SO saw I texted an old friend, created issue in our relationship

OccamsUsername · 2014-06-12T15:22:49+00:00

If this happened to me, you can bet I would react similarly. Covert female imperatives are often rationalized away toward others, but they may not even be known to YOU. This is part of the reason RPW promotes a defense FIRST approach to how you deal with other men. I don't blame your man for thinking this, I would be relatively sure of precisely the same thing, regardless of what you claim to know.

You also claim that it "just happened" and you "weren't thinking". Yes, we know, that's what happens when you ALLOW for opportunities and remain receptive to other men, or "accidentally" break agreements or undermine your man's authority. This is the same rationalization that can be scaled UP to infidelity. "I wasn't thinking, it just happened". You don't have enough agency to be aware of what you're doing sometimes, and if you are aware, you're a liar and a manipulator.

Afterthought: losing your libido and meeting his needs are two ENTIRELY separate concerns. If he was having his needs met consistently regardless of your libido, I'm fairly sure things would not have gotten tense, and neither of you would have been unhappy as your sex life lacking would not have frustrated the both of you quite so much.

You began birth control, had a difficult situation with your man, and reached out for beta comfort from an "old friend". It sounds formulaic to me when you consider the effects that hormonal birth control has on female behavior.

2014-06-12T16:38:12+00:00

Boundaries exist for a reason, and you didn't just breach his trust, you trampled all over it. You made an impulsive and thoughtless decision when you texted this guy without first clearing it with your SO. Your Next big mistake was then carrying on an extended text conversation with this guy. At no point in those ten minutes, either when you were typing or waiting for a reply, did you think "huh, the man I love might not be too keen to learn about what I'm doing right now...maybe I should stop and tell him." Your next mistake was not telling your SO after the fact -- HE had to find out for himself.

So to be clear:

You purposely broke a known boundary (contacting another man).
You carried on a secret conversation with this man and never paused to reflect on your actions.
You didn't TELL your SO about your poor conduct.

This is more than "I missed an old friend and was thoughtless for a few seconds." Part of being a good First Mate means upholding the integrity of your relationship, being completely honest with your Captain, and owning your mistakes.

I'm willing to bet that had you, at any point, been proactive about bringing your SO up to date- things might have unfolded differently. Had you taken the initiative to come clean, apologize, and willingly taken your lumps - this might have turned out differently. As far as your SO knows - you are deceptive and you can't be trusted to own up to your mistakes.

Here's the thing - if you were as invested in this relationship as you say, after crossing that line you would know you had messed up. Yes, you'd rationalize ("I stopped meeting with guy friends" which boils down to I've been so good up to this point) and try to make excuses ("I was close to my friend Matt for so long, we were really close")...but you'd also feel guilty.

Your SO had to point out that you acted inappropriately. He was showing you that you had messed up, and he gave you time to sit and reflect. That was your window to absorb the gravity of the situation, to come to turns with how dramatically you screwed the pooch. Do you feel guilty? Do you feel ashamed that you crossed the line and endangered your relationship with this man because you had a few minutes and you were bored?

It's hard to take your lumps. It's hard to be humble and say "I made a huge, stupid mistake" to both yourself and the person you wronged. You're only human, and mistakes are bound to happen - how we behave after making a mistake says just as much about our character and worth as anything else.

Did you apologize? Did you tell him that you know you messed up big time? Have you expressed remorse and shown that you understand the gravity of your actions? Have you shown him that you understand you betrayed his loyalty and devotion for the whopping price of "I was bored"?

I know that mistakes happen, and I myself am far from perfect - but you sound rather nonchalant in your post....to the point where I can see you trying to make excuses and justify what happened. You have essentially destroyed your relationship because you were bored. That should be a tremendous weight on your shoulders.

At this point, the only thing you can do is apologize, show a lot of humility/remorse, and hope for him to be compassionate. He has to willfully ignore his instincts, disregard everything he knows to be true and accept you (a deceitful, thoughtless, impulsive woman) back. That's a huge gamble for him, and I'm not entirely sure that you appreciate the severity of this situation.

If you think my words are harsh - I'll tell you a little secret, I'm treating you with kid gloves because I am far harder on myself. Users sometimes complain about how 'mean' we are around here - because they fail to realize that it's not about nice or mean, it's about honesty and discipline. We hold other women to the same standards that we live by. It's not easy, it's not always fun - but it is worth the effort.

TempestTcup · 2014-06-12T15:45:29+00:00

You have been dating 8 months, for 2 months you have not been meeting his needs and have been fighting, and then you contact another man saying you missed him. You might have lost this one.

The only thing I can offer is to let him cool down and then make a heartfelt apology outlining everything you did wrong with no hamstering and no "I don't know why I did it". You might as well apologize for not meeting his bedroom needs also.

2014-06-12T15:41:13+00:00

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eatplaycrush · 2014-06-12T17:46:23+00:00

Okay, I lied, I just read the update part in your post. You obviously need to let him go and let him find a women that he deserves while you work on yourself. You're 18. You aren't truly RPW acting and thinking this way. Being single will give you time to enforce these ways of thinking into your actual life and will give you time to work on your skills mentally, emotionally, and physically. RPW don't do "FWB" aka be a plate. The fact you did not make the decision to end it because you don't put up with being a plate shows that in fact you still have learning to do.

eatplaycrush · 2014-06-12T17:38:44+00:00

I didn't even read any more besides you texting some other dude you missed him. What the f do you think?

Bakerofpie · 2014-06-12T17:58:49+00:00

You understand what happened here, I think. If not:

1) You inherently need connection, validation, and have a drive to avoid pain and dissonance. Relationship with SO is primary source of validation.

2) When you don't have validation, you experience dissonance. Instead of seeking it out by abiding by standards and discipline and focusing on how you can achieve insight and change, while (optionally) communicating your reflections to SO, you lose focus of standards and try to quell the dissonance.

3) To quell the dissonance, you go back to a version of a fight-or-flight response. Usually easier for women to flight. Meaning seek to use external validation instead of doing the tough work of reflection and self-improvement.

4) And your natural flight response has the anticipated consequence of breaking standards, rationalizing your actions to avoid pain, and repainting the experience in your mind to avoid even more pain. It's a mental survival strategy.

There's nothing "wrong" with what you did (Suboptimal. it's a matter of effectiveness, not necessarily ethics), but you can do much, much better. You can choose consistent, long-term satisfaction that fundamentally fulfills you as a woman (lots of details on this in sidebar and discussions). But you have to understand that it didn't "just happen". Just as you have to understand that you can choose to structure your perception and behavior in ways that maximize the room in your relationship where both of you can be happy.

good luck. You can realize the patterns in your life and choose healthy ones to help you be better. Sounds like you want to learn from the relationship and grow. It's not easy, but worthwhile.

eatplaycrush · 2014-06-12T18:29:12+00:00

Now this is just weird considering your boyfriend posted in TRP and just tried to post here also.

sierrasecho · 2014-06-12T15:19:45+00:00

you do of course know that no one here believes there were no ulterior motives in contacting matt, and you SO doesnt believe you either. so you sticking to your guns on that makes you look like an untrustwothy liar to him

tell the truth, right now, why did you contact him

2014-06-12T15:02:50+00:00

are you going to flounce out in a huff if we come down on you hard, or are you ready for tough love?

2014-06-12T15:05:39+00:00

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StingrayVC · 2014-06-12T15:17:15+00:00

Is anything that you have fought about possibly related to this in any manner whatsoever. Even in (what you might think) the smallest way?

skunchers · 2014-06-12T15:29:47+00:00

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proprioceptor · 2014-06-12T15:32:21+00:00

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TempestTcup · 2014-06-12T15:38:53+00:00

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banditgirl · 2014-06-12T16:23:12+00:00

Is it possible you had the "strong nostalgia" feelings because you and your SO are fighting? It seems like a pretty typical female response - one man isn't giving you what you want so you test the waters with another? Even if Matt has a gf, he might give you emotional tingles, in that you got him to say "I miss you"

I would seriously consider your motivations for needing to text another man. If it is that your SO isn't giving you what you need emotionally, and you clearly aren't giving him what he needs in the bedroom, maybe you need to take a harder look at the relationship in general.

Bakerofpie · 2014-06-12T18:32:51+00:00

Whether or not you want it to be the end of your relationship, it sounds like it is. Cut ties. You don't want to be friends with benefits. You have feelings for him and that's only going to make it hurt worse for you. Let him move on.

Take this as a lesson. I think it's a little weird to break up with someone over ten text messages with someone you've known since childhood, but it's always better to be safe than sorry and I don't know the whole background. I had a couple of male friends who had been in my life for a long time and I wasn't willing to cut them out. My husband met them early on and they are every bit as much his friends as they are mine now. If he had found a random text conversation between us I could see him being suspicious. If you missed your friend and wanted to chat you should have told your SO that you wanted to have a double date or something, rather than engaging in behavior that could easily be interpreted as pretty shady.

Edit: after reading some other responses there are many good points. I didn't immediately see this as a huge mistake because I wasn't thinking about the big picture - the fact that you chose to send that message while you and your SO had been having problems speaks volumes. Texting an old friend isn't necessarily a big deal - not telling your SO about it and doing so while the two of you are not in a good place is.

2014-06-12T17:21:42+00:00

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TempestTcup · 2014-06-12T17:25:37+00:00

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2014-06-12T17:50:22+00:00

You f&& up!

aaron_the_just · 2014-06-12T15:26:51+00:00

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Title	SO saw I texted an old friend, created issue in our relationship
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	1
Comments	82
Date	June 12, 2014 1:16 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/27ymn0/so_saw_i_texted_an_old_friend_created_issue_in/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/so-saw-i-texted-an-old-friend-created-issue-in-our.165476 https://theredarchive.com/post/165476

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