In pieces

Solid_Exercise6697 · 2024-01-01T01:13:06+00:00

Build up those walls. People always talk about the importance of taking down their emotional walls, but rarely do people talk about the positives of emotional walls. We build walls to protect ourselves, our emotions and our mental well being. A lot of people think you build walls subconsciously but you can definitely build them consciously.

The most effective method for me to build walls to get past this very difficult point in my life is to talk to myself about it and out loud. “She doesn’t love you”, “she doesn’t care about you, you shouldn’t care about her”, “you are better then her, you don’t need her, life will go on”, “if she cared about you, she wouldn’t be doing this”, “you can do this, you can get past this”.

Honestly just saying those things out loud when I’m feeling really low helps me get through. The more times I get to through the lows, the easier it gets. Stewart Smalley was absolutely right: “You’re good enough, you’re smart enough and gosh darn it people like you!”.

bungleweed · 2023-12-31T22:59:12+00:00

Well….this has happened to a lot of us here. Blindsided and all the rest of it. Just a heads up I’d be surprised if there wasn’t someone else in the picture. Women don’t tend to just blow up a good relationship unless they’ve got something else lined up and think the grass is greener elsewhere.

You need to focus on your child, do all things a great Dad should do even if you don’t feel like doing them. This is so important. You want to look back and try and be proud of how you held it together for your child. As for dealing with your ex, well you have to co-parent and it’s best to be amicable of course. I think grayrock is a good approach here. You can’t do no contact as you have a child so this is the 2nd best thing for you. Keep chat focussed on your child’s needs, logistics that sort of thing. Don’t be dragged into chatting off topic, she’ll go there so don’t be drawn in.

Also sounds like you need to sort out finances etc too? So you need some focus there too even if you don’t see the point right now. If not you’ll regret it later down the line when you’re feeling more yourself.

So double down on being Dad, sorting finances, work on yourself and grayrock the f*ck out of her. This is solid advice from someone that’s been there.

WildernessHuntin · 2023-12-31T21:42:04+00:00

I often felt the same way in the beginning, interaction making it feel like you are cracking open emotions and losing strength. As a direct answer what helped me was to decide immediately if it needed a response right now, this minute. If not I would wait a minimum of 2 hours to respond. If you’re feeling unsettled, go for a walk, run, exercise before responding. Then I never responded in kind to what I considered off the wall things. Hope you are doing well etc. A few hours later I politely said “thanks” or gave a thumbs up emoji out of sheer politeness only. We aren’t friends we are co parents. Be polite but don’t engage basically. The exception being necessary (emphasis on necessary) conversations about kids. Then be polite and civil and say the minimum necessary. This and a year of time has really worked for me and makes me feel in control of my emotions.

Taking a “time out” before you respond will prevent you from saying something that you will later either regret or will make you feel like you lost your equanimity, which you will also regret. Good luck, it gets easier.

trailhopper999 · 2023-12-31T16:54:13+00:00

This forum recommended “gray rocking”. From there, I realized behaviors related to “cluster B personalities”. It wasn’t easy, but it worked over time. At least it forced her to completely fabricate her narrative as opposed to twisting meanings and words that I said in response to her abuse. I can only control my reactions, not her behavior.

Left-Signature-5250 · 2023-12-31T12:44:40+00:00

Same exact story. Nothing happened really, had a stressful year but no major differences. No cheating, no drugs, no violence, just mundane, boring life, lots of work and two small children who are absolute sweethearts but of course work and stress. They were 5 and 7.

She also just decided to be "not happy anymore" and left with the kids. Moved in with her "new" boyfriend (suspect affair partner) two hours away - with the kids. I pay child support through the nose and my financial security, that I worked so hard for, evaporated.

This was exactly one year ago, shortly before Christmas.

I was doing my very best to keep the anger down and be as civil and cordial as I could. Sometimes I was successful, sometimes not. Most often I did not say a word when we exchanged the kids - I have them every two weekends.

One year later the anger has somewhat let up. I still would not piss in hear ear if her brain was on fire, but it somehow got easier to say "hello" and "goodbye".

I would say it is all about time. Just try your best and do not get mad at yourself in case you just can't keep your anger to yourself. What she did is inexcusable - selfish and iloyal and can probably never be excused or even understood. She just destroyed a man's plan and life, financially and emotionally - and for what? Because she felt like it and thought the grass was greener instead od trying to figure a few minor things out together.

Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself if it all gets overwhelming. It will get better, all it really takes is time.

BTW: Contrary to the usual advice here I got a girlfriend pretty early on. We are still together and she helps me tremedously to see how sweet, thoughtful and loyal a partner can be.

Particular_Car7127 · 2023-12-31T12:36:56+00:00

You have to come to an understanding of female nature, my friend. Women are not self sacrificing like you in a relationship. When women are bored and unhappy, unstimulated, they leave for the next thing. The woman divorcing you is not the same woman you married, you need to understand this! Grieve over the break up, and gear up for the fight. She is emotionally manipulative, do not allow her the headspace. Be logical and rational, and protect you and your daughter at all times.

Title	In pieces
Author	StraightPlum1
Upvotes	15
Comments	17
Date	December 31, 2023 11:53 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/18v69qi/in_pieces/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/in-pieces.1241950 https://theredarchive.com/post/1241950

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