Not wanting to take his last name, but not for reasons you would think.

LightOverWater · 2025-06-11T18:46:57+00:00

I also like his family but don't love them and part of me cringes at the idea of being connected to them. Sometimes I wonder if it's a sign of something bigger, that maybe if I really really loved him.

I think you just said it. You dont want to join his family.

He is 100% Italian

And how does he feel about this?

CountTheBees · 2025-06-11T23:14:47+00:00

It's quite a big deal for you to refuse his last name, he will always feel like you refused him. That said he is denying part of your identity by saying you shouldn't even like your current last name. You are both denying each other's identity and it is causing pain for you both.

Lab_Brat_13 · 2025-06-11T22:24:21+00:00

There’s a third option that people don’t talk about enough. You can take his last name, socially and not take it legally.

Astroviridae · 2025-06-12T02:30:23+00:00

While its certainly customary (in American culture) for women to change their name after marriage, it isn't the only option. You can: take his name socially but keep yours legally, hypenate your last name, keep your name and the children get his name, add his name to your name (first middle maiden new surname), or use your name as a middle (first maiden new surname). A lot of women that built their careers around their maiden names (doctors, lawyers, podcasters) typically choose the first option.

But ma'am, why are you asking us about name changes when your last post says "my boyfriend of almost ten years said he's not sure if he wants to marry me" and you said "I also like his family but don't love them and part of me cringes at the idea of being connected to them"?

youllknowwhenitstime · 2025-06-12T05:46:58+00:00

If you are cringing at being connected to his family, yet claiming to like them, I think you need to unpack some stuff there. You are connecting to him and to his family to whatever degree he is connected to them, with or without a last name change.

This is almost assured to be a huge no-go to a traditional guy who wants to make you part of HIS household. This sounds like a case of wanting to have your cake and eat it too. You are surely attracted to traditional qualities your man has. You would likely be less attracted to a non-traditional man... even though that's the kind of man who wouldn't care about last names and who joins whose household. There will be plenty of such moments where the very culture, qualities, and values you admire and enjoy come with typical expectations of you that you need to accept if you want a man who possesses them.

I had planned on the southern American custom of replacing my middle name with my maiden name, legally. Trouble was my husband loved my middle name a LOT and did not want me to drop it. In fact, he wanted to name our first daughter with it - as a first name, not the middle name custom that had been passed down my maternal line. Flattering, no? Even if it was not what I had planned for myself (and future daughter) since childhood. You should be flattered the same way - he desires you, he wants to become one with you, he wants to lead you.

And yes. He wants to know you want to connect to him and please him more than you care about your last name's heritage.

mrsobservation · 2025-06-11T18:53:35+00:00

You can do a two last name situation, or change your middle name to your former last name and just choose to use your full name, socially etc. That’s what I did, for example: Jessica April Jones, now Jessica Jones Williams.

AutoModerator · 2025-06-11T18:38:17+00:00

Title: Not wanting to take his last name, but not for reasons you would think.

Author Conscious-Air-9823

Full text: I have Ukrainian and German heritage that I feel very connected to. My first name is German and it's also very long. My boyfriend's last name is very long, while mine is short and I love it. It's unique and special to me. My boyfriend argues that because my dad left us and I am not close to that I should not want his last name, which I get, but I still like it! He is 100% Italian and I told him I feel like I'm losing a piece of my heritage, even though I am technically not. I also like his family but don't love them and part of me cringes at the idea of being connected to them. Sometimes I wonder if it's a sign of something bigger, that maybe if I really really loved him I'd take his last name regardless?

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TheBunk_TB · 2025-06-12T16:12:11+00:00

Are you finding ways to sabotage your relationship?

Title	Not wanting to take his last name, but not for reasons you would think.
Author	Conscious-Air-9823
Upvotes	1
Comments	15
Date	June 11, 2025 6:38 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1l90hmo/not_wanting_to_take_his_last_name_but_not_for/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/not-wanting-to-take-his-last-name-but-not-for.1554499 https://theredarchive.com/post/1554499

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