Hello, I've been lurking around these parts for a while now, just reading some of the situations that others are in, and I feel I need to share my situation to see what other guys going through it might recommend, or maybe just get some validation that I'm doing the right thing...

For starters, I'm 35m, my STBXW is 32f. We've known each other since we were little kids in daycare together. We went to the same schools and had several classes together in high school. Hell, we grew up two minutes walking from each other. We were raised in vastly different households with near polar opposite examples of what a marriage should be. My parents were loving, they were in love with each other, and they were a team. Her parents on the other hand... They hated each other, but divorce was too costly for them so they resigned to living in the same house, but never being a couple in anything other than name. When I say that they are the poster couple for divorce, I mean it. Christmas dinner at their house was filled with screaming and shouting at the dinner table. As I said, very different examples of marriage.

We've been married for the last six years but been together for almost thirteen now. We have no children. We have a house together, a cat, and a dog. Since the beginning of our relationship, we've always believed in keeping things separate, especially finances. She has her bank accounts for savings and checking, I have mine, and we share a joint account that is used to pay all bills, taxes, and home/auto-related expenses.

Around seven years ago, we went through absolute hell for two years straight when we lost a total of fifteen family members within that period. These losses were started by her grandparents who helped raise her. At the tail end of those two years, which also surrounded our wedding, was my mother's passing after her chemo stopped working after almost four years fighting pancreatic cancer.

For the last seven years, things between my STBXW and I have never been the same as they were. With all of the heavy losses of family and friends during that time, we just never were able to get back to us. There were so many other things that took priority, and we both buried ourselves in work and other distractions to try and cope with the sadness. Eventually, we got through it, but things were never the same for us.

Around Thanksgiving (US) of 2022, we were sitting on the couch together, watching TV and having a few drinks. We started talking and before I knew it, we were both openly admitting that neither of us was happy in our marriage, but we weren't unhappy either. At least not to the point of hating or resenting each other like her parents. So, we pushed through the uneasiness and kept talking. We worked it out that it had been about seven years that we hadn't felt like we did for the first half of our relationship. There was brief talk about trying to do what we could to fix things, to try and get back to what we were, but at that point, I fear the toothpaste was already out of the tube.

The more we talked about things, the more we started to agree that things between us were strained. Fast forward several weeks to Christmas night, and we're getting ready to go to bed. She asked me point blank if she and I were OK, and I told her I didn't think that we were. For seven years we'd gone through the motions. Wake up, work, do chores, take care of the pets, sleep, repeat. Day after day we did this, for seven years. Our intimacy went through the floor, and our dead bedroom became a long-forgotten tomb. I know there was one year where were intimate with each other a total of one time the entire year. As we discussed these things, it occurred to me that there had been several days where we didn't even kiss. We both work from home, and you'd think this is something that can easily be done, yet there were several days where we didn't. Hell, even New Year's it was a quick peck on the lips and then "OK, time for bed."

During our talk on Christmas, we both openly stated that for a long time, it felt more like we were best friends who were roommates. There's familiarity and comfortableness between us, and yes we still love and care for each other. We share a house, share a bed, but we're not a couple. The few times that we've tried to be intimate with each other in the last few months, it's just felt off. Like yes, there's this person here that I can physically touch, kiss, and hold, but there's no passion. There's no fire. There's no spark or connection there anymore, and for me, it wreaks havoc on my mental state while trying to have any bit of physical intimacy. It's like being with a stranger, but one you've known for your entire life.

There's no hatred or animosity between us. We're not yelling and fighting every day. We're still very civil with each other. But you can feel that there's a sense of sadness in the house.

For a while now, I've realized that the pets are the reason that we're still together. They are my world, and if she was indifferent towards them, it would be so incredibly easy to tell her I was leaving and taking them with me. But she loves them, and they love her. It's almost impossible for me to think of shaking up their world so much at their older age (we've had the pup for the last 8-9 years, and the cat for the last 10, and both ages were unknown at the time we got them) by taking them away from her, or even trying to share custody of them.

So, here's where I am at with all of this...

For the sake of my mental health, and to figure out what I need to be happy again, I know that I need to go. I don't want to wake up one day and despise or hate her. I don't ever want to get to the point where I can't stand the thought of her. I know that I need to go.

I've been drafting up a proposal to give her at the time of asking for the divorce. One that would be a clean break completely. Our finances have always been separated while sharing a joint account for bill payments. So, simply put what's hers is hers, and what's mine is mine. There are no joint retirement accounts, investments, or stocks that would need to be split. What's in her name stays hers, what's in mine, stays mine.

As for the house... If she told me she felt she could afford it on her own (the mortgage is about $1050/month), then I'd sign over the house to her completely and I'd move out within 90 days. However, if she felt she couldn't afford it, or didn't want it, then I'd work with her to get it ready for selling. We'd put it on the market and then if there was any money made from the sale, we'd pay off our small loan, and all remaining money, if any, would be split 50/50.

I've made a list of all the things I intend to take from the house, primarily my home office contents, all of which I bought and she doesn't ever use, some family heirlooms, clothing, and my guns. I went into this with "What do I absolutely HAVE to take with me, and what can be replaced quickly through Amazon", and I've already got a list of those items.

There are some other things there, like offering to assist with yardwork if asked, or things around the house should she opt to keep the house. I haven't put anything there to offer money, or financial assistance in any way. I figure that if we're splitting and she keeps the house, her bills will be a hell of a lot lower than mine just due to cost of rent where I'm at.

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So, now I turn to you wonderful gents here... What do you think? Am I offering up too much? Am I setting myself up to get railroaded? Suggestions? Advice? Questions? Or even "Did you think about..."? I'm glad this community is here... You all seem like a great lot!