Modesty & Vanity: How to balance those two in day to day life?

SunshineSundress · 2023-03-21T23:03:56+00:00

What an interesting question and discussion. Thanks for starting it!

For starters, I think your date was just teasing you. You made a joke about it and he negged you a little further. It’s not worth stressing over!

At the same time, I feel that leaving all vanity behind may make my chances at dating a lot harder.

My personal opinion is that you’re right. I don’t think SOME vanity is that bad. At the end of the day, men are visual creatures. Unless you meet a certain threshold of beauty (and this differs from man to man), they won’t consider you at all. Without doing enough maintenance to look feminine, attractive, and presentable, you wouldn’t even get your foot in the door, whereas the “vain” woman who does meet that threshold would. This is just the pragmatic approach.

Of course, everything in moderation. If you cannot afford your upkeep and are going in debt for facials and botox and designer clothes, or you’ve become so obsessed with health and fitness for the sole sake of looking good that you get orthorexia and an eating disorder, or you actively ruin your natural beauty by getting a plastic surgery addiction and getting botched or destroying your hair with too much bleach, then you’ve gone too far. When your entire self-worth is built on how attractive you are, and you care more about your looks than your character, and keeping up appearances is more important than all else, then you are vain in a bad way and it will be a problem that needs to be fixed.

Do you all think most men would see a problem with expensive clothes?

It depends. Are you investing in expensive staple pieces that will last you years, maybe even decades, every once in a while after budgeting appropriately? Or do you have a shopping addiction and are expecting your husband/boyfriend to foot the bill? Is your man the type to enjoy the finer things himself, or does he find it all frivolous and chooses to live a simple life? You need to adjust accordingly and also choose someone who fits with you in terms of “lifestyle”.

Wife_and_Mama · 2023-03-22T00:15:12+00:00

When I was single, I didn't have money for nice clothes and bought a lot of my dresses from Goodwill and eventually graduated to sale racks. My husband never knew my clothes weren't bought new or that my makeup came from the drug store. He just liked that I met a minimum standard of presentation. I don't think most men are going to care nearly as much about the cost as the final image and some guys like a higher maintenance look. As long as you're not going into debt to get it, it's pretty irrelevant whether your clothes are from trendy boutiques or The Salvation Army.

As for vanity, there's nothing wrong with looking nice. I say that as a practicing Catholic. I'd worry more about modesty if you're trying to attract a traditional Christian man. Typically, my advice is to limit your outfits to only one in the trifecta: short, low-cut, or tight. Otherwise, I can name a dozen Christian, Southern, SAHM's who take two hours to get ready to go to Wal-Mart.

Astroviridae · 2023-03-22T02:06:18+00:00

I feel like I could have written this a few years ago. Materialism and vanity are areas I struggle with, I was basically "that girl" before it become a trend.

In the last two years I made a serious commitment to modesty, both interior and exterior. I could do everything "right" on the outside, but if I'm still coveting materialism and my beauty then I haven't changed. I keep my makeup light and fully cover my body. I swapped pretty lace mantillas for neutral colored scarves. Of course, I still look nice and put together. The shift in mindset has lead to a deep conversion of my heart, an increase in faith, and inner silence and peace. So that's my religious perspective.

On the dating side, there's nothing wrong with being beautiful. Vanity is most detrimental as an inflated self worth, especially comparing yourself to others. If you spend excessive amounts of money on shopping sprees, refuse to eat a morsel outside of your strictly planned diet, talk incessantly about beauty treatments, and so forth then it's a problem. When men complain about women being high maintenance, they're not complaining about the beauty aspect but the vanity and time required to maintain that standard. Most men can't tell the difference between ELF and Charlotte Tilbury and if you got a balayage, they'd just say your hair looks nice. So long as you remain presentable, you will have no issue attracting men.

jenna_grows · 2023-03-22T06:37:40+00:00

You have a certain style. It sounds higher maintenance than other styles perhaps. It doesn’t make you vain.

You need to know who you are and who you want to attract. The kind of men I wanted to attract were the old money kinds who found the natural / effortless chic look appealing. They’re wealthy but not flashy.

In my view, Kardashian-level of upkeep women tend to attract newer money guys. They’ll be the ones who have flashy cars, flashy clothes and the flashy girl. Nothing wrong with that but I find overt displays of anything to be gauche. That’s my taste though.

It doesn’t mean I don’t do a lot to maintain my aesthetic. Facials, good skincare, regular nail appointments, keratin treatments and eyebrow maintenance, plus clothes that are classic pieces appropriate for my age and location and that flatter my figure… it’s not easy because you don’t have too much room to hide if you aren’t wearing a full face of makeup…

So I’m just as vain as you are. But my aesthetic is probably a whole lot different and suits my tastes, my lifestyle, and the image I want to portray to the outside world.

zaftig_stig · 2023-03-22T20:38:02+00:00

Christian view here.....

I grew up being busty & curvy (think 50's pinup) and was always overly conscious of my figure. I have friends that get hit on all the time etc... and not me. I used to believe it meant I wasn't as attractive.

Now I've finally learned some universal truths:

men don't need women to wear attention getting clothes, they notice our figures naturally. The way God designed Men and Women, they don't need the obvious put in front of them to appreciate the female form.
If that date thought you looked vain, you can examine yourself, but maybe your values just didn't align enough for him. That was a judgey statement he made. Also sounds like he's using vanity as a subjective term; I'd be curious how he defines it.
Men may have preferences, but what they really want to see is a woman who knows who she is and is confident in that. Across the board that's the number one attrative quality. In this current day of Kardashians 'setting a new bar' its really a false bar.
Work on being the best version of you. Learn to manage your issues/weaknesses. What you want to attract is quality, NOT quantity.

The right man is going to value the real you and desire what you have to offer.

BudgetInteraction811 · 2023-03-22T03:45:21+00:00

There are men who try to dissuade their girlfriends from having expensive taste, because they do not have a lifestyle compatible with such luxury. I don’t think it has anything to do with vanity.

AutoModerator · 2023-03-21T22:33:43+00:00

Title: Modesty & Vanity: How to balance those two in day to day life?

Full text: Hi all!

This question seems a little silly compared to all the other questions on here, but I've posted before and got great advice, so... hopefully you can help me with this!

I'm in my early 20s, still living with my parents, and have a part time job while in college. It's a good gig and I can pay for my own personal expenses as well as helping out with bills around the house and when going out with family. One of my priorities has always been to look pretty and presentable - so I always save some money to buy new clothes (some from expensive brands, some thrifted, etc), makeup, hair products, nails, going to the salon, etc.

I used to believe I practice some modesty, as I don't wear anything revealing or extremely short, nothing too sexy... but a date recently pointed out that I look a little vain because I'm always made up and also based on a comment I made (a joke that was basically 'now I gotta turn x thing in because my dresses aren't gonna get paid by themselves).

At the same time, I feel that leaving all vanity behind may make my chances at dating a lot harder.

I don't think the average male would guess the price of the clothes I wear, but assuming they do, eventually - do you all think most men would see a problem with expensive clothes?

How do you practice modesty while at the same time not hurting your looks?

Is some vanity really that bad?

I'd love to hear from all you ladies, especially those who hold Christian/Catholic views! ❤️

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TheBunk_TB · 2023-03-22T01:46:49+00:00

He may not be used to being around put together women/people

Title	Modesty & Vanity: How to balance those two in day to day life?
Author	templilwitch
Upvotes	20
Comments	17
Date	March 21, 2023 10:33 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/11xxaia/modesty_vanity_how_to_balance_those_two_in_day_to/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/modesty-vanity-how-to-balance-those-two-in-day-to.1186783 https://theredarchive.com/post/1186783

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