TL;DR: When you take on the red pill, expect the tension to build with her into the mother of all shit test tantrums as her comfort base erodes and she worries that this new you will dump her, and she seeks comfort, attempts to regain control, and test your fitness. This is a good thing and your opportunity to reset the marriage.

Reading through the experiences of many of us on here, I've noted that there's often a huge fight that occurs at some point after the red pill is taken. This fight is usually different than what is typical in the relationship with a new level of crazy and intensity. They are the ultimate shit and comfort test rolled into one. These fights are going to be exhausting, and it's critical that you succeed.

I wanted to bring this up here for discussion because everyone should be prepared for this to happen as they start to implement these changes in their own lives. I haven't seen a comprehensive treatment of this topic in the source material, and these fights are unique to the married guys (one of the advanced levels of our game, if you will). So, you won't find our other RP brothers having to deal with this.

The Main Event

My Main Event came this July. I had been introducing RP changes since around March. I had read NMMNG a couple years ago and laid a small foundation of boundaries at the time, but the major changes came after the rest of the RP thought was introduced to me. In a casual conversation one afternoon, she threw down some BS request, and I refused. Long story short, she hit the roof, left the house (dinner half-cooked, kids hungry, etc, etc), and moved her stuff into the guest room when she returned hours later.

In hindsight, I probably could have avoided the fight if I had seen the comfort test underlying the BS request, and responded to it instead of the request. That said, her reaction went completely nuclear, and it seems that this had been brewing for a while. I figure she was poking the bear looking for a fight, and if I got that one right, it was just a matter of time before this blew up over some other irrelevant topic. She was just about to get her period (not a coincidence), and I was already preparing myself for one of our typical tough weeks.

For three days she went rolling in the bat guano. Completely off the deep end. I held frame as best as I could. I probably talked with her too much, and I let my frustration show a couple times, but I held the line that I would not be ordered around and I would not tolerate her emotional outbursts. Mind you, when I said she was crazy, I'm not exaggerating. She accused me of everything she could think of, no matter how cruel or detached from reality. Some good examples include accusing me of conspiring with her mother to take away the kids, having a girlfriend on the side, not responding to her so that I could work with a lawyer on divorce papers. Obviously, none of these were true. She even tried to shame me for "letting" her stay in the guest room knowing that she had more stuff and that I was being controlling by not offering to switch with her. Dark days.

After around three days, she calmed down and said she'd like to discuss what was bothering her. We set up a time after the kids were asleep. She calmly laid out her concerns, dealing with the changes that had taken place, she felt that I wasn't being empathetic enough, and that she felt powerless because I "held all the cards" (I make the money and when push comes to shove she knows that I'd be fine on my own). She also expressed that she didn't know where these changes (the new me) were going.

Since then, after months of contemplation, I've boiled her concerns down to the following:

  • She was pissed about the loss of her comfortable marriage to a guy that just gave, did everything she asked, and asked nothing in return.
  • There was the big dread that she realized she might lose me.
  • Once she was able to calm down, she started to realize that the hamster was way out of line and she was embarrassed by it.

At the time, I just tried to reassure her that my main commitment still resides with the family (not her specifically, but always with the kids first), and that I have come to realize that I have not been getting from the marriage what I needed. When she brought up that I seem like I'd be happier by myself, I didn't refute it.

While I was kind and supportive of her feelings, delivered calmly, I didn't want to let her off the hook, apologize profusely for her sadness, or give her any indication that things were going back to the way they were before. I also told her that her emotional outburst was complete unacceptable, no matter how upset she was, but that she was always welcome to bring concerns to me in a respectful manner.

Once she felt heard (it took a few hours), something incredible happened. I gave her a hug and a kiss on the forehead (a powerful paternal gesture, I might add in passing), and she buried herself in my arms. It was very loving and submissive, and I was a little shocked.

Things were never the same after this.

At this point, I felt it was appropriate to invite her back to the bedroom. Once we finally made it to bed, she came over and snuggled in to me and started escalating. It had always confused me how women will do this after a fight, but now with my RP perspective, it makes perfect sense. We had enthusiastic sex that night and the next morning before work, and continued to have sex almost every day for the next three weeks (the timeframe is not coincidence). This had never happened - not when we first started dating, not during our honeymoon, never.

She later admitted to me that despite being pissed, she was also incredibly turned on by my dominant stance during our cold war.

The Three Week Afterglow

So, things were great for three weeks. The mood around the house was a lot more positive, we worked well together, and we had much more fun around each other.

It was easy to get complacent. Things were going great, she got it! She was going out of her way to make me happy, and it was a huge difference. It's important at this stage to keep two things in mind: this won't last for ever, and she will go back to her old ways when she gets comfortable again. Stay vigilant. Remember, she hasn't changed, she’s still like that. She’s just in a little attraction bubble.

Secretly, she was recollecting her strength and starting to pick out the little issues that she would use against me. There is still some fear, uncertainty and doubt about this new way of things around the house, and she will test it. Since things were going so well, I let the little things go. She’d give me an occasional order instead of a request. She’d start throwing little tantrums about the kids or things that need to get done around the house. I would just ignore them instead of more proactive responses to nip them in the bud (in fact I'm still struggling with this). None of them escalated, so I didn't think anything more of it.

The Backlash

But then Aunt Flo comes knocking again. The frustration with kids and house chores come back, then the moods, then the cramps, headaches, and before you know it, the box of tampons are on the counter. In my case, things were still in pretty good shape going into the cycle. They changed quickly. As she became more uncomfortable and frustrated, she got back into the mode of avoiding or defending my advances. She became noticably less playful and Since we stopped having sex for a few days, the attraction momentum trailed off.

Almost overnight, we seemed to go right back to our old ways. My natural reaction was to get discouraged, give up, and resign myself to the conclusion that this was just the way is was going to be. I lost any incentive to make it work, and turned my attention to just living my life while minimizing the wreckage of my home life.

The True Rebuild

Once this cleared, months of a long slow slog through the crap have passed now. The difference was that we had hit a tipping point and she now knew the New World Order, and her only choice was to be on board or move on. Things are improving slowly. She's starting to truly internalize that I am a new man, that it is good for her, that she actually prefers her new role and is more comfortable there. She of course unconsciously tests me, and will throw unbelievable crap at me to see how (or if) I react.

The key has been the overriding mindset of outcome independence and confidence in my own direction. If she doesn't want to be part of it, then that's her issue.

As a status indicator, I came back this last Monday night from a business trip, after the kids were in bed, to find her in the kitchen, lingerie'd up, baking me a pizza. She had been teasing me with texts all afternoon: "please hurry home, I've really missed you", etc. She planted a huge kiss on me and dragged me straight to bed while the pizza cooked, followed by serving me a late dinner in the bath and another romp in the sheets. In all, 4 enthusiastic times in the next 24 hours. Again, that had never happened in our 16 years together. After one of our sessions, she told me she realized while I was gone that our marriage meant everything to her and that she had not done enough to try to make me happy. She felt bad about the years of neglect.

A little absence is golden. It also doesn't hurt that she knew I had a cute, younger, recently divorced co-worker who works for me along on the trip. Her hamster was imagining long company-paid dinners and drinks.

Some takeaways and summary

  • You know it’s coming, so stay calm.

  • Employ true amused mastery and maintain frame – calm, controlled, you are the adult, you are in charge, this is the way it will be (no choices or negotiation), outcome independence (yes, divorce is an option). Your going to slip up, just stay on point.

  • Don’t argue, don’t persecute her for the past, stay above all of it. The less said, the better.

  • If she questions the change, simply acknowledge it, “there were some changes that I felt were necessary to improve myself.”

  • She'll likely seek comfort. As long as it's done with respect, acknowledge and let her know you are committed to the relationship.

  • Let her vent, but maintain boundaries. If she gets out of control, becomes hostile or insults you, the conversation is over. Likewise, as soon as the conversation stalls, strays, or goes in circles, then it’s time to wrap up.

  • In the aftermath of the Main Event, don’t be surprised if she moves into the guest room for a few days. Don’t stop her, remain calm, and don’t back off. This is a shit test. She is looking for you to give in. She needs to make the first move here. She will have a chance to think about things and experience what it's like to be without you. She may test you again. Eventually, she’ll get on board or she’ll state that it’s unacceptable. This is your opportunity to hit the big reset button. Take back control of EVERYTHING, swiftly and with authority. Don't let her back in until she concedes or says she wants out. If she continues to resist, stay in separation.

  • If and when the Afterglow hits, enjoy it, be prepared for another backlash and don't get complacent. The pendulum will likely swing a few times before it settles in the new norm. Stick to the fundamentals - they are your only hope.

Strength, wisdom, compassion, humility, and inner serenity, My Brothers. Thanks for everything - I can't tell you how much this all has restored my life.

I'd love to hear any observations.