I'm not who I want to be

PolynesianEnglishMan · 2015-05-24T13:47:35+00:00

I'm definitely a seddit novice but I just want to tell you what I think. You seriously just have to forget the girls for now and work on yourself. Become confident in yourself. Go work out, lift, run go play team sports what ever tickles your fancy! Spend time reading great books or get into a new hobby! Find something that's just for you and work on it. And then once you start to gain confidence in yourself then start focusing on girls.

got_sweg · 2015-05-24T13:32:47+00:00

I understand where you're coming from on the dad part. It really hinders your game when you don't even know where to begin. Good luck man, unfortunately I'm no help. Actually, I was supposed to meet a girl this morning at 9:00. She pushed it back to 9:30, then 9:45 and now 10. It's 9:32 now, wish me luck.

Edit: 10:12 and she's still not here. I think I'm gonna go home now Final edit: thanks for the advice. she finally showed up and I let her know that that wasn't cool. We had a good time the rest of the day and we're seeing each other again tomorrow I think.

linsanityy · 2015-05-24T17:23:38+00:00

I understand where you're coming from. It's really difficult to be confident in yourself when you don't think you're the "right self." If you haven't already, you should check out Eliott Hulse. He is bodybuilder who does videos about all aspects of personal growth. Most of his viewers are young so he talks a lot of being a man and being comfortable in your own skin.

CharmFormula · 2015-05-24T19:19:01+00:00

Hi Backto1993

DONT PANIC! help has arrived.

What you are going through is super common. Guys with average and above looks suffer after their teens because now you are supposed to know WTF you are doing. As a teen every one is experimenting but thats over now.

Men who grow up without a father figure or male role model all suffer from the same issues. By being raised by only women men develop feminine behaviour because they mimmic their environment and the adults around them. this does not mean your mom did something wrong but rather that your auto learning program picked up the wrong programming.

being masculine is about being emotionally stable and having firm beliefs. Women look to men to be the pillar of strength in their life. Someone who rises to the challenge when things are bad while the women cower away from it, to protect future generations.

So how do you develop these qualities. Well you need to change the way you think. You see confidence is not something that happens once a day for 20 min but rather something that should waiver from time to time.

Inner game is a big topic and something I've spent a ton of time on personally and with my students. Your problem is something that pops up all the time. You are a normal guy who was raised by women.

I have spent a lot of time researching this problem and you can find it here:

http://charmformula.com/how-to-stop-being-needy-definitive-guide/

This should help you understand whats going on but then you need to learn how to apply it. Which will take some time.

your other issue seems to be about opening your mouth. I hear my female friends say this all the time. "OMG he's was so hot till he opened his mouth"

This is because they get a tremendous insight into your character and its flaws when you speak. This has to do with your confidence and ego protection.

Here is another something that might help you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBCBseA4quc

I'm super tired its 2am here: If you have any questions feel free to PM me. Good luck backto1993!!!

2015-05-24T17:08:56+00:00

Consider that you might be using the "growing up without a dad" thing as a bit of an excuse. Lots of great players are great because they grew up with sisters and moms and understand women.

If you're that handsome, then you are probably really intimidating to girls. Think about it: how well do you perform when talking to a 10? Do you get nervous? Do you want to eject before she has a chance to shoot you down? Do you assume that she's probably a bitch anyway so why bother talking to her? Maybe you want to shut her down before she has a chance to shut you down. Some girls want to be the pretty one. Some girls don't have the self-esteem to handle dating a gorgeous man. Some girls assume you can have any girl so why would you want them? Some girls will assume you are going to cheat because they think other girls throw themselves at you. How ironic, eh?

Ultimately, you'll never really know why people react to you the way they do. What difference does it make? Just work on being your authentic, ideal self. Instead of trying to gain something from your interactions with girls (will she like me? can I fuck her?), try to offer them something real (like, really listening to them, or really trying to make them feel good, etc.).

Basically, stop worrying about yourself and start being open to giving something back --to everyone, not just girls!

Someone else said it here too --find that passion in your life for something. Next time you're worrying about whether you're good enough or not, say fuck it and go do something you love doing. It solves a lot of problems.

EpictetustheWise · 2015-05-24T20:22:25+00:00

The first thing that you need to begin to understand is that you already 'are' and there really is nothing that you need to 'become'. Most people public pretend to be something they're not anyways, so not being the man you want to be, really isn't much different. Now, there is who you are internally and who you are presenting yourself to be externally to the world (job title, clothing choice, etc.) and the two often get conflated with one another. Your problem seems to be both internal and external, however, since changing that so-called inner game will lead you to be comfortable and more likely to make the external changes we can focus on that.

Confidence is often talked about as something that needs to be built, I don't really agree with this notion. Proficiency and comfort in socializing need to be built (for instance in talking to girls) but confidence isn't really the same thing. I'm never confident that I will get a girl's number, I am confident that I am a man, and that I have the right and the ability to go and talk to her. The outcome is inconsequential to my internal state and if I am ever attached to the outcome (her reaction, either positive or negative), than my internal state is a slave to the whims of someone else.

It is detaching yourself from the outcome of a situation and just letting it be as it is. You are already enough as a man, you are exploring who she is as a woman, and seeing if she fits in with how you want to live your life. Stop projecting how you want situations to turn out and just play it as it lies. I wrote way more about this here:http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00XB2I8NU

It also sounds like that you don't necessarily have a problem expressing yourself but you still seek validation from that expression. You don't need anyone's permission to say what you want, act how you want, or live the life you want...that's up to you completely, so just own it! I say random shit constantly, call people on bull shit, and text chicks random rap lyrics just because...it doesn't matter.

Really explore who it is you want to be and how you want to feel and express yourself because it is your life and yours alone. You are the one constant in your life, live it for yourself and not the chicks, believe me they will come and go. I chased girls from probably age 18-22 or 23 and it made me even more miserable despite the fact that I learned how to 'game' and got laid often.

The fact was that, I wasn't living for myself and really had no path to walk down, I was just screwing around with girls towards no real end (not one of those girls is still in my life). It is easy to get caught up in the trappings of the external world and to really desire a bunch of chicks when you have none...BUT if you don't figure yourself out first or have an idea of how you want to live (plus a plan to get there) you will wind up in an even worse state.

The formula is really simple: 1. Accept yourself and know thyself 2. Develop yourself as you see fit 3. Live an extraordinary life on your terms 4. Make yourself available for women because they will be attracted to a man of such certainty and vibrancy.

dawgyXO · 2015-05-25T09:37:08+00:00

Start off by reading mark Manson - models, that is a must.

breakneckridge · 2015-05-24T18:04:36+00:00

It's called a quarter life crisis.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter-life_crisis

albertobenz · 2015-05-24T18:05:49+00:00

Well that's a very bad situation, I got some of those problems too, got to talk to girls, invite them to go out, even invited them to dates, it just happens the sale as you, for some reason they only see me as another friend, hell sometimes not even that, they see me as an accuantance, (think thats how it is writen, english not my mother language) and so it leads to nothing, everyone says that eventually will come, just haven't finded the right one, all I can give you as advice is this, do whatever makes you feel good and happy, don't give a damn shit about girls, invite them yeah, but if there's no progress, no sex, no kissing, even last minute cancels, well fuck them, be the mature person and speak the truth, they missed the oportunity of that day to be happy, invite them like 2 or 3 times, if no progress then don't call her again, when you see then again years later being single moms or stuff like that just recall to your memory and remember that you could give her better chances, again their loss, they only want fun like everyone else, but the fun always stop for bad choices

2015-05-24T18:50:27+00:00

Is this giving you approach anxiety? If so you do something like give a friend $50, every girl you approach he gives $10 back

dreamoftheiris · 2015-05-24T21:51:32+00:00

Some of the best advice I learned recently was to look at the lifestyle you want to have then examine your beliefs which are stopping you from getting that lifestyle

gr3nade · 2015-05-25T04:19:17+00:00

I absolutely know what you mean with the bursts of confidence. Except I usually get them in bursts of a half day at a time, once in a while. It's not even a buildup or anything and there are no specific conditions for it as long as nothing very shitty has happened in that day. And the thing is in those days my confidence is fucking through the roof, I notice it and I definitely notice people noticing it including girls. But since its so fucking inconsistent and I can go from super confident to super depressed in just a day what often happens is I draw people in for a short period of time but I just can't keep em there.

The problem is I just don't understand what causes it because even when my schedule is the exact same for a month its still completely inconsistent.

Anyway, I can definitely relate to what you're going through there but I can't really offer any advice. Except I'm starting to think I might have slightly fucked up hormone regulation or something, leading to the seemingly random mood swings.

2015-05-24T17:52:09+00:00

/r/nofap

Title	I'm not who I want to be
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	73
Comments	28
Date	May 24, 2015 12:23 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/37330o/im_not_who_i_want_to_be/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/im-not-who-i-want-to-be.1388592 https://theredarchive.com/post/1388592

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