Divorcing and I have only ever slept with my husband

Summerisle7 · 2020-08-21T16:58:17+00:00

Use this time to get comfortable with your own body and giving yourself pleasure. Explore on your own, in the safety of your own bedroom or bathtub! You do NOT ever have to get close to anyone or have sex with anyone if you don't want to. Only when you're ready and really want to, and it doesn't matter how long it takes you to get there.

FurryBellyButt0n · 2020-08-21T17:15:09+00:00

I was in a long term Forever Fiance situation as a Placeholder with a NVM and we were together almost 7 years. Before then I had 2 other LTR with shitty men too. So I was relatively naive to the depraved fuckery of men and the fact that they will do/say/pretend/lie....basically do whatever it takes to gain your trust so they can then sleep with you.

I had extreme fears as well initially, but until I really followed FDS to a CORE and put in the inner work to really look at things clearly without the post-breakup fog and trauma impairing my judgement initially (in my experience this took at least 3-5 months of therapy and being separated in separate households from my ex to really see things for what they were to truly process it), it was very difficult and I ended up having a few pickme hookups at my low points because the men were able to sweet talk, future fake, and promise me the world through validation and other ways to force a fake sense of intimacy before they would have sex with me. As soon as they used me, they would usually show their true depraved nature.

I was not as adequately prepared as other women because I would jump from LTR with LVM to LTR with LVM to LTR with LVM so I didn't have the experience of being in my early 20's dating and vetting. So in some ways, it felt like a second awkward adolescence or "growing pains" but I realized I needed to really research and do the work to catch up. So after I realized that, anything I was tempted to seek validation from men through OLD or other means, I would just go to FDS and read the sub. Read the books. Read the posts. See the examples and commentary. I would do that anytime an urge to creep on my ex on social media or anything that screams pickme. Eventually, it became a habit and I was able to absorb the information fully to then be fully informed with dating.

What I learned from this experience:

The "3 month rule" of only kissing and NO SEX for AT LEAST 3+ months is a "golden rule" now for me. Men who just want a hookup or are LVM and/or want to put as minimal effort as they can to get you hooked into a situationship will not have the stamina and/or will lose interest if you continue to be firm in your truth and hold boundaries so you can weed them out faster. A potentially HVM may try to push boundaries initially to see what they can get away with or try to move quicker at your own pace, but if they are reasonable and a healthy person, they respect the word "NO", will hear you, and will revisit the conversation when you are ready. If they become mopey or keep trying to revisit the issue after making this boundary clear, they are toxic. You don't need to give them any more time and you don't owe them shit. They are a stranger you are getting to know. So move on. TRUST ME: there are men who will wait! I found at least 2 when I was in this process/journey when I was firm in my expectations. So they exist, but you will need to not be afraid to make concessions or continue talking to them when they show an ounce of fuckery because there are other options that will have no issue with this!

The other reason the "3 month rule" is essential IMO is that intimacy and sex are two different realms. A man can desire you sexually but that doesn't mean he will value you as a human being and/or potential partner and/or have deep, genuine feelings for you. To make sure you are finding THE RIGHT type of men, it's important to vet them for effort, consistency, and taking the time to get to know you outside of home dates, lazy dates, and/or nonsexual settings. It's easy to control, manipulate or hide behind a potentially HVM mask if they are able to control the variables that surround the date like their house or places that are his "usual" hang out spots where he can control more of the outcome. Meeting his friends early on is not a date. Going to a local place they do happy hour is not a date. He should be getting to know YOU as a human being and making the time and effort to think of something thoughtful you two would enjoy doing together that does not give him an easy transition to suggesting you go back to his place later for sex. It should be a 2-4 hours max where you try something fun or experience a place together so you can build rapport. Over time, you will increase dates with the interested men if they are showing the interest is mutual as he will make it clear by scheduling more dates as time goes on. If he isn't taking the time to schedule dates, don't beg him and find other men to go on dates with. He will either come around or he will get out. Either way, you will have clarity. Eventually, you will have enough rapport and ongoing discussions without the pressure or pheromones of post-sex to impact your judgement (oxytocin is a sneaky MOFO, even if you know the man is trash--it gives you FEELINGS) if you JUST KISS from beginning to at least 3 months. By 3 months, the man will make his intentions know if he sees this moving forward by him taking more lead or he will start to remain stagnant. Only then would I recommend opening up the conversation for anything beyond a kiss IMO. And my philosophy is the longer you wait for sex, the better. I would encourage you to be very "high school" about it and start with making out/fingers for 2weeks-6weeks, oral sex (mostly you then him IF AND ONLY IF he makes you get off) for awhile, then full on sex. I waited at least 3 months with the man I am dating now and we planned a romantic weekend getaway for "when we decided we were ready to take that step" in month 6 but covid ruined our plans with lockdown/traveling...with this said, he was willing to PLAN A WEEKEND VACATION WITH CANDLES AND ROMANTIC SHIT FOR US and although it felt very "high school prom night", it made me feel really good to know he cared that much about making me feel comfortable and safe. He told me he loved me by 3.5 months and he said "he knew it was real love because he never saw my body named and he only kissed me but knew it was real since he got to know my soul and he finds it the most beautiful part about me." This is a man who doesn't talk about feelings, but the fact that we didn't jump into sex had him shook. It only works thought if you work it and follow your truth/boundaries.
- Another perk of 3 month rule is: my shitty NVM cheated on me SO it also gave me time to get a STI/STD screening. I did not get a 6-12month follow up as recommended because of covid, but waiting at least 3 months gave my partner time to also get tested and put our health serious before that step too in an logical, adult, responsible manner.
To answer your question, yes it's weird to have sex with a man after a LTR. But the shit my ex-NVM was into was so dehumanizing and depraved over time that it really wore on me over time. The man I am dating now is into vanilla, healthy loving sex. He probably had wild days when he was younger and did "spicier stuff" as we all have done, but I find our sex life the best so far because we had a lot of deep conversations (non-sexual) and experiences that made the physical aspect heighten and enhance our relationship for the better. That's what you deserve. I don't find sex as fulfilling without the emotional intimacy and this really highlighted that for me.

sewingmachinesavior · 2020-08-21T18:04:39+00:00

I was in a very similar situation, leaving my long term marriage around the same age having slept with only 2 men ever.

Search this forum for “future faking”. I didn’t have a name for it until I found FDS, but I would say this is one of the most used tactics to get into your pants.

Men fetishize women who have very low body counts. They want to be the one to “corrupt” you. So don’t talk about it.

Men who don’t respect your boundaries via text or early on by pushing your sexual comfort levels need to be dumped immediately. They don’t respect you at all and never will.

Take AT LEAST a year or two, to get your footing, get therapy if you need it, and figure out who you are without a man. Find your purpose, and don’t let any man lure you away from your purpose.

Make it a priority to cultivate friendships with other women. These are the people who will have your back through life’s ups and downs.

And I agree with an earlier poster about REALLY learning and practicing pleasuring yourself well. It takes time. It can be awkward if you were raised very conservatively. But it’s important.

veruscka · 2020-08-21T17:12:39+00:00

Take it one step at a time! Don’t be alone with a date (or go to his house/let him be at your house) until you’re 100% comfortable. Dating should be a stress free experience for you. And please don’t feel rushed to jump into dating just because your ex moved on, it’s much better to be single and go at a slower pace IMO!

GlobalDynamicsEureka · 2020-08-21T19:46:03+00:00

I'm getting divorced, too. I had one other relationship before him. It has been 9 months since I left him. I'm not dating. I am not even going to be kissing anyone for a while. I'm not even sad about my divorce. Haven't ever been. So, if I'm not ready to be with anyone, I don't know how anyone who has any negative feelings about a divorce or break up can be ready after a few months. You need to figure out who you are as a single person after marriage. You were a unit for so long that you have to figure that out first. Then you have to be okay with that. There will be a point where you will just feel so happy that you're single that you won't want to date at all. Someone will have to try so hard to get you to consider it.

Femmexual · 2020-08-21T17:18:02+00:00

Take your time to heal and learn to love yourself. You don’t want to be with someone just for the sake of it. Then when you are ready, and however long or short that may be take your own baby steps to find someone. Seeking intimacy is a completely normal thing for humans so it’s only understandable that you’ll crave it. Men abound so don’t rush or feel desperate for finding one, they’ll be there. But don’t feel bad for wanting intimacy as well. Your husband as moved on and you need to focus on yourself sis. Don’t look at his relationship or his situation, just look inside of yourself. Hugs!

43rdaccount · 2020-08-21T22:40:40+00:00

theres great advice in this thread, all i wanted to add is that dont feel the need to "disclose" this fear unless you get to the 3+ months point and it's become relevant

in short dont be vulnerable when you dont need to. men might try to take advantage of it: they might sexualize it and treat you like an "innocent" to mold, they might use this information to present themselves deceivingly differently to you, they might neg/insult you about it... anyway theres no reason to mention it if it's early on -- it shouldnt affect anyone who is actually into you and wanting to form meaningful bonds with you

best wishes to a newly independent queen ~~ 💜

ashleecakes · 2020-08-21T23:16:23+00:00

Don’t have sex unless your heart feels safe boo. I’ve waited until then and I’ve STILL been ghosted after.

ChristianGirl93 · 2020-08-21T22:46:24+00:00

I’ll tell you this from my experience. It is the same with kissing, you can kiss people, but it only matters if the person matters to you, now there’s no way that you won’t compare the two a little like hmm.. this position used to work different for me, or hmm, that looks different, but it’s never a black and white ooh no this is not the same at all, it’s usually more of a learning process. It’s totally fine unless there’s sexual dysfunction girl, good luck.

_bethiebabes · 2020-08-22T17:42:10+00:00

More than anything, just take your time. I know you might be working through some feelings like you’re “running out of time” or something to that effect, but that’s so untrue!! You’re still very young, so try to wipe away those fears of “missing out”. Absolutely don’t let anyone, man or woman convince you that your best bet is to jump right into dating/sex to help you move on. Listen to yourself; you already know you’re not ready, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Your ex may be boning someone else already, but so what? If I want a new mattress, I’m going for a top of the line deluxe premium 16” gel and foam king size luxury mattress, I don’t care that I could have gotten a 30 year old, pee-stained crib mattress for free off craigslist because that’s not what I want in my bed.

AfraidofFollowers · 2020-08-23T13:52:07+00:00

Take time to heal.

If that moment of intamacy is in your future, then you’ll know what to do.

Title	Divorcing and I have only ever slept with my husband
Author	thelizziepants
Upvotes	51
Comments	16
Date	August 21, 2020 4:43 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ie09i0/divorcing_and_i_have_only_ever_slept_with_my/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/divorcing-and-i-have-only-ever-slept-with-my.168152 https://theredarchive.com/post/168152

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