Often after a one night stand, I feel like I did a bad thing? I don't understand

spaceclown · 2014-01-02T04:56:53+00:00

I've experienced this too, but I have a different take on it than some of the other comments that have been posted on here.

Especially when starting out on this journey of self-improvement, we can put too much emphasis on getting laid as a measure of success. Getting laid is great and it should be something to strive for if that's what you want, but using it as a measure of success means that you're investing a chunk of your self-worth in it. So when you go out at night and meet some girls that you're attracted to, you end up viewing your night as a performance that you have to live up to, where if you don't get laid then you lose that security in your identity. This performance mindset, I think, only serves to reinforce a feeling of guilt and shame even when you do get laid. If you do get laid, the feeling is kind of like this: is this it? Is this the end goal of my journey of self-improvement, where I have to keep up a certain performance every night that will measure my self-worth?

To say it differently, trying to overly 'game' a girl puts you in a negative thought cycle that results in a lot of the shame and guilt you're experiencing. Obsessing over using techniques and strategies (bullshit like negging or using lines or trying to act disinterested or playing hard to get) will always serve to reinforce the idea that you must win over a girl, and not that you can live a bold life that is true to your passions and values and have whatever kind of sex or meaningful relationships through a genuine and honest (yet still assertive and strong) persona. In other words, it feeds the idea that your value comes from using insincere strategies designed to play-act a character you think girls will like and not from what you actually are. This mindset is extremely needy, and is the opposite of true confidence. It can only ever leave you feeling like shit, since deep down you'll know every girl you do sleep with will only like you for the bullshit persona you put up.

the chase has become more fun than the sex itself.

A clear indicator that you're deriving your self-worth from whether or not you get the girl you're chasing, so much so that the validation you get from "winning" the prize outweighs the actual physical enjoyment of sex. Sorry for the novel, this post just hit really close to home. Hope this helps.

kingcal · 2014-01-02T03:53:31+00:00

Sounds like deep down you're legitimately unhappy. You're chasing women because it feels good for a moment, but in the end, even when you succeed with women, you're not happy, because whatever you lack isn't there. I'm not saying you need to date women the old-fashioned way. Shit, you probably shouldn't date anyone. At least not until you find the reason you're so fundamentally unhappy.

StupidWes · 2014-01-02T07:37:42+00:00

It sounds like you're filling an emotional hole of some sort with one night stands to me, so when they're over, you're back to square one. I'd personally do a little soul searching. Are you happy with your life otherwise?

AlphaKenny-1 · 2014-01-01T23:46:51+00:00

I struggle with this on occasion too. Sometimes I feel undeserving of any of my success or improvement, not just when it comes to pickup. I've always had issues with confidence and self esteem so I kinda always credit it to some of those lingering thoughts. I'd like to hear some other theories though

distrctyourself · 2014-01-02T00:12:47+00:00

just means you're not a complete scum bag and you're at least subconsciously looking for something more than an ONS and that's nothing to be ashamed of!

sedditforthewin · 2014-01-02T00:40:12+00:00

It's probably just sleep deprivation, I've felt like that before and I just needed a nap because the girl sleeps on a twin.

2014-01-02T01:43:17+00:00

Think about how much she enjoyed the encounter and the relationship it may facilitate. You did both her and yourself a favor!

NoBullshitMachine · 2014-01-02T02:46:32+00:00

Ask yourself what you really want.

Do you want one night stands? Remember, there's nothing inherently wrong with having a one night stand. The girl often wants that just as much as you do. As long as your not leading the girl on, don't feel bad.

Do you want a girl you can have a connection with, but still see other people and avoid the trappings of monogamous relationships? There are lots of girls out there that are up for that, as long as your honest.

Do you really just want a gf? That's fine too. Its about you.

What do YOU want?

leodoestheopposite · 2014-01-02T03:39:10+00:00

My philosophy has always been that if she was good enough for one night, why not go back for more? I am not saying marry her, but with time sex between two consenting adults gets better and better, they get more comfortable with each other, to try new things and push the envelope further and further; hence no more one night stands, but.. relationships, albeit short ones.

moyno85 · 2014-01-02T10:59:14+00:00

I'd say it's a mixture of three things:

Guilt in that you are probably inherently a nice guy and society makes you feel you have tricked or swindled this woman by sleeping with her outside of a relationship.

Alcohol-induced hangover anxiety - I've been reading up on all the messed up stuff binge drinking does to the body and it's explained so much about how I've felt the past 10 years... Alcohol depletes the adrenal glands which basically puts your body into a state of mild shock. This means you are basically running on a release of the bodies backup system: cortisol - a stress hormone. This creates anxiety.

Third is probably just sleep deprivation. Alcohol/stimulants affect your ability to achieve REM sleep so even if you did somehow manage to grab 8-9 hours it was probably shitty sleep at a weird time which is also messing with your body clock.

All in all, big nights out are bad news for your brain the next day. Nothing you didn't know already...

winningTheInterview · 2014-01-02T18:55:21+00:00

This could be internalized social demonization of sex. You know slut-shaming? Society does it with men as well as women.

WilliamII · 2014-01-03T10:11:36+00:00

I think you may feel this way because you are judging your value/self-worth as a man based on the women you pursue.

That's what it sounds like to me... but maybe I'm just projecting my problem on you.

OrangeCantRhyme · 2014-01-02T07:46:41+00:00

I agree with a lot of the thoughts about confidence issues, but it also might be having negative views about hooking up and sex.

Speaking from my experiences, in the past (when I sucked with girls) I always viewed hooking up with a lot of jealousy and (therefore) disgust. This mindset got very ingrained into me, so at first I felt really dirty and unclean for even just hitting on girls. As I got more experience its gotten better, but still it creeps up on me from time to time. Just more limiting beliefs...

flexy98 · 2014-01-02T08:59:07+00:00

I know a lot of guys aren't going to like my 2 cents but here it is anyways.

You know why you feel like crap in the morning? Why you conscious makes you feel guilty..

It's because you cheated on yourself; you are having sexual intercourse just for pleasure when in fact sexual intercourse was meant to happen between a couple that care for each other (married) not one night stands.

Listen to your body dude and you can't go wrong.

Title	Often after a one night stand, I feel like I did a bad thing? I don't understand
Author	ManowaR1488
Upvotes	23
Comments	32
Date	January 1, 2014 11:21 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1u6s56/often_after_a_one_night_stand_i_feel_like_i_did_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/often-after-a-one-night-stand-i-feel-like-i-did-a.1363821 https://theredarchive.com/post/1363821

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