drunk for 10 years (including cheating), cleaned up, implemented MRP, but have a problem

Sapphire_Jizz · 2015-11-18T03:33:59+00:00

I'm not an expert, but I think there a two issues here, and solving both won't be easy.

First issue, your SMV isn't high enough to warrant her giving you her best in the bedroom. She knows that she doesn't need to do these kinky things with you, because you aren't going anywhere (she even feels comfortable not ghosting this ex of hers... she's more outcome-independent than you are and has at least one branch to swing to. AWALT). You're still in her frame with these issues; too focused on how she won't do X, Y, or Z and, too focused on her ex and trying to micro-manage that. Stop listening to her hamster -- “She does not want to be dominated and her main excuse is that: 1. I did that with someone else when cheating 2. She has too much respect for her.” Do you think she would give these excuses to Chad?

How to solve this? Could be as simple as utilizing the solid frame you've cultivated for the last nine months, and leading her (through actions, not words) to the kinky places you want to go during sex. Make it fun and in the moment. She'll probably resist at first. In that case, disengage and do something better with your time. Continue to raise your SMV and slowly proceed through the dread levels as outlined by Bluepill Professor. Maybe she'll get there. Obvious disclaimer: this may lead to a Main-event and possibly divorce.

Second issue, she actually doesn't trust you or feel comfortable fully committing to you, because you were a drunk captain for years and cheated on her multiple times. Her actions are pretty clear: she still has major feels for her ex and is considering swinging to him. It's a funky cognitive dissonance. She's responding positively to many of your implementations of RP, but she doesn't respect you enough to give you the sex you want or to ghost her ex. She's undecided, in a state of limbo. You need to double-down on owning your shit, make your oak-frame even stronger, and kinda be like her Dad and lead her to a better place. I'm not sure on how to accomplish this, there's a lot of shit going on and I'd certainly like to hear more details about stuff (like where you're at with the dread levels.)

In conclusion, you need to simultaneously up the dread and SMV, as well as improve your oak-like presence to help her overcome her trust and comfort issues. Not gonna be easy and I can't tell you exactly how to do both.

BluepillProfessor · 2015-11-18T03:49:20+00:00

Torn between moving on, requesting my kinky desires or just taking it day by day.

Move on and take it day-by-day. Act as if nothing has happened. She pulled a fair quid-pro-quo. You cheated like a rabid dog and drank like an asshole, she exchanged some FB posts. Sounds like a fair exchange to me.

Normally you don't "request" your kinky desires. Get her wound up and then do it.

Also, I would key log her accounts.

FearDearg2015 · 2015-11-18T05:40:48+00:00

Get out of her frame. You are allowing her view of your past to colour your memory of it and the way it "affects your relationship".

When she brings up the past infidelity, she gets to watch you squirm for her. She hopes that by framing the past as something which persists into the present, you will attune your behaviour to what she thinks she wants. Her feelz are real for her, but you are letting them be real for you too.

If you are not cheating right now, and are in fact committed to making the marriage work, then firm up your frame and lead her out of the pity party that she is throwing for you guys.

As for her "emotional cheating", so what. AWALT. She literally craves feelz and you can't really complain that she got some. Physical cheating is a deal breaker for men, whereas emotional cheating is not. The opposite is true for women who are way more concerned by emotional cheating than physical. That's why she trys to bring up the emotional side of your infidelity. "but you did that with her" etc.

Agree and amplify. Amused mastery. And maybe throw in some comfort too if the situation calls for it. Help her navigate the stormy waters of her feelz. Your frame right now is a mess.

Are you cheating any more? No. So stop acting like your past has control over your present.

cegh · 2015-11-18T10:21:04+00:00

As you know from previous comments, she is branching out and your SMV is not as high as you think it is if she isn't willing to do kinky stuff with you.

"I was also clear that she will not respond to him unless I am aware. " Stop this right now. She shouldn't be talking to him, and she should also be telling him not to ever contact her again.

She is a woman, her role in mating etc is to accept a males advance. If she allows it, she is doing the same thing as a male going out to flirt with other women. You can even tell her that. Any answer she gives, you stick to it.

You need to start setting some boundaries for yourself but also some respectable boundaries. IE:

You shouldn't let your wife be talking to an EX, regardless.
Any man that hits on your wife, it should be up to the wife to dismiss his advances and shut him down.

Having boundaries is not negotiating desire. You are well within your right to state "If you talk to your ex, you are forcing me to leave". It's important you say it this way because you are telling her you have a boundary and if she crosses that boundary, it's her fault you are leaving not yours.

Don't bring it up you want to dominate her, men action, women talk. So instead of asking her to do kinky stuff, just start doing it until you get a hard no.

Your role in this relationship is commitment, her role is sex. If she isn't doing her duty, take yours away. Some people say not to withdraw all your affection at once ie kissing, hugging, talking, listening etc but you give what you get. So if she does some kinky stuff but not as much as you like, you reward it.

Don't complain when she gives you a hard no, go silent. There is nothing to talk about. Then withdraw affection.

After you set your boundaries, you have to stick to them. You can even tell her if she accepts this guys advances then you will leave.

The problem is because your SMV is not high she will probably do this in secret because of your cheating. You're setting the boundary too late. Be prepared to find your wife lying to you about not talking to him. Then you have 2 choices:

If you find out, leave her.
Improve your SMV, remove your commitment and hope she will stay with you.

My personal opinion is you should leave her and find someone else. You've rocked your boat too much, you will spend 10 times as much to get your SMV back with your wife compared to meeting another woman. Not to mention if you do have high SMV you can get a woman in her 20's-30's.

Scurvemuch · 2015-11-18T13:19:51+00:00

You keep saying your SMV is higher than hers. Maybe to Some other female it is. And maybe to her it is.

Your SMV is how a woman perceives it. Not how you do.

So as much as you can be He- Man , it is obviously Not high Enough.

What are you willing to take away from her and to what extent for breaking your stated boundary ? Resources to take away include financial , time and attention.

So what are you willing to do?

marxistbacon · 2015-11-18T13:21:12+00:00

She's using your cheating as hamster food to justify her doing what she wants to be doing anyways - getting tingles from her ex. And now she also gets to play the "how far can I push it?" game for extra drama and excitement

You're trying to control her directly, whereas you want to set and enforce boundaries instead. A subtle difference. You can't control her or her feeling. There's no mention of what you said would happen if she texted her ex back, and all you did was get annoyed. No consequences = no boundary. Your boundaries are about how you react and respond for your own behalf, for your own protection.

spexer · 2015-11-18T14:15:48+00:00

I know that I should communicate clearly my expectations (I feel that after 9 months of implementing MRP I can do that)

this is wrong. you are talking way too much. Stop having conversations where you are laying out demands and expectations. This is MRP 101 - you know you lead by actions, not words or threats.

Just from reading your posts, I can see you also have a lot of covert contracts.. from how she should act because you stopped porn, from expectations on her sexual behavior because of AWALT. Stop expecting any treatment you think you deserve. You have earned nothing.

And now you are trying to keep her faithful by controlling her? You keep her faithful by being amazing. You get her kinky in bed by being amazing.

Seriously, you need to re-read the sidebar. You have misunderstood many of the key principles here. Hell, in your post you are THANKING US for having the guts to talk to her. Who advised that?

It seems silly but I am afraid that this will be constantly on my mind.

This is your hamster. do not feed it. do not think it will be made happy by your talking your feeeelings. Take your hamster to the iron temple, forge him into anger for the next workout. that is the only release he gets.

WhiteTrashKiller · 2015-11-18T17:52:59+00:00

OP has got some solid advice here, However what he has failed to share is "How the relationship started". Were you friends? Did you settle for each other, decided yeah we could do this. Or did she in the beginning get so wet even being around you that she craved any physical affection you would give her? Did her body physically go into withdrawl and ache without you?

All of these questions get to the root of your relationship. If you started as Beta, handsome nice guy, Alpha everywhere else but at home, etc. No matter what you do to raise your SMV she will always see you as a Beta and there is nothing you can do about it. Time and Time again you read on here that when a man improves himself, raises his game his wife suddenly acts different, sex is on the table again, etc. Then she slides back a little and you wonder wait "I am still improving, gaining muscle, losing body fat, earning more, being the captain, hell even getting IOI's from other more attractive women yet the slide back to mediocrity continues for her. Why?"

Cause you never had it in the first place buddy! You never will with her, she has displayed some basic mate retention attributes after your improvement, but it is most likely limited to your resources and not your man juice(which if it were she would surely drink every drop and wear it like perfume). OP do you think this ex of hers wouldn't have his thumb up her ass going doggy? Everything is on the menu for him, from the little you shared she may have been alpha widowed and I got news for you coming in second is still the first loser.

You could find someone new, start this relationship from the get go in a position of power. You need to care less, what's the difference if she contacts this guy? She has already cheated on you(emotionally at best). Who fucking cares if you cheated, she stayed right, she accpeted you have options right? She will most likely stay again if you go elsewhere, so go elsewhere. If she is locked into you for resources, so be it. You need a mother for your children and that is her value to your relationship. Use the value you have to secure the sex you want elsewhere. A women will accept you stepping out as long as the embarrasing details don't get out kr your provisions do not go to someone else.

She is not your equal stop treating her as one.......

UEMcGill · 2015-11-19T04:12:19+00:00

....She has put up with my drunk capitaness for too long, cheating, etc. and it's only fair to give her the same chance. But after having read 100's of MRP messages, I am confused how I go about it

This is a load of horseshit. There's nothing fair in life or in marriage. There's no tit-for-tat. Either you move on or your don't. You give because you are free an unencumbered to do so. You let a woman in your life because she adds value to your life. There's no value in the past, it's gone.

You need to look at this as is she a good woman who can add value to my life? Can I give to her without covert contracts and do so freely? Can I continue to be a good Captain and lead my family? What's your goal? Your singular purpose? How do you move forward so that these things add to that?

exbp · 2015-11-19T18:02:26+00:00

Fact #1: When she was alone at home she likely had sex with the ex. Your description of what she's said since then is text book Trickle Truth^TM - she only tells you enough to fit what you discovered and to make you stop asking questions. If you discover more the story will change to accommodate the new facts, but it will always protect her.

If she was truly bothered by talking to her ex she'd block his number or she'd deal with it herself. She's not bothered and she likes it. She's a bit worried at the thought of losing you so she's kind of playing by your "rules" when she interacts with the ex.

Fact #2: She knows you want kinky sex but refuses. Why? Because she doesn't see you as valuable enough to perform for.

Conclusion: Make yourself valuable. Show her that others find you desirable. She won't be scared of losing you, she'll actively work to keep you. You won't have to ask for kinky stuff, she'll make up new kinky stuff on her own to keep you.

ms9999 · 2015-11-20T20:06:45+00:00

After 15 years of having the finances together, I decided to completely separate them. She will have no access to my account, and I am thinking of assigning budgets to food, clothing, entertainment, etc.

Discussion will take place tonight so it will be intersting. To the point, clear rules, no chit chat. Hold frame. Any other tips?

And I know she will say it's because of what she did. Should I say: 'you bet' or 'no, I just want to become a better leader for our family'

Title	drunk for 10 years (including cheating), cleaned up, implemented MRP, but have a problem
Author	ms9999
Upvotes	9
Comments	35
Date	November 17, 2015 10:44 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/3t7vub/drunk_for_10_years_including_cheating_cleaned_up/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/drunk-for-10-years-including-cheating-cleaned-up.200701 https://theredarchive.com/post/200701

Comments