Any tips on maintaining a "Friends with benefits" situation?

sockthepuppetry · 2010-09-16T21:29:08+00:00

[permanently deleted]

offshore_coppertop · 2010-09-16T22:49:23+00:00

Well, let's see... I've been in this situation many times and it's actually worked out pretty well -- I'm still friendly with a majority of my former FWB's, but it's sorta like a male orgasm -- there's a lot of buildup, it feels great for both of you, you're working that edge, keeping it going as best you can, then there's an explosion, then you need some cooling off time before you can have any more interaction. The slower you take it, the longer it lasts.

Over the course of my dating life, I've found that the best way to maintain these arrangements is with low interaction frequency; if you see the same woman three times a week for a hookup situation ... dude, your ship is sunk. That's a relationship. Period.

My litmus test: if my FWB bumps into me in a social setting and is upset that I'm talking to another HB, we're in too deep for a FWB arrangement.

This is very easy to avoid by only seeing her once every few weeks. If you hook up with a FWB every 3-6 weeks, and she happens to bump into you on an off week, at your local lair, running another frame, she's going to be all "game on" and trying to get your attention -- which will, of course, just add fuel to the fire, and you pretty much have your choice that night -- HB or FWB. (*Note: if you ditch your FWB and nail the HB, you will likely lose the FWB. Best course of action is to number close the HB, feign another commitment, but tell your FWB to meet you at the venue change later -- then tag her that night, and follow up with the HB a day later.)

But getting back to the original question, I've been able to maintain this arrangement for long periods of time, but that involved copious amounts of travel (for business and pleasure) and lots of commitments without any viable communication (like offshore sailboat racing). Here's why: There are distancers and there are followers. And if you're distancing, she will be following. If you're hitting that three times a week, she's likely to either (a) develop feelings and pressure you into a relationship, or (b) become the distancer, which makes you the follower, and *whoomp* you're done.

"So how do I get enough sex to satisfy my drive?" you ask... well, you need to have multiple FWB's. That simple. If you drive one sports car every single day to work, it's going to break down. If you have ten that you alternate between, they'll all last longer and you'll have a much richer experience.

Which brings me to my actual advice: after 20+ years of going at it, I can tell you that this is a difficult thing to maintain, and I've never been very good at separating sex and emotion (so I end up falling for her most times); the key is communication, and if you start falling for her, or she you, you need to have that discussion right fucking then, to avoid people's feelings getting trampled.

I hope it works out for both of you.

sitting-duck · 2010-09-16T21:21:52+00:00

Get it in writing and have your lawyer approve it!

MrRisky · 2010-09-16T23:22:31+00:00

You can't maintain that shit. Entropy. It all falls apart in the end. Keep game up, keep her jealous, keep the sex hot and aggressive.

You've got to be like Slim Pickins in Dr. Strangelove. Ride that glorious bastard all the way to the ground, knowing that when you do, she's going to blow.

Dario_Sluthammer · 2010-09-16T23:39:49+00:00

A friendship with benefits will resemble a friendship for as long as a tree on fire resembles a tree.

alexryane · 2010-09-17T10:01:26+00:00

There are two types of friends-with-benefits relationships:

She knows and accepts that you two are just friends with benefits
She doesn't and constantly wonders if its going anywhere

2's are the most common and can last for a few months if done properly. 1's are rare and usually the type of girl will be mature and confident about her sexuality. Look for 1's in the swinging/sex-club/fetish scene, but, you'll find quality 1's are lacking!

im_a_walrus_B · 2010-09-17T01:37:28+00:00

Dont get all relationshipy. Dont lose frame control. If you lose it do it graciously and gracefully. Then regain it. Bring value. SUB-communicate constant scarcity. DO NOT GET NEEDY like youre doing right now. Keep gaming other girls - not to get laid but to keep sharp and keep your edge. Always approach her - as if you "dont have her" and still trying to seduce her. Be fun at all times (especially at the more serious romantic situations). Do not allow romantic inertia to drive the moment YOURE IN CHARGE. If you get all cuddly and super romantic you'll be making steps towards relationship.

EDIT: note she might stop liking it, and will test you, and will want more, or want a relationship, she may do it by letting you know that there are other dudes in her life etc. its best to not let it bother you at all but if thats impossible next best thing is to NOT SHOW it does, thats where constant gaming comes in.

wmleler · 2010-11-06T21:49:36+00:00

I've had a number of FWB relationships in my life (several dozen), and some have lasted far longer than any regular romantic relationships. Some started as regular relationships, which didn't work out, but we still wanted to have sex occasionally. Some just started as a wild attraction toward each other and went from there. Some have been long distance, some were living in the same house. Some lasted a few months, some decades. Some converted into primary relationships, some converted into friendships, only a very small number have ended with us not continuing some kind of friendship. Hard to generalize.

One FWB relationship lasted over 20 years, and I'm still friends with her (and her husband and family). Another lasted 14 years, and only ended when we mutually decided to try to have a primary relationship, which did not work out. Oh well.

From my experiences, here are things that are important:

A) make sure you really are friends first. If you didn't have sex with this person, would you still be friends with them and hang out with them? Do you enjoy hanging out with this person, even if you don't have sex with them? If you don't have any friends of the opposite sex that you haven't slept with, that is a bad sign. If you don't remain friends with women you have broken up with, that is a bad sign.

B) constant and open communication. If there is anything you would tell a close confidante, but you can't tell your FWB because you are having sex with them, that is a bad sign. When I've had more than one FWB, they all knew about each other and were ok. Sometimes they even compared notes!

C) don't frickin' worry about what society thinks always happens to FWB relationships. Stay in the moment. Enjoy what you have. It may end. So what? Many relationships end -- is that a reason to never be in one?

D) Do you actually care about this person? I've have FWB relationships where I have introduced them to someone that I knew they would fall in love with, even though I knew it would end the benefits part. Would you? Someone else says that if you ditch your FWB to score with a HB, you will lose the FWB, but I've had more than one FWB actually help me hook up with that HB, like any good friend would do.

In the end, I married a wonderful woman who is not ok with me having sex with others, and I accept that. But I'm still friends with most of these women, and my wife has become friends with them. We have both stayed with them while traveling, they have stayed at our house when they have traveled here. We have taken trips together, and done other things friends do. My wife knows I used to have sex with them. It is about trust. I've also become friends with men that she had sex with before we started a relationship. I do miss having sex with other women, but the marriage and relationship are far more important to me. Besides, the older you get, the less important it becomes to have lots of sex partners, and the more important it becomes to have good friends and to be a good friend (and to have one person you love above all others).

One last thing. It may be difficult to separate sex and love, but it is easier to realize that even though you may have feeling of affection/love/attraction for someone, that they may not a person with whom you want to be in a primary relationship. The first few FWB relationships I had were with women where we had tried to have a regular relationship but it failed for one reason or another. We were still friends, so having sex without wanting more or wondering "what if" was easier to deal with.

2010-09-16T22:48:44+00:00

If you don't get attached, she will. Don't see her more than twice a month, otherwise it will turn into a relationship pretty fast.

sockthepuppetry · 2010-09-16T21:39:02+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	Any tips on maintaining a "Friends with benefits" situation?
Author	m4gnificent_b4st4rd
Upvotes	7
Comments	25
Date	September 16, 2010 8:44 PM UTC (15 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/devo9/any_tips_on_maintaining_a_friends_with_benefits/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/any-tips-on-maintaining-a-friends-with-benefits.1311802 https://theredarchive.com/post/1311802

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