Edit: Thank you all for all your advice, perspectives. I'm impressed and humbled by your willingness to meet me where I am, your patience in discussing points of contention and disagreement. I came to this sub looking to be challenged, and I appreciate reading input I find difficult to digest. Feels a lot healthier than banal words of encouragement, pats on the back, etc. It's also helped me realized ways I'm not as diametrically opposed to red pill thought as I believed I was. I don't think I'll ever be a card-carrying member - there are still many ways I fundamentally disagree with TRP thought. Yet I'm surprised by the amount of common ground we share - far more than I originally thought. You've also given me much to digest, think about, and I imagine the venn diagram between me and TRP will grow closer as these thoughts settle. I'll continue to read and respond to any more comments, I just wanted to express my appreciation where all could see. Thanks, folks.

Disclaimer/A little about me: I am a male equal rights advocate. Feminist/Humanist, strong left-winger. I'm 27, 6' tall, 150 lbs, attractive. I wear skinny jeans and sweaters, am strongly in-touch with my emotions. Sensitive, creative, intellectual. But also practical. I built my house from scratch, am strong-willed, motivated, have dreams and make them come true. Yet if you had a five minute conversation with me, you would know me to be decisively not into TRP.

I read TRP occasionally, and though I disagree with almost everything on this subreddit, I do occasionally feel vague hints that of truth among all the viewpoints which I generally see as misguided.

I preface with that not to alienate you all or condescend you all, but in the interest of honesty, humility. I'm not looking to be converted, I'm not looking to debate you all. I'm asking for your perspective on my situation, which at this point is quite desperate. Perhaps our views are too different to offer anything to each other; hopefully we can find some common ground. So, here goes...

The Breakup: I was in a 1 1/2 year long polyamorous relationship with a woman in her mid twenties. Many of you probably rolled your eyes right there, saying, "Welp, there ya' go," but just try to humor me for a few more paragraphs.

So, we were poly, no rules placed on each other. Of course, she was more successful finding partners than I was. She also harbored more insecurity than me throughout this, which often manifested in double standards, hypocrisy. In the end, I grew dependent, and she dropped me once someone new and shiny came along. I suppose I can look back and say of myself, "I wasn't strong, became needy, which is an extraordinarily unattractive trait to have, especially for a man, especially when you have other dudes telling you, 'I wouldn't ever be possessive/jealous of you like Mr. Crazy over there.'" Yeah, bullshit. But anyways, I digress.

We parted ways amicably. She started fucking one of her guy friends and I realized I couldn't handle it, wanted to cultivate a partnership. She wanted more independence, and we realized those two were mutually exclusive, so we ended with a, "If you ever wanna be partners, hit me up. I won't wait around forever, but I would be interested in sharing lives." It was sad, we were both sad, but we felt good that we broke up before things collapsed into a horrible mess.

A week later, she tells me she wants to be partners. Lots of pretty words. We get back together, it's tough. We didn't discuss what "partners" meant. I asked her to stop fucking her new guy, she agreed, but I could tell she wouldn't have suggested it herself. That she was placating to my jealousy, this didn't sit well with me. Four days after getting back together, she calls it off. Cue the next four months of me being a total emotional wreck.

I can't say what it was, but the second breakup totally knocked me out of orbit. I guess it was the whiplash of being told she wanted to be partners then being broken up with four days later. It wasn't graceful. I was extraordinarily hurt, confused. I texted her a bunch, she texted me a bunch, we talked. I thought we might be getting back together - in retrospect I was just being led on. We saw each other a few times, had sex a couple times more, each time I felt like I was shaving off pieces of myself. I don't really believe in blame, or victimization; I'm not saying she was the "bad guy" when I say that she strung me along the next few months. Sending texts, keeping me hanging on, relishing the kind things I would say, recoiling when I expressed any hurt over the emotional turmoil I was in. I don't blame her for "leading me on;" clearly, I wanted to be led on, wanted to foster hope, was content to accept emotional abuse over self-respect, accountability. Always I had the choice: settle for less or settle for nothing, and I continued to choose the former over and over again. At no point was I capable of saying, "Fuck this bullshit, I'm out." Or, I would, but then come pining back or be lured back.

It's four months later. I've done so much self-reflection, examination of our relationship. Realized how fucked up it was, how abused I allowed myself to be, how pathetic I was and continue to be. Yet for all my intellectualizing, I still mourn losing her, us. I can't seem to make my emotions line up with my thoughts.

This new guy, he's lame. Boring, dull sense of humor, privileged yuppie hipster type. I'm creative, write songs that don't suck, built my house by hand, have way more "skills," yet it seems like she lets him in in a way she never let me in. She was always skittish about me, our relationship. In spite of how much we connected (and we did, the first nine months of our relationship were amazing, unbelievable) we were always separate, arms-distance. I know this is a dumb example, but in a year and a half, there is not one tagged picture of just her and I on Facebook. There were pictures, but they were never posted, tagged. Which we both wanted, but I think she wanted a little bit more. I was always more of a pariah in our relationship, never fully welcome. Whereas this new guy, there are pictures of them on facebook, holding hands, being close after just a few months. Perhaps she's just trying to convince herself she's over me, being reactionary, doing the opposite of what our relationship was. She still sends little things my way - mailed me a book, shared pictures with me on google drive just last week. I do not respond to these things, and I wonder if she still secretly carries a torch for me or if she's just looking for weaknesses.

This guy doesn't seem to do anything, is just a yuppie hipster liberal arts college guy. This isn't just my impression; I went out with some of her housemates, and they seemed to be bursting at the seams to tell me how lame this dude is. I know, I know, these past two paragraphs make me sound like I have an inferiority complex (maybe I do.) I didn't ask her housemates about this guy, they just blurted it out and I was very passive about it. And as for me being "better," I say that not to validate myself, but to illustrate that in spite of this, he totally won.

In retrospect, I think the one thing he had that I didn't have, is stability. I was extremely stressed building my house the last couple months of our relationship, she has some mental health issues that made it pretty much impossible to offer emotional support/accept when I was having a hard time. This guy comes in and is so stable, gives without asking for anything in return. Supports her, doesn't need support. For a girl with mental instability and daddy issues, this is a golden ticket.

Here's the thing: I can type all this out, have total clarity over how fucked up things were, how little self-respect I came to have, understand intellectually how much better off I am without her, but I simply cannot seem to feel it. I feel a very powerful sense of indignation, unfairness, of being duped, had. Or I feel embittered over how easily she seems to have gotten over me whereas I can't let go of her crazy ass. Or I feel insecurely self-assured that this new guy is lame. The truth is, however lame he is, that she chose him means I'm lamer. However broken she is, that I continue to pine for her means I'm even more broken. I find myself hoping this guy's lameness prevails, that she realizes how hurtful, abusive she was, that she dropped someone who was a total catch. It's gross. I don't want to hope for those things, I want to give zero fucks. I wish I could erase these months of pining, grasping, with one cool "Best of luck, but this is fucked and I'm out." But I can't. Even today, I can't not give a fuck.

If you made it this far, my deepest thanks. If you could go one step farther and offer some help, perspective. Even if I disagree, I appreciate the time you've taken to take me seriously, and I intend to offer the same in return. Advice, insight, thoughts, theories, all are welcome. Thank you, all.