Miserable marriage. Need help getting out

Gattsama · 2023-11-03T04:40:48+00:00

Here's a cut and paste from another post I did. But since you have a prenup you need to refer to that and discuss with an attorney. Good luck:

Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free.

Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash / assets the day before or of filing. The date of filing normally locks in debts and assets. Anything new after that is separate (in most states).

Confirm the no fault conditions for your state. Some states have a 1 year mandatory separation prior to final settlement. However, separation is a legal status not a physical state. You can be separated but live in the same house (eg move into the guest room and put a lock on the door). Since you have kids do NOT leave the house without a court approved / ordered parenting plan in place. That can be seen as abandonment.

Divorce has three parts: communal assets / debts, spousal support and child support. Each of these are calculated separately. You can however use the assets/debts to balance out or in lieu of support. You can NOT normally negotiate child support (as in theory this is for the child).

The child has three parts: custody, residency/visitation and support. Understand that you can get 50/50 custody but that is separate from residency. Most people today are aiming for equal residency as well: 7-7 (7days with mom, then 7days with dad) or 5225 (5 days with A, 2 days with B, 2 days with A, 5 days with B). In some states child support is just a formula, Google for your state.

Your retirement accounts are a community asset. Anything earned during the marriage (what you earned before is normally safe) is 50% hers.

If you want to keep your retirement accounts, then what you have to do is an uneven distribution or buy her out. Ex 1 - you have 100k of assets, 50k debt and 60k of investments. You keep the 60k but now owe her 30k; so you either give her 30k more of assets or you take an extra 30k of debt. Ex 2 - you give her $30k of extra spousal support or cash. Same is true if you want to keep the home.

The house has two parts. Title and mortgage. Changing the name on the title is as simple as a few forms and fees at the court house. The mortgage however can not be changed without refinancing. So again 3 choices: refinance loan, assumption loan or sell the house. If you get a new loan she still has to get her half of the equity. Either you buy her out (cash), an unequal distribution, or roll into spousal support. If you sell the house, again it's a 50/50 spilt or the equity can be use in lieu of.. (aside - in my case we have to sell the house, I plan to use my half of the equity in lieu of support. So just give her a huge ass check and have no spousal support after final settlement and we have no kids).

Check if you can legally record conversions in your state. If so buy, a recorder from Amazon. Record everything, can delete at the end of each day if nothing happens. Document everything, not a diary just your life: picked kids from school, did homework, etc. To show you are a good parent.

Contact an attorney, tell them your concerns and review your case (normally first 1hr consult is free). Do not tell her shit until you are prepared. Ask your attorney what temporary orders can be filed to prevent the kids from crossing state lines, visitation, etc. This also varies state to state.

We don't know you or her. IF you think she will be reasonable. Make the plan, have everything on stand by but before pulling the trigger on temp orders, attorneys and escalation; confront her, and see if she is willing to be reasonable and have an uncontested divorce via mediation. Tell her you have filed and there is no repair. I love you and feel horrible. IF she is feeling guilty and workable might not need the temp orders as these pretty much put an end to mediation. IF you know she's crazy, likely to be crazy or takes the news crazy; those orders need to be done at the time of filing or ready to file is things go side ways.

Beside the excel sheet, make a word document with a master timeline is also good to have. Again, you can do this with Google docs and sheets with your new Gmail account. It's not just that you don't want her to see this stuff it's that you want to create a new separate life & systems.

All assets and debts from the time you marry until you file are communal. She opened a credit card in her name, it's got 50k on it. That's half your debt. After you file everything is no longer communal. So right after you file you want your check to be direct deposit to your new account. You can transfer to the joint account as needed to cover bills and expenses. Pay for everything that is you from your account, do not use communal assets. You want to stop co-mingling asap after filing. Again, close all joint accounts just prior to filing. Leave 50% cash in joint checking (aside - my STBX maxed out the joint VISA +$9.5k, took a $7500 cashiers check from the joint checking account, maxed out personal line of credit [zero balance when I filed, now over drawn at +$20k]).

Spousal support alimony varies a lot from state to state. In CA after 10 years there is the possibility of life long alimony!! I'm in WA and that's not on the table until >25 years. Many states have caps on length and amounts, some work to make everything equal. But remember child support is totally separate. Many men can easily find they have to sign over >50% of their net take home. Google for your state and check with attorney.

I can not stress enough that your lawyer can NOT do anything to change the system. They are not your friend or therapist. The only thing you need to discuss is the case. YOU need to read everything you can about the laws in your state, they will not do the heavy lifting for you. If you can do mediation and get it done (even if you have to give up some extra cash) do it! This BS can get really expensive really fast, but you will get the exact same deal at the end anyway. It's more about staying power. A lot guys get crap deals because they give up and quit/settle; or just run of out money to keep fighting.

Good luck out there...

upvotersfortruth · 2023-11-03T09:46:51+00:00

We have tried couple's counseling but my wife seems to believe that all of the problems are because of me and she now doesn't attend the sessions because she says I should be "medicated" or "fix myself".

You will find (or perhaps avoid having to find), that even if you do "fix yourself" there will be no appreciation or acknowledgement of it and it won't help the relationship one iota.

Not sure your prenup will hold up on the alimony end, so don't put too much faith or expectation in that - but talk with your lawyer. With regard to assets, better chances.

Change all your passwords and log out of shared devices.
Secure all your and your kids important personal documents.
Take not less than your share of the cash out of any joint accounts.
Create a secure space within your home that only you can access.
Consult a lawyer on your options.
Don't have "the talk", preferably ever, but certainly not until you've filed and are ready to have her served.
Make any moves quietly and avoid conflict, leave the house if you have to for a few hours.

Ever-learning271 · 2023-11-03T12:38:44+00:00

Sorry to hear you are going through this difficult time brother; best advice is to not tell her a thing of your plans, talk to a lawyer (don’t hire yet), consult with the lawyers you don’t want her to get (if you do this she can’t hire them), then figure out your strategy. Don’t leave your home if you want it, stand your ground and don’t complicate things…fight for the kids or keep it 50/50 at least (helps with child support costs)…Good Luck❤️‍🩹

capitalawesome2016 · 2023-11-03T10:29:35+00:00

The yelling and arguing is awful for the kids. Tell her you don't want to argue or yell anymore and if discussions get too tense say something like "I'm feeling flooded right now, I need a 5 minute break." And if she keeps arguing turn your back and walk away, leave the room if necessary.

If discussions can be done over text message that would prevent yelling, and also everything would be documented over text. If she starts an argument, don't engage her.

If you don't think she will agree to 50/50, things could get nasty during the divorce.

Make an effort to address her concerns even if she shows no appreciation initially, give it 6 months. Do some nice things for her. It's possible for things to turn around but it takes time.

pk2at · 2023-11-03T23:24:48+00:00

If you are in Santa Clara county, you need just one signature from your wife to e-file for legal separation. The form has an option saying each spouse is awarded the asset they currently control. Therefore you will get all rental properties and any financial account in your name. Another idea is to take a home equity loan and transfer the loan amount to a solely owned bank account.

Just get her to sign the form and e-file (no court appearance necessary) and continue to co-habit as a married couple. If she files for divorce, use the legal separation as the basis.

A court approved legal separation is 100 times better than any prenup you may have. No lawyer will tell this to you as its huge loss of business to them

captainchippsixx · 2023-11-04T22:35:09+00:00

Lawyer. With prenup, property, etc. pay the lawyer.

Yeah my mom said the same shit about my dad. They both had their issues but it turned out my mom had a baseball sized tumor in her head ( found when she was 70). The moral of the story is I feel anyone that says someone else should be medicated- it’s the person that say it that needs it.

Title	Miserable marriage. Need help getting out
Author	Daaad3x
Upvotes	13
Comments	9
Date	November 3, 2023 4:36 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/17mn36u/miserable_marriage_need_help_getting_out/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/miserable-marriage-need-help-getting-out.1237206 https://theredarchive.com/post/1237206

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