:22+00:00

Take it from someone who has had to crawl herself out of a decade long abusive relationship, you need to get out. Save yourself and don't look back. I wish someone had been kind enough to warn me sooner.

It is close to impossible to make a relationship work with an emotionally immature person. This man has a lot of growing up to do, but he needs to do it on his own. As long as you are in his life, it will distract him from realising that he has a problem and he will just continue to blame you, blame the relationship or blame his past. Either way, you won't see any progress with him.

Also, it doesn't even matter if he's red pilled or not, he's shown you that he's emotionally immature and that's enough of a reason to walk away. Men with this problem will only 'act' mature and stable when they want to win you back but they will keep going back to their default nature because they cannot accept that they have a problem.

Unless you want to become a psychiatrist, and spend the next few years figuring out what's wrong with him, then I suggest that you walk away. It's hard to see someone that you care about behave like this but it'll be much better for you in the long run to take the time to find someone who is more stable and treats you as well as you treat them.

HelenHavok · 2022-01-18T00:15:49+00:00

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It doesn’t matter if it’s directly RP or not. Plenty of abusive and controlling partners have never heard of TRP. Obviously his word choice indicates it probably is, but it doesn’t affect my advice at all:

This is abusive and controlling behavior. It’s just starting and it will escalate. No amount of past or future sweetness should cancel out this bad behavior. You can’t fix him and you can’t love him into treating you well. You are not “the only one who understands what he’s been through.” You are not compelled to put up with this behavior just because you know his trauma background.

He is testing the waters right now with you, to see how far he can push and have you capitulate. He will normalize this low-level controlling behavior to a point where you rationalize that it’s not so bad because he’s great most of the time. It’s okay not to have male friends because you have him and your family and your girlfriends, right? And then he will push more. Maybe it’s that he doesn’t like your girlfriends. Or maybe he feels uncomfortable around your family. Maybe he’s anxious when you leave the house or if you’re ever apart from him. Maybe he doesn’t like the way you dress or that you want to cut your hair a certain way, etc….He’s essentially beginning to groom you to be subordinate and isolated. He may not even actively understand what he’s doing or why, but this is what’s happening, and you’re like the frog slowly boiling in the pot because she didn’t notice the temperature change until it was too late.

The end result is that unless you want to be a doormat in a highly controlled relationship with an emotionally unstable partner who becomes irrationally angry, gaslights you, and isolates you, this isn’t going to work out. You deserve more than to be his accessory. You deserve to be an equal to your partner, trusted to have your own friends and say hi to whoever you damn well please without two days (or more) of blowback and threats of break-up if you don’t comply.

This guy can’t provide you with those things right now. Of course he can come back from the brink. But he can’t do it with you. He’s already comfortable with verbally abusing, controlling, and manipulating you. Think of it like an active gambling addict in a casino. It’s all too tempting, too easy, too comfortable to slip into bad habits when you don’t have the structure in place to say no. He needs to work on all these deep seated issues on his own, with qualified professionals, and then try a less toxic relationship down the line. It’s possible that could be you, in the future. Tell yourself that if it makes walking away a little less painful. But don’t wait around on him. Do what you want, see the people you want to see, travel, etc. without his cloud hanging over your head. You deserve better. And you know it.

jejuned · 2022-01-18T07:10:45+00:00

if the question is genuinely "can you deprogram a red-piller?" then the answer is no, especially if they are someone you personally know and especially especially if you know nothing about cult deprogramming. also, he has to recognize it as unhealthy and wish to change -- he doesn't.

if he's into mgtow, he wants to go his own way. let him. slam that fucking door. YOU are the one that is going to be hurt by any engagement he has with this cult, which is also why you can't be the one to "fix" this.

i'm sorry. i can't imagine how stressful this is.

petaura · 2022-01-18T23:12:55+00:00

You won't make it. Just run away from there and don't look back. I've been there, and believe me, you won't be able to change it. The best thing to do is to quit and stay away from men who use RedPill vocabulary. Look out for yourself first. You don't deserve to suffer just because he has done good things in the past.

atman714 · 2022-01-17T21:22:00+00:00

He started displaying signs of the red pill cult, using phrases like alpha, beta buck, simp, chad, etc recently. Would also make derogatory comments about female friends of mine. I asked him straight outright if he was being red pilled and he said he had no idea what I was talking about.

You do not necessarily need to be "redpilled" to use these terms and have this mindset, unfortunately. Alot of rightwing groups, particularly "trad" groups use all of these terms constantly. That being said, redpilled men are typically taught by coaches to never admit to being redpilled, because this would allow their woman to look up all their tactics

He said it was disrespectful and I must apologise. I didn't and wouldn't apologise.

This is narcissistic and abusive behavior. Just getting this far I've already made up my mind. Cut him off.

And then threatened to dump me if I continue to have male friends. I was just a sobbing mess, sat in his car. After about 30 minutes, he brushed it off and tried to stop me crying and went back to being all sweet. Later on in the afternoon he started saying he'd discovered MGTOW. I said it's a cult and really unhealthy. He laughed changed the subject.

More narcissistic and abusive behavior. It will only get worse with time, not better.

Is it a lost cause?

After reading all of this, yes. He needs to make the first steps to care for himself. If he doesn't care about his own mental health, why on earth should you be expected to? If, after a while, he does seek help and attempts to genuinely change with therapy, it's up to you. But for now, I think the answer is clear.

mammajess · 2022-01-19T09:12:18+00:00

He's taken it too far. He needs psychiatric help before he's ready for a relationship. You don't need to be abused. You can find a non abusive partner instead.

Hikarislayer · 2022-01-18T03:36:33+00:00

While everyone here is telling you to break up with him, I would advise taking it easy and not making any rash decisions right now.

Your boyfriend is probably not a narcissist, let alone a bad person. What we tend to ignore about cult strategies and pseudo science in general is that there is something extremely seductive there. The success of this type of fallacy and how it has grown more and more around the world is just one example of the ability these things have to activate emotional triggers in young men.

Men have very strong emotional responses to other people's emotions in general, and that's exactly why I would advise for you, try to approach this conversation in a more serene way. Talk about how he hurt you, make him realize that he has friends too and that doesn't necessarily mean cheating, make him realize that this biological hypergamy thing is a lie (There's a lot of material on the internet criticizing evolutionary psychology, it's a very little accepted field of psychology. Talk to him about it) but above all, calmly approach the topic "insecurity".

People tend to think that possessiveness and jealousy are signs of narcissism or any association with evil that comes to mind. While in reality, there are also thousands of scientific studies that associate jealousy and possessiveness with strong insecurities. Maybe he is just an asshole, but maybe your boyfriend is just afraid of losing you.

I think it's interesting that you assess the situation carefully, talk a lot with him (which I guarantee it won't be easy) and depending on the outcome of your conversations, you can make the decision. Remember that psychological treatment can be a great help for both of you, especially if the problem with him is actually insecurity.

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CFinCanada · 2022-01-21T12:41:17+00:00

I have been in a relationship for what will be 7 years next month and not once in this 7 years has my boyfriend ever threatened to dump me.

This man is an abusive, psycho control freak. The only question is how desperate are you? Do you have self-respect, or will you be breaking up with him?

Knave_of_Opossums · 2022-01-25T19:27:14+00:00

leave him sis

Title	Can you de-programmed a red pilled partner?
Author	fluffylittlemango
Upvotes	11
Comments	23
Date	January 17, 2022 5:33 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/s69le3/can_you_deprogrammed_a_red_pilled_partner/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/can-you-de-programmed-a-red-pilled-partner.1097045 https://theredarchive.com/post/1097045

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