Can't Imagine Remarrying

4agreements · 2019-10-20T02:00:09+00:00

It’s hard to understand how you lost out if you married and had no kids and your wife worked. If her family is wealthy, that is no concern of yours. Your, as well as her, inherited wealth is not community property unless you commingle the funds and both begin spending it, is that what your saying? She inherited money and didn’t put it in a share bank account?

The hard part of marriage is that it’s a business partnership where unless each party makes exactly the same income, spends exactly the same, does the same emotional work, house work, child care, etc, someone is going to feel like they got screwed financially at divorce. But marriage is and never will be equal because we don’t marry to make money. We marry to share our lives with someone, to have sex, intimacy fun with one exclusive person.

People don’t marry thinking that they will divorce. If we all knew our marriage would end in divorce NO ONE would marry. The destruction to the kids and each other doesn’t out weigh the pain for me. I’ll never marry again; it’s an old useless construct that is far from logical in this age for both partners. No one wins in divorce. We all lose.

vector5633 · 2019-10-20T13:20:47+00:00

My marriage is heading for a divorce for sure. One thing I will never ever do again is marry again. Fuck that!

The only good thing that came out of my marriage is my two daughters. Unfortunately this bitch is trying to alienate me from them.

The oldest is being really disrespectful to me and the mother doesn't say anything about it.

Never marry again!

SpacemanLost · 2019-10-20T03:48:28+00:00

I was pretty close to 'never again' for a long while.

Somewhat similar story beginning - my ex chose to be a stay at home long before we had kids, and it turns out was cheating on me throughout the entire marriage, not to mention being abusive and eventually physically abusive. I'm still paying child support more than a decade later and my ex continues to be a PITA and make things more difficult and expensive whenever she can. As a running total, my divorce and support payment have cost me over a half-million dollars, mostly after taxes, and will continue to do so for another 3-5 years.

So I was in the 'oh hell no' camp, until I met the woman who would eventually be my second wife. The good news is that interestingly enough she is in the same boat as I am. She's non custodial parent to kids of ages similar to mine. Her ex got the kids though semi-nasty means (used her medical history against her, quit his job and filed for and got disability before the divorce).

We dated for a long time (~7 years) in part because I had a hard rule that I told every woman I dated: That I wouldn't even discuss/enteratin the idea of marriage until after 5 years minimum. This sent away a number of ladies pretty quickly, but not her. She had a SAHM, but went back to school - grad school specifically and picked up a dual CS/MBA-type master degree, and plunged into the high tech work force.

Because we were in similar situations we agreed on not just a prenup, but totally separate accounts, which remain to this day after 5 years of marriage. She's making over 150k now (as am I) and there's no money conflicts over who is funding spending on whose kids or anything else. (her support payments are actually bigger than mine right now). She transfers over a set amount every month that pays for her half of the house, etc and has never missed or complained. She's also managed to squirrel away some decent savings.

Because we made such effort to protect each other financially if things didn't work out, that actually made it much easier on the romantic part of our relationship, and as partners/lovers/companions it's 100x better than either of our first marriages.

So where am I going with all of this?

Getting married a second time into the same type of situation (stay-at home, you support 100%) is stupid. So Make some hard rules and minimum requirements - X amount of time dating must pass and she has to be self-sufficient, and pre-nup ok before you will even entertain the discussion. Hard rules that will not bend. Do this give yourself a mental safe-zone to date again and prevent a lot of negative baggage from hanging over each new relationship.

Some women will next you and nope out of there when they find out you can't be rushed to the alter. It'll be a great filter to help you find if there's someone out there who could be the companion through life that you had originally hoped for. You keep the door open, but protect yourself. The truth is, the majority of single women out there WANT to be kept women with someone else paying for them to have an easier, lower-stress life as opposed to having to bust their ass in the modern workplace. But some are ok with having to pull their weight, and value having a good partner enough to make it worthwhile. They're just harder to find.

I hope that makes some sort of sense.

hustlors · 2019-10-20T20:50:48+00:00

Totally agree and am in a similar situation. My wife didnt really work (she taught a few yoga classes per week) no kids and I paid for everything. I have a pre nup but every lawyer will say it could be invalid. It will be held up.in court but it will cost 5 figures in attorney fees to get there. There is no point in marriage. Its expensive and the whole process is designed to create discord wich results in more money for attorneys. My wife had 11 years of free living and now she wants half my house. I'm not saying I would go postal but I get why people do.

ref006 · 2019-10-22T04:56:20+00:00

Make sure you take time to heal. Invest in yourself for awhile. As difficult as it is I also recommend getting comfortable being single and spending time with yourself.

Stay strong. It gets better

Algedonic_Zeit · 2019-10-20T01:58:14+00:00

I know this is all fresh in your mind (me too, divorce 2 weeks ago). But you will have small glimpses in the coming months that maybe you can find it in your heart to love someone like that again.

But people should be telling you it's ok to be hurt and jaded for years even.

Take it slow, you're starting over. Start with coffee with a cute girl in a few months or longer if you need to.

armsforanexleper · 2019-10-20T02:16:50+00:00

No, marriage is literally the worst deal ever, strictly from a financial point of view anyway

MajIssuesCaptObvious · 2019-10-20T02:17:44+00:00

Divorced back in 2004 and still not interested in marriage, especially after being cleaned out. If marriage is what someone I'm dating wants, then we go our separate ways. I have no attachment to the idea of being married, and I won't risk my kids' inheritance.

I don't comprehend what people like about being married ( I can understand if they've found someone that's really a great long term partner/spouse, but not the institution of marriage itself).

Also, whether a woman has money or not, the court system is not in your favor. You can still lose everything. What it depends on is her attitude at the time of separation: does she want to hurt you by taking everything you've got or just move on with her life? You won't know that until you're getting divorced.

WhiteCh0c01at3 · 2019-10-20T03:59:51+00:00

Be glad you don't have kids involved. I'm sorry if that's a touchy subject but it would be even more painful. When the time is right (no idea when) you'll meet someone with the same work ethic and same goals that you can help each other accomplish.

Thaniii · 2019-10-20T04:46:50+00:00

Can't understand why would anyone want to be shackled again

MarcusTheo · 2019-10-20T14:41:36+00:00

I definitely would have married my, now ex, girlfriend. I wanted to do everything again with her. Since we split, nope. Not interested in marriage or any more children. Maybe it'll change if I meet the right person. Marriage, that is, more kids, no. I've finally got out of changing nappies, I don't want to go back.

croyab · 2019-10-21T02:18:43+00:00

That's the thing, every couple I know where one partner retires early or shifts down on their work efforts--it's the wife who does so. I'm not talking about stay at home moms here, just women that prefer leisure (who doesn't) and have no compunction about following that preference. To be fair my STBXW is a decade older than I am. But one partner in a couple retiring 25 years before the other is not a recipe for a successful mariage.

Notlikeotherguys · 2019-11-09T16:31:42+00:00

Second marriage divorce rates=65%, Third marriage divorce rates=75%. Are you feeling lucky punk?

Title	Can't Imagine Remarrying
Author	croyab
Upvotes	16
Comments	26
Date	October 20, 2019 1:16 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/dkctrx/cant_imagine_remarrying/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/cant-imagine-remarrying.1203344 https://theredarchive.com/post/1203344

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