wife done, gave here ring back and im living in.my own basement please need advice

Adorable_FecalSpray · 2022-10-01T13:53:14+00:00

I am sorry to hear you are going through this right now. Whatever you do, do not give that ring back. Put it in a safe place, you will need it to help pay for legal or your own place.

If I were you I would work on getting out of there or telling the soon to be Ex to get her own place. Whichever works for you the easiest. Focus on yourself and your boys.

Advice when faced w divorce

Here is what I did and highly recommend to other guys going through divorce to start doing (these are just the basics).

Lift, heavy weights. If you don’t have access to heavy weights, then body weight exercises and high-intensity cardio. The idea is you physically exhaust your body, which increases good chemicals in your brain. It will make you look better too, which helps with self-confidence. This can help w feelings of anger too. Also more muscles, those are good too.

Start and do BJJ, Muay Thai and/or Boxing 3-6x a week. This will help you mentally as well as physically. Also it will help you be somewhat social. This can help w feelings of anger too. Punching a heavy bag for 5 minutes straight is pretty tiring and builds endurance and strength. And after a few minutes you are just thinking of breathing and hitting and not a whole bunch else.

Find some hobbies to do, old ones you stopped or some new ones. Guitar, woodworking, piano, dancing, yoga, stamp collecting, shooting, home improvement projects, model building. For when you aren’t lifting heavy weights and/or rolling or punching something. The idea is that you find something that brings you joy and keeps your mind and body occupied.

Stay away from alcohol (drugs), do not rely on it to numb the pain. Sure, have a drink or two but don’t let it be a crutch. You are stronger then that. Also use this time to fix your nutrition (I prefer low carb and high protein and fat, along w Intermittent Fasting). And also get your sleep, your brain needs to be sharp while you are going through this. Can’t sleep? Try melatonin, sleep / relaxation apps, meditation, prayer, fixed bed time routine.

Start pursuing some alternate stream(s) of income other then your regular 9-5. Start w writing business ideas that you could do in 10-20 hours a week then start pursuing them. Doesn’t have to be huge but something that brings in extra money and gives your mind something to do. (Legal bills will add up quickly, even on amicable splits). Maybe doing some driving for Lyft / Uber or Door Dash, real estate investing (podcast Bigger Pockets) or maybe you have some skill you haven’t used in a bit that can bring in some extra cash (Tutoring, guitar lessons, dog walker, etc).

Learn to meditate, starting w a couple minutes a day and work your way up to 10-15 minutes. (This actually lowers my blood pressure, I’ve measured before and after. It also helps w obsessive negative thoughts). There are several apps out there, I use Headspace. If you are religious pray, read your Bible or other holy book.

Make your living space your own. Whether you get to stay in your house or have to move. Over time put furniture, art, plants, and other items that YOU want and will be proud to show to people you invite over.

Get a therapist. You might have to trial a couple before you find one that you click with and you feel that they understand you. Do NOT feel bad about firing them. If they are any good they will help you set some goals for the sessions. Sometimes sessions won’t be super productive other times they will be. It’s a process that takes some time and won’t last forever. But it will help you struggle through the mental quagmire (shit) and grow stronger and move on.

Reach out to friends and family to keep those connections alive or to re-kindle them. Be careful about venting to family and friends about your situation or Ex. It is alright to do for close relationships but keep it vague and short. That is what the therapist is mostly for.

Read books and/or listen to audiobooks, here are some recommendations that I found helpful (I really think the audiobooks are a good investment. I can take a 4 hour road trip and finish a book. Learn to listen at faster speeds.):

• ⁠Models

• ⁠No More Mr. Nice Guy!

• ⁠The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

• ⁠The 4-Hour Workweek

• ⁠48 Laws of Power

• ⁠How to Win Friends and Influence People

• ⁠The Rational Male

• ⁠ Can’t Hurt Me

• ⁠ Extreme Ownership

• Discipline Equals Freedom

• ⁠ Boundaries

• ⁠Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship

• ⁠Stop Walking on Eggshells

• ⁠Magic Words

• ⁠The Co-dependent’s User Manual (The last 4 are if your Ex was a Narc or Borderline)

The above are just the basics, if you have kids there should be a few others things you should start doing. If your Ex has a personality disorder there are several more things you need to do.

Do not share w your Ex you are doing these things. If she finds out, ok but this is your business for you to focus on. Do not let her draw you into talking about these things. They are yours and yours alone.

This not a sprint, it is more like a marathon, just keep moving forward one foot in front of the other. Your journey won’t be straight, some days you will feel like shit, some days you won’t. The important thing is that you keep doing some positive things in your life, for yourself.

And lastly, do NOT jump right back into another serious relationship. Figure out the part you played incoming to the divorce. Maybe it wasn’t much or maybe it was. Figure that out and be honest with yourself and accept feedback from those that know you (family, friends, therapist). Be ok w being on your own for awhile. Do NOT repeat the same mistakes that got you where you are right now. I would recommend taking at least a year to work on the above before dating again. If you really focus on the above you will go back to the dating market, if you so choose, in a much much better position.

Don’t give up, you’ve got this.

Gattsama · 2022-10-01T09:13:31+00:00

Have sorry you are going through all this. I'm 17 years together, 12 years married and I filed Feb 2022. No kids. Here's the thing, we don't know the full story or details. But from what you wrote, you are clearly stating that she does NOT want to be married to you. The question is do you want to her?

Do you want someone that doesn't put the work in, broke up with you / gave your ring back, lacks intimacy (physical, emotional, sexual), is telling you they don't love you.

Here's a hard truth question. Morals and freewill aside if you had magic powers and could snap your fingers and create a perfect marriage / relationship, what would it look like? Now ask what you think it would look like if your wife had the same power.

See, women check out of the relationship and no longer want us. And normally we still want them. We don't have magic powers, but if you have done everything that can be done and this is her behavior & choices; then you likely can't fix this.

And that sucks. Sent you a DM with a divorce overview. We can't tell you what to do, but put her aside for a minute. What do you want? She's not going to change for the better. The only way anything changes in the relationship is if you do something different. So step back, think about what you want. Make a plan. Then do what you have to do. She will react, and you choose how to respond to her reaction.

Be safe out there

xjeeperx · 2022-10-01T13:13:30+00:00

I was shocked she gave you the ring back until I got further down, and saw that she weaponized it. Then it made sense.

Get an attorney and file. Keep the house, or sell it and split whatever you get for it. I gave my ex the house I bought before we got married and wish I had sent her on her way and kept the $450/month mortgage.

But the longer you’re there, the worse it will get, and you don’t want to be there when she brings her first new boyfriend home.

BurnDownTheMission68 · 2022-10-01T14:19:44+00:00

I hate to bring this up every time but what you are describing has all the hallmarks of an affair, either previous or ongoing.

47omek · 2022-10-01T21:44:13+00:00

Don't move out. Stay in your bedroom, if she wants to move into the basement that's fine. No need to discuss beforehand, file for divorce and have her served. She is not the decider on witholding the kids, the judge will be. Have a digital audio recorder running on your person at all times when at the home to avoid the false domestic violence "I WIN" button that women like to push.

ABBucsfan · 2022-10-01T05:22:49+00:00

I've gone through it, but we fought for years... So mentally I think I'd already grieved some of it. I do remember one thi g that really helped me get through it was when I saw the writing on the wall and it seemed if was finally about over and I was thinking.. ok what now.. I spent enough time worrying about logistics and the hurt and I started thinking about some of the things I wanted to do with my life with some of the extra time. I started to think about catching up with old friends, old hobbies, etc. Really remember feeling like this may not be so bad after all (mins you she was so damn controlling it was kind of a relief...) When they get to a certain point it before pretty hard to convince them to stick around

captainchippsixx · 2022-10-01T14:25:43+00:00

First off. Sorry man. This sucks. I’m sure there is a lot to this story. But it takes 2 people for a marriage to fail. She’s not off the hook. She does want you to be responsible so she can feel better about her self. Coping mechanism, but it’s a bullshit way to be. The lack of sex is concerning… is there an affair going on? (I need space) does she guard her phone 24/7? Something to consider since a “ don’t touch me” sends signals someone else is involved.

Hers my advice AAA- consult a lawyer now! She already has or has a plan. Get out ahead of this. You don’t want to be on the defense if she starts grabbing funds and making accusations. It happens believe me. My ex locked me out of the accounts saying she thought I would do that? Huh? We have 2 kids as well. I’m a man that everyone in the family counts on and I deliver. It was a bullshit lie and action.

1- start looking for a counselor for yourself. See one asap. 2- work out daily and eat better. Lift weights and do cardio like a elliptical. It’s best to this in the basement.
You can start with push-ups and sit-ups. Log your progress. So you can keep building. This will help you mentally a lot! Listen to your favorite music to help past the time. I’m 2 months you will go shit. I’m stronger mentally and physically. 3- make sure you do the stuff you need to do. Dentist, etc. take care of yourself. As a dad I tended to put everyone else first. You can’t do that all the time. 4. I would show her your embracing her wanting out by saying fuck it. I’m done. Don’t hold back when she says some bull shit. Say “ why are you bringing up this bull shit. Were done. I’m going down. Stairs to work out.” Don’t engage. Surprisingly I finally did this and called her shit out. The counselor called her shit out. I said fuck it. Low and behold a month or two after she wanted to try again and have sex etc.
I said hell no. All the bullshit she said and telling her friends shit, while my dad had a stroke. I was so unhappy and the last 5 years were killing me. 5. Own your shit. But accept her fabrication of the problems between the two of you.

Hang tough. Your going to take some shots but you keep getting up and fight to be a dad. Your sons need you.

sicrm · 2022-10-01T14:45:16+00:00

I asked if she still loves me and her responce was I don't know. She said a few weeks back that she needed some space to breath.

at this moment your marriage is dead. if she loved you the answer would be an instant yes. and the last thing women want is space from guys they really desire.

whether she’s stepping out or it could be saved is a separate issue.

the most important thing is preparing yourself for if she decides to file. book consults and start meeting with lawyers next week. figure out what a divorce would look like today and if there’s anything you can do to make it look better tomorrow.

if you find a lawyer you like, keep their number on speed dial.

warrior_up · 2022-10-01T15:03:22+00:00

Listen to the advice on this sub - we’ve all been exactly where you’re at. Save your self respect and financial future, new chapter is coming whether you’re ready for it or not

potatotornado43 · 2022-10-01T15:55:39+00:00

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through a hard time brother. If I could lighten the mood little bit though, you got the wedding ring back, she gave it to you and legally it’s considered a gift so go sell it! My STBXwife’s wedding band is probably worth over $5000. I wish she would do the same as yours!

Seemedlikefun · 2022-10-02T19:58:07+00:00

Hey bud, not to be mean but you were given excellent advice on your previous posts. This forum is a great place to vent, get support and receive advice that was aquired the hard way... by experience. This hard won wisdom is shared here freely because no one wants others to make the same mistakes we did. We want to help you avoid falling for the " my situation is different" lie that gets men destroyed. I failed on my go around, and don't want the same to happen to you, so here is a gentle smack in the face. Get busy securing the future you want for your kids and yourself. Your STBX doesn't want to be in it.

MightBusiness7231 · 2022-10-03T07:19:14+00:00

Sorry you’re going through this. She’s realizing life isn’t perfect and the typical female way to deal with this is to start poking holes in the ship so that everybody dies. They’re all children. She stopped loving you a long time ago and it’s nothing you did. Work out, get in shape, be there for your sons. There is an endless supply of single and divorced women out there who want sex and more, and you can give them the sex and withhold the relationship until it suits you or never. I think it’s the only way to cope with women because too many of them are f—ed in the head. Get a good lawyer, ask to mediate, and move on.

BloodyButUnbowed1 · 2022-10-01T14:09:09+00:00

Hey man, I'm in a very similar situation. Keep the rings and do not give them back (unless you two truly reconcile). I noticed women use that tactic as manipulation go get you to respond emotionally and irrationally to get what they want out of you (as a last ditch manipulation effort).

Do not leave the home, as that can come back to bite you in the ass with custody, even if she doesn't do those types of things. My stbx wife doesn't but I wouldn't take a chance on it because women change when they come to the realization that they fucked up and you will be better without them.

Sorry you're going through this. It's tough for sure. The best thing you can do is to focus on building up yourself and your children. If you do want to get back with her, if she sees your improving your life on your own she will begin to wonder if she was the problem and will probably come running back to you if you improve your health, wealth, and mental health. If you don't want to get back with her, improving on those things are essential to your future moving forward without her.

In my case my stbx wife lives with me and I can pay for her to leave but she wants to "take advantage of this opportunity" because I bought a nice big house and I guess she wants to freeload for a while. She does need time to get her shit together so Ill give her that. But since she thinks "any other man will pay for everything willingly" like I have she doesn't value the lifestyle I provided her.

Bad news for her is I have a limit to that and I'm saving to get her out of here eventually because I want to move on with my life. If I was to meet a new lady, I would want to hang out at my house and that wouldn't work if she's there.

Title	wife done, gave here ring back and im living in.my own basement please need advice
Author	orphanofhope
Upvotes	10
Comments	21
Date	October 1, 2022 4:56 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/xsmiqr/wife_done_gave_here_ring_back_and_im_living_inmy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/wife-done-gave-here-ring-back-and-im-living-inmy.1133269 https://theredarchive.com/post/1133269

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