Can you fall in love with someone if you secretly hate yourself

igotTBdude · 2020-07-01T07:01:15+00:00

You can. When I was with my ex I forgot how much I hated myself, I was actually pretty happy. Then when I was dumped I just kept hating myself more and more.

TacoPhd · 2020-07-01T08:15:17+00:00

I’m going to be honest: I don’t think you can. You have to love yourself to love someone else, as cliché as that sounds. You have to realize that, at the end of the day, the person you are going to spend the most time with is yourself. If you try to get in a relationship, you may find yourself trying to get someone else just because you don’t want to feel alone, which is a very bad reason to get into a relationship. This may lead to minor problems, like being needy, to major ones, like having to endure an abusive relationship just because you think that if you leave you won’t find anyone to love you ever again. This may sound like I’m exaggerating but seriously, these kind of things do happen.

From what I learnt many years ago, the first step towards being good with relations (romantic and otherwise) is being able to unapologetically be yourself. And to do this, you have to 1) know who you are and 2) accept and love yourself, flaws and all.

Obviously, this is easier said than done. The best thing you can do for yourself is to get professional help. Let’s face it, there’s a very small chance that you’ll read something here that will make you go “That’s it! Now I can really love myself!” I’m not gonna lie, if you really want to change your perspective, then you should be prepared for the long haul.

I’d suggest you find a psychologist and do a few therapy sessions. I know that this may be taboo for many people since we’ve been told that only “crazy” people need this sort of help, but, at least for me, it has helped me a fair bit. It made me realize many things about me and also made see myself in a different light.

I sincerely hope you can learn to love and accept yourself.

noob6791 · 2020-07-01T08:17:05+00:00

You certainly can but it won’t be a healthy relationship, and it’s not a matter of if but when it will fail, and it’s going to hurt when it does, you need to forgive yourself first and then you can learn to love yourself and others.

Kenny070287 · 2020-07-01T08:24:16+00:00

it is nothing bad to be alone and not in a relationship.

i was in similar situation just weeks ago. i was depressed because of relationship issue. hell, i wasnt even in a relationship back then. i just wanted something, and was sad because i couldnt get it. and i will be honest, it wasnt the first time it happened. back then i thought that its impossible to snap out of it, so my mental health just spiral downwards.

what happened afterwards? i snapped out of it. simple as that. okay, it is not going to be easy, but its actually a lot easier than i thought. i didnt even attempt to do it back then because.. well, i didnt think it was possible.

do something you love to do. that is a good way of loving yourself. right now i am sitting in front of a computer i build myself, involved in a research project that i love, read mathematics and programming books, play rubiks cube at the side, maybe playing a bit of game occasionally. anything to take your mind off of it. like what others said, you are the person you are gonna spend the most time with. no one else is obligated to make you feel happy, you are the only one you should rely on to make that happen.

kpoint8033 · 2020-07-01T09:03:42+00:00

As someone in the same boat I don't think you can. Every relationship i've been in has been unhealthy and died a slow painful death. I think you'd be best served focusing on creating a life for yourself that you can be somewhat proud of and satisfied by, rather than chasing love.

At least that way you might be able to cultivate some self-worth and confidence and finally begin to heal or at least get past your trauma.

StillNotAF___Clue · 2020-07-01T09:26:27+00:00

I feel for you, for I feel im in the same boat. Past trauma and constant doubt have always plagued my thoughts. Now I have plenty of regrets for an unfulfilling life. And I wonder If I will ever truly love myself and secondly, whether I can find someone to love and love me. I wish you a lot of luck.

ReJigMag · 2020-07-01T09:31:27+00:00

You can, but it prolly wont go as you think. Take me (16M) as an example. An intro who plays games almost 24/7 who decided to just ask out one of the cooler girls in school. During the entirety of the relationship, she encouraged me so fucking much. Then I became super clingy and I guess I went overboard with the praising. It went well for 15 months, until she just decided to leave. I spent 2 weeks thinking back about it and crying myself to sleep. The pain was something else. Took me a good month to get back on my feet

PlayerInvictus · 2020-07-01T10:16:20+00:00

Idk if you'll read my comment, but from my own experience: yes you can. I hated myself a lot before I met my ex. Long story short, I loved my ex unconditionally, to the point where she was toxic and her love was conditional. I loved her so much that I didn't even know what hating myself felt like. In the end, to put it in a short summary, she left me for someone else. We dated for couple years. Whatever happened to me made me felt like the loneliest guy in the whole world. But you know what? As the time passes, I began to find myself. Main thing that helped me find myself bit by bit and learn to love myself was changing my appearance. Mostly, going to the gym helped me a lot. I can honestly tell you that I definitely grew a lot since then and if destiny would have that I would find someone who would love me as I loved my ex (unconditional love), i would definitely do better next time and grow with that person. Took me a while to understand this but life is really about growth. Hope this helps.

TANKER_06 · 2020-07-01T10:36:23+00:00

When I was in my personal rut years ago, I did fall in love, or so I thought. However, as I was insecure in more ways than one, I was eventually used emotionally and financially, before being dropped for another guy.

You seem to have done some self-reflection. That's good, you have made the conscious decision not to be stuck in the rut and ask for help.

You may be suffering from some form of minor depression. Depression isn't black or white, and are more often shades of grey, with different durations. You may not be suicidal, but saying life is hard and meaningless is usually a sign. The stigma of depression or any other mental illness is much less than it was, so just get an appointment and talk to a psychiatrist.

Even if you are ok, you might be able to find the cause of how you feel, which will point you in the right direction.

Finding someone to love you might help, but be sure that they are there to help you to learn to accept yourself, not as compensation for your inability to do so. If your self-hate is a pit, having someone love you without teaching you how to accept yourself is like having someone pull you up of the pit, but not all the way out. If he (or she) leaves, you're going to fall back down and perhaps, even further down into self-hate and despair.

As to why I emphasized accept, you can't truly be in-tune with yourself without first accepting who you are and changing the negatives that you can change. This could be mental, emotional or physical, including the way you express your emotions and vulnerabilities. Once you have come to terms with yourself, that's when you can look into fixing the negatives, if you choose.

So accept yourself, be in-tune with yourself, and your outlook on life and love will change.

TheUltimateSlytherin · 2020-07-01T10:44:01+00:00

Well.. I fell in love with my best male friend and he supports me so much and even though I hated myself like I was the ugliest person on earth, he keeps telling me I’m pretty, cute, nice, etc. completely randomly for absolutely no reason. He’s truly the most amazing person I know and I’d die for him. And even though he doesn’t see it, I’ll keep telling him. I hope someday that he’ll finally see what I see, and then it hit me. He’s doing the same! And the thing is, it’s actually working.. Day by day I actually start to not resent myself as much as I did before. So it’s completely possible!! And even though I might have adhd or autism, and he has adhd, we still get through it together even though we were completely broken before we met

deuce619 · 2020-07-02T04:40:09+00:00

It's possible, but unlikely to result in something that will last. You'll probably end up codependent and seeking validation from your partner in unhealthy ways or find someone else who is, or both.

The key isn't loving yourself, however, it is about accepting yourself through the various stages of your life and there isn't a shortage of those! Understand that you will constantly evolve as a person and that you can change nearly anything about yourself if you truly want to. There aren't many good reasons not to accept and be happy with yourself, but we all find things and reasons we aren't happy in life. The key is to work on being honest with yourself and the better you are able to develop this ability, the more accepting you'll be of yourself through life's many wonderful struggles.

39M

deniqvh · 2020-07-01T08:31:50+00:00

It appears to me you have certain assumption about loving thyself . You might be having certain ideals which contradicts with what you do causing you to say you are not a big fan of yourself .

"you can't make others love you , if you don't love yourself " . Tbh I don't always love myself , I have done or been through which I should not be according to my ideals . But all those time I had people who loved me . So that statement from my experience is false . But that quote might help you to improve yourself which inturn improves more people to be around you (Because everyone wanna be happy).

Analyse your lifestyle and ask yourself what are the things that I do which I don't like others doing ? . May be there is none , maybe there is ! .

nielsjeeeee · 2020-07-01T08:36:42+00:00

You can very deeply love someone while hating yourself, but beware: it will not be the healthy kind of love you will feel. It will merely be a distraction from your selfhatred and all you'll do is full fill a role of caring and serving your partner which you'll have chosen for serving this role. This will in no way be healthy for both of you.

Trust me I've been there

bodhibirdy · 2020-07-01T09:39:37+00:00

I'm gonna put it super short and sweet.

If you don't love yourself, when they tell you they love you, how will you ever believe them.

lajos93 · 2020-07-01T09:55:06+00:00

No, at best you can hide it, but sooner or later its going to come out, you are going to come across needy which is the ultimate way to drive people away. You might as well give up on love ( loving others ) until you fix that

2020-07-01T10:29:50+00:00

Get the Audiobook "Fuck Feelings" by Michael I. Bennett and Sara Benett.

Stop asking why you’ve got weaknesses and start preventing them from turning you into a jerk.

In any case, just because you feel out of control doesn’t mean you should have been able to prevent it. Instead of searching for mistakes or weaknesses, judge yourself realistically, in terms of what a good person can actually do in a bad situation.

A good person is not someone who is trying to be happy, because that’s not possible, but someone who is trying to do right.

... there’s no such thing as “fair,” feelings are stupid, life is hard . . . and you’re going to be relatively okay, even if you won’t be happy...

2020-07-01T10:30:56+00:00

Been there, my friend. In such circumstances, I’d stay alone for a while and learn to deal with an emotional baggage of mine. In my experience, if you don’t deal with your emotions, you project that toxicity onto your relationship. For example, you don’t love or respect yourself enough, so you will always find reasons why your partner doesn’t love you or doesn’t respect you too

Edward_Hardcore · 2020-07-01T10:43:20+00:00

Yes, you definitely can, however try to use that time loving someone to repair yourself. Talk about your problems, your issues. A person who is in love with you will make you see your pros, and also your cons. As a Morbidly obese man who had suicidal tendencies not-so-long ago I am quite surprised with how much luck I've had with girls in the past and how my relationships have made me grow. I can tell you, I can finally look in a mirror and not feel disgusted. I talk to myself a lot and try to amp me for the better. Hopefully you can find a charming and loving person soon.

kokokooo21 · 2020-07-01T10:49:21+00:00

I think you can’t love yourself if no one shows you that you worth loving . I hate myself too but those kind and beautiful words make me forget what i actually feel , so i think if i keep hearing those reminders i am gonna love myself just the way i am. Also you are normal and capable of love.. if you receive love you give it.

2020-07-01T11:00:29+00:00

I think you can get infatuated with someone but not fall in love.

When in a serious relationship you have to be true to yourself and independent of the other person, while still working together to make it work. You have to start taking the other persons’ emotions, thoughts, goals, and dreams into account while also having your own endeavors to strive for. If you find it difficult to love yourself it’s gonna be harder to express your true self to others (i.e. you’ll want to pander to the people you’re with to fit their needs).

imo if you haven’t jumped in a relationship yet its the perfect time to do inner work, start meditating and practicing self care so it becomes second nature when in a relationship.

Best of luck to you and I hope you find the perfect guy or gal for you :)

2020-07-01T11:06:30+00:00

The issue is this:

If you don’t love yourself when you do fall in love with someone else, it becomes an unhealthy attachment. This will ultimately lead to the end of the relationship.

You will depend on your happiness from the other person, why wouldn’t you? You didn’t love yourself before, now you are in love with someone else, you will naturally love yourself more, therefore the catalyst in making you feel loved through yourself and another person is the other person.

youandyourscoaching · 2020-07-01T11:09:22+00:00

You must love yourself fully, every positive trait and every flaw, every accomplishment and every mistake, before you can possibly ever fully love another person. No matter how happy a person makes you feel, or how much they love you, you wont be able to completely feel it unless you are able to see the good they see in you. I promise you that the negative story you're playing on repeat about yourself is not the way the rest of the world sees you.

With the clients who work with me (I'm a Life & Relationship Coach) I see this lack of self-love and self-esteem far too often, and it is typically stemming from something negative that happened in the past just as you mentioned in your post. I struggled with lack of self-love and self-esteem personally, for most of my life, and my overcoming is part of how/why I ended up on this career path. That said, I can understand and relate to how low it makes you feel and how difficult it is to even imagine trying to enter a relationship.

Whether you can see it right now or not, you are absolutely worthy and deserving of all that you want out of life. Take care of yourself first, learn to love the person that you are, and I can guarantee you positive things are going to follow. "Like attracts like." It all starts with you.

I'm wishing you all the best!

2020-07-01T11:10:16+00:00

Jesus these responses are awful. Get some therapy and be honest with whoever it is you're dating about your emotional baggage. Yes, you can fall in love as part of the healing process, but it shouldn't be your end all method of healing. Work to improve yourself and your emotional maturity, find a willingness to be vulnerable, but accept that not every relationship will be perfect and not every person you fall in love with will be the person you should be with.

oriku101 · 2020-07-01T11:15:45+00:00

I don't know if I relate to your feelings, but I am in the same boat regarding the difficulty in falling -- or perhaps the inability to fall -- in love. I suppose you came from an abusive family. So did I. And because of my experience, I've found myself being extremely selective regarding who to date (let alone fall in love with), even when I feel extremely lonely. I guess it's because I don't want my future children to experience what I experienced. Maybe you have that thought innately too.

To be honest, I don't really know if I love myself. What is the feeling of loving one's self? What I do know is that I have to take care of my two "selves": the logical and the (often illogical) emotional self. Throughout my life, the dominant one had always been the emotional, but when I follow my emotional self primarily, it leads to laziness, depression, no sense of self-worth, suicidal thoughts, etc., likely due to the abuse I experienced in my childhood. I've always hated this side of me.

Following my logical self has led me to achieve great things (becoming a better thinker, being slim and fit, obtaining a master's degree, money, etc.), but ignoring my emotions has seemingly led to my emotional self almost crying out for attention by making my body physically ill. I suppose loving myself could be my taking care of my two selves to ensure there's balance, but it's not the feeling I get when I love someone else (either romantically or in a familial sense) that equates to a compulsion to be with that person and to protect with my life. To this day, I still hate my emotional self as fighting the unjustified negativity and hope for death born from it is hard, but my logical self allows me to have the will to live. I don't know if that equates to love; perhaps it isn't, but then I think it's close enough. Perhaps instead of acknowledging that you hate yourself, having the will the live and the strength to be better should be the focus.

In any case, I think that some people aren't meant to be in a romantic relationship. I have emotionally hurt a lot of my exs in that I agreed to be in an exclusive relationship without feeling romantic feelings for that person, thinking that I would eventually feel love as has happened a couple of times in the past. It hurt me to see them slowly realize that I had no feelings for them, try as I might to pretend I did. I don't want to hurt others anymore. While I want to love, my innately overly selective self and fear of hurting others pretty much renders me unable to find love. With divorce and unhappy marriages accounting for at least 50% of all marriages (afaik), I figured it wouldn't be so bad to forgo the whole love and marriage thing and just try to live contently alone just as many others do. In other words then, I think it's completely OK to never fall in love again.

CounterEggecutor · 2020-07-01T12:04:36+00:00

You cannot. This was literally me for a long time. Hating yourself makes you insecure in a relationship. You start to think that she's going out with you cuz she couldn't get someone better. You put yourself down in front of her and she begins to question if you're always gonna be like that. She goes out with her girlfriends and you believe she'd be better off if she found someone else.

For me at least, my self hatred made me always question why she was with me. You can fake it for a long time (I did for a year), but eventually the facade will break and it will be exhausting to be together for both of you. I highly reccomend figuring urself out before a relationship. Genuine positivity and self love is so attractive to everyone.

So_Forlorn · 2020-07-01T12:12:08+00:00

Nope

2020-07-01T13:51:34+00:00

You definitely can, with some caveat. You have to treat yourself like you love yourself at the very least. I hated myself and at times I still hate myself, but through the self loathing I try my best to stay in shape, improve myself, work on my passions, and help others. Perhaps I do these things BECAUSE I hate myself, but in doing so, I feel like I have attracted many beautiful people into my life. Including people I’ve loved deeply. Every single person I’ve ever loved I’ve loved much more than myself. Each of which have told me that there is no need to hate myself because I am a “good person.” Whatever that means. Luckily, due to this i ironically still have not had much loss in terms of love life, but like another commenter said, when you do, you hate yourself even more. This is probably because when you love someone and someone loves you, your love was coming from someone else. Not you. If the relationship is everlasting I don’t think this is really a problem as long as you keep certain behaviors in check. This is probably getting confusing by now but what’s interesting is that when someone loves you yet leaves you sometimes they leave a little love with you, and aspects of yourself that you hated before the relationship you love now.

Be vulnerable. Knowing your flaws is a good thing, but don’t fall into the trap of Imposter Syndrome nearly 24/7 like myself. Work on things you can be vulnerable about, but in a positive way.

Best wishes. And all the love :)

Xazax310 · 2020-07-01T14:31:07+00:00

The question is not, can you fall in love with someone?

The question is can you love that person unconditionally, freely, because you love yourself. Love is freely given and received, thus cannot be coerced, forced, or bought.

When you don't love yourself or bash yourself, you'll start running into problems in a relationship. "Is he cheating on me?", "Why Doesn't he pay attention to me, I'm worthless", you'll always be in self-doubt that will just lead to a toxic relationship.

IMHO, You have to come to grips with yourself, face your family's emotional baggage that you been carrying, start there and release/let go of it.

Doesn't sound like you fully hate yourself, if you understand your smart, attractive and kind. You know some qualities of yourself.

Mr_Pugs · 2020-07-01T15:10:01+00:00

Well I'm in the same situation (23M) I am a person who thinks a lot about everything, I always try to find a very deep explanation for everything that happens to me and... I think (talking about love) I just want "the perfect love" and i do my best to get it but that never happens because anything is perfect, it doesn't matter how much i analyst the different situations with a lot of women, if i looking for "the perfect love" I won't find it on that way. I analyst myself too and believe me, on my point of view I'm not the best guy but my friends tell me the opposite so.... In my opinion, take it easy and be open to the opportunities. You never know what are your capacities to love someone. (Excuse me if i had mistakes, english isn't my first lenguage and i'm learning yet)

Dominus-Prime- · 2020-07-01T15:12:25+00:00

Nope. As I responded to another person here, you can only feel like you are loving someone for the time being. Once that person is removed, you are then faced with yourself again and all your unresolved issues. So the feelings, more like infatuation or puppy love, are real but it’s not love and acts as a distraction so you don’t have to face yourself.

Mature love comes from a place of emotional independence prior to anyone being in your life (ie. self love). Then when you bring someone in it is a choice and a desire after long vetting. Not a need based out of emotional depravity.

Sounds like your question is asking “can I get what I want without work?”. The answer is, no.

bigwitchenergy- · 2020-07-01T16:07:55+00:00

I absolutely think you can. The person you fall in love with is a sum of their parts. You could meet a thousand different people with all of those parts/pieces, and not fall in love with any of them; yourself included. It's a wonderful feeling, to be honestly in love with someone.

Hopefully you're able to like yourself a little more over time. Maybe trying pointing out something good about once a day, then increasing it? It doesn't even need to be something big or extravagant. "I let that car merge ahead of me even though they were driving like a dick. That was very nice of me."

nickkaah · 2020-07-01T16:37:32+00:00

Short answer, yes. Long answer, you will sabotage yourself

iomining · 2020-07-01T17:13:40+00:00

Definitely loving yourself is part of the equation. That also entails being independent, non-needy, and knowing yourself. What you are experiencing is very common, especially at that age. Don’t stress about fixing yourself, work towards your true purpose and passions. You will begin to attract positivity and love, and eventually a relationship if you seek that. These things take time, but a little progress day by day builds monumental change.

2020-07-01T17:26:32+00:00

It may be love but it’s not a desirable love. You will lean on them too much for your happiness.

tacticalassassin · 2020-07-01T17:27:02+00:00

Love means different things to different people. For some it means feeling emotionally fulfilled and attached at the hip in a fairy tale style love. For others it means having friends and people that value you and make you feel like you belong. And for a lot of us it just means having your physical and sexual needs met.

Everyone loves differently and there is a wide range of emotions and feelings in all these situations. And that doesn’t mean that you have to love yourself to make them happen.

kestrel819 · 2020-07-01T18:15:47+00:00

Not to beat a dead horse but if you want to start admiring and respecting yourself you need to do things that you see yourself admiring others for. For example this could be particular physical activity or being super informed which you seem to be striving for. For me it was building muscle and strength, developing my skills at work. Subconsciously you base your image on the actions you perform which is why if someone can you make you do horrible things they can make you hate yourself. So take control of the mechanism and make it work to your advantage. Basically git good! :P

In the theme of my answer your family issues seem to be a big problem so may I suggest trying CBT therapy. If that's too much you can just look at this therapist who helps others live see if his advice to others are applicable to you.

Nuts2YouMcGillicutty · 2020-07-01T18:18:35+00:00

I often wondered the same. For a long time, I was just pretty much okay with myself; I'm not the greatest catch but certainly not the worst.

As time went on, as I gained weight and lost confidence, even thinking about trying to find someone turned into my inner voice going, "If someone who looked like you came up to you and tried to run game, would you want them to be?" and the answer increasingly became "No".

I guess, long story short, you should at least like yourself first.

ARMedic414 · 2020-07-01T18:19:42+00:00

No. You have to fill your own cup before you have enough resources to fill others’ cups...

J-Diy · 2020-07-01T19:03:57+00:00

Well it’s impossible and let me tell u why. Because there is no way to secretly hate urself dose that make sense?

ripples67 · 2020-07-01T20:42:16+00:00

Of course, this whole “can’t love anyone unless you love yourself” shit is bogus. I love my friends, family, dogs, pretty much every girl I meet in some way shape or form but I hate myself, I’m damaged beyond repair. It honestly makes me love others more and makes me feel a touch of love for myself, making others happy and being a real friend, showing people that real mother fuckers exist and live n die by a code with honor. I don’t have to love myself to love others they’re completely separate from one another.

deniqvh · 2020-07-01T20:59:52+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Iphigenie22 · 2020-07-02T07:51:59+00:00

Hello! You can only love someone if you love yourself first! Loving yourself without infatuation is the biggest achievement and the hardest to get. Maybe you should be alone for a while, Learn how to appreciate yourself, without relying on others for this, because this also puts pressure on them.

deniqvh · 2020-07-02T14:44:50+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	Can you fall in love with someone if you secretly hate yourself
Author	deniqvh
Upvotes	111
Comments	63
Date	July 1, 2020 6:54 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/hj5a1u/can_you_fall_in_love_with_someone_if_you_secretly/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/can-you-fall-in-love-with-someone-if-you-secretly.1498039 https://theredarchive.com/post/1498039

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