Hello all! This is gonna be a bit of a long one so bear with me. A little over a year ago I started working on social media (won’t get into details as I do have a large following as of now, basically promoting conversative values, social commentary, etc.). I started from nothing, had no money, and someone contacted me to work together and grow. I had a good feeling and so we started working together, and as a result talking daily and developing a (friendly) relationship—virtually I may add because we were living in neighboring but separate European countries. Over a few months we became quite close, the project started growing and eventually we met in person to sign a contract together, realized we had feelings for each other, started dating, and I ended up moving to his city (I had to move anyway as my time in the other place was over). From the start he has always treated me like a princess, the first time we met he paid for my flight, hotel, meals, etc., especially since I had no money back then. (obviously no sex or anything, we were just meeting for the contract). We have been together for about 8 months now and we have a really good, solid relationship. He is in his early 30s and I’m in my mid-20s. In the European country where we live (I am Latina/American originally), salaries are super low and he does earn above. He is in good shape, handsome, hard working, not into partying, getting into God with me (I am revisiting my faith), and claims to be very in love with me, plans to marry me, have kids, etc. He has shown me his commitment by providing in whatever way he can (he’s far from rich), paying for dates, took me on a nice trip for my birthday, when my family came to visit he was amazing with them and keeps in touch with them, etc. He is masculine in the sense that he takes care of me, leads everything, is the rock to my emotional ups and downs. Our project has turned into a business that is small for now but that will surely be prosperous in the future, and he is looking into side businesses with a friend of his. I have made it clear that I will not move in or have children with him without a ring, and he's aware of this and agrees. We are spending a month of this summer together (currently) in a beach house his family owns. Our days consist of both of us working on the project (he works more), gym, and me doing most of the cleaning, but he does cook often as he is better than me. I have some pretty bad PMS (not on birth control) and when I’m not PMSing, I have strong feelings towards him. And yet every month like clockwork on my PMS, I start questioning everything. I don’t feel strongly about him and start wondering if I can do better. I dream, like every other girl, of a man who provides fully, is handsome, and still fully faithful/head over heels for me. And yet I’ve seen myself how unrealistic those standards are for most women (there aren’t that many wealthy men for all of us). I am attractive and young, but not model material by any means (or else I wouldn't be asking this, lol). I always think that if I wanted to leave him for a man who fully provides and is faithful (you know since red pill swears a provider wouldn’t be), I'd have to get a much older one. The women in his country (and whom he's dated) were die-hard 50/50 feminists, so he is also making quite a leap into this journey.

So most of the time (when I’m not PMSing lol), I feel lucky to have someone who is ambitious, fit, committed to me, loves to cook, treats me so well, wants a future with me, tries to provide how he can, is faithful, is better than most men in this country by far, isn’t woke, I’m attracted to, etc. I enjoy my job and even though I sometimes fantasize about being a full-time SAHM, I wonder if I wouldn’t miss my job instead (which is nowhere as consuming as a regular office job). He has said he never wants me to work as much as him, and my job right now can be stressful but is nowhere as bad as a normal one. However, this business we have together does depend on my image (aka I cannot quit lol). But he does have side things and is expanding and creating new ones.

However, every month, like I said, I get to this point. Where I wish he’d provide fully, where I wonder if I should leave him for someone who does and give that person my youth instead. I’m constantly wondering whether I’m settling or not asking for what I want. I fear I’d regret leaving him because I do love him and most girls I know are far from having someone like this in his life. But other times I think of my mom, who has had to work, raise us, and do house chores, and fear so intensely ending up like her, and think I should leave him to find an older, more established man. His parents built a nice, comfortable life together and that’s what he aims for us, though he sees himself as the leader of any projects we get involved in, and plans to get property in the future so that we have other incomes, etc. Clearly, I am a mess, overthinking everything, and in need of some advice (social media “high value women” don’t help). My family loves him so far and tells me to not pull my typical I’m not satisfied card and to stick to the relationship. I don’t know if this is intuition or anxiety. And I wonder if I can ever even be satisfied in a relationship. Should I talk to him? If so what would I even say? I don’t want to say something I can’t take back, as in, “I’m not sure about you.” I also have a timeline of how much I will wait before he gives me a ring (and if not I’m gone), and I wonder if I should just wait for that? Idk man…but like I said, I'm returning to my faith in God and starting to pray on this, and to trust that he will show me the way, with time. If you have advice on how to become more feminine in this sense, let me know

​

edit: based on some of your comments, I should add that I've only had one boyfriend before him and was single for 3 yrs before this one. No sex but plenty of dates, plenty of good, masculine men but same thing, no one felt "good enough". This guy was different b/c I developed feelings without wanting to (we def did NOT want to date lol). I do struggle with self-sabotage but my struggle here is not knowing whether it is that, or intuition. SIGH af lol

Thank you ladies.