A Different Approach to Better Conversations

TL:DR Throw shit at her until something sticks.

Edit: I should have specified that this advice is the most useful for when you have met a woman through a dating app and have set up date with a her and are meeting for the first time. Or you spoke to her for a few minutes, got her number and set up a date and are now on the date.

This is a post to help people just getting into seduction who struggle with conversations with women on early stage dates. If your conversations seem to fizzle out, or there’s no excitement in them, this hopefully sheds some light on that. There’s lots of advice that says “just ask her about herself” or “ask about her hobbies” or “ask open ended questions” While this is advice given that is useful, it’s only useful if you understand what that actually means. What classifies an “open question”? For someone with minimal dating experience, that may not translate into real world applicable action. I want to lay out a few conversation examples to better clarify HOW to ask her about herself, because this is something you need to learn along the way to effectively communicate. This works well if you’re not comfortable talking about yourself, or feel like you ramble on and never learn anything about your date.

A lot of conversations die out or become awkward because of asking surface level questions and not asking them in a way that opens up your date to extrapolate the whys of the question. The perfect example is “what do you do for work?”. This is the most boring question on earth with an equally boring answer, but people never fail to ask it.

You: What do you do for work?

Her: I do PR for a small company, what about you?

You: I’m a professional redditor.

Hopefully you aren’t a professional redditor but you can see that you’ve learned essentially nothing about her and now you're already on the back foot talking about yourself again. If you imagine talking to a girl like a game of tennis, you want to be the one with the upper hand. Watch Roger Federer play and you see him sometimes not really moving and returning every ball with ease, while his opponent is running back and forth across the court. He’s in control, he’s choosing where the ball goes, his opponent is trying to keep up and just stay in the game. That’s the way you want to be in a conversation. It’s your conversation to control. Not the one running back and forth trying to keep up with her questions.

Before you even know what her job is, as opposed to asking her what it is directly, ask her something about it that doesn’t just let her say what it is. This may sound counterintuitive but works.

Example:

You: Without telling me your job title, what’s the most exciting part of your job?

Her: I get to interact with a lot of different people in different industries.

You: Do you find that people differ greatly from industry to industry, or is there an industry where you like the people the most?

Her: Yeah, I find that people in tech are always fun to be around.

You don’t even really know what her exact job is yet and already you’ve found out way more information than you would have if you just asked what her job is. To extrapolate that point.

1. You know her job involves her interacting with multiple industries so she's used to communicating with a variety of different people.
2. You know she gets along well with tech people which probably means she’s into tech herself.
3. She may have to travel for work which means she may know alot about other places that you can ask about.

From this information you can now take the conversation in a myriad of different directions. You can focus on her tech side with questions like “what about techies do you find more enjoyable than other people?” “Is there a specific part of the tech world you find interesting that allows you to relate to these people more?” These questions are fielding deeper responses and are open ended, allowing her to freely express deeper connections to the questions as opposed to answering them face value.

You could take it in a different direction and continue a line where you jokingly cold-read her responses to figure out what she does without actually having her tell you.

Example:

You: What’s the most exciting part of your day to day work?

Her: hmm, I get to interact with a lot of different people in different industries, which is cool to always meet new people.

You: Interesting, are you a traveling vacuum saleswomen? Or maybe a Jehovah's Witness?

These responses are obviously outlandish, but that’s the point. When said with a tone of light hearted fun and joking, you’re going to elicit a laugh and make her relax. She’ll obviously correct you and then you can continue with a more serious tone and ask questions like the ones mentioned above.

The point is, you’re trying to keep her on her back foot. All you’re doing is tossing questions back at her, based on what she says until you find something that sticks and she naturally opens up. This will almost always happen, unless she is completely uninterested in you. There’s always a jumping off point where eventually you have to ask fewer questions because her responses get longer and she starts opening up.

Now let’s say this girl is just not opening up. You’re engaging her but getting surface levels answers, even to open ended questions. This part can be difficult to navigate and frustrating and the more conversation experience you have, the easier it becomes. But for beginners the best advice is to just keep going.

You: What’s the best part of your average weekday?”

Her: Getting into bed because I’m depressed”

You: I bet it’s a bed with loads of decorative pillows, isn’t it.

Her: I sleep on the floor.

You: Interesting, has that always been the case, or is this a new style of living I’ve not been introduced to yet”

Her: I don’t have a mattress because I live in a squat.

You: How do you find a place suitable for squatting? You must live with some very different people.

Her: Actually it’s pretty cool, I live with some really interesting people. (opens up)

Again, this conversation is a bit ridiculous but it shows that even if you're getting dead panned, if you keep going, you’ll eventually find something where she opens up, you just need to stay cool and find it. It can be awkward at first but good conversationalists know how to find peoples opening points quickly and the more practice you get, the faster you’ll find them.

These are contrived examples but the premise is when talking to a woman, you’re not trying to gather information about her. You’re trying to find an opening in her face-value wall that you can use to get in and get to know her on a deeper level. This is why men will say things like “we talked alot but she was just short with her answers or seemed uninterested” or “we were talking and then it just kind of died out” and women will say things like “there was just no spark”. That spark is you getting past her bouncer and getting into the club of her emotions. Which will almost always create that spark.

If you’ve read this far you’re probably thinking “Yeah that’s cool and all but when do I talk about myself?” I quite successfully use what I call the drip feed method. When bouncing these questions off her, occasionally she’ll say something that you can really relate to. In my opinion you shouldn’t be relating to everything she says. You should save relating to things only when its’ something that’s important to you. An example riffing off the one above about techies

You: What is it about techies you like that allows you to connect with them more?

Her: Ah well my brother growing up was super into building computers so he always had his nerdy friends around the house.

Here, if you’ve got a strong emotional connection to what she’s just said, response to it with your own experience.

Example:

“Ah that makes sense, my brother was like that too, he used to have lan parties in our living room and I’d come down the next morning to see 7 half asleep dudes and mountain dew bottles everywhere”

This is building rapport with her and showing you understand eachothers pasts and have things that are relatable in your lives. If however you haven’t had an experience that’s got a strong emotional connection to what she says, you need to acknowledge what she says and move back into bouncing questions.

Example:

You: What is it about techies you like that allows you to connect with them more?

Her: Ah well my brother growing up was super into building computers so he always had his nerdy friends around the house.

You: Ah that makes sense, did you guys fight all the time or were you a family photo in matching sweaters type family?

This continues the conversation, and you can look for the next opportunity to chime in, but again only with things that you have an strong emotional connection to. When you get comfortable having conversations like this what happens is you keep her anticipating when you’re going to talk about yourself. You can go through a whole date like this and not really talk about yourself at all. In my experience it drives women a bit crazy. Not only was the conversation good, without pauses and with jokes and all that good stuff, she’s still curious about you because you’ve not given a lot away. She’ll still need to scratch that instinctive itch to learn more about you, because such is human nature. The best way to do that? Invite her on another date and rinse and repeat while slowly opening up more and more each time.

If she ends all her responses with “what about you” feel free to occasionally ignore them and continue asking about her. Not every time, but if you’ve got a conversation path you want to go on based on something she said, for now ignore the “what about you” and just continue with the line you were on. You’ll sometimes have to answer surface level questions, especially right at the beginning, but you should be fielding for more interesting questions as soon as possible.

The final advice for where this can go wrong is the dreaded phrase “Can we talk about something else?” This is a conversational bomb shell and a phrase no one wants to hear.

If you hear this, you’ve hit a sensitive issue. This isn’t game over, but it’s a topic that needs to be saved for a later point. Your best bet is to make a mental note on the topic and change the subject as swiftly as possible. The worst thing you can say is “sure, what do you want to talk about” because the answer is 99% of the time going to be “I don’t know”. Never give up the control position by saying that. Just change the subject and continue talking to her until you find her opening point. It’s only awkward if you make it awkward.