Thinking of joining the military; any prior/current service members have insights into how child custody goes if you enlist AFTER being divorced?

STL7997 · 2022-07-10T18:35:05+00:00

Current AD USAF of 25 years here.

Your 50/50 is going to shift once you enter. Unless your ex is willing to relocate with you. Up front you might have custody issues because you'll be going thru basic and then tech school (if Enlisted). If Officer route, you'll have to go thru a form of Basic...either way, you'll be away from the kids for a period of time. If your ex is willing to keep them for that duration and then agrees to a more primary custody for you once you're at your 1st assignment, you'll be set.

You'll definitely want to get your kids listed as your dependents no matter what the custody case is. Free medical beats any other medical you had (unless it was free too). You'll also be entitled to living on base with those dependents. House size will depend on number of dependents and your rank. Being brand new it's gonna suck, especially if Enlisted. Just depends on the base you're at.

As for the specific question you're asking, custody...the military has nothing to do with it. It's all what you and your ex establish. If you agree on 50/50 (with her relocating to you) or if she is with them more than you, you might not be entitled to base housing. However, you'll still have them as dependents and will earn benefits for them. This might be a better bargaining chip to use against your ex. You can provide them housing, medical, safe environment, and experiences. I was born into the Air Force as a dependent myself and entered right out of High School. Best decision I ever made and wouldn't change a thing.

Good luck - and don't settle for any job they throw at you. Be selective.

psychedelicOm · 2022-07-10T19:20:52+00:00

Prior USMC here. Although I can't speak to the USAF, I would say don't do it. You will miss months - years of your children's lives that you will never get back.

JennFezz · 2022-07-10T18:52:55+00:00

Two bits of advice. Try to find a crusty old USAF First Sergeant (or, really, a First Sergeant from any branch). A First Sergeant in the Air Force can be E-7, E-8 or E-9. But the point is, a First Sergeant's priority is to take care of his men. Senior NCO peers, such as a Senior Chief Petty Officer or a Command Chief Master Sergeant, is going to be more focused on command issues and kissing a general's ass, not the welfare of low-level airmen.

A good First Sergeant really looks out for his men. If he's been around a long time, he's seen a lot of personal shit come and go (divorces, custody, retirement issues, and so on). Find one that will meet with you off-the-record, behind closed doors. They're not lawyers, but sometimes their advice is better.

Look for one online. But better to find one live and in-person in your area. Look for retired veteran groups. A good buddy of mine was a Chief Petty Officer who had "been around" if you know what I mean. He would privately counsel young sailors on all kinds of personal problems.

Secondly, u/STL7997 said, "don't settle for any job they throw at you". Retired defense contractor here. Push hard for a job that will give you, at the minimum, a Top Secret clearance with an SCI (commonly shortened to TS/SCI). Lots of communication jobs, intel jobs, counter-intel, combat planning jobs, IT jobs, all require this. Even better to get polygraph add-ons. But at least walk out of the USAF with an active TS/SCI. Take a look at job openings; contractors ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS need warm bodies with a TS/SCI. You'll never be unemployed again with a TS/SCI.

akihonj · 2022-07-10T17:40:42+00:00

I joined the British army late and left at 27 ish, so a few friends in there joined after divorce, got married way to early in life.

It depends where you are, your country etc, what your custody agreement is.

Your military record will be looked at, and if you are doing well there you'll have a good military record and you'll have senior officers willing to speak up for you which helped my friends out a lot.

Best advice I can give you is to speak to people over at the military sub, and speak to a recruiter.

velesxrxe · 2022-07-10T20:48:01+00:00

I’m assuming you’re in the US.

Going the officer route is definitely preferred. But going this route is a long process in which the Air Force may be a lot more selective. If your intent a short term stint or a career? What are you interested in doing in the military?

Given the fact that you have two kids, you may need a waiver to join (I am not sure about this so check with a recruiter).

Your custody situation will definitely change for the worse, for you. You won’t be able to maintain that 50/50 unless your ex moves with you to wherever you are stationed and fully cooperates with you when you have to deploy etc.

tactical_sweatpants · 2022-07-10T21:52:45+00:00

Former Navy recruiter here, so big picture is your kids need to have permanent support, ie, legal guardian with full custody, permanent or temporary. Whatever you have to do to make that happen will be documented prior to even going to MEPS (military entrance processing station) for a physical amd processing. As far as putting them down as dependents you get all that completed shortly going to boot. Once you graduate and go on to your follow on training command or deployable command you'll have to have a dependent care plan,form basically listing who has authorization to care for your kids. Regardless of which branch you go to, you'll need to have them supported. Unfortunately, usually the best candidate for all that would be their mother, unless you were to get married and can prove the mother isn't providing for basic necessities for them. Which is a fuck ton harder to do. Had a buddy who's ex was an ex-con dope head living in Connecticut and had to fight for primary custody for 2 years. It's going to be rough as far as maintaining contact with them, but once you settle it could very well be worth it.

slice73 · 2022-07-11T00:57:41+00:00

Lots of solid advice but I noticed one thing missing. Anti military bias in the family courts. Understand that if you are in and for whatever reason you have to go before any family judge, most of them carry an anti military and anti veteran bias. Oh, and this was in Texas and Oklahoma, two of the reddest and republican states in the union. Lots of my OIF and OEF brothers were not treated evenly or fairly in family court.

As long as you understand this, godspeed brother.

Minute_Dog_2020 · 2022-07-11T16:29:57+00:00

Never enlisted...but have worked within DoD. I would think your recruiter could hook you up to speak to someone in the JAG office. Someone within the JAG office should be able to give you a straight answer.

thefudmaster · 2022-07-11T05:12:12+00:00

Just my $0.02, the US military has become a joke. I left after 8 years of active duty years ago because of the political correctness. Now, the military is full of woke individuals, which is even worse. Your call though and all the best. I doubt you’ll see your kid much if you join either.

BurnDownTheMission68 · 2022-07-15T14:28:41+00:00

Joining the military is about the stupidest thing you could do in 2022.

playerknowmore · 2022-07-10T22:31:13+00:00

Question, is your replacement in place. You don't sound like you wanted to leave, and women rarely leave without a backup plan in place. Your kids being so young, and the amount of time with your children just till you get trained is enormous.

If you didn't have children I would have told you to go for it. Children are not good for the mix. I can say it's obvious you are the marrying type, but do not get married in the military. If you decide to go get through training and apply for a transfer to wherever you are from as soon as possible.

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-07-11T12:13:21+00:00

> Have 2 kids under 5 that I share 50/50 with my ex; divorced for 2 years now

Do you want to parent your kids less? Because joining the military will do that. You will have zero control over your deployments. You will become a long-distance parent, leaving all of the heavy lifting to the mother. You'll get every other holiday with your kids, and a couple of weeks in the summer. You can't be a real parent with that schedule. You have to live where your children go to school.

T_Lane_Dough · 2022-07-22T18:10:44+00:00

I'm not in the military, but have worked with many. With 50/50 you and your ex are currently equals, but your freedom of movement is essentially nil. If you join the military, you'll spend a good chunk of time at training bases and then eventually a permanent base, likely all not where your ex lives. Then pretty much every two years, you're going to go to a different base and sooner rather than later, probably overseas and maybe a hardship like Korea.

Forget the military for a second. How would you work things with your ex if either of you wanted to be gone for 6 months, then move away, and then move again every two years? As the one who's moving, in a regular custody fight, you'd likely lose. Your only real option is to work our a plan with your ex.

The divorced military members that I know fall into two categories. Some have what amounts to sole custody (either them or their ex) and they visit when they can. If you're the custodial parent, you have to have a deployment plan. On the plus side, if you are the one with custody, and get deployed, when you come back, you're supposed to be able to get custody back.

The others, often both in the military, just work it out. The kids seem to flow back and forth without rancor. A coworker of mine (now retired) has custody of his son, but his daughter is with her mom, based in Europe. Last I heard, the daughter plans on coming back for the last two years of high school to get ready for college in the US. No fuss, no muss.

One idea, and it may be crap, but what about joining the reserves? You still can get deployed, but by definition, they stay local.

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