Some thoughts on keeping male friends and the role of maternal instincts

2014-10-10T17:49:38+00:00

This topic is something I go back and forth on. I definitely understand the need to be caretaker for male friends, my husbands close friends are serious introverts, and when I first met them I would try to "help" them talk to them ...I was in my early 20's, fast forward now I'm 30, I could care less. I feel like I've matured to a point where I feel it's none of my GD business what happens in their personal lives.

Another incident - had a guy friend met in college, introduced him to his now EX wife. Lesson learned there as well.

More recently, I was hit on by a younger guy at the gym, who attempted to be "friends" - well this was NOT going to work. I toiled with that for a few months, had to really get myself in check. I didn't like how he was making me feel. Not his fault, just as much mine for thinking we could be friends.

All said - I don't think male "friendships" work for me. I do care too much, and that is reserved for my husband and son 100%

I will happily converse with other men, in a social setting with or w/o my husband, but I keep it very cordial.

I'm glad you brought this up, I think about this issue for myself quite often.

mattel-inc · 2014-10-11T04:32:03+00:00

I can't believe I've come across this. This post speaks to me. It is me.

Why do I (25F) mother all my male friends?

I don't even mean to do it. But when they tell me they are going for a drive, or leaving or whatever - I always say "Be careful" and "Take care". I even get to "Please message me when you get home so I know you're safe".

Looking on it now, I had NO IDEA I was being so maternal.

In some cases, my 'affectionate' ways have been a lead to 'attraction'. Especially the most recent situation I have myself in. But not so much with others.

I feel like I am such a 'man' anyway. I am independent. I feel the need to look after people. It's just who I am.

eatplaycrush · 2014-10-10T16:14:26+00:00

Maternal instincts. For both younger and older male friends, I enjoy supporting them, loving them, and providing for them.

Do you really think your SO will be oh so happy when you do this for other men? It loses all meaning and any source of being looked at as special if you do it for everyone else and not him exclusively. So, what's your point in a relationship? There isn't one. May be adding to why you're single currently.

I have at least 3 male friends for whom I'd drop everything and fly across the world to rescue from prison.

Those feelings are supposed to be explicitly for your spouse, not some "friends" who don't even look at you as just a friend. You are their ticket for getting by when times are tough, apparently. You shouldn't be willing to rescue anyone from prison besides your spouse if they say so...

Women: Do any of you have male friends in your life that you feel strongly toward in this sort of way? Have you observed it elsewhere?

No. I don't disrespect my SO up and down. That would make our dynamic meaningless. Have I observed it? Sure, and the male always wants more then the female is stuck in some position of "oh nooooo I was just being a friend!" So, let's be realistic here

tofeelforever · 2014-10-10T16:18:39+00:00

I think the big thing about male friendships for me is perception and respect.

I have male friends but we don't hang out solo, I don't go to lunch alone with male coworkers, male friends are not hanging out in my house without my SO home as well.

I don't necessarily care about what people think of me, but I do care about what my relationship looks like to those on the outside because that treads into the realm of being respectful to my SO.

TheTerrorSquad · 2014-10-10T16:27:45+00:00

These strong maternal instincts are part of what makes us good mother material, but this experience demonstrates the challenges that can arise if those instincts go unmet in a traditional manner.

♀

2014-10-10T21:27:30+00:00

Not being sarcastic here at all - have you considered getting a pet if you don't already, or volunteering at an animal shelter? I find I get a lot of my mothering/nurturing energy out that way.

JustAnne · 2014-10-10T18:08:38+00:00

somehow those friendships with men dont sound like friendships to me. or like any sort of healthy relationship. where's the giving and taking? it seems more like you're just being used.

HeelsDownEyesUp · 2014-10-10T18:38:53+00:00

I've felt and observed the maternal instinct for platonic female-male relationships, too.... In high school I felt it, I was the odd girl out for not conforming to the whole boy-crazy, gossip, makeup, attention-seeking trend. I was the opposite and played low-key to avoid stress and managed my time better. But, some boys still sought me out for attention, and I always turned them down right away when it came between spending time or attention on them or time and attention on my classes or more important things.

I had three males throughout high school who were friends; why? For two, I never needed to reject them outright. One was a very laid back aussie, the other a friendly boy with Asperger's. They both could see and understand my boundaries and values, and didn't have the higher need for attention to push those lines. We behaved like siblings, I felt like an older sister to them, and we helped each other without much emotional attachment to it, just mutual respect and appreciation. The third guy? Only male I ever cut some slack to. He had ADD and I believed he didn't understand my boundaries and when I was telling him to leave, so I looked out for him, kept a bit distant, and after graduation.... he called me asking me out. Hell no. He is as beta as they come and had no core similarities to me. Negative compatibility.

So in my experience, I can be friends with males who are "low energy", not beta per se but are generally easy-going, relaxed people. I have two males much older than I am who are outgoing, active, talkative people, the relationship is limited mostly to the hobby group I lead. They have wives and families of their own.

Two other males in my life are also much older with families, and it is more of a mentor relationship in which I give them high respect and readily learn from them; I trust them enough that I hand control over and have had no need to be a dominant force in the relationship. Yet we are not intimate or emotionally strong together... we wouldn't go out of our way just to spend time together or see each other for the hell of it. We would attend each other's funerals depending on who died first, would visit if something significant happened, etc. Just no lunch dates or such.

I know one of those men also is close friends with my female neighbor who is married to a great husband, they are closer in age, hang out as drinking pals, and know each other through their business. They both are naturally assertive and confident about their boundaries and values, I would think this is what enables them to be close.

And if you're wondering, I am single because I am 18yo, come from a broken home, and only just recently am in the position to meet a man I may consider; further than that, I live in too suburban an area, I have a farm in a neighborhood of elderly people, so the type of man I want is not around. I know I want to move farther into rural areas and have a farm life. Not only do I want a good leader as a husband with some basic core values/similarities to mine, I want a man who knows how to run a farm or at least is as passionate about animals and agriculture as I am. Someone I can actually work with. I'm perfectly fine being unmarried if I can't find someone who meets my standards, so far I haven't dated anyone, yet have no issues from relationshits ;)

2014-10-10T19:42:11+00:00

I feel this way for my husband's friends(though, maybe not so extreme). Last time we were over at a friend's house, and I knew another friend would be there, I offered to make dinner. One of my husband's friends got sick, so I made him some special muffins. I do love them, in just a very different way than my husband, or my other friends. It's up to my husband, though, that if they were in need of help, if we would help them at the drop of a hat.

I don't feel it would be appropriate to be this way with male friends that aren't "related" to your husband. It isn't fair to the guys, and it isn't fair to your husband, especially.

2014-10-10T16:26:42+00:00

I think this is a very good hypothesis that has a great deal of accuracy to it. I never thought of it before.

2014-10-12T01:30:48+00:00

The rules, assuming you believe in monogamy and respect your significant other, are the same regardless of sex.

There are many people who wind up falling in love with someone other than their SO and end up having an affair. They say "it just happened". No, it didn't just happen. They allowed it to happen. They actively fostered it, even if they didn't purposefully do so.

You do not put yourself in a position where you can develop romantic feelings for a member of the opposite sex other than your SO. Period. Male, female, doesn't matter.

You don't share emotional intimacy at all with a sexually mature member of the opposite sex who is not blood kin. You do not spend time alone with a sexually mature member of the opposite sex who is not blood kin.

That does not mean that you can't have friends of the opposite sex. It just means that you always have to take care.

EDIT: and if you are going to engage in a friendship with a member of the opposite sex, you do so as a couple. That is critical. If you are going to spend time with a member of the opposite sex, you do so with your SO present and engaged.

comewhatagain · 2014-10-12T03:06:49+00:00

I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with having male friends. However, I think those friendships work if both parties are fully aware that there is NO level of attraction between them and the emotional investment is best kept at a minimum. I have a male friend with whom I have lunch with on a regular period, but our interactions are casual and light. In high school, I was less level headed. I had a male friend that I became too comfortable with. My gratitude for all of his friendly, caring gestures was perceived as romantic interest, understandably so. Immature as I was, I started to grow cold and distant, instead of telling him I didn't like him. Lesson learned, I would advise not to become so close with men unless you have romantic interest in them.

There was a study about opposite sex friendships from 2007 in the journal of Personal Relationships . I am not sure how to upload it (it is a pdf). Here is an excerpt from the study's conclusion:

"Women tend to under perceive the sexual interest of men who do not arouse their sexual interest and therefore experience an unreciprocated sense of non-sexuality or friendliness, perhaps resulting in a false sense of security. Furthermore, women may be advised to use men's behaviors such as sexual innuendos or sexual advances, as indicators not only that he is sexually interested in her but also that he may think she is sexually interested in him. Women should be careful not to discount estimates of men's sexual interest based on their own lack of sexual interest."

2014-10-12T04:31:05+00:00

This is the first time I hear about this. I only feel this way about people that are extremely special to me. That could be my man, or a special female friend, but never male friends. Male friends tend to be less touchy-feely and like to tease, and thus don't inspire maternal feelings.

2014-10-12T17:34:33+00:00

My husband has two close male friends, one we see almost daily and the other at least once a week. I have grown to like these guys and they frequently share dinners with us and join us on hikes and camping trips.

I consider them friends, and good friends at that. They're the kind of people I find to be brotherly and reliable. I trust them. I give them my trust because they have earned it by never crossing the line with me. We laugh and argue, same as family does, but at the end of the day they know we would never let them down and they don't want to let us down either.

I know in my mind and my heart when a 'relationship' with a guy is something more than brotherly and that's when it's time to draw back and become distant. I think most women know this and it's a good indicator of your character if you can recognize and adjust. I know I never want to plant a seed of discomfort in my husband's life over something so easily fixed.

lev21pirate · 2014-10-13T23:17:13+00:00

Men: Do you have any non-romantic female friends that you feel truly care about you?

The issue with female friends is that they're actually more detrimental than beneficial to a man as a sexual strategy.

Any kind of zoning will be perceived by other women as having failed the vetting process, it lowers your value as a man ; "She wont sleep with him ,therefore something must be wrong with him, ergo why bother?"

Worst still , she's likely to exert efforts to keep you there - in the zone, since you (as a man) are a fetishized marker of her desirability : Maybe she's leading you on - draining your resources, maybe she's unconsciously & covertly lowering you rvalue to other women.

In my opinion , any women wishing to entertain friendships with men must take into account the importance of male sexuality; If you won't fuck him, act in such a way that others will want to.

nogiraffetattoo · 2014-10-15T15:58:02+00:00

I was going to say that I don't feel this way about any men, but I'd have to amend that and say the only person I feel this way for (the non-romantic, maternal feelings) is my little brother. He's 20 and single and still figuring out his path and all that crap. He engages in some risky behaviors, so I worry that he's going to call from jail sometime and need saving. My SO knows how I feel about my brother and I think that it's totally okay because he's my brother.

That being said, I don't think my SO would be okay with me having feelings anything remotely like that for another, unrelated male.

Additionally, if my SO had this fatherly/saviour complex toward other women, I would not be okay with it. I'm supposed to be the one he supports and loves in that way. (Of course, if his little sister got in trouble, I would fully support him going to save her. Are siblings just different? I think so...)

I think it's always important to put yourself in your SO's shoes (as much as we can) and think - would I be okay with my SO doing this? (This is not a useful process for all things though, and hopefully that is apparent to this audience.) If you wouldn't be okay with your SO doing it, then you shouldn't do it either. Alternatively, I like to think about - if my best friend had this problem, what would I be telling her to do? If a dude was posting on TRP about a woman who had these types of relationships with other men, what kind of advice would you give him, or would you expect to see him getting?

Maybe you could fulfill your maternal instincts through the job change you were considering, or also through volunteering - with kids, with old folks, with animals. I think those would all be healthy outlets that still allow you to foster that maternal instinct. :)

Title	Some thoughts on keeping male friends and the role of maternal instincts
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	13
Comments	23
Date	October 10, 2014 3:40 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/2iv3sw/some_thoughts_on_keeping_male_friends_and_the/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/some-thoughts-on-keeping-male-friends-and-the-role.165819 https://theredarchive.com/post/165819

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