Snippets of conversations with my husband.

Me: "You do so much for our family, for me, and I almost feel at fault here because I feel I do so little."

"We simply do different things, Muffin."

.

Me: "Thank you. But you do so much..."

"I don't keep score. I just do what needs to be done."

.

Me: "I know you feel responsible to take care of us, but-"

"I am responsible."

There is something here. Something about what it means for this man to love me.

.

For Reasons, in the last couple of months my husband has been taking on a lot more household responsibilities, plus solo parenting several days a month, plus coming to my rescue when I needed help with Stuff. Plus generally doing a lot of things just to make me happy. He's shouldered it all and kept on going without a single complaint, without ever making me feel "less than" or like it was my fault - even when it was. He's made it crystal clear that he's doing it because he wants to, and he does not want me to worry about it or take on anything more myself.

And I... have been fighting him every step of they way.

- Oh but Husband you shouldn't be taking on so much. Oh but I'm doing so little. Oh but let me take care of that. Oh but you shouldn't have done that, I could have handled it.

I thought I was done with 50/50. But apparently I am still keeping score, and right now the scoreboard reads "You suck."

Most days all is well, but some days... some days I just feel guilty. Unworthy. Useless. Not good enough. Less than he deserves.

I know he wouldn't want me to think these things, I know my anxiety would be another burden for him, so I mostly shut up about it... but he can sense it, and I can sense he is not pleased. But it's so damn hard to please him when he wants me to sit back and receive and feel worthy.

Congrats on the Dread game, Husband, you dread me by existing.

(He would not be pleased about that, either.)

I keep questioning him about it, and at the bottom of this questioning there's - lack of trust. Trust that he means what he says. Trust that he knows what he's doing. Trust that he can handle it.

I can see the potential for a really negative spiral of guilt and anxiety and feeling like a burden, there. OR I can see the potential for a virtuous cycle where I feel grateful for this amazing husband I have and do my best to make him happy.

So I am trying to sit back and receive gracefully... and give back what I can give him - peace. Trust. A soft place.

And really good blowjobs.