Helping BF become more of a captain- he has never had to "lead"

ivysaurah · 2023-06-08T22:38:34+00:00

His way of living is fine and many women out there would be happy to lead him. Your expectations for a partner are also fine and plenty of men would be happy to lead you. If it’s a deal breaker for you, best to let things break. I don’t think it’s possible/healthy to guide a grown man into changing their values like this. Feel free to have an honest discussion about it, but it’s out of your control how he reacts to your feelings here.

sicrm · 2023-06-08T21:36:39+00:00

Sometimes for me I find it easier just for me to do stuff, and skip the explaining, but long term this is NOT the relationship I want.

most people who live their life one way generally don’t change in a significant way unless something tragic happens.

Alternative_Spend_26 · 2023-06-09T01:22:33+00:00

I’m a stay at mom and my husband doesn’t do any of the things you described as leading. He leads our family in different ways, but I pay all of the bills (with his income), hire the services, control our calendar, etc. He leads by making the money, and weighing in on big decisions so that I don’t have to make them by myself. He is also at the end of the day the one responsible for our overall safety and security.

We subscribe to gender roles as well and I’m grateful I don’t have to do certain things like get the oil changed, cut the grass, take out trash, kill spiders. And I’m also freaking awesome at balancing our checkbook, writing a budget, etc and wouldn’t want him to do it anyway.

Maybe you two kind find for him other areas to lead in like with increasing his ability to be breadwinner (going back to school, job training, etc), having him learn to cook really well, etc.

diaryofalostgirl · 2023-06-08T22:18:16+00:00

I personally would not date a man I felt I had to mother. That's what you're describing: "How do I help him learn how to do all these things, without him relying on me? How do I help guide this wonderful man to being a captain?"

That was his parents' job. It isn't yours. So your choice is to take this man as he is or leave him where he is -- but it's not your place to play Pygmalion, unless you are desperate to be saddled with a son-partner for life.

puddingbike · 2023-06-09T06:22:19+00:00

How do I help him learn how to do all these things, without him relying on me? How do I help guide this wonderful man to being a captain?

It's not going to happen. Men certainly do evolve, of course, as they get older. But, I've never seen a man's fundamental disposition change. The 30 year old boyfriend who presently shows a resoluteness and leadership qualities...well, in some way, shape or form he was showing the same when he was 12. That's just the way it works.

BF is very kind and overall a great guy. He has respected me and treated me better than any other relationship I have been in. Only issue is he does not really know how to lead.

These three statements are not entirely unrelated. They tend to go together. It's not to say a natural leader can't be a kind, "great guy." But, often very pleasant qualities are bundled together with a personality type that's not particularly assertive.

but long term this is NOT the relationship I want.

Then get out now. Maybe I shouldn't say that because what do I know? This is just a Reddit post, after all. But, based upon what I read, I don't see this man's character fundamentally transforming into what you want. You feel that he could have some type of "leadership training." How exactly does that work? That doesn't sound very realistic to me.

Perhaps just try telling him, "I need you to behave like a leader." And, see if he rises to that challenge.

Margareydragonslayer · 2023-06-12T06:44:59+00:00

If he’s a good dude (and it sounds like it is) he will become more independent naturally over the course of the next year or two. The stress of transitioning to being more independent is probably already hard on him - I feel like trying to “gently” encourage him to lead more will just put pressure on him. If I’m being honest I used to have feelings that my partner wasn’t leading that well and feel a little grossed out at the thought of being a mother figure. The situation became a lot better when I stopped focusing on ‘guiding’ him.

The metaphor that has worked really well for me is to think of my boyfriend’s masculine/leadership side as if it was a plant. My job is to support him and love him and give him a little sunshine and then otherwise just kind of step back and wait. A tomato sapling will turn into a tomato plant - it doesn’t need me to teach it how to be a tomato. You say that your boyfriend hasn’t had “training” but I don’t think it matters all that much - he has all the resources he needs to turn into a flight-booking, food-ordering machine. Just step back, wait, and try to have a good mood when he makes mistakes.

itburnsss45 · 2023-06-09T13:17:05+00:00

Heya! I've been there, done that.

My advice is that you have to 100% learn to step back so that he has the opportunity to have space to step up. Sometimes things might not get done, accept this might happen. In the learning process he might make mistakes and you need to let him make them (if they aren't too serious) this is how he will learn. In this process you are going to have to be really, really patient. It's pretty darn challenging but you can do it. If you find yourself getting inpatient or pissed off, walk away for a minute. It is important to leave him to his own devices so he can develop as a person.

Also read the surrendered wife by laura doyle and the alpha women's guide to marriage by susan venker. These books really helped me a lot.

I was in a similar situation. I'd moved out of home very young and ran my own house for over a decade. My partner had never had to do these things. Always had his parents or a maid (crazy right?!) to do everything for him. He didn't even know how to cook the most basic of meals, had never gone grocery shopping before and had never vacuumed his house for example. As someone with low tolerance for bullshit this was very hard for me to accept. We had many arguments and I got angry A LOT.

But after reading the books and consuming content on this sub I was able to learn how to deal with it. Things are much much better now. He pays all our bills on time, goes grocery shopping when I can't, does some cleaning and cooks basic meals once per week (I always step out of the kitchen because I inevitably end up frustrated being a very good cook). I give him space to step up and learn. He is still honing some of his skills and every now and again he will leave things too long. For example, our shower was blocked and he was meant to fix it a week ago. Now this problem has caused a leek, it is his responsibility to get this fixed, not me. I step back and let him handle what are his responsibilies. I still do the lion's share around the house, but his responsibilities are his (unless there are extenuating circumstances, then I give him some slack). If they don't get done then problems happen, but usually he is very good.

Edited to add: I don't think you should leave him like others are suggesting. I believe he will be able to learn and grow. If after a significant amount of time has passed there is no change, then maybe. But currently that is not what I'd suggest.

YellowMuffinTop · 2023-07-01T05:09:49+00:00

Has he ever made a major decision in his life on his own?

If yes, then he has hope. If not, can you trust him to stand up for you and your family if he needs someone to lead him to a decision?

I would say it is more respectable to follow a man who makes a poor decision than to follow a man who makes no decisions at all.

You can possibly help him by forcing him to make decisions, starting with small stuff like choosing what to eat or what to buy.

Honestly I think such a man is pathetic but if you truly love him and he truly loves you, then it may be worth training him to lead and make decisions.

Future-Dance-1188 · 2023-07-02T11:52:47+00:00

Well you didn’t have to worry about this!!

Such_Beginning_1629 · 2023-06-09T07:20:01+00:00

Important skills like budgeting, housekeeping, taxes etc. are not even mentioned in most schools. Here, maybe Hauptschule might have a lesson on how to talk to your Jobcenter but that is it. In your position I would talk with his mother. Tell her that he is not knowing how to approach XX.
Here the catholic women’s education center offers „House-Economics for men“. That might be a good start. And what is wrong with approaching searching for a flat/house together? If it is you who gently steers it does not mean he can not lead!

theinvisibletoad · 2023-06-09T08:23:05+00:00

Where exactly do you want him to lead you to?

AutoModerator · 2023-06-08T19:29:07+00:00

Title: Helping BF become more of a captain- he has never had to "lead"

Full text: Recently been lurking on this sub, and overall agree with many of the values.

Background, me and my BF have been together nearly a year. We are about to move in together next month. Although this is not exactly ideal pre- marriage, with the economy and my teacher salary I need to either a. move in with him or b. move back across the country where I am from. I love FL and want to stay, so currently going with a.

BF is very kind and overall a great guy. He has respected me and treated me better than any other relationship I have been in. Only issue is he does not really know how to lead. I feel like the reason he doesnt know how, is because he never had to. Both his parents were in military, which meant he was always moving, being told where to move, what schools to go to, etc. After that he played basketball in college. So once again a school controlled what he wore, where he lived, when he traveled amount of money to spend, etc. After college he went pro overseas. Once again this meant an agent was handling his travel, his team, living arrangement, they even ordered all food for them (language barrier/ phone security). Now that chapter may be completely closed, he is transitioning into "real world" and needs to be a leader, both for himself and our relationship. Issue is, he hasnt had this training yet.

On the other hand, I was raised much different. I moved out at 17, went to college, and moved across the country without my family. I know how to pay bills, budget, save, etc.

How do I help him learn how to do all these things, without him relying on me? How do I help guide this wonderful man to being a captain? Sometimes for me I find it easier just for me to do stuff, and skip the explaining, but long term this is NOT the relationship I want.

Thanks!

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astral1 · 2023-06-09T15:09:33+00:00

“Necessity is the mother of invention.”

RubyWooToo · 2023-06-10T15:37:21+00:00

What exactly does he rely on you to do for him?

Title	Helping BF become more of a captain- he has never had to "lead"
Author	maroonmallard
Upvotes	16
Comments	26
Date	June 8, 2023 7:29 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/144ikh2/helping_bf_become_more_of_a_captain_he_has_never/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/helping-bf-become-more-of-a-captain-he-has-never.1221669 https://theredarchive.com/post/1221669

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