I don't think I can live the life I want or be the woman I want to be if I have kids

Vast-Society4093 · 2026-04-02T18:45:15+00:00

Having kids with a very supportive husband is the hack to not be a stressed out mom. No need for a Nanny or a cleaner. I was very honest that I don’t want to be the mom who will manage everything like a boss babe. If i am tired I am tired. Things gets done slower. I will accept doing one thing at a time. Saying „ no i can’t do it right now „ occasionally will do wonders for your wellbeing.

Since you are young you should start on vetting skills to find a good partner. If you feel safe with him wanting kids will come naturally.

I do care a lot about my appearance too. It’s how I make money. I am not overly pretty but my face is very bland, neutral , no sharp edged „default friendly“ fitting for any company to have me assist them or just being their first face presenter on business events. As long as you take care of your diet, mental health, tasteful fashion you are good.

Jenneapolis · 2026-04-02T17:41:19+00:00

There is not one way for everyone. I am childfree and I also worked with kids in my 20s. I wanted kids badly in my 20s and early 30s but I never found a partner to marry until just last year at 42 and I was not going to have children outside of marriage. My husband now doesn't want kids which is good for me given my age and honestly he's too work focused to help out and I know I'd be resentful having to do it all while I work too.

Overall I am happy with being childfree. I love that I can focus on really doting on my husband (who I waited so long to get), making elaborate meals, and taking care of myself through working out, yoga, and my other hobbies. I really do try to "mother myself." That being said, I think the kid route would have been great too and there are times I am sad I don't have that. But no relationship I was in would have resulted in a solid family - I would have been broke caring for a kid as a single mother, or stuck with an abusive or narcissistic man, and my life would have been unhappy.

So I guess what I am saying is let life unfold how it may. It seems that the person you chose to have kids with has a HUGE impact on if you love it or hate it and you can't really plan on if you will meet that right person at the right time. So keep an open mind and just see where life takes you. Too many young people try think there is a "right or wrong" answer to these things when really both paths have positives and negatives, and neither is likely to make or ruin your life, they are just different paths.

countessbathory07 · 2026-04-02T16:33:44+00:00

Why do you type like that

emerald_e · 2026-04-02T22:54:38+00:00

You seem to assume all mothers are burned out. Do you follow any thriving, joyful mothers to at least give you a counter-perspective to what you read on a sub like regretfulparents? Tessa Romero and Melissa Woodward are two that spring to mind.

Be very wary of buying too far into today's narrative that motherhood is nothing but tiredness, stress and self sacrifice. It involves a lot of that, yes, but the upside has been infinitely greater for me and for many other women.

For what it's worth, I had the career, travel, independence, etc, but I feel my life only started the day my first child was born.

NationalMouse · 2026-04-02T17:15:16+00:00

I think it’s normal to feel like that when you’re only 21 so my advice is to live the life you want now and put it off for when you’re older and actually married. I did exactly that and I was always unsure if I wanted kids but once I got married that was it, I knew I wanted them and motherhood has been the most fulfilling experience of my life.

Also, stay off of toxic subreddits!!! I have never in my REAL life met a person who regretted their kids.

Valuable-Ease5411 · 2026-04-06T19:05:14+00:00

Okay when I read you saying you’re 21 I stopped reading the whole post. Your opinion on this at 21 doesn’t hold much water. You have a lot of life experience to acquire before kids should be on the radar. I was a completely different person at 21 than I am now at 28 (though my 22 year old coworkers want to believe there’s no diff in our ages). I could not have had a child at 21, no fucking way. I was so immature even though I thought I was so wise for my age. at 28, I still don’t feel ready for kids emotionally, and so I’m not going down that road until I do feel ready. But at a certain point, we can be ready for sure. We could handle all of it for sure. Some women were born with certain temperaments that they could handle all of that at such a young age, but I know my temperament (and it sounds like you do too). I’ve always been very neurotic and easily overwhelmed, and I continue working through all of that. Slowly trying to build a life that makes my nervous system feel safe before I enter my era of motherhood.

My point is, I know you’re not trying to have kids rn and you’re just asking, but the reality is, you are too young to know if you’ll be able to handle motherhood. I seriously don’t know why it’s just now a social norm to have kids in your 30s. I don’t think anyone should be a parent in their 20s unless they lived a super blissful and healthy childhood and have zero emotional problems and are just rock solid mental health wise. I think we should stabilize a lot and feel a lot more capable in our early 30s when we have some more footing in our lives. At your age, don’t be super focused on relationships, focus on getting yourself to where you want to ultimately be in life - lifestyle wise, income wise, location wise. Pursue happiness and inner peace so that when you get to your late 20s, you feel totally strong to tackle anything you set your mind to!

Noressa · 2026-04-02T16:33:07+00:00

I would strongly consider waiting to have kids until you've had a chance to be the person you want to be. I personally waited until my mid 30's. I am a much more patient person, I've had a lot of fun, enjoyed experiences, and feel stable enough to care for my kiddos. I have someone come to help clean the house every 3 weeks (do the deep cleaning I don't really want to do), and we have a person drive the kiddos to and from activities while I focus on making dinner.

I still don't fully think I have a lot of time to myself, but I fit my time in and the kiddos have a very present mom who gets frustrated at them far less than had I been n my 20's.

My mom was an older mom when she had me, my sister and I are both older parents as well. It's not a choice for everyone, but it helped me meet my personal goals first and now I can focus on raising two tiny humans.

nnnmmmh · 2026-04-02T18:51:53+00:00

I’m not trying to convince you to have or not have kids.

Here’s my thought process. I will eventually age if I am lucky enough to live that long. All looks will fade and I will eventually be an old hag. No amount of beauty routines, skin cream, or plastic surgery will halt the march of time. I’d rather be an old hag with kids than an old hag without. My life simply would not be complete without my son.

Anecdotally, I’m 29 and my sister is 27. I have a kid, she doesn’t. We have aged about the same. She puts much more time into her appearance. We have had about the same outcome. Genetics plays a massive role in how you age.

And I am stressed out and overwhelmed, even with one child. I’m also filled with joy and have a new appreciation for the beauty around me when my son is ecstatic about a puddle. All these things I didn’t have at 21. I’m so glad I had my son, and I want more!

Maybe this could best be summed up by imagining what your obituary will say. Do you want it to say “she always looked her best and never seemed stressed”. Just food for thought.

Antique_Mountain_263 · 2026-04-02T23:41:05+00:00

Stop looking at that subreddit. I am 34 with four kids and have never looked at it. I love my kids and I still keep up with my fitness and looks, skincare, cute outfits, long hair, lashes/nails (though I do them at home), make up to enhance my features, white straight teeth, etc. I love my children, I always wanted children. If you want them, be a good and virtuous woman who will attract a great man. Then you can build a great family.

It’s not always easy, sometimes it’s hard. Life is hard for everyone. And it’s definitely not all about looks. You will age and that’s okay. It’s better than the alternative. You will find so much more to life than seeking value in what you look like. At 21 you don’t know that yet, but you will. You still have a long time of being young if that’s comforting to you at all.

AutoModerator · 2026-04-02T16:24:10+00:00

Title: I don't think I can live the life I want or be the woman I want to be if I have kids

Author xo_pearl_princessxox

Full text: I KNOW how hard work kids are, I've cared for many, I kNOW and I'm not even a parent yet I already know it's exhausting, I also see lots of people post on r/regretfulparents and it honestly just reminds me of all the rimes I felt the same way even tho I was just babysitting (I'd babysit kids a LOT, sometimes for days, so the burnout was real)

Also, \*\*because of how tiring it is\*\* I genuinely feel ill end up too tired or burnt out to care for my appearance in the way I want to.

Yea sometimes I think having kids would be nice , but I know the reality can be very hard too,

\*\*I also feel a life being free would be nice too\*\* so I am genuinely conflicted.

Granted I'm only 21 so I have lots of time to think.

But I fear if I have them, I will lose that "dream" of mine to live a free, happy life where I can invest into myself.

I DON'T want to be a stressed out mom who's always tired.

I DO plan to have a cleaner and a nanny sometimes too.

Anyone felt this way?

How do you manage motherhood without burning out and stay motivated to look beautiful?

My whole life I cared about my appearance and thought I'd always be this way, \*\*I'd do my makeup daily out of habit, even if I'm sick, because it made me happy to feel pretty\*\*

but after getting used to my natural face I became more comfortable to do no makeup days \*\*that was fine\*\* at first..

\*\*But then it turned into me dreading wearing makeup even tho I enjoyed it, BECAUSE it will just give me more work later on to have remove it\*\* !

I MISS myself.

\*\*Burnout caused this, being stressed and overworked in life MADE me start dreading makeup and some forms of self-care because I'm just too exhausted somerimes to do anything\*\*

ugh!!

it is disappointing because half of me wants kids someday and the other craves a childfree life.

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TradesforChurros · 2026-04-02T18:29:55+00:00

I had kids at 30 and I would've felt the same at your age. I was way too self centered and too concerned with what others thought of me and just had way too many things I wanted to do and see and be. I got to be an actress in LA, moved to Miami beach and biked around southeast Asia with nothing but our backpacks. Just find a good man that makes you happy and enjoy your 20s.

That_Difference_7638 · 2026-04-02T19:25:08+00:00

Read continuum concept by Jean Liedloff

sixtybelowzero · 2026-04-03T20:18:24+00:00

You’re in your early 20s and it doesn’t sound like you’re in a committed relationship. I think this feeling is normal.

But to counter that sub you mentioned (which is likely chock-full of bots and antinatalists, by the way) I’ll add in that I’m currently a mom to an 8 month old and a 2 year old. Both have very strong personalities and I have absolutely no support system. I’m still 500% happier and less chronically stressed out than I was at my pre-motherhood corporate job.

river_tam2x2 · 2026-04-04T01:13:31+00:00

I didn’t want kids for the longest time - my entire 20s, basically. Then I met my husband and something shifted instantly. It wasn’t a “my biological clock is ticking and I need babies now” thing, it was an “oh… yeah, I want to have this man’s babies” thing.

Honestly I wouldn’t worry about it too much unless you plan to marry young. If that’s the case, it’ll be a lot more important to have a plan locked in so you can get for someone whose goals align. Otherwise, just focus on your growth and living your life for now.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2026-04-04T20:44:32+00:00

Granted I'm only 21

This is part of it. I've seen a lot of women catch "Baby Fever" (sometimes called "Baby Rabies") ~27, regardless of whether they wanted to be a mom all their lives or never did. In E. Europe it's more like 24 or so, but that's changing as they become more Westernized.

It's good that you are thinking about it, because some 80% of women who end up childless didn't get there on purpose.

Good luck however it works out.

SeaMuted9754 · 2026-04-03T16:16:19+00:00

I would get a cooper IUD and forget about kids for 10 years. Honestly why even consider it at 21. That’s a I am turning 30 with no boyfriend question. You have plenty of time to just figure it out later.

When I was your age I was married and still wasn’t thinking of having kids. Though always prepare for all possible choices you might want to make. So save money of your own before marriage.

Title	I don't think I can live the life I want or be the woman I want to be if I have kids
Author	xo_pearl_princessxox
Upvotes	15
Comments	22
Date	April 2, 2026 4:24 PM UTC (3 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1sam2td/i_dont_think_i_can_live_the_life_i_want_or_be_the/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/i-dont-think-i-can-live-the-life-i-want-or-be-the.1576992 https://theredarchive.com/post/1576992

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