ex doesn't respect boundaries and it's affecting my relationships

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-05-07T21:39:23+00:00

>When I tell my ex not to send me stuff unless it has to do with the kids... she ignores it and just continues

Demonstrate, do not explicate.

Eve-3 · 2022-05-07T22:56:10+00:00

I'm also wondering if my gf is looking for a way to sabotage... she's constantly thinking there's something going on... when their isn't.

No, she isn't. She is wondering why you are though. If you turn away from one person to answer another person and it wasn't an emergency you are showing which person is more important to you. You keep picking your ex. You think you have firm boundaries but I can't for the life of me figure out why you think that. Casual conversation is not firm boundaries. Make sure your ex has your child's schedule. Inform her of any changes to the schedule. The end. The wishes of children while in her custody are not your concern. And her wishes certainly aren't. Ever.

turbor · 2022-05-08T00:26:30+00:00

Dude, those texts were nothing. They’re literally about your kids, with a smidgen of small talk about her foot, her dad fixing shit, whatever. This is ultimately how you want things to look with your co-parent. It usually takes years to get to where it’s just chill. So many people continue the divorce drama into co parenting. Everyone’s advice is so litigious and divisive. To me it sounds like you’re over the divorce and already in a near long term relationship. I think your new gf is insecure. You had your daughter on your ex’s weekend so she could take her SAT. Of course her mom is gonna text and discuss potential plans with you. It’s her weekend. Even if you traded, it still throws off her routine. But also recognize that she felt comfortable enough to ask you to trade. Most people don’t get to a place where they’re amicable enough to still depend on their co-parent for things. Being an asshole facilitates being treated like an asshole when the roles are reversed. I think your situation is pretty normal. Your girlfriend is insecure, but if your ex texting and “boundary breaking” only amount to the type of screenshots you posted, then i think this sentiment is ALL coming from your girlfriend and influencing you to look for validation that your ex is a disrespectful POS. You came to the right place for that, lol.

Seriously, one of my personal rules is that if I’m dating or married to someone and I’m worried about who they’re texting, the relationship is not worth pursuing further. Wondering (asking) and worrying are different things though. If you’re past the point where you have anything more than a casual interest in who she texts/calls (like: who keeps texting, I’m trying to watch a movie), but have progressed to the insecurity stage? The relationship is on its way out. How the fuck can anyone be happy when a text triggers all that bad juju? You can’t. Call it a day and either figure out how to trust or find someone that you do trust.

Jonger1150 · 2022-05-08T14:36:05+00:00

I have a type 1 diabetic 11 year old that typically requires 15 to 20 texts per day with my ex-wife, often while in bed with my girlfriend. Your girlfriend doesn't know what "Too Much" is.

pegleg_legal · 2022-05-09T09:10:13+00:00

Why don't you just turn off her notifications? If I were your gf, I'd be gone already as you're still beholden to your ex. I mean, you snap to attention when your ex-pings you - so that's probably less attention than you give your gf. You need to set boundaries if you want them to be respected.

Throwaway4120213 · 2022-05-07T23:25:00+00:00

Your gf is right. Set and stick to a custody schedule. Swapping kids for random lunches on any random day should not happen unless it is something very important and a lunch after SAT is not that. The text chain was non important and should have been ignored.

But - it sounds like you are on call and your custody schedule is completely free floating due to your job and you may be swapping texts with your ex at any time about the kids custody.

That would not be conductive to any future healthy relationship and unfair to any new partner. I don’t think your gf is looking for a problem - the issue is that your situation doesn’t seem compatible with a relationship at this time.

Title	ex doesn't respect boundaries and it's affecting my relationships
Author	jkw118
Upvotes	0
Comments	33
Date	May 7, 2022 9:15 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ukmlme/ex_doesnt_respect_boundaries_and_its_affecting_my/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/ex-doesnt-respect-boundaries-and-its-affecting-my.1115119 https://theredarchive.com/post/1115119

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