TheRedArchive

~ archived since 2018 ~

  • Subreddits

      Popular

    • /r/askTRP
    • /r/TheRedPill
    • /r/MarriedRedPill
    • /r/MensRights
    • /r/MGTOW
    • /r/PurplePillDebate
    • /r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen
    • /r/seduction
    • /r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates

      • Other

      • /r/AllPillDebate
      • /r/AlreadyRed
      • /r/altTRP
      • /r/AntiFeminists
      • /r/askFDS
      • /r/askMRP
      • /r/askRPC
      • /r/becomeaman
      • /r/BlackPillScience
      • /r/Chadfish
      • /r/Divorce_Men
      • /r/EverydayMisandry
      • /r/ExRedPill
      • /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
      • /r/FeminismStopsWhen
      • /r/GEOTRP
      • /r/MalePsychology
      • /r/Male_Studies
      • /r/MenSupportMen
      • /r/MGTOW2
      • /r/MuslimRedPill
      • /r/newTRP
      • /r/PussyPass
      • /r/PussyPassDenied
      • /r/RedPillBooks
      • /r/RedPillParenting
      • /r/RedPillWives
      • /r/RedPillWomen
      • /r/RedPillWorkplace
      • /r/RPChristians
      • /r/ThankTRP
      • /r/TheRedPillStories
      • /r/trpGAME
      • /r/TRPOffTopic
      • /r/TrueBlackPillMGTOW
      • /r/WhereAllTheGoodMenAre
  • Blogs

      Popular

    • A Voice for Men
    • Dalrock
    • Good Looking Loser
    • Heartiste
    • Married Man Sex Life
    • Return of Kings
    • The Power Moves
    • The Rational Male
    • The Spearhead

      • Other

      • Alpha Game
      • Archwinger
      • Artful Prudence
      • Black Label Logic
      • Caleb Jones
      • Captain Capitalism
      • Corporate Machiavelli
      • Days of Game
      • Deep Strength
      • Dicipres
      • Donal Graeme
      • Female Misogynist
      • Free Northerner
      • Gaming My Wife
      • Hawaiian Libertarian
      • Illimitable Men
      • In Mala Fide
      • Justice for Men and Boys
      • Kill Your Inner Loser
      • KillToParty
      • Krauser PUA
      • LaidNYC
      • Mensactivism
      • NO MA'AM
      • Omega Virgin Revolt
      • Pook's Mill
      • Random Xpat Rantings
      • Red Pill Theory
      • Red Pill Wifery
      • RedPillDad
      • RedPillDoctor
      • Rian Stone
      • RooshV
      • Seasons of Tumult and Discord
      • Sigma Frame
      • The Feminine Woman
      • The Futurist
      • The Masculine Principle
      • The Modern Man
      • The New Modern Man
      • The Obsidian Files
      • The Private Man
      • The Red Pill Room
      • The Red Quest
      • The Rules Revisited
      • Troy Francis
      • Wintery Knight
      • Woujo
      • Young Man Red Pill
  • Books
  • Dictionary
  • @TRParchive
  • Support

How do you guys react/handle when something you say hurts your wife (when you didn't mean to hurt her)? Do you apologize? Examples would be nice.

[deleted]

December 25, 2014
0 upvotes
/r/MarriedRedPill
Archived from /r/MarriedRedPill

r/MarriedRedPill is a community for red pill men that are dedicated to applying red pill concepts in marriage or in Long Term Relationships.

TheRedArchive is an archive of Red Pill subreddits and blogs. This page is our copy of the original post.

/r/MarriedRedPill archive

Download the post

Want to save the post for offline use on your device? Choose one of the download options below:

PDF TXT EPUB
Support the archive

Everything here was supposed to disappear. Banned subreddits, deleted communities, cancelled blogs — much of what is archived here survives nowhere else.

It stays free — no paywall, no account — for the next man who comes looking, the way it was free for you.

I pay for the servers, the storage and the bandwidth myself. If you want this record still standing in ten years, become one of the people who keeps it online.

Support the archive

Share
Share Tweet Reddit Email
Post Information
Title How do you guys react/handle when something you say hurts your wife (when you didn't mean to hurt her)? Do you apologize? Examples would be nice.
Author

[deleted]
Upvotes 0
Comments 29
Date December 25, 2014 3:07 PM UTC
(11 years ago)
Subreddit Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/2qd7rz/how_do_you_guys_reacthandle_when_something_you/
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/how-do-you-guys-reacthandle-when-something-you-say.202751
https://theredarchive.com/post/202751

Comments

[–]BluepillProfessorMarried-MRP MODERATOR12 points13 points14 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

Not sure about the parenthetical (when you didn't mean to hurt her). Are there times when you DO mean to hurt her?

You need to step back and decide if OBJECTIVELY what you said was hurtful or if she is just being a woman attention whoring and/or Shit Testing. If the latter don't validate her irrational emotions. If YOU are in the wrong AND her emotions are objectively reasonable then apologize briefly without explanation and move on.

I recall Captain Picard (after Data died) committed the ultimate faux pas on the Bridge when he ordered a change in course and started by saying, "Mr. Data, change co.........(entire bridge crew looks at him horrified with a pregnant pause). Picard IMMEDIATELY turned around and said: "My apologies....set course..."

TLDR: Leaders Lead. They even lead the apology when it is warranted but they don't dwell on it. Master your emotions and you will gain mastery over hers.

[–]TA_2985_A6E1_9FC32 points 11 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

This!

[–]GentleGiant3501 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Did you mean to hurt her at the time, and regret it later? If so, stop doing that. it's childish and petty and not befitting an unplugged man. Apologize. Don't explain, don't justify, don't try to make her understand why you did it - that's just compounding the problem. Just apologize. "Sorry I said that, honey." It's that simple.

If you said something that hurt her, but didn't mean to, then you have to analyze what you said.

If what you said was an objective truth that she took offense to, I'd leave it alone.

If what you said was simply misunderstood, then you have to decide whether her offense is just a shit test or is honest hurt. If so, I would go with an agree and amplify - "you're right, I'm an insensitive, obtuse prick and the only way to punish me is angry sex, right now, on the coffee table." Then maybe an instant's worth of seriousness to say a quick "sorry" then follow through with your promise of angry sex.

Just don't let her take the situation into her frame, keep it in yours. That's why you don't justify, explain, or otherwise. Just apologize, since your frame is that you said something you regret and want to apologize. Anything more is accepting her frame, and women don't like that - it's sycophantic and not sexy or manly.

[–]jcrpta5 points6 points7 points 11 years ago (18 children) | Copy Link

You again?

Let me ask you a few questions. Some are very personal, but I assure you they're being asked for a reason. Answer all of them honestly.

  • You mentioned in an earlier post that your wife has been known to fawn over movie stars and the likes. Tell me, do you earn movie star wages? Very good wages? Average? Below average?
  • Following on from this, tell me about your expenses. Have you, at any point in the last two years, had to worry about how you're going to pay the bills? If the answer is "yes", does your wife know about this worry?
  • Strip to your underwear and stand in front of a full length mirror. (I am not joking. Do it). Do you see a man who could audition for the next Rocky movie? Or a man for whom "six pack" conjures up images of beer?
  • Think back to the arguments you've had with your wife. On the whole, have you taken control, said "This stops. Now." and meant it? Or have you spent hours bickering and by the time you finish you've forgotten what you were arguing about in the first place?
  • Tell me about your sex life. Are you fucking her brains out a minimum of five times a week? Or are you getting laid once a month in a way that makes you think she's just longing for you to ejaculate, roll over and go to sleep?
  • Without looking it up, do you know what the word "hypergamy" means?
  • When was the last time you took your wife out for dinner?
  • When was the last time you laughed at yourself?
  • Tell me about your wardrobe. Do you own any items of clothing that are worn out? That were a mistake to buy in the first place? That are unflattering? That no longer fit?
  • Tell me about where you live. Is everything in good repair? Is it recently, tastefully decorated? Is the flooring worn out? Does the heating work efficiently?
  • Tell me about your diet. Do you make an effort to eat healthily? Or is that pretty low on your priorities list?
  • When was the last time you went on holiday to a country that neither of you have visited before?

If you've truly swallowed the red pill, you know exactly how you SHOULD answer every single one of those questions. If you can't give the right answer to most of them, then RP or not, you are not ready to deal with your relationship with your wife yet. Don't even bother trying.

[–]LifeChoiceReflectorUnplugging1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link

You again.

Thanks for MMSL Primer. I purchased it yesterday and currently reading it.

I know what answers to give to your questions to pass the RP test, but many of the real answers are downright embarrassing. However, I'm baring my cards to you because you seem genuinely concerned, and because it feels good to confide in someone my shortcomings. To preserve what little dignity I have left, I'm sending the answers in a private message.

[–]jcrpta6 points7 points8 points 11 years ago* (5 children) | Copy Link

I asked you those questions because you're obviously not asking them yourself.

You should be.

Nobody in this sub is perfect. In fact, to demonstrate this, I'm going to answer them for myself - and I invite others to do the same.

  • You mentioned in an earlier post that your wife has been known to fawn over movie stars and the likes. Tell me, do you earn movie star wages? Very good wages? Average? Below average?

Well above average, but not what I'd call "very good". I need to apply myself quite considerably to get to that point.

  • Following on from this, tell me about your expenses. Have you, at any point in the last two years, had to worry about how you're going to pay the bills? If the answer is "yes", does your wife know about this worry?

Yes, I had to close my business down about a year ago. She's aware of the fact that things were bad; she supported me in taking a job.

  • Strip to your underwear and stand in front of a full length mirror. (I am not joking. Do it). Do you see a man who could audition for the next Rocky movie? Or a man for whom "six pack" conjures up images of beer?

I need to lose at least three stone (42lb). I've put an app on my phone to count calories and I'm using it to ensure I don't overeat.

  • Think back to the arguments you've had with your wife. On the whole, have you taken control, said "This stops. Now." and meant it? Or have you spent hours bickering and by the time you finish you've forgotten what you were arguing about in the first place?

Bickering, though I've been taking a firmer approach lately. It works extremely well; I'd never have had the confidence to do it a year ago.

  • Tell me about your sex life. Are you fucking her brains out a minimum of five times a week? Or are you getting laid once a month in a way that makes you think she's just longing for you to ejaculate, roll over and go to sleep?

I've gone into "Monk mode" - I was getting duty sex once a week anyway (it would be hilarious if it wasn't tragic; she'd have sex on EITHER a Saturday or Sunday morning but never both yet insisted we were doing it lots more; the power of the hamster knows no bounds), so this wasn't a great loss.

I've told my wife I'm not asking her for sex any more (which she's been moaning about for ages anyway); what I'm not telling her is I'm using this time productively. Next time I initiate sex, my SMV is going to be a hell of a lot higher.

  • Without looking it up, do you know what the word "hypergamy" means?

Yes, it means "ready to drop your partner the instant a better offer presents itself".

  • When was the last time you took your wife out for dinner?

For something fancier than the local curry house, I honestly can't remember. Shit, I need to rectify that.

  • When was the last time you laughed at yourself?

I always used to take myself way too seriously. This winds up in a huge DLV - it comes across as insecurity. Working on this.

  • Tell me about your wardrobe. Do you own any items of clothing that are worn out? That were a mistake to buy in the first place? That are unflattering? That no longer fit?

Yes. I've had to tighten the finances considerably in the last few months but I should be able to release the purse strings a bit in the new year which I'll use to refresh the wardrobe.

  • Tell me about where you live. Is everything in good repair? Is it recently, tastefully decorated? Is the flooring worn out? Does the heating work efficiently?

It's about an hour and a quarter's drive from work, which is a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing because it means once I'm away from work, I'm really away - staying an "extra ten minutes" at the office can royally fuck up the commute, so it's not something I want to be making a habit of. It's a curse because it adds two and a half hours onto every working day - by the time I get home, I'm barely fit to remember my own name. It forces me to drive the most frugal vehicle I could find and if I keep this job for any length of time, I'll have killed off the car about six months before I've finished paying for it.

The decoration is slightly tired, particularly in the bathroom. The kitchen is in good repair but isn't particularly well laid out.

  • Tell me about your diet. Do you make an effort to eat healthily? Or is that pretty low on your priorities list?

The calorie counting I was talking about earlier has made a huge difference there. Cooking from scratch is a huge help - it's really quite difficult to eat unhealthily every day when you cook real food from scratch.

  • When was the last time you went on holiday to a country that neither of you have visited before?

When we went on honeymoon in 2009 - though we did recently visit France, which I haven't visited since I was about 14 on a French exchange.

[–]GentleGiant3500 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Interesting set of questions. I feel compelled to answer them honestly, myself.

<i>You mentioned in an earlier post that your wife has been known to fawn over movie stars and the likes. Tell me, do you earn movie star wages? Very good wages? Average? Below average?</i>

Above average for where we live, but we're not insanely wealthy. My biggest asset is that I'm shrewd with money, so I managed to pay our house off in 8 years, so no mortgage means a lot more disposable income.

<i>Following on from this, tell me about your expenses. Have you, at any point in the last two years, had to worry about how you're going to pay the bills? If the answer is "yes", does your wife know about this worry?</i>

No. Not even now that I've lost my job due to health issues. We're just fine.

<i>Strip to your underwear and stand in front of a full length mirror. (I am not joking. Do it). Do you see a man who could audition for the next Rocky movie? Or a man for whom "six pack" conjures up images of beer?</i>

Ugh. This is the one that I've been dreading. I've been sick for about four years now - psoriasis, psoriatic arthritis, and a heart tumor that lead to heart surgery in September (and about 12 months of being fatigued and tired and totally worthless - hence my lost job). I'm covered in a scabby rash, I'm 75 pounds overweight, and I've lost most of my muscle mass (I used to be huge - could bench 425 pounds when wife and I met). I am a mere shell of the man I used to be, and I am ashamed by that. I have been released to full active duty by my doc last week. Day four in the gym is today. So sore... so, so sore...

<i>Think back to the arguments you've had with your wife. On the whole, have you taken control, said "This stops. Now." and meant it? Or have you spent hours bickering and by the time you finish you've forgotten what you were arguing about in the first place?</i>

I do not put up with arguing or bickering. More often than not, by about minute 7 or 8 of her not dropping it, I tell her that it ends now, and she either stops, or I leave. She stops more often than not because she hates it when I leave, because I go no contact for the rest of the day, at minimum. Life is too short, and I spend too much time arguing with people as it is. I shouldn't have to put up with that from my wife - the one person who should be on my side rather than opposed to me. I've told her as much.

<i>Tell me about your sex life. Are you fucking her brains out a minimum of five times a week? Or are you getting laid once a month in a way that makes you think she's just longing for you to ejaculate, roll over and go to sleep?</i>

Even with me sick, we were screwing like minks multiple times a week. She's pregnant now, 5 months along, so sexy time is fewer and further between now. She feels like shit, and to be honest, so do I, so we're both sort of okay with a bit of "once a weeker" syndrome at the moment. I won't let it go on for too long, though, because I recognize the threat in allowing this for too long.

<i>Without looking it up, do you know what the word "hypergamy" means?</i>

Yes. it means that my wife is hard wired by her own biology to always be trying to one-up me. To always be looking for a better deal. A better man. And if I don't want her to do that, I need to continually prove to her that I AM the better man she's looking for. It's been pretty hard recently. Heart problems are a sonofabitch.

<i>When was the last time you took your wife out for dinner?</i>

Too long. God, has it really been New Years of last year? We did a black tie thing - me in a tuxedo and her in an evening gown. Dinner at a $70 a plate restaurant, LIMOUSINE, the works. But it's been a while now. Shit.

<i>When was the last time you laughed at yourself?</i>

Ten seconds ago when I wrote the last response.

<i>Tell me about your wardrobe. Do you own any items of clothing that are worn out?</i>

Hell yes, but I also work with my hands a lot around the house, so I only wear the ratty stuff when I'm doing ratty tasks. Which, as it were, the Missus finds very hot. Nothing screams "man who knows his shit" than re-plumbing your entire basement when you aren't a plumber, but know how to do it because you think specialization is for insects. Change our own oil, do 99.9% of our mechanic work - even rebuilding engines when needed. The only thing I don't do is the electronic stuff because I don't have the necessary computer programs and such to do it. I pay the dealer to scan codes, let them tell me what the problem is, then I fix the problem myself.

<i>That were a mistake to buy in the first place?</i>

Yeah, the Santa-themed banana hammock was probably a bad plan, given the rash and my being overweight... :)

Yes, but I don't wear clothes that don't fit well. If it was a mistake, it gets goodwilled or "back-of-closeted" quickly.

<i> That are unflattering? That no longer fit?</i>

See above

<i>Tell me about where you live. Is everything in good repair? Is it recently, tastefully decorated? Is the flooring worn out? Does the heating work efficiently?</i>

I did a full remodel, including the kitchen, over the last 3 years. The house when we bought it was a wreck. It's now worth three times what we paid for it and looks absolutely amazing. That whole "keeping ratty clothing around for ratty tasks" works out fine. I did it all, even the electrical and the framing and drywall. Knocking out walls, plumbing in new fixtures, big ass soaking tub... The only thing I did not do was build the cabinets for the kitchen. I hired that out to a custom cabinet shop because I don't have the tools or time to build cabinets.

<i>Tell me about your diet. Do you make an effort to eat healthily? Or is that pretty low on your priorities list?</i>

We eat very healthily. I do all the cooking, because I love cooking, and no, that's not beta when you do something you love and excel at it, even if that thing is cooking. We rarely eat out (which is the worst health wise - you would never, ever feed yourself the way that restaurants will cook for you - butter and salt, baby).

<i>When was the last time you went on holiday to a country that neither of you have visited before?</i>

Belieze 2004, Mexico 2005, and Hawaii in 2010 and 2012. I know Hawaii isn't another country, but the new baby born in 2011 didn't have a passport so we couldn't go "out of country".

[–]strategos_autokratorMan, Married, Mod-1 points0 points1 point 11 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

I applaud your honesty to yourself by sharing all these things. Exercises like this are what makes us ultimately the judges of our own actions, which makes us men. This shows by example what the OP must do.

However, I can see you have been trying to get this persistent OP to convince him to start this process of self-examination. Clearly he isn't interested in it. This is why he will keep coming here over and over asking for advice about how to fight with his wife, instead of owning his shit. Until OP takes that brave lonely step and becomes an honest judge of his own shit, he is a lost cause. We can't make him do it. If he decides to do it, we will be here to hear him, and share how we did it, our challenges and victories. But we can't make him want to do it.

It is a very scary step to admit all this shit. We have to be very brave to do it. Not everyone is. I'm always surprised about how many people come here claiming to have read NMMNG, but then it is obvious they didn't pay attention, nor did the activities, nor can even admit their crap and mistakes in an anonymous forum. That is how insecure they are. Those that aren't brave enough to admit their shit can read the whole sidebar and memorize everything, and never become men that women want.

[–]jcrpta1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

However, I can see you have been trying to get this persistent OP to convince him to start this process of self-examination. Clearly he isn't interested in it. This is why he will keep coming here over and over asking for advice about how to fight with his wife, instead of owning his shit. Until OP takes that brave lonely step and becomes an honest judge of his own shit, he is a lost cause. We can't make him do it. If he decides to do it, we will be here to hear him, and share how we did it, our challenges and victories. But we can't make him want to do it.

This is where we disagree.

OP has responded by private message - as he chose to keep it private, I shall respect his privacy and I won't share details of what we've discussed.

IMV, while pretty much every man on here has come from a pretty bad place, we vary in terms of how bad it is and where we are in the process of trying to sort ourselves out.

I don't think it's fair to treat him as a worthless case. We were all there once.

I think it's far more likely that he's started looking on here, recognises that it makes a lot of sense but is overwhelmed and intimidated by the sheer number of things in his life that he needs to look at. My guess is he needs slightly more direction and structure than most to get started. I've pointed him to Athol Kay's "Mindful Attraction Plan" because it provides exactly that.

(FWIW, I may be projecting slightly, as most of these things apply to me too!)

[–]strategos_autokratorMan, Married, Mod1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm not saying he is a worthless case. I am saying that giving him advice about how to argue with his wife (which is all he has asked for) is not going to help him until he starts asking the right questions about how to improve himself.

My comment should be read as applauding you for focusing on what is key, while challenging HIM to take that step. This is HIS choice to make, and if he doesn't do it, neither you nor anyone will help him. If he wants to improve his life, he must take that step. None of us here can help him fight with his wife. We can all support him to improve himself. Once he understand that distinctinction and starts asking the right questions, he will get a lot of value from this subreddit. I'm particularly surprised that he claims to have read NMMNG, but he is still not willing to discuss covert contracts, resentment, and all his other issues he has to work on. Essentially, he isn't owning his shit, at least not in his public posts. I hope he starts doing that in his PMs!

A good place to start for someone in his position is to be honest how he isn't a captain, and start looking at himself, and asking how to start taking control of himself first

[–]jcrpta0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Ah, with you. I misunderstood your post.

Agree entirely. There's a reason I didn't try and put words in his mouth - OP is not well served by that right now.

[–]MarriedAsFuckMarried1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link

You suggested we all answer this, so here you go.

  • You mentioned in an earlier post that your wife has been known to fawn over movie stars and the likes. Tell me, do you earn movie star wages? Very good wages? Average? Below average?

I own two successful businesses I created from the ground up. Both have about 20 high skilled full time employees, which puts our payroll just north of $1 million a year. My paycheck is 5Xs what my wife's is. I also am a 25% owner of an investment group that is opening a chain of QSRs. We currently have 2 open with 9 more locations purchased.

In short, no movie star wages, but well above average, and I set my own salary. I could have grown my businesses to ridiculous status by now and be filthy rich; I'm an extremely honest person, and have integrity. So it's successful, and I can sleep at night.

I have to keep up with my personal financial statements every year (it's part of owning businesses and being in an investment group), I'm currently valued at just north of $1.5 million. Nothing major, but enough to "keep the food on the table."

  • Following on from this, tell me about your expenses. Have you, at any point in the last two years, had to worry about how you're going to pay the bills? If the answer is "yes", does your wife know about this worry?

No. Not until recently. I say this because my dad owned a company. When he died, he passed it onto my mom, who entrusted my brother in law to run it; he ran it into the ground. Now I'm getting saddled with the IRS debt and having to support her. This all came to a head on Tuesday. Yes, my wife has known about this, as it's been an ongoing drama for the last ~3 years. She is very insistent that I keep her in the loop concerning this, as she's affected by it too.

  • Strip to your underwear and stand in front of a full length mirror. (I am not joking. Do it). Do you see a man who could audition for the next Rocky movie? Or a man for whom "six pack" conjures up images of beer?

I'm currently active in Jiu Jitsu 5-6 days a week and lifting 3 days a week. I need to lose another 15 lbs of fat, and put on another 15lbs of muscle. All goals for 2015. That said, in Jiu Jitsu, I kick college students, police officers, and grown men's asses every week who are in prime shape. So while I'm not going to audition for rocky anytime soon, I can keep my own; and my wife sees me in action, as we have a workout space with mats, and I have guys over every so often to spar. She knows I'm a beast when it comes to fighting.

  • Think back to the arguments you've had with your wife. On the whole, have you taken control, said "This stops. Now." and meant it? Or have you spent hours bickering and by the time you finish you've forgotten what you were arguing about in the first place?

A little of column A, a little of column B. I've been working on red pill for a few months, so I have a ways to go; but I've been stepping up my game. My father was captain blue pill, so it's been a lot of rewiring the brain for me. My wife has been complaining about not being respected enough lately, so I'll see if I can fix that. But in all, I am trying to drive the conversations lately. I'm doing better, but have large strides to make.

  • Tell me about your sex life. Are you fucking her brains out a minimum of five times a week? Or are you getting laid once a month in a way that makes you think she's just longing for you to ejaculate, roll over and go to sleep?

Short version: maybe 2-3 times a week at best. This is up from the 1-2 times a month before red pill. But when we do fuck, it's a lot more fucking and a lot less rubbing. She use to make me "get her in the mood" first. I put an end to that; 30 minutes of wasted fucking time. My proudest moment was last week where I talked her into giving me a bj in exchange for a pair of pants she wanted.

That said, sex is my weakest area. I still hesitate and do not initiate. Like last night, she's tired, I walk up behind her at the sink, she's wearing a sweater dress, and I pull it up exposing her butt and start playing with it. Kid walks up, on the other side of the bar, so he can't see anything and I put it back down. 10 minutes later she's in bed and already into shutdown mode. FUCK. It's been two days already.

I suck at initiating. It's something my blue pill self won't let me do yet. If I'm more forceful, it comes out very Neanderthal ish. There's no smoothness to it. I'm weakest when it comes to getting satisfied sexually. Yes I've read mmslp; no, I haven't committed it to memory. I'll read it again.

  • Without looking it up, do you know what the word "hypergamy" means?

I know because I saw your answers a minute ago, but before that, no.

  • When was the last time you took your wife out for dinner?

My wife doesn't cook, and I'm a decent to excellent cook, so unless I cook for the family, I take her out all the time. As far as taking her out somewhere nice, it's been about 2 weeks.

  • When was the last time you laughed at yourself?

This is a hard one. I don't make a lot of mistakes to laugh at. I'm a pretty "in control of things" kind of guy, so I'm guessing not nearly enough. Wasn't clear that I was suppose to laugh at myself. If that's the case, I've got a shitload of work to do.

  • Tell me about your wardrobe. Do you own any items of clothing that are worn out? That were a mistake to buy in the first place? That are unflattering? That no longer fit?

I have a decent wardrobe, as four years ago I got serious about getting into shape and lost 75lbs; had to buy a whole new one. Things need to be sharpened up, as I'm a "jeans and polo" kind of dresser. I recently started doing jeans and sports jacket to work every day. I'm not a suit and tie kind of person.

  • Tell me about where you live. Is everything in good repair? Is it recently, tastefully decorated? Is the flooring worn out? Does the heating work efficiently?

I have a decent house, I'd say top 10% in our area as far as size and value. It's the nicest on the block, and people tell me how much they like it all the time. It's about 12 years old, so it's in some need of repairs. Something I'm going to have to start working on. She does the decorating, and it's all decent. She needs to update it, which I've been letting her know lately.

  • Tell me about your diet. Do you make an effort to eat healthily? Or is that pretty low on your priorities list?

I've been eating healthy until these last two weeks. Not power gorging, but not eating super healthy either. Put on 2 lbs over the holidays. Not happy about that.

  • When was the last time you went on holiday to a country that neither of you have visited before?

Last year at this time I took the wife to Spain for 2 weeks. We were suppose to leave for Colorado for a 2 week vacation in an hour, but my oldest kid is sick, so we're delaying that.

I have no idea how I rank on those answers when put through the lenses of MRP, so I'll leave this here for you all to tell me. None of my answers are bragging or boasting. It's all accurate; which is frustrating to me. I know that puts me ahead of the curve, and I should be getting "laid like tile", but I'm not. I've got all the right tools, but none of the right skills.

[–]jcrpta0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Christ, I've got some work to do!

[–]alphabeta49MRP APPROVED0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link

I'll do this, because it'll be a good check for me.

  • You mentioned in an earlier post that your wife has been known to fawn over movie stars and the likes. Tell me, do you earn movie star wages? Very good wages? Average? Below average?

I have a masters degree and I make $40k/year in California. Its pitiful really. I have so much ground to cover, its not even funny. I have plans of starting my own consulting business in my area of expertise (disability and rehab counseling, emphasis on substance abuse), but I feel like I need to be older and with more experience before people trust me like that. Maybe I just need to man up.

  • Following on from this, tell me about your expenses. Have you, at any point in the last two years, had to worry about how you're going to pay the bills? If the answer is "yes", does your wife know about this worry?

Absolutely. My wife stopped working to have our second child, which really put a strain on our finances. She has qualifications to be a personal trainer, and she's done it before, so I'm in the process of building a home gym for her to bring in money and still be a SAHM. Lately I've been very happy with how well I've put my foot down on superfluous spending and taking care of the budget, and I haven't complained or worried to her about how tight it is. I just say, "we have X amount for food. Make it work." She's in charge of meal planning and cooks like a boss.

  • Strip to your underwear and stand in front of a full length mirror. (I am not joking. Do it). Do you see a man who could audition for the next Rocky movie? Or a man for whom "six pack" conjures up images of beer?

I'm currently dealing with an autoimmune disorder that gives me body hives, and I swell up whenever I do anything physical. Literally, "allergic to exercise". I'm getting that taken care of, but I am in NO WAY ok with my physical appearance. I'm not obese (5'8" @ 200#), but definitely no Rocky.

  • Think back to the arguments you've had with your wife. On the whole, have you taken control, said "This stops. Now." and meant it? Or have you spent hours bickering and by the time you finish you've forgotten what you were arguing about in the first place?

Little of both. I say, "This stops now", but I'm too afraid to walk away, expecting her to blow up. I'm working on internalizing my frame and not faking it, then waiting to see her reaction. Good news is, we don't bicker anymore.

  • Tell me about your sex life. Are you fucking her brains out a minimum of five times a week? Or are you getting laid once a month in a way that makes you think she's just longing for you to ejaculate, roll over and go to sleep?

We're ramping up. She's been much more attracted to me lately, and that's without any physical changes to myself (lifting, wardrobe, etc.). Its about twice a week average. She's coming off her period today or tomorrow, so I'm expecting that average to bump up soon.

  • Without looking it up, do you know what the word "hypergamy" means?

Yes. I studied all the sidebar material very well. Haven't read the books yet though.

  • When was the last time you took your wife out for dinner?

About a month ago. Considering our finances, that's pretty good. It was a fantastic evening, fancy sushi place and everything.

  • When was the last time you laughed at yourself?

Couple days ago. I used to take myself way too seriously and get offended and embarrassed if people caught my mistakes and laughed, but I'm relaxing. Its actually fun when you don't feel the need to protect your silly little reputation.

  • Tell me about your wardrobe. Do you own any items of clothing that are worn out? That were a mistake to buy in the first place? That are unflattering? That no longer fit?

Again, finances are tight. But Christmas gifts helped in that area a little, and I'm simply making it more of a priority in the budget now. I dress above average for work (business casual), and I'm wearing less baggy sweats around the house and more comfy flannel plaid button downs and track pants.

  • Tell me about where you live. Is everything in good repair? Is it recently, tastefully decorated? Is the flooring worn out? Does the heating work efficiently?

This is one of my weakest areas. The house we've owned for almost three years is almost 60 years old, needs weatherstripping, mold removed from the bathroom, and the garage kept in better order. The landscape is dirt, old woody bushes, and now weeds thanks to the recent rain. The decorating is great thanks to my wife, but our catch-all office is cluttered and unusable. Small repairs are needed throughout.

  • Tell me about your diet. Do you make an effort to eat healthily? Or is that pretty low on your priorities list?

I eat fairly well. We rarely eat junk food, and everything at home is homemade (down to the marinara sauce and refried beans). We avoid highly processed foods. I didn't overeat during the holidays.

  • When was the last time you went on holiday to a country that neither of you have visited before?

Travel isn't high on the priority list due to the finances. But I'm always dreaming about where I'd take her. I tell her often how I'd love to travel. I think we've formally decided any travel will happen when the kids are older, but I'm not happy with that consensus. Again, finances.

Thanks for that self-reflection. Though not comprehensive, its a good start to seeing where I need to improve.

[–]jcrpta0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago* (5 children) | Copy Link

I'm not obese (5'8" @ 200#)

Unless it's mostly muscle, you are. Well, borderline overweight/obese according to a BMI scale.

(So am I. That was an eye opener).

Thanks for that self-reflection. Though not comprehensive, its a good start to seeing where I need to improve.

I wanted to cover most of the basics without going into too much detail. It's fascinating to see that we all have our strengths and our weak points.

I was worried that my progress had hit a wall long before I'd got to where I want to be.

Now I understand that it's a journey, a continuous process, and while there will be slower and quicker bits, the important thing is that you keep on going, grinding through the bits that aren't so nice.

[–]alphabeta49MRP APPROVED0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

borderline overweight/obese according to a BMI scale.

I looked up a BMI and entered my stats. Damn, that's sobering. Maybe I'll start swimming...?

That's something I realized too. I heard guys say they "swallowed the red pill," and I'm like, cool, I'll do that too. But it truly is a long process. Good to have men around like yourself for encouragement.

[–]jcrpta0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link

It is, isn't it? Amazing how it creeps up on you and you realise that just to reset the scale to top-end-of-healthy, you need to lose 30lb. To be somewhere in the middle of "healthy", you need to lose more like 45lb.

Count calories with a food diary. It takes a surprising amount of effort to burn off 200 calories; it's much much easier not to eat them in the first place - and if you're keeping a diary of everything, you have to think "do I really want to eat this?"

There's plenty of smartphone apps that have a database of foods these days; 90% of popular diets are simply choosing specific foods as a proxy to calorie counting because calorie counting is dull, tedious stuff. But most of the dull tedium is eliminated with a half-decent app - and if you do that instead, it helps you understand where the calories are coming from in your diet.

[–]alphabeta49MRP APPROVED0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

Good to know. I forgot my password to my phone, but once I get that fixed I'll check out some of those apps. Any specific ones you know of for the iphone?

[–]jcrpta0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm using Nutracheck, which I'm very happy with, but it's a UK-centred app and I don't know if they have a US version.

You really want to find something that's localised to your country because if it's done properly, it'll have a whacking great list of both common foods (eg. apples, potatoes, bread) and commercial foods (eg. Ben & Jerry's Phish Food); just punch in what you've eaten and it'll do the rest. For all you or I know, Phish Food is made to a totally different recipe in the US so the nutrition information might be completely different.

Expect to have to pay, possibly even a monthly fee. To do something like this properly isn't something one man can do from his spare room. To my way of thinking, it's no different from a gym membership, some new clothes or booking yourself onto a short course at your local college - it's an investment in yourself, you're spending money in order to make yourself a better man.

[–]alphabeta49MRP APPROVED0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for the info. I'll check it out.

[–]MRP9Married0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Good questions.

Strip to your underwear and stand in front of a full length mirror. (I am not joking. Do it). Do you see a man who could audition for the next Rocky movie? Or a man for whom "six pack" conjures up images of beer?

The key here is not to audition for the next Rocky but to bring your SMV above that of your wife's. Part of that is definitely fitness but it is also how you present yourself. Beyond just getting rid of clothes that are unflattering, start dressing better. Dress like you have power even if you don't. Don't jump into sweat pants the second you get home. It doesn't matter what you wore to work if you wife only gets to see you in sweats and an old t-shirt.

Whiten your teeth. Straighten them. Stay groomed. Get a better skin regimen. Get skin resurfacing. Practice good posture. Get enough sleep.

Do whatever it takes to make yourself the best you that you can be.

[–]cover200 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh please. Probably having about 3 of those under control is enough.

Some of them are easy to fix. Some are hard to impossible. There's no way you should expect crap from your wife. If she's crappy, she is crappy. Her behavior is her fault.

RP is about not taking the blame when it belongs on the woman. But you can't be soft about this, because she could try anything to make you think you aren't a good enough man.

You may be helped by other women. Women are moralistic with each other. And if she's still giving shit, you stop giving a shit. I bit of dread can work wonders.

Much more than being a good little worker and slaving over your BMI. Do that for yourself if you want, but not for her.

[–]NotABibleScholarMarried1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

Here is the issue between men and woman. Woman will say horrible crap to you, and mean it completely at the time. Then 5 minutes later say the opposite and mean it completely. Why¿ because its how she feels. She speaks what she feels and both are true. Men have a hard time with this because they speak what they think, generally not what the feel. Men inherently know (most do anyway) that speaking from what you feel is not generally the truth. This is why you cannot hold what she says when she's upset against her, you just hold her accountable for it which is a big difference. This creates a disconnect in the head of men on what to trusted from their wives how can I be both the best husband, and a pethitic idiiot she has to momy, etc.. whatever. Your both to her based on how she feels. This brings me to my point, women do not understand a man saying something in anger he doesn't mean. When pushed into speaking from our emotions we say things we do not intellectualy believe. When we confess this, it does not compute. Bottom line is only apologize if its really warented, and be careful when admiting to saying something you didn't mean, do so sparingly.

[–]UEMcGillMarried- MRP MODERATOR2 points3 points4 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

Seriously bro, I have an assignment for you.

READ THE LIST. YOUR QUESTIONS ARE ALL ANSWERED IN THERE.

[–]strategos_autokratorMan, Married, Mod0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link

First, of all, thanks for that sidebar. You have no idea how much your work helped me improve my life, and even my marriage. I'm eternally grateful.

Unfortunately, this OP is pretty clear he is only interested in blaming his wife, and on fighting more with her. He isn't into self-improvement or owning his shit. He can read and memorize the whole sidebar, but until he accept his responsibility for fucking up, he can't become a man, now we can help him. That first step is very hard to take.

[–]whinemoreplease 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

hahaha. you're such a bitch. this is your biggest problem. you fix that first.

no i wouldn't apologize because i wouldn't say shit to hurt her. if she wants to go out of her way to be hurt, that's her issue. at the end of the day, i have standards and she has standards. ideally we are working to exceed each other's standards. if that ever fails, we both know we can walk away.

i would never, ever want either of us to be in a situation that we're not happy with.

obviously there are times i apologize for fucking up. note that i'm apologizing because i fucked up, not because she is/was sad.

[–]RPSigmaStigmaMarried- MRP APPROVED0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

It depends. How about you give us an example from your situation.

[–]NoMoreBetaBitchMarried-1 points0 points1 point 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

Don't apologize. You did not intend to hurt her. Her feelings are not your responsibility. Validate that you hurt them, then express that it was not your intention. Then carry on with life.

[–]SorcererKingMRP SAGE - MRP MODERATOR1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

This is most likely the right answer. The whole, "That was mean!" thing is often a shit test. However... context is important. Know when to throw some beta their way, maintain the appropriate mix.

Browse all authors
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2026. All rights reserved.
created by /u/dream-hunter