I turned down sex

2019-10-11T18:36:13+00:00

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recyclablebanthas · 2019-10-12T03:43:35+00:00

1

Last week, a girl from my class said she really liked me and asked if I wanted to come over for sex (this NEVER happens to me, so I was shocked and hyped)

Imagine this: you're trying to enjoy a movie. But there's someone sitting next to you talking about it and explaining it to you as you're watching it.

That's going to take something out of it because the analytical side of our brain is different than the part of our brain that's centered around actual enjoyment.

What this girl did in speaking about the sex directly, unintentionally killed the chances you had upfront.

When things get sexualized this blatantly, whether it's because of the man or the woman, it usually turns into an awkward thing that withers away on the vine, because when it's out in the open like that before it's actually happened, the process of physically escalating to sex becomes contrived and awkward because the mystique has been sucked out of it.

This is why people developed innuendo. Not to confuse and frustrate guys who don't get it, but because the whole process of dancing around something like sex instead of talking about it directly, allows people to talk about it, without ruining it. And the playfulness of it, is stimulating.

This girl unintentionally dug herself (and you) into a hole here.

2

.....we arranged a date and time and have been texting back and forth since. She kept saying that she was exhausted from uni and tired from work. I told her to cancel and get some rest instead, she appreciated it and said stuff like "I hope you're not mad".

This wasn't a problem. And her being tired from work wasn't the thing. Sex is a great way to unwind after a stressful day.

Since this wasn't actually the problem, you wouldn't have solved it by offering a massage. That would have just made you come off desperate and turned her off more. It sounds like she had changed her mind anyway, with the whole, "I hope you're not mad," thing.

To put it another way, when people want something, they'll be circumventing and problem-solving to get around barriers, they won't be coming up with barriers.

3

Here's the thing: she already fucked things up herself by putting it out there before it actually happened.

At that point, your only hope would have been to play it off. Play coy with it. Ignore that she mentioned sex directly and just focus on hooking up the logistics. If you instead joined in on the whole talking about sex directly thing, then you contributed to killing it.

If you didn't immediately shift things away from the topic of sex and coyly focus on setting up the meet, then you unintentionally helped sink it.

4

I found out that she hooked up with some random dude she met from a club, now they're a couple :|

This only speaks to the point. That guy hooked up with her in a more spontaneous way. And while it's annoying, the randomness almost played into his favor. When something like that develops in a way that feels natural, it'll have more power. That goes whether we're talking about a relationship or casual sex.

TheHalfMonty · 2019-10-11T21:02:52+00:00

I think you probably did the right thing in the long run. I wouldn't be so confident that you would have gotten laid if you pressed on. It sounds to me that she was setting the ground work to cancel.

If she actually wanted to schtup then she would have suggested another time.

lordfinnius · 2019-10-11T21:42:48+00:00

Lots of guys here saying you messed up.

Not really IMO, some guys would push it a bit more, and if it worked? Good on ya mate. If that’s what their moral compass thought was right then good for them.

You thought what you did was fine by your own standards, so you didn’t push it any further. Do what makes you feel right, the opportunities arise from people who are confident in themselves and positive.

So if this outcome is positive to you, and made you feel good about the situation, then who cares what other people think.

Who knows, she might be coming back to you in 3 months thirsty (but if she doesn’t? Ehh)

PiperBigBell · 2019-10-11T22:44:31+00:00

You were clearly scared and self sabotaged. If she didn't cancel, she's still down. When women are truly tired they don't want to do anything. This is rookie shit. Where my players at??!

2019-10-11T21:01:06+00:00

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testzxcvb · 2019-10-11T19:40:53+00:00

One potential explanation is that the texting between (a) setting date and (b) and day due for the fucking somehow lowered her attraction. I hate texting man. Shit is a minefield. Just set firm date / time / location and then avoid texting.

2019-10-11T18:21:18+00:00

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natephant · 2019-10-11T22:35:43+00:00

At the end of the day you did what you felt was right.

Also congratulations for not being a sociopath that is only concerned about spinning the situation to his own benefit.

2019-10-11T18:02:44+00:00

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GrantTB · 2019-10-12T03:11:47+00:00

morals

I know next to nothing about any of this stuff, but I don't think adapting to an immoral culture is immoral; I don't perceive moral obligation in that context.

coolvapetrick · 2019-10-12T09:35:40+00:00

If she Hooked up with him the same day you cancelled I would move on. But if it was after it could have just been timing so I would hit her up again

NookSwzy · 2019-10-11T19:59:55+00:00

This hurts me bro because it's exactly what I would've done at your age. It seems like the most logical thing to do. "Oh, you're tired? No worries, I'll just catch you another time". Like the other guy said, if she says she's tired, invite her over and give her a massage or say y'all are just gonna watch a movie.

msgs · 2019-10-12T04:50:32+00:00

Was this girl really hot to you or just a rando girl offering sex. If she's just a rando, why sweat it? :) Tons more out here.

Just learn that next time, be more proactive. Give her a reason to meet up, party, have fun with you. She might have taken your passiveness as a lack real of interest.

2019-10-12T08:28:54+00:00

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Ministryofattraction · 2019-10-12T17:39:10+00:00

Turned down for what?

(Sorry I had to)

Least1ngenuity · 2019-10-12T19:55:07+00:00

I would have done the same thing, that said the context of the random hookup would change how Id follow up on this. If she blew you off to go clubbing and hook up then, unless you really want to sail that sea, move on.

UneAmi · 2019-10-11T18:29:33+00:00

I think you friendzoned yourself. Let’s hope I am wrong

asiam_man · 2019-10-11T22:18:13+00:00

You choked. Why the F were you texting back and forth? You arranged a date and time, don't give her validation.

When you told you she was tired, that was a shit test. She was testing you to see if you are strong or weak. If she didn't want to have sex, she would have just stopped responding to your texts.

2019-10-12T01:15:39+00:00

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judahman8 · 2019-10-12T02:32:09+00:00

You fucked it up by texting bro. Every text is lowering your chances dramatically. Now count how many text you sent her and you will see that you blew yourself out without ever even realizing it. Text are for logistics only.

You didn't turn down sex you got curved. HUGE difference. You can't show so much interest. When she asked you to come over and have sex you should of played like you weren't sure if you were into her and make her qualify. You basically act just like a girl would lol. Even joking about how you aren't just a piece of meat and shit would murder. You lost the battle before it even started my man. Try some books.

Oh yeah and don't listen to these retards, they can't even see the situation for what it is. Either that or my judgement is way off because I'm retarded high right now but I HIGHLY doubt that... boom

bradpiff0 · 2019-10-11T17:52:07+00:00

LooooL

_McLovin69 · 2019-10-12T03:47:42+00:00

Bruh

sweetLovelygod · 2019-10-12T11:40:41+00:00

enjoy STD's

2019-10-12T18:02:59+00:00

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Ddone47 · 2019-10-12T18:08:48+00:00

we have been texting back and forth

Your already wrong here. Set up the date and stop texting. Talk when your on the date

She keep saying she was exhausted from uni and tired from work.

This is due to you giving her validation through texting back and forth. What she's saying is she doesn't wanna go on a date but is being nice

I feel good for choosing my morals over my horny 20 year old urges

You think she cares for you morals? No she doesn't. She just want to fuck.

I found out she hooked up with some random dude at the club

That's what happens when you choose moral over your desires. Goodjob you just cockblocked yourself

LAdude71 · 2019-10-11T22:18:28+00:00

Anything less than a "Hell Yeah! Come on over!" is low interest or looking to cancel. You didn't turn down sex.

Women are always changing their minds. It had nothing to do with you. How good would it have been anyway since she lost enthusiasm?

On the flip side - maybe she was using you for attention/validation AND... never really intended on banging you in the first place...?

So when she sees you out with her friends she can point to you and tell them: " That guy right there wanted to fuck me but I had to turn him down."

This is why you cannot take these chicks seriously until you actually have your meat inside them.

SoloScout · 2019-10-11T23:01:39+00:00

And why in the hell would you be with a girl like that. She is bitching around like the other redditors in here. If you value affection and some sort of deep connection , good on you . Be a true one in a world full of fakes ! Be honest about yourself ! What do you really want !?

QuiteTheBrianD · 2019-10-11T23:12:15+00:00

Hey, at least you had a girl text you in the first place. I’m 19 and I’ve never had a girl tell me she ‘really likes me’ or even text me first expressing interest.

ryukingu · 2019-10-12T03:59:20+00:00

Play the long game. One day there’ll be another chance with her

BreakTheWallsDown95 · 2019-10-12T02:58:17+00:00

Sounds like you avoided an STD.

Title	I turned down sex
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	194
Comments	73
Date	October 11, 2019 5:18 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/dgi93t/i_turned_down_sex/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/i-turned-down-sex.1480940 https://theredarchive.com/post/1480940

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