Is being easy-going attractive?

raidecenter · 2013-09-17T06:13:37+00:00

[permanently deleted]

donit · 2013-09-17T06:40:49+00:00

I was once on a first date, and we were sitting at a bar talking with another couple. Well, the guy is a real joker, telling stories and jokes and next thing you know he makes one about me, belittling me. Well, the old me would have tried to laugh it off and hope he doesn't do it again, which...we all know how that movie ends. And I was thinking I can't just let it go and have this woman I just went to all the trouble of picking up look down at me, and invite more abuse by staying quiet.

So, the grownup me lit into him and chewed him out.

I began "I like you, you're a funny guy...but sometimes the jokes are kind of insulting, and I know you don't mean it that way. But you can't just go around belittling people like that, it rubs them the wrong way. He apologised and straightened up. Now, if he had had a couple of buddies snickering in the background, it would have been more difficult calling him out, but you gotta do it. I think some bullies don't realize they are doing it, and so if more people would call attention to what they are doing and explain it to them in friendly but firm manner, in a way that allows them to save face, they will learn that it's not funny and the only laughter and grins they get are nervous laughter and sheepish grins.

JPA9919 · 2013-09-17T10:53:35+00:00

Hug them and tell them you forgive them. Gandhi style

Setsa · 2013-09-17T06:17:16+00:00

If someone says something that demerits you, brush it off by agreeing and amplifying the statement. Generally, it will get you a laugh and give off a idgaf attitude.

To answer the question about being easy-going: it depends. If it is mild then it is best to agree and amplify. If it is a topic with depth, then actually talking things out and debating your point of view in a calm and civilized manner can work wonders, especially if you talk well.

Do not feel as if you have to compromise something you really believe in just because a random person puts it down. Standing your ground is one of the most attractive things men and women can do.

croga · 2013-09-17T12:18:13+00:00

For petty shit or casual ribbing, "Well that's just, like, your opinion, man." Comparing yourself to The Dude can work well.

Also, as has already been said, agree and amplify works well to blow their opinion out of context and highlight the fact that they're really the one being judgmental.

If they're really being outlandish, something like, "and here I thought you were a nice guy/girl" or "new low, everyone" or "clever girl" (likening them to a Jurassic Park velociraptor, of course) can work well.

Seems everybody here assumes it's an AMOG coming at you with the criticism/conflict but it's a totally different story if this is coming from someone you're trying to seduce. Usually, if she's still talking to you at all and you're not getting the evil-eye from her and all her friends I take it to mean she wants an escalation, in which case take your negs to the max and see what happens!

L1AM · 2013-09-17T06:11:55+00:00

I, too, have been thinking about these things recently. It occurred to me that the AMOG-handling tactics could work even in situations where they aren't necessarily AMOG to start. The problem is, though, I honestly don't know any good ways to deal with these guys.

Jatacid · 2013-09-17T07:22:06+00:00

Probably need some examples for this.

Casual teasing amongst friends you should do the 'agree&amplify' thing. It shows assurety and confidence.
Starting actual conflict. This is where we need examples. Are you being bullied? Or are you on the fence of a social group? What exactly are you trying to accomplish? Stand up for yourself but don't do it in a way which makes you seem like you cant take a joke. Self confidence is important. but yeah, hard without examples.
Easy going. If people are asking your idea for suggestions or opinions in an argument or decision making then it's important to state your opinion, have an opinion, but in an open ended manner. If you want to be easy going, attractive, but still sure of yourself you could say something like 'I think the movies would be great right now, but i'm up for anything really'. Have a personality, but don't force it upon people. Or if someone likes a different political party you can state your opinion, but use 'i think' lots..if that makes sense. It allows the other person to chime in and yet you keep your identity and not just be 'too easy going' which is unattractive

nobody2000 · 2013-09-17T13:36:28+00:00

I believe there is a fine line between "easy going" and "being a pushover."

Years ago, this one dude had a very short temper. As a result, everyone was uneasy around him except for his good friends. I was merely an acquaintance.

At a party, he was stone cold sober, and looked depressed - the soccer team won Sectionals and he was benched all game that night.

I congratulate him, not knowing his circumstances, and he looks at me and tells me he didn't play. I apologize.

An hour later, I'm shooting the shit with him and he looks me in the eye and says:

"What would you do if I just beat the shit out of you right now?"

Now, there are two ways to go about this while still being easy going. I'll tell you what I did, and then I'll tell you what I should have done:

What I did: "I'd ask you to not do that." He replied "I really want to kick your ass right now." And so I calmly asked him not to, and told him it was a bad idea.
What I should have done: Loudly gone "OH MY GOD, FINE, BUT NOT IN THE FACE!!!" and then protected my head with my arms. It would have not only kept me safe (I was well enough liked that someone would have pulled him off of me after hearing my funny cry for help), but it would have been a funny, fun way of diffusing a situation.

It turns out he was just fucking with me, and he would never beat the shit out of anyone unless they were deliberately fucking with him. When he finally told me he was fucking with me, I guess everyone had eyes on me, and had a good laugh about it. I looked like a passive, but "easy going" pushover, when I could have handled it much better.

We had a good laugh, but I still never liked the kid. He was the type of kid who would watch "American History X" for the first 30 minutes, and not the last...Cheers during the curb stomping.

itsmevichet · 2013-09-17T15:11:00+00:00

You're going to have to make a distinction here.

I say that "being easy-going" means you prioritize in life - you know what matters and what doesn't.

If something doesn't matter, like people being dicks to you now and again without actually being able to affect your life or your happiness, you don't pay it the attention that you would to things that do matter. You drop those people like a sack of bricks and move on. The things that matter are your passions, your true friends, the things that make you wake up every morning and want to actually get things done.

That is always attractive (to sane people), and more importantly it will keep you happy.

Now, if you're using "avoiding conflict" as your definition of easy-going, you'll run into problems. Avoiding conflict means not having the conversations you need to have, not standing up for yourself, being afraid to ruffle feathers because you think it will disrupt the status quo. I don't consider that "easy-going" as much as I consider it spineless.

Easy-going people don't let adversity affect them. They have faith that their course of action will give them the best chances for success in whatever they do.

Spineless people pretend that adversity doesn't affect them, because they're afraid of standing up for themselves.

Now that that's out of the way, how do deal with people being dicks to you in such a way that you feel the need to save face:

Are they actually disrespecting you? If so, fuck 'em. Get new friends. No one should have to deal with friends who don't respect them.
Flip-side to that - earn people's respect through your own actions and personality. Dump the people who bring negativity, nurture the people who bring positivity.
The best fights are the ones you don't even need to have because everyone else already understands that the situation will be just as dangerous for them, socially or otherwise. You have to be the guy that other guys are thinking "I can't get away with the flak I'll catch for starting shit with this dude." No one ever starts a fight with someone higher value than themselves, except out of desperation or drunkenness.

I played real rough with my brothers growing up, being the runt of the bunch, and one thing that I learned is that knowing how to take a punch square in the jaw without crying about it (it fuckin' hurts, but you don't have to be dramatic) is a huge boost in confidence. Having that attitude where you're not afraid to be hit definitely affects how you carry yourself in these situations.

I doubt you're even worried about that - 99 percent of the time, neither am I. That's not the point, though. The confidence, for me, comes from being in a place where I know in my bones that no one can walk all over me, socially or otherwise.

One last thing: there's a subtle difference between knowing you'd be okay in a fight, and being the kind of guy who starts shit cause he has something to prove. Be the former and not the latter.

Mister__S · 2013-09-17T06:05:52+00:00

OP, I too am easy going.

If someone turns hostile to that extent, I just turn my back to them.

Ignoring someone when they are trying to insult you, is the best weapon you can use, as it only infuriates them

rondeline · 2013-09-17T13:57:44+00:00

Generally once someone steps into trying to cause disrespect, I turn on the ignore button. Usually a clear "cool man" is enough I'd they keep pressing me...and then a massive backhand to the face if they take it further. I haven't had to do a backhand.

know_comment · 2013-09-17T14:22:55+00:00

At the end of the night, the dudes who came to the bar looking to score have had too much to drink and are getting pissy. This is when they start looking for fights.

I find that most guys can be shifted easily with a smile and some joking around. This is also the time of night when these dudes are looking to get drunker and aren't worried about how much money they're spending, so if you friend them up, they'll buy you drinks.

You just have to watch out for the sociopaths and the guys looking to prove something to a girl. Defend yourself graciously and walk away.

jrl999 · 2013-09-17T14:43:00+00:00

Just ask yourself, what would Mcconaughey do?

eelnayr_ · 2013-09-18T00:45:25+00:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsC0HBYWD1M Watch this for you're answer

2014-02-07T14:05:32+00:00

If insulted, ask calm and dry... "What's your problem?" or respond... "Cut it!" be assertive and don't lose your temper. If they go on a loop with the insult... After two or three repeats of the above... "Oh, you're an idiot." and ignore them.

If people tease you, tease them back... And take it easy, they are not trying to aggress you (most of the time).

LadyTaster69 · 2013-09-17T10:38:09+00:00

I had a guy step up to me but very awkwardly. He literally fell onto me while I was dancing and then spent the next 5 minutes standing next to me and giving me the stink-eye. Finally he came up to me and said some shit like "I wanna kill you" (seriously). My first reaction was anger, but I quickly brushed it off, leaned in and said, "You can either hate me or learn from me. I don't really care." I don't remember him after that.

The way I see it, there's not much a stranger—someone who I don't know and don't care about—can say to piss me off. I think easy going but without taking any crap is a good balance. As for more passive-aggressive stuff from friends, laugh it off and let it slide.

Title	Is being easy-going attractive?
Author	auradog
Upvotes	93
Comments	33
Date	September 17, 2013 5:04 AM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1mjyyt/is_being_easygoing_attractive/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/is-being-easy-going-attractive.1358555 https://theredarchive.com/post/1358555

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