Throwaway account as my main is fairly well known here.

This is something I've been holding in for a while. On the daily life, I struggle with obssessive thoughts about the women in my life. I've been practicing cold approach pickup for 5 years, but in the journey; the only thing I've learned is that I am not truly alpha, nor am I confident, nor do I love my life. I pretend to do these things, so initially I do well.

Hell I even sleep with some girls; but in the end, my nasty, insecure, needy side comes out. I try to play off a lot of things in a joking manner when I talk to women such as "haha we should totally be in a relationship (after talking to her only 2 weeks)" but women pickup on my hidden desperation.

I am consumed by the thought of women and they constantly take over my mind to the point where I might lose my job. I can't focus, I'm so sad, lonely, empty, and seeking of love.

I don't know how to create an awesome life; I've traveled many places, I've done many adventerous activities; to the outside world, I seem like I'm having a great time; however on the inside, I am not truly in love with who I am.

I simply can't be happy alone.

I hate pretending to be mysterious, and holding back my feelings with women; even though it works, I just see them as silly games that I shouldn't need to play. But I've realized that when someone has an awesome life; these don't feel like games at all but are rather a byproduct of who you become.

Please help me seddit; I feel so lost and empty.

EDIT: Thank you all so much. I've read every response and will be contacting some of you. Currently laying down in my room and thinking about the girl I recently fucked up with, blaming myself completely.

EDIT 2: Wow! Thank you all so much for opening up to me. I had no idea so many others had the same issues I did. This is truly eye opening for me and I hope that others struggling on this sub see these messages.