It's the first time I've written here, but I've always wanted to do it. English is not my native language, so please forgive me for any mistakes I might make.

I'm a 20-year-old woman and I've been following RPW since 2020 more or less. My beliefs align with those of RPW and I want to have a traditional household.

I've been dating my boyfriend (19) for 11 months and I love him very much. He's also my first boyfriend and I am his first girlfriend. We have a really good and sweet relationship, and he's not at all afraid of commitment. When he talks about his future, I am always in the picture.

I've never talked to him about RP but I told him that I like the traditional households of the past. He knows that I believe that women and men are different and that I'm not a feminist (he doesn't seem to care about that).

We met in class, so when we started talking I didn't tell him everything because I didn't want to scare him with all the details, like that I expect a breadwinner and a masculine man who protects his family. He was 18 at the time and people my age just don't talk about the future, getting married, children, etc. I didn't want to ruin the feelings I was having, so I kept quiet.

We talked for months without any type of sexual interaction (I had severe anxiety about being intimate with anyone, I felt super vulnerable and I was afraid of doing something wrong and being judged). We first kissed just days before we started dating, and I didn't have sex with him until I was sure I loved him (about a month after we started dating, I was a virgin). As the months passed, I realized that he has a lot of trauma and presents himself as someone who is super confident in himself, but it's all a mask. So I felt that I couldn't tell him that I wanted a strong, confident, and masculine man as my future husband; he would have felt bad. So he still doesn't know where I stand. I also think that he loves me more than I love him, and he would be absolutely crushed if we broke up. He has hinted at times that he has suicidal thoughts. So, I'm afraid of how things might escalate between us if things ended.

The main problem is that since I discovered RPW, I didn't know that I was allowed to want to be a SAHM. In my city, this doesn't happen; I'm from a very famous city in Europe where all women work, so I never considered that as an option.

The truth is that I want so badly to be a SAHM. I don't want to send my kids to daycare because I have to work (I don't judge women who choose to work). I want to cook homemade meals for my family, take care of them, be there always for them, I want all the things that women used to do. I never had that as a child, my mom and dad always worked and my brothers were much older than me so I was very much alone all the time.

We are now finishing our studies (technical degree in laboratory science), with that we can start working but it's not a university degree that we got, it's like if a university degree is a 1, the thing that I'm doing is a 2.

Now we need to decide what we want to study. He will be studying (if he's accepted) a double degree in biomedical engineering and informatics. But the thing is I don't know what to do, I'm really interested in a lot of things like nutrition, but because I want to be a SAHM I would also want to study Montessori education (I'm really interested in learning about that method). Or maybe I don't need to study anything because at the end I don't really want to work. I want to do what is most beneficial for my future family. If it's working super hard to save money before I have children so then I can be a SAHM, so be it. If it's studying education to be a great educator (I want my kids to stay at home until they are five) so be it, etc.

I'm a mess honestly. I'm so afraid of saying what I really want, especially because I don't think he wants a SAHM.

I feel so much pressure from him to study “worthy” something and work that is exhausting. Today he asked me what I would study, and I said to him that my choice won't make us rich, that probably his degree would. And he told me that I also need to contribute, like he said it in a way that I need to make money to be useful. He also said once that even if he was a millionaire he wouldn't let me not work. Women in my country still do all the work in the household, the children and also work the same amount of hours as men, I'm sorry but I'm not playing that game.

He comes from a privileged background, he's the son of a single mom, adopted, the grandma lived with them until she was really sick and did all the cooking and cleaning (honestly like a SAHM, but make it SAHG, now they eat a lot of premade food and have a cleaning service twice a week). His mom works many many hours, his best memories are from his grandma just being with him because his mom was always working. I feel that he wants me to be like his mom, these modern women who make money and his grandma, the one who cherishes him and cooks for him.

I don't think that he even acknowledges the fact that his grandma played an extremely important part in the dynamics of the household. That without her he wouldn't have all that amazing homemade food, he wouldn't have someone always there for him to shower him with love.

In a nutshell: I want to be a stay-at-home mom (SAHM), but my boyfriend doesn't know that and I don't think he wants me to be. I'm afraid of what will happen if I tell him. I love him very much and I fear for him if things end. What do I do? What do you think?

I could go on and on about all the things that are killing me inside about our relationship, even though it's pretty good objectively but enough is enough.

I think this post is super messy, it's my first time posting so bear with me. I'm really sorry for this super long post, I hope I learn how to write in English better and go faster to the point.

Edit: Thank you so much for your answers. I can’t talk to anyone about this because no one in my circle has my beliefs. Having women from all ages and backgrounds that can give me their opinion means so much to me, thank you 💕