Potentially marry a man with a baby mama/ex-wife, co-parents together

marceqan · 2023-03-16T07:57:48+00:00

He is right about number one but wrong about number two - yes, you will have to deal with baby mama drama. She comes in the package the same way some people come with annoying family, you will have to deal with that because that person/people are not going anywhere. Moreover, you need to think and establish boundaries in your role as a step parent if you decide to pursue this. Remember that him and her share a 20 year history and a child so she will always be significant to him in some way and he to her, so hostility etc. will be there - it’s up to your partner how he reacts to it. 1.5 after 20 years is still fresh, so in time she will be less hostile and he will be less affected by her attacks. A piece of advice from me - get to know her side of the story at some point before you marry him. When marriages fall apart, especially when children are involved, it is common for the parties to blame it entirely on the other spouse. And when you hear only one side it’s so easy to think it completely makes sense. Don’t jump into anything too quickly, he was with someone for 20 years and committed to them for life but wasted no time dating after separation considering that you aren’t even the first person he dated- it’s not a red flag per se, but something to think about, seems a bit rushed so his “self reflection” might have not lasted too long. Separated but not divorced is a dealbreaker for me personally. Maybe the paperwork hasn’t gone through or whatever but be cautious about that.

titlejunk · 2023-03-16T13:42:25+00:00

Take a trip over to r/stepparents and do a bit of reading.

Being a stepmom is hard under the very best of circumstances. You already know, though, that this isn’t the best of circumstances. You have what is referred to on the other sub as a high conflict baby mama (HCBM). It’s possible/likely that she will do everything in her power to make this relationship difficult for you.

Is your boyfriend officially divorced? You said separated, which sounds like a “no” to me. If he’s still married on paper, you shouldn’t be dating him at all. If he was never married after almost 20 years together, that’s another red flag. If he is officially divorced, do you know any of the details of the parenting plan, time sharing, child support?

These situations tend to get really messy. And there is no end date. That little boy grows up and gets married, guess who will be at the wedding: HCBM. You’ll be dealing with her BS as long as you are with this man.

I’d think long and hard about whether or not he is really worth it. Only you can make that decision.

Sunshine12e · 2023-03-16T05:52:39+00:00

Always a little suspicious of men who are single when they have such small children. Also, yes, you will have to deal with the child's mother for the entirety of your relationship. He is right, too--she isn't going to change, so he has no option other than to just accept her as she is, if he wants his child in his life. That is typical for anyone co-parenting--you cannot control the other person and just have to accept and do what you can to keep the relationship as smooth as possible, for the child's sake.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2023-03-16T11:45:42+00:00

So you have to decide if he is your best viable option in the short to medium term. If he is, then you should continue the relationship with them. If he’s not, then you should consider other options.

People often come with baggage. Given the choice between two equal women, I will choose the one who isn’t the single mom simply because they come with less baggage. It’s the same for women dating single dads.

It does seem that the guy tried to save his marriage, and also attempted to learn and grow from the experience. To me, that is a positive. If you know anything about how the marriage broke up, that would also be useful for you to consider. If he cheated, red flag. If she cheated, then it’s not his fault, although you might want to look at why she cheated.

Ultimately, you will have to deal with baby mama drama at least second hand. Not ideal, but if you are all in on the relationship with your Beau, then that is a decision you will have to make and deal with at least for the next 15 years plus or minus probably beyond that, but usually these things have a way of ironing themselves out once the kids are of age.

OkraGarden · 2023-03-16T14:57:28+00:00

Being a second wife and step mom isn't anybody's first choice for a good reason. It is possible to find happiness through the struggles, but it is not something anyone wants to do unless there are truly no other options. At 30 it is still possible for you to find a man who has no kids with other women.

Of the people I know who became step moms, it tended to work out best when the kids were older teens and had either left home already or were very close to it. Trying to have new kids with a man while he's still caring for younger kids he had with someone else was a nightmare for the ones that took that route. Even when all the adults got along well and the step kids were toddlers when dad got a second wife, the step kids ended up acting out their pain and trauma as they got older. It's so tough growing up in a broken home even if they have no memories of when their parents were still together.

You also have to consider the impact on your own kids. They will be negatively affected by the presence of a kid from a broken home their dad has to send back to a toxic mom every week as well as whatever drama the mom and her side of the family could bring. Will baby mama get with new men and bring new kids into your children's lives? Will your kids end up having contact with baby mama's relatives through your potential step daughter? Your kids will not get the experience of growing up in a healthy, normal, intact family.

Jenneapolis · 2023-03-16T15:18:56+00:00

If you want this to work, you are going to have to detach yourself as much as possible from how you feel about his past decisions and his interactions with his ex. The past is done, he can’t change it, and you cannot let yourself get worked up every time he has a frustrating (to you or him) conversation with his ex.

You will have to build up the skill of being very zen about it and accepting that that’s how it is. You have to ask yourself if you can do that. But remember there are two sides to every story - be careful to not see him as a victim, he had as much a role in the demise of the relationship that she had and if he was with her for 20 years (so that would mean since early high school) there was a reason why they were together for so long.

glass_brownies · 2023-03-16T18:00:13+00:00

Why did they get divorced?

babyegirll · 2023-03-16T13:20:27+00:00

You essentially just said "Here's a giant issue I have with him that will persist for AT LEAST the next 15 years provided everything goes perfectly, but other than that I enjoy my time with him". I mean... There is no "other than that". His child is a huge part of him. If you can't handle dealing with his ex or cant handle being a step mom or whatever else, you don't have to.

His ex is not going to see him in a relationship and suddenly say "well okay, I'll reduce the hostility for her 😊". If you want the relationship and he wants to continue to have a relationship with his child, this will just be the reality of life for 15 years.

AutoModerator · 2023-03-16T05:32:10+00:00

Title: Potentially marry a man with a baby mama/ex-wife, co-parents together

Full text: I'm (30F) in a relationship with someone (38M) who co-parents a 3.5 year old child. I am thinking about a long-term relationship with him (I would like to get married with the option to have my own children, he is open to that). Through the text and phone interactions I have seen him have with his ex-wife (F 39) about their co-parenting, it is evident that she is not very kind to him. They were together for almost 20 years. I feel like she still controls him like he is still her partner and he doesn't do anything to change that. I have spoken to him about my concerns before, and he's replied with (1) she isn't going to change; and (2) you'll never have to deal with baby mama drama.

They've been separated for 1.5 years and he has dated other people since their separation, before he met me. He has been to couples therapy with her to try to save their marriage. He has also done a lot of reading and reflecting about what he can give and what he wants in a relationship.

I also feel uncomfortable that they've chosen to have a child together despite their poor relationship. I feel like he hasn't put thought into how his ex-wife will affect his future (long-term relationship/marriage partner). Basically, her hostility irritates him, and seeing him be upset by her in turn upsets me.

This asides, I really enjoy my time with him and he loves and accepts me for who I am.

Anyone have opinions/advice/tips on how to navigate this? Is it possible to work together to find a solution for a good life together, or are we doomed?

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a_girl_with_a_dream · 2023-03-18T04:31:06+00:00

You are dating a MARRIED man. This does not make sense. Move on and find a man who is unmarried.

Diamond-Breath · 2023-03-21T01:19:30+00:00

Don't date single fathers, it's very hard and he'll always be bonded one way or the other to his baby mama and their kids. You don't have kids yet, find a man like you.

Title	Potentially marry a man with a baby mama/ex-wife, co-parents together
Author	Evening_Coffee_2607
Upvotes	2
Comments	48
Date	March 16, 2023 5:32 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/11sl9au/potentially_marry_a_man_with_a_baby_mamaexwife/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/potentially-marry-a-man-with-a-baby-mamaex-wife-co.1180677 https://theredarchive.com/post/1180677

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