Confidence Comes From Competence

NoloRadio · 2017-11-01T04:41:22+00:00

I hate listicles too, and I mostly agree here, but two points:

Being an approach machine without doing enough reading/preparation (not too much, to the point of avoiding real world practice), is how we get these bitter types who complain that 'nothing works for them.' Some amount of introspection about the decisions you have and haven't made in your life is necessary before embarking on change. I still have 'whoa' moments every week, as I have some realization about a facet of human behavior that befuddled or maddened me in the past but now, with research and consideration, becomes clear.
Not only does confidence in dealing with women, specifically, help massively, but confidence in any part of your life usually transfers over pretty well to social interactions, as long as you haven't convinced yourself that it has nothing to do with those social interactions. This is almost a trope by now: Stammering, shy guy is totally lacking in confidence or social graces until someone draws him out to talk about his real passions. If that person is a woman, and he meets basic standards of attractiveness, the result is often attraction. But a lot of guys think (often from childhood trauma) that nobody could possibly want to hear about their weird interests, and so the competence and thus confidence they display in those arenas stays closed off from the larger social environment. And the conversations don't even have to heavily involve those areas of interest--as long as he doesn't feel that his skill or passion is trivial or shameful, his competence will be a source of confidence in everyday life more generally.

saulisdating · 2017-11-01T09:18:52+00:00

I'd agree to a point that FOR SOME PEOPLE confidence comes from competence, but definitely not for all, and that it's definitely not the only reason for their confidence.

Haven't you ever met someone who has no idea what he's doing but is still very confident in himself? I've met loads of these people. Some were even very ignorant.

Haven't you ever met someone who's simply very confident in HIMSELF, even though he has no clue what he's doing, but is simply confident that he can handle anything that comes his way? That has nothing to do with competence. I'm like that, and a lot of people I hang out with are as well. We developed this not through competence but through a solid self-esteem, and building a life and lifestyle we want.

Haven't you ever met someone who was confident because he talked himself into it, or was talked into it by some other people? Or who was confident because he was simply having a wonderful day so far, and everything was going his way?

Confidence is a state of mind that varies daily and even hourly depending on many things, like what's going on in your life and your thoughts - it's not a switch that you flip either on or off by becoming competent at something. Even VERY COMPETENT people often lose their confidence because they psych themselves out, or are perturbed by someone else. Why and where does their confidence suddenly go to? Weren't they super competent, masters at their thing? Yet suddenly, they lost their confidence because of certain thought patterns in their head and because of doubt, social pressure, or other things.

So you see, confidence CAN BE BROUGHT ON BY COMPETENCE and is certainly helped by it, but it's not necessarily dependent solely on you knowing how to do something very well.

Even people who are unconsciously competent can waver - I've seen it in field time and time again, and not just with pickup. So, competence is just a part of confidence, but certainly not the be all and end all thing. Your daily thoughts and actions, your self-esteem levels, your mindsets, beliefs, and many other things all influence your confidence levels.

There's tons more to discuss here. I've actually researched this topic a lot, and written a whole huge and very indepth article on confidence with the help of a cognitive behavioral psychologist.

Oh, and regarding someone reading something or experiencing something and getting a "quick fix" - that's not garbage as well. Some people genuinely just need a small "aha!" moment and their whole behavior and worldview changes. I've witnessed it personally and from my students. There are many people who read something, then something in their heads just clicks, and they're suddenly much more confident and better with women than they've ever been. Because it's all in your head tbh. Game is mostly inner game.

Finally, you shouldn't generalize in pickup, or anywhere else for that matter. There's never just one solution or thing - it's always a collection of many different things, big and small. Competence is just one cog in the machine. I've personally witnessed newbies become significantly better at pickup than some seasoned pros who were super competent, and the newbie just was on a high and felt good. But yeah, ultimately I agree with your point that taking action and becoming more competent will help raise your confidence levels - just don't make the mistake of believing that it's the only piece of the puzzle. Confidence is HELPED by competence. In no way does it come from it, like you write in your post.

Schroef · 2017-11-01T02:32:39+00:00

I disagree somewhat, I think confidence comes from experience and acceptance, competence is not a requirement (but often follows from experience).

You can be pretty bad at something, but if you're ignorant and don't realize it you can still feel confident-- and if you do realize it, that's obviously even better.

For instance: I'm not good with using color in graphics (websites, powerpoints) and I probably never will be. If I would try to be competent in it, it might lead to anxiety, because it would take a lot of effort and I still wouldn't be as good as some people who just have a knack for it.

And I don't even think I had to try it as much as I did: I'm not that interested in it, and don't really need it. So I'm good with it.

ImJustSo · 2017-11-01T11:30:44+00:00

There's not much to disagree with in your post. All that same shit irritates me, too. I think that focusing an entire post on this was perhaps wasted energy though, that's where I disagree.

Reason being, I don't think guys need confidence to succeed, and I think they'll start succeeding way before they are confident or competent. Confidence is an outward expression of the way you're feeling, which means you don't necessarily need to feel the things that display confidence. You just need to do scary shit anyways.

Competence does lead to confidence, and confidence leads to greater success, but a lot will be achieved before that. Each conversation or approach adds another notch in a guy's belt and he could be nervous for many of them.

I guess I'm saying it's about the journey, rather than the destination.

Ash_Gray27 · 2017-11-01T04:44:04+00:00

I think this is the slap in the face I needed. Please accept my thanks.

misterpho207 · 2017-11-01T16:01:45+00:00

I couldn't agree more with this post. No amount of preparing for girls online will give me anywhere near the competence of me actually just head-butting the issue head on, which is to take actions.

tocontinueinsertcoin · 2017-11-01T17:30:11+00:00

I agree that confidence is a byproduct of success. But confidence in the dating world is a buzzword perpetuated by women to justify selection preference.

What it means to men is competence and ability to overcome failure. What women mean by it is lack of fear, and a presence that makes her feel™ secure or excited—often judgement-proofing her socially.

But confidence in itself is not enough to attract women. It’s a bonus attribute that gives an arm’s length advantage over an equally attractive man who lacks it. Some people confuse confidence with persistence.

SyrusDrake · 2017-11-01T13:30:37+00:00

I don't quite agree. First of all, you need instructions before getting practice. Yea, you become a confident driver by practicing but somebody should probably tell you before not to slam the pedal all the way down. (Sidenote: People who tell others to "just be yourself" are basically those who know how to use the pedal. They don't realize others need it explained to them.)

Also, theory helps confidence too. This August, I went to my first archaeological campaign. Me and most of my colleagues never had done any practical field work. But we knew we were good because we all had studied a lot. So we had the confidence we needed to start practicing and gain more confidence. It's a feedback loop, not a straight line.

Just like learning any skill, this is completely normal when starting out. Luckily, unlike driving, the consequences of poor “game” aren’t life-and-death. Often, they’re entirely imagined.

Or your story could be found the next day under the #metoo tag...

ImBadWithGrils · 2017-11-01T15:21:59+00:00

This is exactly why I don't support READ programs. The free videos are even a bit shitty sometimes.

Title	Confidence Comes From Competence
Author	bjlmag
Upvotes	107
Comments	13
Date	November 1, 2017 1:29 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/7a0hr4/confidence_comes_from_competence/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/confidence-comes-from-competence.1436136 https://theredarchive.com/post/1436136

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