Tried to deal with criticism, feel like I did bad

man_in_the_world · 2023-01-22T22:37:01+00:00

Modern Blue Pill Society has essentially normalized needy, co-dependent behavior as the romantic ideal and expectation in romantic relationships. Constant reassurance of an anxious, codependent lover via text and phone has thus become both an expectation and an entitlement, and the accepted and expected sign of ones commitment to the relationship.

Such codependent behavior is distasteful to many of us and is ultimately destructive to relationships, and should be avoided. However, when your frame, expectations, or boundaries contradict society's conventions, people will nonetheless interpret your behavior in light of society's norms unless you provide a compelling counter-narrative giving them an alternate frame with which to interpret your actions.

You should not be apologizing here. Instead, you should be articulating your frame... providing your counter-narrative, your vision as to how a healthy intimate relationship operates and why this is superior. An effective narrative will also sell its superiority over the conventional societal expectations and provide her with both a sense of security and of superiority over operating within Society's conventions.

Your narrative will rightly reject society's current expectation of codependent reassurance via constant texting, but you will still need to find alternate means of providing emotional intimacy and comfort within your relationship in a manner consistent with your frame. That is, you can't narrative your way out of ever needing to provide comfort or intimacy: Cuddles are required.

redmateus · 2023-01-21T11:23:10+00:00

You need to internalize that "sorry" is when you purposefully do harm someone and you get caught.

If you're used to say "I'm sorry" for everything, you need to eliminate that from your vocabulary and your mental models.

You need to own your actions. You can make mistakes, everyone makes mistakes. You can own those mistakes and say you made a mistake. Nothing else. Until it's awkward to you, it's awkward to everyone else.

And when you're with your woman, give her your undivided attention, if she earns it.

Aubrey_D_Graham · 2023-01-21T14:29:40+00:00

Sounds like a low self esteem woman. If you keep playing stoic for too long, she'll find her feels from somewhere else. Guess what? She'll monkey branch.

Your problem is you on't understand the difference between comfort and shit tests. Asking for your attention is a comfort test. Making you feel bad and saying sorry is a shit test. See how failing an easy comfort test became a an uber shit test.

The solution for next time is to tell her or any LSE woman to come over and enjoy each others company: hangout, have fun, hookup. If you're too busy schedule a date. If you think its too much, date a HSE woman.

olebobman · 2023-01-21T22:44:27+00:00

Me: 20's, dating this one for almost a year

This entire post for a plate...

RE: Anything under a year isn't a relationship - sidebar.

Rock_Granite · 2023-01-23T01:29:00+00:00

She's disappointed that I didn't call back, couldn't find 5 minutes of the day to ask her what's up or update her what I've been up to, I probably don't care enough etc..

You did the right thing by waiting to call her back. You know good and well that this would not have been a 5 minute conversation. She would have been pissed if you tried to get off the phone after 5 minutes. You are letting her play you

Fritz_Frauenraub · 2023-01-23T19:22:28+00:00

Still dont get unmarried guys using this sub.

This place is for when your back is to the wall. Thats what generates the mojo.

james-the-professor · 2023-01-21T17:42:51+00:00

I made a mistake

If you harm someone, apologize. If you fall out of your integrity and didn't keep your word, apologize - and correct the behavior so you live in integrity moving forward. No big deal. Perhaps you just need practice.

My guess is she is testing to see if you are a person who is CAPABLE of apologizing, and has her guard up to watch out for guys that are not.

As others have pointed out, it could also be from a place of low self esteem. Or perhaps you are getting serious and she has an anxious attachment style or some form of abandonment trauma that got triggered.

This situation is a little bit grey as initially you felt like no apology needed and it sounds like she pressured you into it but ALSO you said you made a mistake so ... Maybe both is true. Perhaps it's time for you to get clear within yourself about what an apology is and when it's appropriate to avoid confusion in the future.

I would definitely follow up with her when calm. If you want to lead then lead the conversation about what a sincere apology looks like and when it's warranted. Set the expectations of your relationship, and be willing to hear feedback, process it, and integrate feedback that makes sense and do not integrate feedback that doesn't.

If it were me, i would also dig a little deeper in conversation with her and see if she had an awareness about how she interpreted your behavior. What conclusions did she draw? How come it got her nervous system all activated? What does it mean to her? This can give you both some insight into her hamster. You may find green, yellow or red flags in that conversation and it will give her an opportunity to demonstrate how well she can reflect on her behaviors and change them.

Good luck and don't be too hard on yourself. You don't need to be perfect.

BoringAndSucks · 2023-01-21T18:44:08+00:00

So much work to do, start by more sidebar ======>

Praexology · 2023-01-22T00:39:30+00:00

solve it because she's too emotional, and that she just needs some comfort

If yoy are trying to diagnose what type of "test" it is, determine if she is emotional because her feelings are hurt, or if she is getting herself worked up because she is histrionic and uses drama to get attention.

Really important to her, also I seem to be unable to apologize.

You need to decide whether or not you deem your actions inappropriate. If you don't, then don't apologize, obviously. Women are taught their emotions are the arbiters of moral and relational truth.

She still was upset that I'm so calm

Seems to me like she's leaning towards the drama for attentions sake.

try to be a leader that solves the problems and finds middle ground

What do you think a leader does?

BigBoiBahmani · 2023-01-27T05:42:01+00:00

Stop taking her seriously, let her enjoy her emotional drama candy. She's frame testing with the "say sorry" thing. It's childish. So chill. Give her the time and space to enjoy her drama cookie, play along. Don't budge, don't be intimidated and don't think about what she says too much. Just let her enjoy her ride on the emotional roller coaster.

"Yeah I've been quite busy I was {insert hyperbolic joke activity}. Don't worry I'll see you/do xyz with you later. Tell me how was your day..." Repeat this in different ways as many times as you have to.

Asking this question goes counter to the general advice of taking her seriously. She's a woman, and women like drama. Let them have their stuff, as long as she is pleasant to deal with rest of the time.

Title	Tried to deal with criticism, feel like I did bad
Author	mrmonbant
Upvotes	9
Comments	18
Date	January 21, 2023 10:46 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/10hokew/tried_to_deal_with_criticism_feel_like_i_did_bad/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/tried-to-deal-with-criticism-feel-like-i-did-bad.1149501 https://theredarchive.com/post/1149501

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