How do I prepare for a divorce?

guy_n_cognito_tu · 2022-05-13T12:47:08+00:00

A few thoughts:

-stockpiling cash is a wise defensive move. Be aware, however, that if you’re caught stockpiling cash it will be added back to the marital assets.

-while you can make a case that you had more “worth” prior to the marriage, you should expect somewhere near a 50/50 split. That can vary based on the brevity of the marriage, and whether or not you commingled assets.

if you own the homes together, the courts will make you split the equity. If you don’t have an ability to buy her out, you’ll have to sell.

-it is possible you’ll have to pay alimony for some period of time. Including her housing.

-when it comes to custody, the courts will assess competency as a parent, not character. Unless your wife is abusing those kids, she will get a MINIMUM of 50% custody. Because you’re a man, you need to be aware that you are going to have to fight just to get a fair shake in custody.

-“I am being emotionally abused”. Maybe you are……and because you’re a man, no one gives a fuck. Don’t play the victim and certainly stop thinking like one.

-“Narcissist”……..nowadays, everyone calls their ex a narcissist. Judges probably hear that 10 times a day. Drop the buzzwords.

-consult an attorney now. They can help you plan way better than we can.

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-05-13T13:28:03+00:00

First things first. Do not voluntarily move out of the home. Here's why: http://forum.mensdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=81622 That article also explains VA specific separation procedures, and you need to take heed of those details.

hombredelgato · 2022-05-13T19:15:45+00:00

Brother, you are in for one hell of a fight. If you aren't in therapy now, get into it SOON. This doesn't have to be considered mental health (for the military side of things), but you NEED to begin to understand how you ended up here in the first place.

TELL PEOPLE. Especially your oldest friends. You're going to need folks who can listen and support when the shit hits the fan.

PREPARE (others have already given hints on how).

LEARN everything you can about narcissism and borderline personality. Not so you can diagnose her, but that you can learn how to navigate the waters you're going to go through.

Did you buy these three houses since you married her 7 years ago? How is she on all three?

Your marital assets (a.k.a. the martial estate) consists of the property and money you've acquired since becoming married. The best case scenario is you are forced to split everything 50/50 which might require you to sell all three houses. Put all of your assets and liabilities (they are in the estate) into a spreadsheet and keep it updated until the final decree.

If she is as manipulative as you say, you should not assume she has been faithful to you. It might be worth the cost of a private detective to find out. They are masters of convincing themselves and everyone of their purity which they hide behind very effectively.

Anyway. Godspeed. You've made it 15 years in the military, which means you've put up with a lot of crap from others. You can tackle this just like all the rest.

InWeGoNow · 2022-05-13T12:56:20+00:00

Others have more info. Here's what I have:

Because of the young kids, you will have to be separated for a year prior to divorce. In my case, we each worked through lawyers to sign a separation agreement which just rolled into becoming the divorce agreement after the year. You have to be separated to start the year of separation. Different bedrooms at least, etc.
Do it! You're probably losing years off of your life by struggling through the stress and depression. I only have one young daughter, but she it's doing great with the divorce (so far) and not watching a toxic relationship anymore.

If you're military in VA, you're probably close to me. Luckily we have some great nature areas to destress through all of this.

MaxPowers5 · 2022-05-13T20:00:52+00:00

She is now starting to demand she drops off and picks up the kids from daycare. It used to be me doing it which is fine, but she just now decided that I work to late. 5pm is not to late. So she picks them up by 4:30, oh boy, big difference. I hope she isnt trying to prepare some sort of trend so she can try to say I don't do anything.

KneeDeepThought · 2022-05-13T14:08:15+00:00

Look up How To Fire Your Wife.

Be ready for a knock down drag out fight where she will use every dirty trick to nail you. When you're ready to pull he trigger:

Don't leave anything within reach that can be stolen, coin collections, jewelry, cash, etc. Keep your phone, keys, and wallet with you at all times. Be ready to record at any time - she will almost certainly make up a story about abuse to get you removed from the home so she can pillage it once she knows the end is near. Never call the cops to your home. If she tries some shit, record it and go to the police station and get a restraining order.

Turn your car into a rolling safe or have a very good (trustworthy) friend keep your valuables for protection. Don't forget things like deeds, titles, birth certificates, and passports.

Once the damage there has been mitigated, get a bulldog lawyer and go for the throat. Document whatever you can about the abuse you suffered and let them take it from there.

Sounds like she was close to being a lifelong dependa which was probably her plan for you all along.

As to your kids: you can rebuild a better relationship with them later when you're not trapped in an abusive relationship. Be warned though bro: they can sometimes take a long time to come around depending on how bad mom wants to hurt you with them.

No_more_BPD_2020 · 2022-05-13T15:18:54+00:00

>I looked it up and was put onto "Covert Narcissist".

Once you know something about Cluster-B patterns, you spot it pretty quick. I was skimming to see if there was a diagnosis because I noticed similarities to my story. There's a group called r/BPDlovedones that has helped me a lot.

Guys on here can help you much better about the legal stuff. I can tell you that in my state, the longer before the filing, the more options I had with the finances. I'd also encourage you to seek legal council ASAP to help you strategize. Personally I was going to give away too much.

Good luck, please post often!

LowerFars · 2022-05-14T12:14:37+00:00

Would it look good on me to try [counseling] again?

Look good to the judge? No, not really. I will assume this will be a 'No-Fault' divorce. It's just what it sounds like. The married couple agree that the marriage is broken, but no one is at fault. And that's it. It's not like the court will hear about you beating her or she cheating on you.

But you'd be amazed by how many people -- mostly women, IMO -- who file for no-fault divorces. Yet, they want their proverbial "Day in Court" to tell the judge how their spouse was a drunken, abusive, cheating, lazy, lying, drug-addicted, terrible parent. Some spouses think court is the time to complain and get the judge to agree with them on every little issue.

How much does the judge want to hear about little arguments?

In short, the judge won't care. My ex brought stacks of old e-mails from me that she printed out, e-mails in which I hurt her feelings or she thought I exposed myself for the mentally abusive man she was certain that I was. Do you really think the judge will look through a STACK of e-mails? He didn't care. He didn't look at one.

The judge's biggest concern will be that the laws are being properly applied when it comes to division of assets and custody of the kids. The judge won't care about every little argument you've ever had.

How do I find the right lawyer?

I'm guessing you're either in northern Virginia near Washington. Or in the Newport News and Langley AFB area. Surely, there are many lawyers around who themselves were former military or specialize in military divorces. Also, regardless of your branch, I'm sure there's some crusty old Senior Chief or First Sergeant around who will talk to you off-the-record, behind closed doors. Some of the old crusty senior advisors have been around a long time, and seen it all, come and go. A good First Sergeant takes care of his men. You'll still need a lawyer, but maybe some old master chief somewhere can give you advice that a civilian lawyer cannot.

What is "separation" and should we try that first?

I don't believe that legal separation exists in Virginia. Either you're married or divorced; there's no in between. However, you need to live apart for a year before you can file. That's another issue.

Gattsama · 2022-05-14T12:15:24+00:00

Hey man so sorry you are going though all this. You need to talk to a lawyer and if active your CO. You want access to some funds she does not have access too. That money is a community asset, don't try to hide if after you file. I don't know VA but most states are no fault divorce. So it doesn't matter what brought you there, all community assets and debts shall be split 50/50. Since you can't split a house, the value is split or offset with other assets, or one partner buys the other out. But it all adds up to 50/50.

Understand that there are 3 different and SEPARATE issues in play: 50/50 division of assets/debts + alimony + child support. And yes, if you make more and have kids she will likely get all three of those.

Most states 50/50 child custody is the norm. BUT the real question is what's the primary resident of the child. See child support is in theory paid by both parents. If you have 50/50 custody and the kids spend all even months with you and odd months with here; then you would BOTH pay child support to each other for the time the kids are not with you. HOWEVER, since that amount would be the same it cancels out and no one pays anything.

SO, even with 50/50 custody, if she has the kids 90% of the time she gets child support. This is why some people are moving for an every other week system.

Character makes up ZERO percent. If doesn't affect jack! That's the no fault part coming full circle. So expect her to make LOTS of claims about how horrible you are, abusive, the kids are not safe around you, she fears for her life, etc etc. AND expect that after you demonstrate these are false claims for the court to simple carry on. See the family court is not a criminal court (law / innocent until proven guilty) or a civil court (contracts). The family court can do nearly anything they want. They have max limits more than hard rules. So think of it this way. Add up all community assets, divide by 50%. She gets half and so do you. Then each of you gets a little piece here and a little piece there to make it all add up. Yes the court can order the sale of a property, in my case (no kids) we have to sell the martial home. She can't afford it, I don't want it, and neither of us can buy the other out (~$800k+ total equity). What's a community asset/debt? Anything that happened during the marriage, anything both your names are on, anything that was 'mixed' with community assets. So if that $300k is in an account with your name that you never allowed her access to and not funded with additional community assets, maybe it's safe. Also inheritances and many gifts are not community. But yes, talk to your lawyer, but it's safe to assume everything is on the table.

Going back to counseling is a WOMBAT - waste of money, brains and time. Taking your word for it here, but these people do NOT get better (see links below).

Talk to a lawyer and your CO. Prepare as best for you situation and state. Do NOT engage her any more than necessary. Google 'Grey Rock'. Do not get drawn in. Journal time spent with kids (not a record of what she does, to demonstrate you spend time with the family). If legal record everything. Do NOT leave the house or family without a temporary parenting plan in place. Also no more sex, no new babies. The longer you wait the more you owe.

Aside - look the system is not fair. You make good money, have 2 kids and you are going to have to give up 50% of all possessions + alimony + child support. This can legally exceed 50% of your take home income. That's why you need to talk to local professionals to understand how you are likely to be affected.

https://youtu.be/MFMNTyVB_vA

https://youtu.be/2HqwfPIHjYA

https://youtu.be/ni-esO8Zxts

https://youtu.be/2Mn87VWj_RI

Throwaway4120213 · 2022-05-15T03:14:36+00:00

1) You can certainly start to stash some cash. But it would be a bit here and there (my ex’s lawyer requested all cash withdrawals above $30) and you likely couldn’t get away with large sums of missing money. Keep in mind - as you are stashing your little bit of money, your alimony clock keeps running with the length of marriage so not sure you are better off since you can spend a year stashing $2k but end up paying $20k more in alimony for that extra year of marriage.

2) Pre-martial assets are yours provided you can establish that and it was not commingled (ie a separate bank account). Everything deemed marital is split 50/50.

3) You split assets including the houses 50-50.

4) Character really does not matter unless it is a clear cut endangerment to the children’s safety otherwise every divorce would devolve into a he said she said about the flaws of the other person.

5) A Judge will not care about counseling.

6) Just remember the longer you stay - the more alimony you pay. You would definitely NOT want to hit the 10yr mark (or anywhere close as some lawyers will argue to “round up”) and give up half of your military retirement.

Title	How do I prepare for a divorce?
Author	MaxPowers5
Upvotes	5
Comments	15
Date	May 13, 2022 12:20 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/uoqgno/how_do_i_prepare_for_a_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-do-i-prepare-for-a-divorce.1114388 https://theredarchive.com/post/1114388

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