Dating Without Attraction: Can it work? What if the Pros outweigh the Cons?

Cosima_Fan_Tutte · 2024-02-26T14:29:06+00:00

I'd love to hear your opinions on why dating someone you're not attracted to is/isn't a bad idea, and if any of you ladies has entered a relationship without being head over heels or feeling that spark and had it grow over time.

Well, eventually you'll have to sleep with this guy, and then maintain an active sex life. That's what killed it for me when I dated a man who I wasn't attracted to. I'd lie next to him in bed after sex, which I'd try to avoid as much as I could, and think, "oh my God, that's what'll it'll be like for the rest if my life," and I'd feel an almost suicidal despair.

I do think relationships without attraction can work if both parties are driven by a higher purpose like family, stability, childrearing, faith, etc. I specify both, because if you're driven by practical reasons and he is expecting attraction and desire from you, you'll face his resentment and disappointment. Or you'll need to consistently act as if you desire him and want to please. Might be easy during the fresh period of the relationship, where novelty itself is exciting--can you do it for life?

If he is a man who puts family, stability, etc., above attraction from the very start, as a young man, he probably leans more beta overall--gentle, lower dominance, lower sex drive, etc. And you have to be okay with it and respect these traits.

Jenneapolis · 2024-02-26T15:23:38+00:00

I think reading through the dead bedrooms and marriage subs would help you. A major reason relationships don’t work out is sexual compatibility. If you are not attracted to your person in the beginning and not wanting to jump on them, you are definitely not going to want to have sex with them 10 years in. This is where maladaptive behaviors like cheating, use of sex workers, porn, and most devastatingly resentment and contempt come in. You are already saying that you desire less to spend time with him and make him happy. This is a problem if it’s happening already in the beginning.

I think for some women attraction can grow to men they are not initially attracted to. In those cases, I believe it’s worth it to try. You don’t have to feel the sparks on day one. But if you try and it never grows, it’s a recipe for disaster. Just because women did it in the past because they had no other options doesn’t mean they were happy or their partners were happy.

RazzmatazzOptimal563 · 2024-02-26T14:36:50+00:00

One of the greatest joys we experience in this short life of ours is being with someone you’re extremely attracted to. Don’t deny yourself that.

ArkNemesis00 · 2024-02-26T14:36:59+00:00

There are risks to marrying for the man and for marrying for the lifestyle. Most of these are because both the man and the lifestyle he provides can change. Also because what you want will likely change. The least risky option would be to find a man who has both and at 23 I would still encourage you to look for it. Better 60 years with a great fit than 65 with a decent one.

It's a huge benefit to marriage if you're as excited about what you're getting from the other person as you are about what you can give to them. It's great as well when sex is a joy and not a chore.

Marriage, especially with kids, is doing things you don't want to do out of obligation the majority of the time. I get myself through the chores and the errands and the cleaning up bodily fluids by thinking to myself "yeah, but at least if I do it my husband won't have to". It's really helpful for motivating myself and combating resentment.

You can give it a little time to see if attraction grows. Sometimes we can become attracted to men who display competence, rather than looks.

RedPillDad · 2024-02-26T18:01:57+00:00

Correction: You cannot negotiate DESIRE.

Lust/desire is a powerful form of attraction. If she isn't feeling it in the first 90 seconds, jumping through hoops trying to make her feel isn't going to work.

That being said, lust by itself is an unstable foundation for a relationship. Lust reigns supreme in the hookup scene. Arranged marriages tend to work because they're not volatile, lust-based arrangements.

One-Introduction-566 · 2024-02-26T14:49:44+00:00

I feel like you just need some baseline attraction. I’ve gone on dates with men I didn’t find attractive at all; and I could notice myself feeling repulsed and annoyed with them as time went on. That sounds like a recipe for disaster in a relationship. However, I could see myself being with someone who I might not find super attractive, but still get along well and have fun and don’t feel repulsed by and I think that can work out fine. There is enough attraction for a relationship even if it’s more emotional attraction than physical attraction.

Wife_and_Mama · 2024-02-26T17:00:26+00:00

It's a bad idea because you're 23. If you were 43, I'd say this was a logical conclusion. The pool is far more shallow in twenty years and society trains us to find younger people more attractive. Right now, however, you're at your peak. This isn't the time to settle for some man for whom you physically feel nothing.

I don't know why 25 is the scary number, unless you've been reading men's Red Pill content, but you're nowhere near "the wall." You don't have to think about this in absolutes, either. Attraction does build over time, once you get to know a man. Charm, charisma, chivalry, confidence, any number of things can make a man more attractive in your eyes as you form a bond. That doesn't mean you choose a man you find unattractive, but it does mean a guy who's just a guy can become undeniably attractive.

You're 23. This is a ridiculous conclusion that will undoubtedly lead you to a deeply unsatisfying relationship.

Fae_Leaf · 2024-02-26T20:16:13+00:00

I would never. It's not fair to yourself or the man, unless both parties have no libido or, as another commenter put it, prioritize other things so far above sex that not having any sex (or extremely minimal) would truly not bother either person. Something like the latter occurring is going to be incredibly rare, but both are situations that aren't guaranteed to always be that way forever. One person could start wishing for more sex, or one of you starts to have a libido for one reason or another, and then it's a real, serious problem.

Flat-out, not enough sex or not getting anything at all is a huge, huge, huge contributing factor to a substantial amount of failed relationships, especially for the man. It's not always the case, of course. But maintaining a healthy sex life that's fulfilling for both parties--especially the man--is one of the best ways to retain a thriving relationship.

I've been in relationships where I lost attraction to the man, and it makes sex incredibly difficult. Your libido won't necessarily drop, but you'll prefer doing literally anything except have sex with this person. And when you do force yourself, it isn't like the man can't tell you're not into it. There's a really big difference in how you are when you're extremely aroused vs not being aroused at all, from your body language, behavior, and even your pheromones.

And I've had it happen to me. Resentment and toxicity in the relationship made the man no longer want me at all, no matter how attractively I tried to present myself. I could be naked or wearing lingerie and throwing myself on this guy, who used to go berserk for me sexually, and he could ignore me for something on TV or just looking at his phone. I remember being told, "even if you're completely naked, seeing you is a total turn-off." It was devastating. So I've experienced it in both directions, and it was certain doom to the relationship both times. Obviously that latter example is extreme, but the point still stands. A lack sex will wear on a man's psyche and the relationship.

ETA: I think there's something to be said for finding someone that isn't exactly your type but ending up being attracted to them as you get to know them. In the same way that an extremely physically attractive woman can become an absolute turn-off to a man if she's completely psychotic, you can start to find someone attractive when they're everything you ever wanted as far as personality and stuff goes. It's kind of like when someone has a physical flaw (i.e. a mole or birth mark) that otherwise isn't attractive in a vacuum, but when you love someone with it, you associate that flaw with this person you love, and you almost start to like the flaw because that's part of them. However, I think there's a limit to this. If the man is absolutely not attractive at all (not just to where he's not your ideal type; he's flat-out not a guy you care to look at), I can't see this working. The personality-bonus can only boost physical attraction so much. So it depends just how unattractive this man is to you.

Spriteandfries · 2024-02-27T07:13:56+00:00

Often the issues you had in the beginning end up being the reason for breaking up, even years later of “making it work” and you end up wasting so much of both of your lives.

I knew I wasn’t super attracted to my ex from day 1, but he had qualities I liked, and was handsome in an objective way. I stayed for 3.5 years, and in a way the attraction did grow because loving someone makes them more beautiful. But, the sexual attraction never grew, and I completely lost my libido. Sex was a chore I had to get done because I knew it was necessary for a healthy relationship. I tried to make it work because it made sense. I didn’t want to start over. I wanted to be working towards marriage. He was a good guy. But, after 3.5 years together, neither of us felt any closer to being ready for marriage. Much deeper than appearances, I wasn’t attracted to who he was. He was too soft, too sensitive, too shy and insecure and it made it impossible for me to feel soft and feminine. I never said this, but I know he felt rejected by me for that 3.5 years.

Last spring I broke it off and in the summer I met my current boyfriend. We talked about marriage early on, we both knew this relationship was different to any we’d had before, and after 6 months there’s not a doubt in my mind that I want to spend my life with him. He is very attractive, but the superficial things I used to care about don’t matter to me when it comes to him. He could become an old man with no weenie tomorrow and I’d still be into him because who he is, is hot asf. I’ve never experienced that before, but I think it has a lot to do with being with a guy who really embodies a true masculine energy. It’s intoxicating as a woman. That said I don’t think I was capable of being attracted to that masculinity between the ages of 16-23 because of being on the birth control pill. (No longer on it)

I was scared to end my 3.5 year relationship at 24. But there was no reason to be because only 4 months later I met my guy. Don’t settle. Hold out, it really is true when you know you know, and if he’s the guy for you he’s gonna be on the same timeline and it will move fast (if that’s what you both want.)

One thing I will note though is that having a type is something to let go of. It will not serve you. If there are specific traits you really find unattractive that’s fine, but don’t limit yourself to a certain aesthetic. I read where you like guys that are kinda Pete Davidson type, and that’s cool for celebrity crushes but guys that actually look like that are usually self obsessed and not secure masculine men. Also you said your youngest age on your dating apps is 30, I’m 24 and had the same thing. Makes sense in theory but wouldn’t ya know it my man is 27. Be open to guys who got their shit together younger than most. You got this girl I know exactly where you’re coming from, I wish I had friends like you to talk about this stuff with! You don’t need to worry about a thing.

Mighty_Wombat42 · 2024-02-27T03:01:54+00:00

I agree with the commenter who said it can work if both parties are getting involved for reasons beyond attraction. Arranged marriages weren’t blind dates; usually your families are heavily involved, invested, and vetting the other person for you. Most cultures these days who do arranged marriages will allow the intended spouses to spend some time together before getting engaged, depending on the culture that may be alone together, together in public, or with a chaperone. But also in these situations, both parties know that they’re marrying for stability and are prepared to work on growing love for each other. That takes care of the resentment that a man would feel if he thought you were marrying him for love but you’re not attracted to him. Also, if you have an arranged marriage, it’s likely that many established couples you know, including your own parents, have also been there and will give you advice on how to develop a love bond with your spouse.

Also keep in mind that sometimes with a blind arrangement, the physical repulsion is too much for either person to overcome (historical example is Henry VIII and Anne of Cleves). This is one of the reasons that at least in historically Christian parts of the world, annulments are a thing.

Considering your age and that you like significantly older men, particularly professors, keep in mind that part of the appeal of women your age and younger is that you’re more likely to be up for something casual and less likely to push for marriage. Not sure if the “almost 25” comment was fear of the wall or just wanting to find a marriage-minded man, but if it was the former, in your case, being mid to late 20s might actually place you more into “wife material” category for the kind of man you’re looking for. I would suggest being open about your intentions on your profile. Also, there are religious and tradcon alt guys, so if that’s the aesthetic you like, you don’t need to compromise on that to find someone who shares your goals.

Finally, I’d suggest considering the difference between “I’m not attracted to him … yet” and “I find him unattractive”. There are guys who are absolutely not my type, that I developed crushes on after getting to know, because they had personality traits I find attractive. There are also guys who had all the personality traits I look for, but who had poor hygiene or a physical trait that was a complete turnoff for me. If your response to seeing a man’s pictures is to think he’s alright looking, but not feel turned on, I think it’s worth dating him to see if attraction grows. But if you feel repulsed by him, either in pictures or in person, that’s a no go zone. Remember that sex is what makes men feel loved, and a man with enough beta to be a good captain will care whether you are into the sex or not. Don’t sign yourself up for life with someone if you cringe when he touches you. If he’s otherwise a good guy, he deserves a chance to find someone who wants him in the same way he wants her.

xx_AphroditeDove_xx · 2024-02-26T14:00:20+00:00

It's not a bad idea if he is great in every other way in my opinion. I live in city known for having beautiful women and provider men and it is common to see beautiful women with ugly men. I find it pretty rare in general to see a couple where I think the man is better looking or his partner's equal counterpart.

I don't think you need to let go of all your looks preferences though, if at all. You are 23 and can still be selective, even if it requires leveling up yourself. I'm married but I had 0 interest in overweight and older men when dating. I think it would have been impossible no matter how great a man was if he was obese or old for me to be interested in him or gain any attraction. So you can divide what are "Needs" and "Preferences".

It varies from woman to woman what is important to them. It can work depending on the woman. Some women will date a 99 year man that looks like he is melting happily, and some will prioritize a man being over 6 feet tall and will ignore a plethora of red flags as long as he is tall, dark, and handsome. Obviously most people fall in the middle of those extremes but it is a spectrum.

My husband is very physically attractive to me. He cares a lot about his fitness and dresses well (I pick out his clothes lol) which is honestly enough to make most men look attractive imo. Does some of that attraction also come from the fact that he is a provider, intelligent, and a good husband? Probably, yes. I could have never been attracted to someone who was lazy, not a breadwinner, and had bad manners.

A lot of women's type will not lead to happiness. The bad boy stereotype is true and a lot of women are attracted to men who will leave them in bad situations.

jgstromptrsnen · 2024-02-26T16:52:44+00:00

I'm curious what qualities you find attractive or not.

For example, if you find being physically fit attractive, and the men you meet aren't fit, then I'd question their leadership qualities, because leadership to me starts with setting your own life, body, and mind in order.

Or on the other hand, do you find height below 6ft or thinning hair unattractive? Those things they don't have control over.

buttermiIk · 2024-02-27T03:24:13+00:00

Goes for both men and women but if you enter a long term relationship with someone you’re not physically attracted to you will end up resenting yourself and find yourself eyeing other possibilities and looking at other men asking “what-if”

Find someone you’re confident in admiring in every aspect. You deserve someone who you can look at and go “wow I’m so in love with him he is so handsome to me”

Leonhart93 · 2024-02-26T14:09:11+00:00

I think that even the people that didn't marry for attraction eventually develop attraction, if they stay together for long. It would be a function of living together and supporting each other. Everything was very unlike today, you would have contact with like 20-30 people at most. But these days the prevalent subconscious subroutine in big cities is "I have limitless options" which basically ensures that attraction to a single person for long is far more brittle.

In conclusion I don't think it's possible for long without attraction, but the problem today is that gaining and keeping attraction for someone is far more complicated than it used to be.

free_breakfast_ · 2024-02-27T04:47:04+00:00

With all of the responses so far on your post, what's your current conclusions on the entire situation?

cast-away-ramadi06 · 2024-02-26T14:37:23+00:00

What you're getting at I think is the different facets of love. English has very few words for love and I think it causes us a lot of problems.

As nearest I can tell, you're talking about the differences between lust and love. If you're going to use the Greek terms, I think you're talking about the difference between eros and storge, or even how eros changes to encompass the appreciation of someone's inner beauty.

At any rate, for me, as long as I don't find a woman's physical appearance unattractive, I'm far more concerned about other things.

Organic_Muffin280 · 2024-03-04T17:46:00+00:00

The classic Chad vs brad dilemma of young women. Well you also cannot be someone's peak beauty. Your peak was probably till 21. Do you wanna live life thinking like that? and dating men also thinking like that? Or to eventually mature and get more serious standards. If you want more athletic bodies, take a sporty man. But if you want the entire chad badboi playboy package, then be ready for the heartbreak. Those "monsters of men", its you women yourselves that create them. With your hypergamy and hybristophilia. Chasing the next tingles and challenges. Fast food, gets you fast health deterioration though... . If you want a good stable man, become a good woman first. And your desires will reallign

AutoModerator · 2024-02-26T13:15:31+00:00

Title: Dating Without Attraction: Can it work? What if the Pros outweigh the Cons?

Author templilwitch

Full text: I was going over some of the older posts this morning, especially the three posts about vetting. I came across this part: "It's red pill canon that you cannot negotiate attraction, and this is true on the individual level. You can't start with someone who has good partnership qualities on paper but you're not attracted to, and work or will your way to attraction." Link here.

I think what has caused some confusion, for me, is that those dynamics can work - and for a good portion of our history, and still part of the culture of some countries, people have gotten married for multiple reasons other than attraction. Marrying for love is somewhat of a new concept as the standard for relationships - right?

Now, I would love to marry for love. But, as I go out with people and put effort into vetting and looking out for the right qualities, often the men that meet the criteria I have set (wants to marry, wants children, good job, traditional values, understanding, wants to provide, would be a good Captain) don't match the criteria that makes a man physically attractive to me. And I've often rejected them on the basis of not feeling enough attraction or chemistry - until this year. I find myself at 23, closer and closer to hitting 25 and not in a committed relationship. It's scary.

So I've started seeing a man that isn't someone I find physically attractive, but that meets so many of the qualities I find admirable in a person. It's early enough that I can't say it's been a positive experience yet, but he treats me significantly better and is a lot more interested than guys I was definitely attracted to (even the ones that were ready to offer commitment).

I've also found that chasing the men that are my type, more often than not, ends up with matching with men who are very much liberal, not dominant/captain-material, not ready or interested in the type of relationship I'd like (traditional, patriarchal) and is interested in dynamics I'm not interested in (open, poly...).

I've found that smaller things - that were instinctual with men I was attracted to - don't come as naturally to me now, as I'm not as eager to spend time with them (though I do still enjoy it) and haven't been as interested in finding out what I can do to please (non-sexually) him as I was with others in the past. I have to sit & think, rationally, that the guy is wonderful, has dated women more beautiful than me, wants something serious and has been open about it, has told his mom about me (on week 2 of us going out), hears what I like and takes it into consideration, has gotten me a gift for no reason at all, etc - and then do the things I would've done for others. I have to will myself into being as enthusiastic and charming and gentle, but it hasn't been long and, so far, it does get easier.

Especially if a woman's type isn't conducive to finding a Captain-type man (or a Captain-type man that will commit to her), it's safe to assume that the people outside of her type won't be (as) attractive to her. But given they meet all the qualities on paper & are genuinely interested in building something long term, isn't it silly to give up without trying over something physical (race, height, weight, etc)?

I'd love to hear your opinions on why dating someone you're not attracted to is/isn't a bad idea, and if any of you ladies has entered a relationship without being head over heels or feeling that spark and had it grow over time.

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kiara_taylor · 2024-03-01T08:11:42+00:00

Didn’t work for me

c_a_l_m · 2024-02-26T23:47:21+00:00

save him the trouble

Title	Dating Without Attraction: Can it work? What if the Pros outweigh the Cons?
Author	templilwitch
Upvotes	40
Comments	55
Date	February 26, 2024 1:15 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1b0h8rc/dating_without_attraction_can_it_work_what_if_the/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/dating-without-attraction-can-it-work-what-if-the.1246478 https://theredarchive.com/post/1246478

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