I really wanted to have a loving uncoupling.

But her toxic behavior and accusations grew and grew over the year of our separation. First it was "he's a narcissist" then "he was abusive" then finally "abusive and a cheater"—never to my face but to friends and family. To be honest, every accusation made me spiral (though less and less) with me thinking "She must be right—I must be a terrible person". With the last accusation being news to me, it occurred to me how good of an idea it was that I asked to be divorced, just how much she's grasping at victim identity in order to jiu-jitsu her away from any accountability.

I've been watching a bunch of Daily Stoic, and he says "the obstacle is the way." For me, this meant that she's telegraphing exactly who she is—escalating and continuing bigger and more terrible ways to demonize me to a point where folks who initially wanted nothing to do with me are reaching out to "check in." I sincerely hope she finds love and kindness and family, or whatever she wants, but I get this image of her going out on a date, or even a Tinder hookup, and that person slowly reaching for their car keys and eyeing the nearest exit, and it just makes me incredibly sad! It is just so sad to me that divorce has made this person who was once a really self-sufficient and caring person a caricature of an ex-wife.

But this person was always there and I was just superimposing the person they were on top of her, and I suspect it was this new person who was just fucking terrible in the last few years of our marriage. I hope this insight helps some of you as you deal with ex-wives and husbands’ toxic bullshit, and maybe dealing with your own learned toxicity. Your former spouses are showing you exactly who they were and who they are, and if you are quiet and listen to them, they'll tell you exactly how you get over them. I'm so glad I divorced this woman and I my biggest regret is having married her in the first place.