15 Year trad Marriage , lots of kids , given it my all. Really and truly I have been a good girl - husband even agrees. I’m burned out and depressed and not sure what to do because husband is completely emotionally unavailable for the entire marriage.

Wife_and_Mama · 2026-03-08T16:50:46+00:00

I'm going to answer this as if divorce is not an option, because you state that you believe marriage is for life. Also, as a mother of five, I know that divorce isn't usually a realistic or practical option with a lot of kids, unless someone is in danger.

My husband has not been emotionally unavailable for the entirety of our marriage. That said, he did have a couple of years where he was just deeply unhappy in his career and that bled into our marriage in a big way. He rightfully hated his job, but didn't want to leave, because he thought it would get better. I did not, but you can't control another person (especially my husband) and he had to get there on his own. He did, in time, and started a new job, where he's better paid, better treated, and has a better future last August. Things have improved immensely, to the point that I feel like I have my husband back, the man I married.

Has your husband truly always been this way? You say it's been the case for the "entire" marriage, but have you perhaps rewritten the better times, because the bad are so hard? If so, why did you marry him? Did it not bother you then? Have you changed into someone who needs more emotional support? After Covid-19, infertility, IVF, my mom's death and almost dying in childbirth, I certainly have. If this is the case, perhaps you can find this fulfillment elsewhere, through friends or therapy. If he's changed, can you pinpoint why? Did he lose someone close to him? Is he unhappy at work? Does he have friends he can see on occasion or through online hobbies like gaming? Does he get time to himself?

If these are all non-issues, you can only control your own actions and work on your own feelings. During our downturn, I found hobbies to help me feel more independent. I started selling baked goods and small crafts at the farmer's market. I began a photography business. I pursued friendships with women at church. I even started a couple of Discords to have people to talk to during the day. I painted our entire house to make my home cozier. It didn't necessarily make my marriage better or my husband more emotionally available, but it made me less reliant on my husband for emotional support, for company, even for money. It made me less of a problem as well, because I wasn't always angry that my husband had changed so much. If you truly can't or won't leave, I'd suggest throwing yourself into your own passions, friendships, mental and physical health. You can't fix him, but you can seek fulfillment outside of him while remaining faithful to your marriage and family.

TheFeminineFrame · 2026-03-08T17:11:48+00:00

I am going to second the advice from u/Wife_and_Mama to seek emotional fulfillment from other sources. Get hobbies, get involved in your community, take care of your body, spend time with friends.

I know that with lots of children and not enough support to go around, finding the time and resources to do these things can feel almost impossible.

Look for places that you can simplify or systems you can implement to make things easier.

This might look like major decluttering or toy rotation system to keep things cleaner. It could be switching to paper plates for now to cut down on dishes. It could be the incredibly daunting task of getting kids more involved in cleaning (if you figure this out, let me know!)

It could be paying older kids to babysit if they are mature enough. If you have the money for/your kids are old enough it see if there are community parents nights out. You can look for a church with a strong children’s program where you can get a little bit of a break. See if any friends would be interested in a baby sitting exchange.

Trick-Consequence-18 · 2026-03-08T18:28:09+00:00

Excellent advice from wife_and_mama above.

I want to press on one other thing. You have a theory that someone else would have loved you better and that you did it wrong (married too young) and now you’ll never get it. That’s a complicated set of emotions and theories to unpack.

I suggest you really examine each of the assumptions underneath that. Is each aspect true? Would you have found something better? You didn’t have much experience at the time you’ve seen other marriages and men since then.

I did get together with my first husband when I was younger, 22/23 and that was a deeply unfulfilling relationship but we didn’t have kids. I became a divorcee at 32 thinking that being alone was better than being in that marriage (I was right). And I was accepting that I may never find love again. I think you should also consider that possibility.

I did find love at 35 and am now married with the family I always wanted.

Dionne005 · 2026-03-08T17:15:03+00:00

After reading your post and other comments yeah you got married too young. Maybe not to the wrong person but just simply young. If I was you…if it’s possible you need to go on a personal vacation or a woman’s vacation. Travel out of the country with few other married women alone. Make your own decisions and thoughts and live it up having fun. If you can’t go over seas go within the country and live it up. You needed proper alone time. I’d never give myself to a man at 18. You’re not missing another man you’re missing loving yourself and having time to be selfish.

Technical_Cupcake597 · 2026-03-08T18:32:02+00:00

You said he’s emotionally unavailable and that you want to be “loved, cherished and looked after”. Has he not provided a home for you? Has he not provided for every need you and your children have ever needed? I didn’t read all the comments so I apologize if this has been answered already. But if he’s worked full time so you have the privilege of staying home to curate your home and raise your children, it sounds like you’re more than cherished and quite well looked after. Most men can’t reach the level of emotional need women have. That’s why we need other women friends. It sounds to me like you need more self care.

alis_adventureland · 2026-03-09T14:13:18+00:00

Idk if you're religious or not, but something that sticks with me is "A human will never be able to love another human enough to fulfill them, only God can."

The longing you're feeling isn't your husband's fault. It's human nature. We are designed for a relationship with God.

Venusian_Citadels · 2026-03-09T17:45:42+00:00

I got into the empowered wife podcast last year and I have been doing better. Same boat as you: married young, busted ass as sahm/trad, got resentful as all hell and burnt out. It takes baby steps to recoup your self and find your own fulfillment. The podcast I mentioned is big on "self care" and what makes you happy. I'm still not perfect and mess up constantly. My biggest struggle rn is finding gal pals in my age group. Oh if that could happen I would BE SET. I wouldn't need husband for emotional availability ever again! 😅

OLOWalsingham · 2026-03-08T16:39:37+00:00

[permanently deleted]

AutoModerator · 2026-03-08T16:32:41+00:00

Title: 15 Year trad Marriage , lots of kids , given it my all. Really and truly I have been a good girl - husband even agrees. I’m burned out and depressed and not sure what to do because husband is completely emotionally unavailable for the entire marriage.

Author OLOWalsingham

Full text: I believe to death Do us part and never wanted a broken family but concerned I will never be happy and fulfilled . Think my nervous system might be ruined. Had lots of chats with husband for about past 10 months and the chats go well but nothing ever changes . 35 and having those thoughts about what if I miss the chance of being happy loved cherished and looked after in this life . Married too young and naively.

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