Should I categories this behaviour as cheating?

Deliaallmylife · 2024-09-30T21:59:28+00:00

While I do not envy you your situation, I actually see a pattern of improvement.

The first time he did something that there was enough going on that it was scandalous.
Then it became confined to his phone. He gave the first woman enough attention that she felt comfortable enough to say "i love you". The next two we don't know the type of relationship exactly but he did block them when found out.
After that we are down to complimenting women he works with which does not rise to the level of "cheating" to most people.
Finally, a work based conversation turned casual and he offers to cut her off when she indicates an interest.

Either:

He is getting better at hiding things
He is trying to correct his behavior but it's a process for him and not a light switch.

I don't know the man you are married to and I won't venture a guess. I suspect that you overreact proportional to the infraction. Some of these things would make me very angry and I would not be a good girl RPW if he was, for instance, spending a bunch of money on strange women. However, I personally would not be phased by a compliment to a co worker or a coworker becoming attracted to him. If you are treating these things as equally bad, I think you may be overreacting in your responses with him. Whether he is trying to do better or trying to hide better, overreacting will not help your situation.

Be honest: is leaving him a real option right now?

Wife_and_Mama · 2024-09-30T20:19:25+00:00

Cheating means different to different people and scenarios

This is true, but I find the most concerning elements of your story to be the financial help. If he's giving family resources to other women, I personally think that's crossing a line. The woman telling him she loves him is also completely inappropriate, especially if he's not shutting it down.

Aside from these examples, it sounds like he might be engaging in some flirting, which is certainly bothersome, but not even close to cheating in my opinion. I think you need to honestly consider whether his lies are strictly to cover his actions or to avoid your response. It sounds like both, in which case you both need to work on your behavior.

Perhaps you should sit down and set some realistic boundaries around behavior with women. He needs to be able to talk to his coworkers without you getting accusatory. You also need to be able to trust that he's behaving appropriately, which means he doesn't put their information under false names, delete conversations, or engage in whatever you two decide are inappropriate behaviors (lending money and letting them confess their love). It sounds like you haven't really set clear expectations and you need to.

Dionne005 · 2024-09-30T21:23:58+00:00

He’s going to do it again

well-ilikeit · 2024-09-30T18:26:44+00:00

2 and 3 would be concerning to me.

4 and 5 are things he should be able to do with women, keep to himself, and not stress about.

Independent-Story883 · 2024-10-01T01:37:39+00:00

Take a step back:

There ARE cultures that allow polygamy. Finding and courting another female is normal, accepted embraced. They raise healthy children. There economy grows and prospers.

Cheating is a personal definition you and your partner establish based on cultural background and your relationship goals.

If you have discussed this. And he is continuing to do it, it becomes more about lack of respect for your boundaries. Less about women. Please look at it that way.

He could be cooking shrimp every night when you tell him you have a deathly shrimp allergy. It put you in the hospital.

He could be booking extravagant monthly cruises, when you tell him you have a fear of water and drowning. Maybe your daughter drowned off cruise ship experience booked by a boyfriend.

It is less about women or acceptable vs not acceptable. This is how cheaters manipulate you into staying. It is More about behavior you have established with him that is unacceptable and he is continuing it. It has nothing to do with public opinion.

It is perfectly okay for a man to cook a wife shrimp. I like shrimp.

I would enjoy a luxury cruise to Greece. Would go tomorrow if I could.

Dating a cheater is risking mentally abusive type relationship.

This is a harsh view but mine: It takes two people to be in an abusive ( cheating ) relationship. The willing abuser and the willing to be abused. One needs the other for whatever reason.

You decide with him what is cheating. You decide what will be consequences. You take ownership of the subtle messages you send when consequences are not followed.

If you are married, i think it is okay to sit down and find out why keeps cooking shrimp. Is it part of his religion? Is it he misses the taste?

Some couples come to an agreement : “ Can you not cook shrimp when im at home and be sure to do the dishes. “

Some women may say, “ You are better off with someone who likes to eat shrimp. I dont want to risk my life anymore. “

Some women see a man carrying a keychain that says “ i love shrimp” . They end things with the first date.

All of these women are smart , beautiful, wonderful, special, lovely human beings.

Which do you choose?

Loud-Hawk-4593 · 2024-09-30T20:31:24+00:00

Your husband will continue to cheat. It's up to you to decide if you really want to be with someone who stresses your entire nervous system out or if you want to find a man worthy of your time and love

filipinadoinglife24 · 2024-10-03T08:24:22+00:00

Yes. He’s breaking your trust, over and over and over again.

Salvadoransilverback · 2024-10-12T03:54:44+00:00

Check my dms

StunningSort3082 · 2024-09-30T18:11:54+00:00

What can your husband do that is okay? Most of what you’re describing seems like just friendships with women. The alleged financial support aspect is weird, but who knows what that actually means based on the rest of your post.

If your husband is a doctor, then he’s going to work with a lot of women. I can see why he’s being secretive if he gets a lecture every time he chats with a coworker about life and not just work.

Personally, this does not sound like cheating to me in any sense of the word.

AutoModerator · 2024-09-30T17:43:44+00:00

Title: Should I categories this behaviour as cheating?

Author False_Process_2473

Full text: Few days ago I made a post about my husband’s cheating for 5th/6th time. I got a very swayed kind of response in other communities I posted because I was distressed. But now I feel like I didnt give a proper background. Cheating means different to different people and scenarios. I added this in a comment and now making a post of it because I genuinely need unbiased and practical advice on how to cater such situation if I encounter it next time.

He never crossed the line with inappropriate talk or actions, but he seems to enjoy getting to know other women’s personal lives and the attention they give him and I know that because by the context of the bits of conversations Ive read of him with them.

⁠He started talking to a lady health worker in the begging of our marriage 2.5 years ago after helping her with something, and it became a constant thing. When he came home, he would delete their chats (we’ve always agreed to be open with each other’s phones since we got married). One time, he drove her to a bus station in village , people saw them, and it became a scandal. He was embarrassed, told me everything, and asked for forgiveness, promising to end these “secret” friendships.
⁠About 1.5 years ago, I saw 20+ missed calls and “I love you” messages from a nurse (who was even at our wedding). He claimed he wasn’t involved but admitted he didn’t block her or confront her, even though she was clearly overstepping. After promising me he wouldn’t talk to her, she contacted him again under the pretext of returning money she owed him. Twice I caught him chatting with her again. He claimed he was just talking because of the money, but no money was ever sent and he showed me proof of it.
⁠He had two married women’s numbers saved under male names (which is the issue, why he is secretive) and claimed he was helping them financially. I caught him and they were apparently harmless kind of conversations but he blocked them each time.
⁠He once told me he complimented a staff member on her henna and asked if she was getting married. I was hurt but tried to move on.
⁠Recently, about four weeks ago, another nurse he was taking updates from about a patient turned into casual chats. He told me everything, saying he started it and she showed interest. He promised to block her and cut off contact for good.

This time, he broke down like I’ve never seen before—crying for hours, begging for forgiveness, saying he can’t even promise because he’s let me down so many times. Besides this, he’s been my rock. I come from a dysfunctional family and live with my in-laws, with whom I have a tense relationship, but he’s always supported me, dealing with pregnancy, my daughter, my hectic cardiac surgery training, and mental/family issues, and through it all, he’s been incredible and literally extraordinary.

I’m hurt and scared to go through this again. I still love him, and I miss him when I distance myself. But I don’t know what to do anymore.

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AutoModerator · 2024-09-30T17:43:45+00:00

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TheBunk_TB · 2024-09-30T23:41:55+00:00

A lot of what you mentioned points towards things he needs to work on and points towards issues from his past.

Cheating? Many instances

No-Comfort1229 · 2024-10-01T00:36:03+00:00

yes
yes
yes
no
no

czfreak · 2024-10-02T04:11:20+00:00

That's up to you and your values and morals, not strangers on the internet.

Title	Should I categories this behaviour as cheating?
Author	False_Process_2473
Upvotes	11
Comments	46
Date	September 30, 2024 5:43 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1ft1nvm/should_i_categories_this_behaviour_as_cheating/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/should-i-categories-this-behaviour-as-cheating.1531767 https://theredarchive.com/post/1531767

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