Is there anything you wish you did in your relationship before falling pregnant?

anothergoodbook · 2023-01-09T12:21:01+00:00

I also started having children young at 23 - we now have 4.

I probably could/should have put in some more work on myself. I was quite immature in my thinking. I was unhappy and wanted circumstances outside of myself to make me happy (particularly my husband and child). That eventually put a strain on our marriage later on (and other immature thinking). Neither one of us regrets having children when we did however.

The reality is no relationship is perfect (although many on Reddit would make it seem that way). And there’s no being totally ready for a child. It is something like nothing else on the planet. A child pushes you far outside of yourself. There were days/nights when I thought I absolutely could not do another nursing session or diaper change. But I did because I had to. That can strain even the most amazing of marriages to be honest.

The best things I could think of would be to keep in mind that after the baby is born, your husband still likes to have your time and attention also. And that you don’t need to micromanage his fathering.

Wife_and_Mama · 2023-01-09T16:32:35+00:00

I met my husband at 27 and married at 29. My twin girls were born when I was 33 and my boy, 35. I'd love one more before my husband hits 40. I don't regret my choices. I'm very happy with my life and being a mother to young children in my 30s. We've had career success to the point that I can stay home with my kids, own our own home, have traveled together a bit, etc.

That being said, my husband and I started trying at 31 and ended up doing IVF when I was 32 and 33 for male factor infertility. There was nothing wrong with me, but the infertility industry is strangely sexist in both directions. They blame the woman by default and often test the man as a last resort and aren't really interested in treating him if he's the source of the problem.

I'm not sorry for how things turned out. I adore my children and they were worth every penny of the $30,000 we spent to get them. If my husband hadn't made a lucky Bitcoin investment, though, they wouldn't exist and we would be running out of time. Unless you have a concrete reason for waiting at 32, I wouldn't recommend it.

Things will probably be fine, but if they're not, you only have so much time to address it. If you're worried, at any point, I absolutely recommend lying about how long you've been trying, because they won't do anything before a year. We had to twist arms to get my husband tested and we were willing to pay for it ourselves. Demand a semen analysis and that they test your AMH levels to determine your egg quality if you find yourself in the position.

OkraGarden · 2023-01-09T11:38:14+00:00

I got married at 21 and we had our oldest at 22. After almost 13 years in what I ended up missing the most were going to restaurants, live music, and vacations. My parents were able to watch the kids for the first few years but eventually got too old to do it (Fallout from my mom putting off childbearing until her 40s - she couldn't be an active grandparent in her 70s).

If your relationship isn't good, make sure your husband is still 100% committed to you before having a kid and intends to do a lot of childcare tasks. The extra work and stress of having a kid, especially if they end up having special needs, is going to further damage a relationship if one or both spouses are the "I'm only doing this until it's not fun anymore" type.

Ksandersontalks · 2023-01-09T20:47:07+00:00

I would go into this with the understanding that when that baby is born it may take a while for your husband to build a bond. Be respectful. You have had 9 months before the baby has come out of bonding. Your husband is starting on day one.

My husband and I have spent pretty much 24/7 together since the day we got together so the transition of a third person that needed my attention was hard for him on top of the guilt that he didn't have the natural bond that I did. I did have to reassure him constantly that it was normal and it would come and I have a natural advantage over him.

In terms of things to do before, I don't see why anything has to stop. We have travelled to over 50 countries as a family. I would just set precedence with the grandparents and get them geared up ready to have a babysitting weekend so you and your husband can have a scheduled romantic weekend. From day one we still went away just the two of us and travelling as a family. Personally, I am a lot more trusting then most people so I did leave her with nannies away but that is a life choice that we made.

I actually feel like sharing the experience of seeing the world for 3 years as a family made it a better experience.

NotoriousJez · 2023-01-09T15:53:20+00:00

I’m not pregnant nor have I had a child but the time when I was nervous I’d be pregnant I really thought about how I wanted to finish college first. I wanted to be settled into a job that I could be happy staying at for the rest of my life. I wanted more time with my boyfriend. We’ve been together a little over 4 months so far and I always wanted to have 2-3 years married before kids come in the picture.

I grew up in a household where I seen the only thing holding the marriage together was the kids. There was no love there and nothing my Dad and Stepmom had in common anymore. I never want that for myself.

Lastly I want 2-3 good best friends. As of rn I don’t really trust anybody or have anyone I’m actually close to other than my boyfriend and it would be nice to have people to share a moment like pregnancy with

LeicaRedEye · 2023-01-09T16:08:23+00:00

We got married when I was 23 and had our baby at 32, by choice. Both of us wanted to be 100% secure, financially and emotionally before a child, and I knew I wanted to stay at home to be a full time parent. I wanted to finish my studies, see where my career was going, save money, enjoy a couple's life, do as much travel and partying (with my husband) as possible. I don't regret anything.

AutoModerator · 2023-01-09T11:26:20+00:00

Title: Is there anything you wish you did in your relationship before falling pregnant?

Full text: So, I’m thinking it may be time to get going. I’m old enough (32), but I’ve only been with my husband for 2.5 years (married for 2).

Our relationship has room for improvement but the clock is ticking and I know he wants a baby. I probably have a few months at most before we get started (which months will include visiting a specialist and also eating right and working out so my body is in a better place).

I wanted to know if there’s anything you did that you’d recommend or you didn’t do and wish you did before falling pregnant. This would include any activities, resolving any specific couple issues, agreeing on certain things beforehand, etc.

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undothatbutton · 2023-01-09T17:45:21+00:00

I had my baby kinda young (got pregnant at 23, gave birth at 24, pregnant again at 25, will give birth at 26) and we didn’t do much special to prepare after getting pregnant (but we had been in individual counseling for our issues related to our own upbringings just for our own mental health, which definitely impacted our readiness for pregnancy/parenting), but I do recommend making sure your relationship issues are ironed out and explicitly discussion all aspects of childcare/home care and your expectations for each other and yourself for your new roles as mom and dad.

There’s a really great baby relationship prep course for new parents developed by Dr. John Gottman, it’s called Bringing Baby Home. It isn’t a baby care course — it’s a course designed to bring your focus to parenting together and working well as a team and keeping the spark in your marriage while transitioning to parenthood. (His marriage counseling is amazing as well, all connection-based and very evidence-based instead of “he said vs. she said” (which is not evidence-based whatsoever.) It’s not even something for “relationship problems” although it can certainly help with that, but just an overall great step for strengthening a marriage. We did Gottman style therapy prior to getting married and I feel like it set us up wonderfully for success, and as a bonus, our counselor was very supportive of our desire for more traditional roles.)) I loved the baby course. It gave us a lot to talk about as we prepared for our new roles. We did it just as I got pregnant but it was on my radar before we TTC, since we’d done the pre-marital counseling.

We also did Kaitlin Klimmer’s Newborn Course (Edit: Oh no! Seems this is no longer supported on her site. Her work is wonderful regardless, but maybe look around for an actual baby care course to give you/husband a realistic picture of caring for a baby if you’re unfamiliar with infants!) which is a wonderful resource for basically all things baby from 0-12 months. (It’s called “Newborn” but it covers up to 12 months!) Her style of parenting is very aligned with ours so I recommend her course to anyone with a more gentle, baby-led approach to parenting. Otherwise though, finding some kind of course or at least a book that covers the *reality of 0-12m would be helpful assuming you/your husband aren’t super familiar with babies. I was an infant nanny for 9 years so I definitely didn’t need it but it really helped show my husband more of what to expect, and he has stepped beautifully into his role and purpose as a father to our son (soon to be sons!)

The only thing I’d say to really dig into is him yelling — that’s not a great habit to have when you have a little one around. Gottman’s marriage counseling actually doesn’t say that type of communicating is bad or wrong, and emphasizes that the repair is much more important. However, with a baby, tensions will naturally be higher, communication will get harder, you will be sleep deprived, you will both feel like things aren’t quite balanced for a while, many couples find themselves bickering more in the early months, and that repair piece may be more difficult to manage. So working on that will probably save you both a lot of stress once baby’s around. (Not to mention raised voices can be scary for an infant or toddler!) Other than that, just obvious prep like finances, health, etc. are my recommendations.

Title	Is there anything you wish you did in your relationship before falling pregnant?
Author	jenna_grows
Upvotes	15
Comments	32
Date	January 9, 2023 11:26 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/107c3wx/is_there_anything_you_wish_you_did_in_your/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/is-there-anything-you-wish-you-did-in-your.1230274 https://theredarchive.com/post/1230274

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