Struggling to understand boyfriends sexual desires and porn use

Wife_and_Mama · 2024-12-21T16:53:08+00:00

he likes looking at these pictures throughout the day to "get turned on" or because he finds it enjoyable

Throughout the day?!?

I'm trying to accept that men are visual creatures and that sexual variety through porn is natural.

You're trying to gaslight yourself.

My boyfriend already struggles to orgasm during vaginal or anal sex.

A porn addiction will do that. I'm not being snarky. This is literally a side effect of porn abuse.

Look, I'm going to start with my own personal soap box and tell you that there are men who will stop looking at porn in a committed relationship. They respect their partner and understand that porn isn't appropriate in this context.They do exist. They're not impossible to find. If that's important to you, it is absolutely achievable. If it's not, but you'd appreciate discretion, that's an even smaller ask.

This man has a porn addiction. He defends it, because he sees nothing wrong with it and has no intention of changing it. If you'd been married a dozen years, I'd suggest counseling. You're still vetting, though. While many women here can accept porn usage, porn addiction to the point of sexual disfunction should be a hard pass in the dating stage.

This problem will not go away. It will worsen with time. It will become more complicated with marriage and children. It will be a nightmare for the entirety of your relationship if he has no desire to change. It doesn't sound like he does. Stop trying to convince yourself that you're the problem. You don't have to understand his sexuality. He needs to get help and find a healthy medium for the both of you. If he's not willing to do that, then buckle up, because you're in for a ride.

ArkNemesis00 · 2024-12-22T05:03:17+00:00

Men's desire for variety and visual stimuli is natural just like a human's desire for high calorie high sugar food is natural. When we overdo it and become sick, we need to be able to learn our lesson and recalibrate what works for our bodies. Losing the ability to orgasm with a woman should've been a wake up call. It's my personal theory that being unable to trust our partner's ability to learn life's lessons is what leads to contempt.

OP, my husband has a history of porn addiction. He has always strived to be a good partner to me despite the semi-permanent effects of PIED, and takes his recovery seriously so that I don't have to worry. I have never felt like he was looking at anyone else. He makes me feel very beautiful and desired. It's always been that this is something he needs to work through, not something that I need to accept. Recovery is a long process and I didn't come into the picture until it was mostly over. I can't recommend sticking something like this out from the very beginning.

PlentyPomegranate210 · 2024-12-21T16:11:29+00:00

Please check out r/loveafterporn . He is addicted. Not being able to orgasm from sex and thinking it's fine is an addiction. u could communicate to him about not feeling adequate enough due to that and see if he changes

Kiwi-Whisper555 · 2024-12-21T17:39:06+00:00

Your bf sounds like a porn addict. Claiming that is ’normal male sexuality’ is not true. Please consider it may have been normal for men to look at and be with many pretty women… if we were nomadic tribal people. That doesn’t mean your man needs to microdose naked titties all day on Instagram. That’s male sexuality jacked up on steroids & meth and perverted to the most extreme level… not healthy male sexuality. Sorry. He is investing his sexual energy and time and giving his orgasms to other (virtual!) women. What’s high value about that?

youllknowwhenitstime · 2024-12-21T17:53:56+00:00

Let's think about this logically for a minute. Men's natural craving for sexual variety and hardwiring to be attracted to multiple women can NOT be biological to such an extent that they cause men to struggle with actually having sex with an available woman, because then the whole purpose (sexual performance) is compromised. His situation is extremely biologically unhealthy, not natural. This is an addict.

Usually, realizing the man you are vetting is an addict of any kind is no-go territory. We don't purposefully and knowingly make alcoholics, druggies, or pornsick men the father of our future children. What is your goal for this relationship? Are you looking for a life partner and family man, or just for a good time for now? How long have you been together? Do you have a child together already?

Longjumping-Ad6297 · 2024-12-21T16:31:21+00:00

It is not just “a fact of nature” or a necessity to be a porn-addicted man in a committed relationship.

It is not a normal necessity for men to gawk and save pictures of other women in a committed relationship.

It is not normal to have mental and physical damage from porn and excessive masturbation.

And many of these things, women and men would actually consider cheating.

You’ve made many excuses and leeway for your partner out of love and respect, which is commendable but it’s costing you, yourself.

Would you feel like a loyal partner if you were constantly looking at other “hot guys” or porn of them?

A good man’s fantasies do involve their partner. And they would feel disgusting to imagine other women out of sheer loyalty to you.

You’ve convinced yourself of many wrong things to excuse his behavior. Please consider yourself more and take care.

ydamla · 2024-12-22T00:27:15+00:00

If you genuinely want to give him the freedom to express his sexuality in a way that feels natural for him without imposing limits or making him feel judged: Rethink if you actually want a relationship or not. Girl you don’t seem to have any boundaries.

Your boyfriend doesn’t seem very monogamous to me. As a monogamous person in a monogamous relationship myself, A LOT of lines have already been crossed. Everything from the instagram account to watching porn would be a big red flag for me.

Please re-read your text and think about what you want in a partner. Think about what he would do if you did the same. No it doesn’t make a difference who makes these actions. It’s simply not “his nature” to be a porn addict and have no self control when it comes to women. I’m not saying he has to isolate himself from everyone except for you. All I’m saying is, this guy needs to reflect ok his behaviour and if he’s monogamous or not.

I also think you should question why you think this behaviour seems “natural” to you. Sometimes things aren’t natural, but someone else made you believe that they are. A lot of shitheads in the redpill community try to cope with their lack of self control by saying it’s their nature.

TheFeminineFrame · 2024-12-21T16:21:12+00:00

To answer your questions regarding how a man can stay satisfied in a long term relationship — emotional.

In a long term relationship, presumably the man cares about his partner. He wants to make her happy. They share experiences together. He gets to know a woman in a deep level and see all the daily highs and lows. They share and work towards a vision together.

All this combined with sexual intimacy is a powerful glue that can keep a man faithful.

And couples work together to keep things spicy ;)

I do see that this is going to be a struggle for you as long as you are with your man. He already has established habits surrounding pornography and Instagram. He has lied to you about women’s he is following and his attraction to them. It is already affecting your bedroom life and his ability to perform.

I wouldn’t count on any of this changing.

The question you need to ask yourself is if this is something you can accept because it’s not going to get any better.

tornteddie · 2024-12-23T23:49:28+00:00

I promise you. It is not unrealistic to expect the man you are dating/married to, to not consume pornography. Men are visual, sure, but thats why I wear his favorite underwear to bed and take my bra off when we get home 💁‍♀️💁‍♀️

Eta: but even if i didnt do all that, he controls himself bc hes a civilized grown adult man not a 14 year old oogling at animated boobs on pornhub all day

Also as far as variety goes, mix it up in the bedroom with stuff you do, but that doesnt mean he needs other women to satisfy him. And this does not mean do extreme stuff in the bedroom because thatll just escalate too and make it difficult for him to get off without doing even more extreme stuff

ReturnToMyTrees · 2024-12-26T02:37:42+00:00

Hey love, everyone here has hit the nail on the head - he’s an addict. As someone who is married to a porn addict (15 years together), I can confirm that it does affect your sexual relationship and intimacy and it will just get worse. If I was back dating, knowing what I know now, I would exit the relationship if he wasn’t willing to realise he has a problem and do something about it.

Reasonable-Mischief · 2024-12-23T08:25:56+00:00

From what l've learned, it seems men naturally crave sexual variety and are hardwired to be attracted to multiple women, regardless of their love or commitment to their partner. I've come to terms with the idea that a man's fantasies often don't involve his partner and that his sexual urges aren't a reflection of how he feels about me. I know my boyfriend finds me very attractive and loves me deeply, but I also understand that no single woman can fully satisfy a man's need for variety.

You're overthinking this way too much.

He's an addict, straight-up.

In particular, this ...

For example, my boyfriend has an Instagram account where he follows sexy women and saves lewd images. When asked why he doesn't just watch regular porn, he explained that he likes looking at these pictures throughout the day to "get turned on" or because he finds it enjoyable.

... is like the equivalent of having a cigarette to take the edge of a stressful moment. It's exactly like that. He most likely got exposed to it at a young age and has become addicted for self-soothing.

Now the problem here isn't that he's addicted to porn. That's a problem, but you won't find a relationship without problems of that magnitude.

The problem is that he denies this to be a problem.

Now, part of responsibility has to be on you. You need to make sure that he knows how this affects you - and no he won't know just because he loves you and you hinted at it. Men aren't subtle creatures. Before you have come forward and told him im no uncertain terms "This habit of yours is causing me suffering" there's actually no good reason to assume that he grasps the full magnitude of consequences that he's causing.

But after that he has to save himself. He has to want to change. He's under the spell of a changeling succubus, but you can't free him unless he wants to be free of this.

If he does wants to change, then you can support him. You seem to err on the side of compassion, which is a good thing as long as you can maintain your own boundaries.

But if he doesn't, go save yourself. This is not likely going to get better by itself and you have no obligation to drown by his side.

AutoModerator · 2024-12-21T16:00:07+00:00

Title: Struggling to understand boyfriends sexual desires and porn use

Author peachyxyn

Full text: I've been reading up on men and their natural tendencies, especially after recently discovering my boyfriend's secret porn and Instagram accounts. I'm trying to understand male sexuality and how it coexists within a committed relationship.

From what l've learned, it seems men naturally crave sexual variety and are hardwired to be attracted to multiple women, regardless of their love or commitment to their partner. I've come to terms with the idea that a man's fantasies often don't involve his partner and that his sexual urges aren't a reflection of how he feels about me. I know my boyfriend finds me very attractive and loves me deeply, but I also understand that no single woman can fully satisfy a man's need for variety.

That said, I'm struggling with where to draw the line. For example, my boyfriend has an Instagram account where he follows sexy women and saves lewd images. When asked why he doesn't just watch regular porn, he explained that he likes looking at these pictures throughout the day to "get turned on" or because he finds it enjoyable. He told me he watches actual porn when he masturbates, but scrolling through Instagram is something he does more casually.

I'm trying to accept that men are visual creatures and that sexual variety through porn is natural. But I worry about how far this need for novelty can go. What if it escalates? What if it affects what happens between us in the bedroom or desensitizes him to real-life intimacy?

My boyfriend already struggles to orgasm during vaginal or anal sex. He can only finish from a blowjob or by using his hand, which he has conditioned himself to prefer through strong stimulation. He says this isn't a problem because I should appreciate that he "lasts long," but it makes me feel inadequate. I put in a lot of effort to please him, and while I'm happy to finish him off however he needs, I can't help but wish he could orgasm during sex with me. l also feel hurt when he denies being attracted to certain women (saying they're "ugly" without me even asking) but secretly follows their accounts and saves their pictures. I don't know if he's ashamed or just doesn't want me to know, but it feels deceptive. My question is: how can a man balance his natural urge for sexual variety with being satisfied by one woman? If men need variety to stay aroused, how do they continue to be sexually fulfilled in a long-term relationship? Don't they get bored eventually?

I want to give him the freedom to express his sexuality in a way that feels natural for him without imposing limits or making him feel judged. But I'm afraid his porn use and habits will lead to him preferring fantasy over reality-and me.

How do you ladies handle these challenges in your relationships? I would really appreciate some advice.

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Far_Willingness_7809 · 2024-12-23T15:53:46+00:00

My boyfriend already struggles to orgasm during vaginal or anal sex

that's what porn addiction does along with the so called "death grip" because, despite what your bf is trying to convince you of - and you're trying to gaslight yourself into believing - porn, looking at lewd pictures of random women (even worse, ALL DAY?!) is not good for men, or for anyone really. its bad for his mental health, and arguably even worse for your committed relationship.

so, assuming he wants to give it up - which it seems like from the actions he tried to take - you should help him with it, hold him accountable for it (gently and lovingly, do not make him feel judged, but firmly) and, in the meanwhile, try to spice up your bedroom life. in the first period, focus on the psychological and emotional side, try to talk, make him feel important, strong, like a man. try using restraints and blindfolds, if yall are into it. focus on what you both feel emotionally and physically, in order to make him enter a different way of experiencing sexuality, a different state of mind. let him make you feel good as well. try sexting, or phone sex when he's alone and needs help taking care of himself.

recovery from porn addiction is totally possible, but consider carefully if this is something you want to go through with him, as it's not going to be short, or easy.

i can assure you, a man can totally be more than satisfied with one woman only.

ArdentBandicoot · 2024-12-24T09:26:12+00:00

[permanently deleted]

B0nerjamz99 · 2024-12-24T12:57:07+00:00

Porn addicted. I find that if I even masturbate to porn one or twice, my next sexual performance suffers. What happens is that I get close to orgasm and then my mind "goes blank", sexually. If I stay away from it for a few days, I come back into alignment. And I don't even have the issue where I can't finish vaginally. When I've been affected by porn, I'll have to take a break and "get my head back in the game" for a few minutes.

I haven't cheated. I desire other women online in a fantasy sense, but following through IRL is a definite line that I'm not at risk of crossing, FWIW. You can't get him to change, he has to want to do that himself. I'd suggest that you put having him orgasm inside of you as something you need. In order to get there, he might have to go on a "porn diet" for a week or so. Perhaps throwing on some porn while you're having sex would help him get there, so his body can get used to what it feels like having a regular orgasm, then you gradually remove the porn.

Independent-Tank6626 · 2024-12-25T06:58:28+00:00

As a guy (or an unofficial Psycologist If I may), I'll say this but please make your own decisions. There is a 70% percent chance that he likes you, loves you but not really enough to be the only one. I'm only saying this because you mentioned he isn't orgasming with you. If you felt he lacks a bit of romance, that would be a +1 to the theory.

Guys can be satisfied with one if they're actually fully satisfied.

Dasshteek · 2024-12-21T18:15:17+00:00

Aside from the psychological issues of porn addiction he displays.

I would not put too much stock into how he orgasms unless you have been together for years.

That changes over time, the body just takes a bit to adjust.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2024-12-21T16:31:33+00:00

But I worry about how far this need for novelty can go. What if it escalates?

Well he is using porn and not other actual women. /shrug

What if it affects what happens between us in the bedroom or desensitizes him to real-life intimacy?

He needs to break those habits. It takes about 30 days, +/-, to rewire a guy's brain off of porn, from what I understand.

My boyfriend already struggles to orgasm during vaginal or anal sex. He can only finish from a blowjob or by using his hand, which he has conditioned himself to prefer through strong stimulation.

Yeah, that can happen. He should be careful not to use the "death grip." But if he's used to coming one way, switching to another might take some adjustment.

it makes me feel inadequate.

It is 100% not your fault.

I put in a lot of effort to please him, and while I'm happy to finish him off however he needs, I can't help but wish he could orgasm during sex with me.

That's your ego talking. It's like a guy wanting his girl to orgasm via vaginal sex which smth like a third of women can reliably do. Is it fun to watch a girl pop off while you're deep-stroking her? 100%, but that's not how most women are. So let him come how he wants. He's got other more pressing problems to fix.

I don't know if he's ashamed or just doesn't want me to know, but it feels deceptive.

Both of those. And probably also trying to spare your feelings, too.

how can a man balance his natural urge for sexual variety with being satisfied by one woman? If men need variety to stay aroused, how do they continue to be sexually fulfilled in a long-term relationship? Don't they get bored eventually?

So how old is everybody involved? That's going to be a part of it. Plus sex with someone you love and who loves you is generally more satisfying.

Title	Struggling to understand boyfriends sexual desires and porn use
Author	peachyxyn
Upvotes	29
Comments	36
Date	December 21, 2024 4:00 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1hjcpqf/struggling_to_understand_boyfriends_sexual/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/struggling-to-understand-boyfriends-sexual-desires.1539138 https://theredarchive.com/post/1539138

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