As I near what I think is the end of my marriage, I thought I'd post an update. My last submission was a little over a month ago. The phases I'm referring to in the title are from "Stating Your Intentions Clearly" and " Giving Up on Her" from Kay's Married Man Sex Life Primer, a prerequisite for the journey.

 

Right now, I'm sitting here in the living room in the evening after work. My wife called me about an hour ago to say that she was out shopping for a few things, didn't know when she was coming home (I kept the conversation short, exchanging a couple of pleasantries and asking if she wanted to join me for exercise tonight; she didn't respond when I eventually said goodbye). We entered the "let's try living together with no expectations" stage this past weekend. Here's a little info about how we got here (highlights from the past month and a half or so):

 

  • Lots and lots of bad attitude on her part. Sometimes, I would use the correct techniques and squash. Other times, however, I did too much talking and gave too much attention.
  • At least two more episodes of her getting mad, me "making it worse," her exploding, and then either her leaving or preventing me from leaving.
  • We haven’t slept in the same bed in I don’t know how long. It started with a cycle of me disturbing her too much while she was sleeping, her waking me up, and then me getting up to sleep elsewhere. What it’s become, however, is my just preferring to sleep apart; less bullshit, arguing, no disturbing her, no waking me up in the middle of the night, etc. As recently as this week she invited me to sleep with her; I refused.
  • Probably no more than sex a little more than once per week, on average. We had one week where we engaged at least four times, but things went sour again after that.
  • After a particularly emotional episode, we planned and went on a vacation at her request. During this vacation, one of our main attractions was arguing. On at least two occasions during the three-day vacation, we spent over an hour at a time talking about our marriage, typically involving the exchange of ultimatums (her) and statements of what would happen in order for us to remain married (mostly me). During a good talk, however, she called me the “family captain.”
  • Multiple phone calls to me at work the day after a fight/event. Most of the time, the phone calls go the same way: 1. She very proudly proclaims that she is unhappy; 2. She tells me that I need to fix things and stop making broken promises about paying attention to her, showing her love, etc.; 3. She very nearly explodes when I tell her that I understand how she feels and am working on things, including the issues she has presented.
  • I once left her at the grocery store. An argument began because I responded to her shitty attitude. She than began to raise her voice in the busy store, until I told her that we were going to walk somewhere else a little more private to talk for a couple of minutes. She refused, so I walked away to go and do some more food hunting. Upon running into her, she escalated the loudness and verbal lesson-teaching to the point that people were watching as they walked by. I told her, one last time, to come with me to the car and we would talk it out when we got home. She refused. This time when I walked away, I stayed in the car for a while, eventually going back towards the store on foot to find her getting into a cab.
  • As I continue to get myself into shape and dress better (getting comments at work), she doesn’t, though she talks about it and occasionally dabbles. Part of the element of sex is that I just don’t find her particularly sexy right now, except for a few instances here and there. It’s especially bad when she is acting terribly; this effect astonishes me, but I guess it makes some sense.
  • Loads and loads of profanity from her to me. She has explained that she feels justified in using it when I upset her enough. That’s her prerogative.
  • A particularly amusing conversation during which she said, "Wonder why they always say, 'Happy wife, happy life'? Don't you think there's some truth?" I actually chuckled at this.

 

I’m to the point that I really doubt her value to me. I recently found evidence that I was considering divorce over two years ago; we haven’t even been married for three yet. Her SMV has been declining, she doesn’t cook or clean anywhere near as much as she used to. We planned on having kids before we got married; nowadays, I outright refuse until I see much continued/sustained improvement in attitude and behavior on her part.

 

The aforementioned exchange this past weekend which led to the “no expectations” agreement was eventful, to say the least. We were on our way home from an event (I planned and treated her to it, by the way), I was pissed about a specific display of her shitty behavior, and I explained to her that she had been acting like a “cunt” that day and prior to that. While I didn’t outright say, “You are a cunt,” the effect was similar. When we pulled over and talked, she explained that she hasn’t been OK and still doesn’t forgive me for the long time I spent away from home on business last year. I reminded her that things were bad before that as well. She eventually suggested that we try coexisting without expectations of each other, working our way towards starting over and courting each other. It feels like we’re separated but living together.

 

My MAP continues to evolve and unfold. I’m primarily focused on: 1. Physical improvement; 2. Mental/emotional improvement; 3. Exit strategy and preparation; 4. Social interactions with others. I have been through Phase 4 (stated my intentions) at least twice now. Mentally, and sometimes aloud, I have been through Phase 5 (giving up on her) as well. I feel like I have almost checked out completely. I catch myself sometimes looking for other places to live. I am thinking about being single as much as I am thinking about sex. I don’t claim to be perfect, but I think often that it’s pretty obvious that my wife doesn’t respect me. I have stopped expecting praise or concern for my well-being; I have also stopped paying too much attention to her needs.

 

Here are some of the useful words this sub has offered along the way and have stuck with me through this:

/u/theultmatecad:

Continue your path. The attitude should be that your train keeps going whether she is on board or not. You'd prefer she come for the ride but you cant control jer and dont wany to try. Good luck

 

/u/jacktenofhearts:

My only suggestion is that if you do move out, own it. Don't move out because you think it'll make her more upset than you. That's stupid. Move out because you think that's the best path forward in your life.

 

/u/whinemoreplease:

Continuing with what /u/slimcoat said, you should not waste any time or effort on a person who doesn't make your life better. Imo, you're doing well and you will come out of this better -- whether that's alone (relatively speaking, plates amirite?) or with your wife next to you seems to be mostly in her hands now. Personally, I would feel so much disgust and disdain for a person who acts like a child.

 

/r/bluepillprofessor:

She can be your lover or your mother. Pick one.

 

If you have constructive criticism, please share. Either way, stay strong and stick to your MAP.