714,030 posts

Setting the bar so high?

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November 30, 2018
10 upvotes

I was in a 5 year relationship that was ass. It was my fault. I got lazy. I cheated. I lied constantly to avoid arguments. I didn’t own my shit. Kept relapsing, I didn’t care anymore. All the while I still lived like I was single. I was RP throughout but applied to everything but my GF In a sense. I didn’t even want to try to make things better. I realized that unless I killed the puppy I wasn’t going to change. I kicked her out.

It was the first day of the rest of my life. When I say my life went a total 180 in a month I mean total. I don’t know what really lit a fire under my ass but whatever it was and it had been here ever single.

I’d say I finally found my mission and my fulfillment and attention became absorbed in that rather than drugs and getting women.

From that month I left my job to go to a new career. I Love working with my hands. I love building shit. I love learning. And I love money. I got an opportunity to go to school for HVAC (all paid for) this is something I have always wanted to not only learn but eventually start my own business in. In the meantime I got hired for a guy I always wanted to work for making Great money and learning how to build houses from scratch. Again another thing I’ve always wanted to learn how to do because I want to flip house in the near future. I literally jump out of bed in the morning to go to work. Much like I used to jump out of bed when I knew I was going to cope drugs from my dealer. It is the first time I have found fulfillment in something other than women and drugs.

I was living in a mansion a place I really couldn’t afford and was renting. I moved the fuck out and in with a buddy (not ideal but it’s a strategic sacrifice to save money for a house and get out of debt)

I won’t go much further into the other shit I have been doing because that’s not what this is about.

I have a new girl now and this is the best relationship I ever had. She literally follows everything. I lead. She follows. I handle everything. She messages me everyday saying how grateful she is. That I’m everything she never even knew she wanted. I can’t even go to the store to get milk without getting my dick sucked. This shit works.

TL;DR and my question:

I’m wondering am I shooting myself in the foot here by setting the bar this high? I mean I literally have been applying everything to this new relationship that besides my financial situation. I have everything so on point. My girl is in bliss. I’m jacked. I’m firm. I have boundaries. I make plans I set dates. I provide tons of comfort. I have a mission. I have goals. I make a list of them everyday. I don’t sleep or stop till everything is done. I work my ass off. She feeds off my drive and she becomes motivated herself. I know she and most all women never experienced this. (Including me) But...

Will there come a time now where this will become expected of me to a point where I almost can’t do any more to “up the ante” and I’ll be continuing busting my ass and almost get burnt out?


Post Information
Title Setting the bar so high?
Author TrenGod37
Upvotes 10
Comments 46
Date 30 November 2018 01:35 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/203764
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/a1sh3w/setting_the_bar_so_high/
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Comments

[–]MrTrizzles17 points18 points  (2 children) | Copy

This sounds a little bit like the dude who starts working out, sees some gains and gets worried that he'll "accidentally" get too swole. :)

I can't tell if you're concerned for the future of your own health (ie burnout), or the future of the relationship.

If the former, pace yourself. If the latter, I wouldn't worry about it.

Women should be in awe of their man. Part of that awe comes naturally from thoroughly fulfilling the masculine role, obviously.

Another thing which will inspire awe is living a full and interesting life with aplomb. Of all the impressive skills to master, mastery of one's own life is the most impressive by far. Don't think you'll impress her by letting her see how hard you're working. That will impress her, but what's far more impressive is when it seems almost effortless. This means never drawing attention to sore muscles, or the long hours, or any sacrifice you might make and desire credit for. Your business(es) should never intrude on your personal time anyways, on general principle.

She will see your accomplishments and big wins and be very impressed. Then she will see you, relaxed and carefree, and be in awe. How can you possibly accomplish so much yet seem totally at ease? She knows how much work it must take you, yet you show no ill affects from it all. She knows if she did half the work you did, she would be overwhelmed and stressed. And there's the awe. She won't know how you do it. And she never will, if you're smart.

I speak from experience. My businesses, interests and friends dot the globe. My calendar is always packed weeks out, and I mean day and evening, 7 days a week. Yet nothing is ever missed or forgotten. When I am with my SO she has my full attention. I never appear pre-occupied or worse, stressed from work. I very rarely even discuss my business. This complex thing which is my life runs like a machine. And she is in awe. Sometimes she'll hear or read something about me in the news and put two and two together -- that I was doing all that while also keeping busy in my private life and with her, and I never even mentioned it.

Anyways, hope that makes sense. I've never described this dynamic before. It does so much good in our relationship.

[–]TrenGod37[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Okay I am going to start by saying. I’m saving this comment. Because you’re exactly where I want to be. Only in the totally opposite right now.

I talk about all my hard work. I talk about all my accomplishments. All my goals. Where I want to go. I just fucking talk about it. ONLY THE POSITIVE to be fair. Or if it’s bad I talk about a solution or the solution.

I KNOW I need to stop this. I tell myself everyday I do. And still I talk. I’m working on it but I suck at it. Like I said in a comment above. I have surprised myself so much of how hard I can actually go. How I can keep going without getting tired. How I stopped making excuses. How I stopped complaining. How I’m doing shit most no other man is. I’m so surprised and proud because it’s all new that I feel I have to tell everyone. It’s probably unattractive in a sense. Bc it’s almost like a “mommy look what I did!” Type of behavior. I really want to get to where you said you are. I never bring problems from work into the relationship. Only good but even so just the way you described it. To be calm and cool almost unphased when you just made a big win seems like a cool mastery of self to have.

Have you made any post on this? I’d love to dig deeper into how you attained this and what you got going on.

[–]MrTrizzles1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm going to pull back a little on that claim. I'm thinking now of an associate who gets really enthusiastic about certain things. (He's straight.) In a serious way, not silly or rally-the-troops way. He's a sophisticated man and doesn't seem less so for his chatter. I'm a man of noticeably few words and I dare say his joy can be infectious.

He's usually swept up in the narrative, the larger picture, and he always romanticizes it by correlating things to the grand human virtues or some rubbish. He's also an adventurous man. Anyways, women love him. I've watched their pupils dilate when he's talking. I think awe can be inspired by only observing the result and a rough idea of the time spent (me), or it can be inspired by being taking on a emotional journey, the same feelings that would be generated had they gone on a actual adventure. Women get swept up in that and through it feel a closeness to him it seems.

I don't get a sense from your posts that you seek unhealthy external validation. That's great, because I don't know if an internal/external validation misbalance can be fixed or even realized. But I'm not sure exactly what you're so excited about, and that’s the key. This is the back-of-napkin way I'd break it down. In reference to project X...

  • All excitement about the project, the future success of the project, the role of this project in the bigger project, how the project will affect the world, details of the project--is good.

  • All excitement about the virtues you are displaying in your work on the project--long hours, loss of sleep, physical effort, intelligence, courage, discipline, dedication, perseverance--are questionable. We should never speak about principles in front of women (of interest), we should display them. Same is generally true for most people. It's the difference between mentioning you work out, and having her see that you work out. Or claiming you are intelligent, and having her witness it on display, and not for her. Try and keep the ratio between discussing a virtue and living a virtue as low as possible. Think how many fewer posts there would be in these forums if a 2:1 ratio could somehow be enforced.

  • All excitement related to how you are different than before--is probably bad. For one, never volunteer unflattering information about yourself. All things equal there's just no good that can come from it. Second, will this behavior be exciting in a year from now? Six months? Five years? If not, how pronounced will be the drop? If it's exciting because it's new, that's not so flattering either. Plus, new emotions often fade. As does new behavior, for that matter. Not always, but often. She knows this as well. I think this kind of excitement seems a little perilous.

As for me, I learned to keep my cards close to my chest when I was a young entrepreneur. I was the kid who brought candy, sunglasses, tank-tops and bug spray to sell at the youth/church camps. Always looking to make bank, always had a (mostly) honest hustle going. Nobody else I knew thought like that, so I just kept it to myself. Also came to learn things like, tell people you will not have the item they like before you open for business and they won't visit. If I don’t tell them that I’m not selling their item, they'll come visit and probably buy something else.

More recently some posts by /u/alt-prtsc made me clarify my thoughts in this area. Not this specifically, but more about segmenting different parts of life or a thing, to get the purest experience. Maybe compartmentalizing is a better expression. This dude realized that most of the domestic and operational interactions of an LTR (with children) reduced attraction--discussing what kind of X to buy, travel plans, picking schools, ad infinitum--and does none of that shit in person so when they're together they just fuck, or maintain that mood. Basically took the AF/BB idea to its extreme logical conclusion. It's the most RP thing I've ever heard of.

Edit-And his take on frame was unique and had this clarity that’s always lacked but he never fleshed it out.

[–]redPillOnHard4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

First, nice work. Second, slow your roll. You ended a long term relationship a month ago and you are already in a new one.

Your concern is that you are too awesome and won't be able to keep it up. You are looking for problems. You aren't there yet.

You are jacked. Are you too jacked? Do you stop lifting. Or does that become the norm and you look for weaknesses and focus on improving them?

Enjoy being awesome and jacked, there will always be work to do.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy

You're losing frame. Don't worry about upping the ante or whether you're doing enough to keep a girl hooked. Are you pursuing your mission? Are you your own mental point of origin? Are you owning your shit? If the answer to those questions is yes, then you're doing plenty.

Reflection and self assessment are good things, but don't lose perspective on why you're doing this.

[–]TrenGod37[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Maybe the post came off a bit about it being about her. And it was. But also I’m worried about setting the bar so high FOR MYSELF that I start to almost get bored or burnt out. And have no more to look forward to. Maybe I am just losing frame here and worrying about shit that hasn’t or might never happen

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Your last sentence says it all. The world will throw enough shit at you to worry about. No need to invent problems.

It may help to differentiate between your mission and your goals. I look at it like this: goals are what I want to do while mission is who I want to be. As such, you never really accomplish your mission, and progress is just living in a manner that's consistent with it every day. Goals are tangible accomplishments and more short term. If you feel yourself getting burned out, you can put pursuing your goals on hold while still living in a manner that's true to your mission.

[–]TrenGod37[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Ah that’s a great way to differentiate.

Goals are what I want to do.

Missions is who I want to be.

I really needed to hear that because I did not make a clear distinction on the two. Who I want to become is totally separate from the goals I want to accomplish. Thanks for the perspective

[–]mindfulbutgutlessRed Beret2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

I finally found my mission and my fulfillment and my attention became absorbed in that rather than drugs and getting women.

Be mindful of this line. It almost sounds like your substituting one addiction with another (or obsession). What are you doing to make sure you keep you addictions in check? AA/NA or another sort of support group? I know this shit just doesn't go away, it takes work and support.

will become expected of me

If it is anyone else aside from yourself that creates this expectation, you might want to calibrate.

almost get burnt out and the fulfillment I feel now will become normal

kind of sounds like chasing the dragon, no? Tread carefully when projecting past goals you have yet to accomplish.

[–]TrenGod37[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I wrote about my sobriety and what I’m doing in my OYS post this week. And it does sound like that. What do you mean by projecting past goals you have yet to accomplish

[–]mindfulbutgutlessRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

What do you mean by projecting past goals you have yet to accomplish

its like saying a goal is to be CEO of a fortune 500 company, yet you don't have a job yet. I guess what I was saying it sounded like you were putting the cart before the horse.

[–]TrenGod37[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You’re right. Back to work

[–]mindfulbutgutlessRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

played the tape through

This is not a solid plan to maintain sobriety. This requires you to be in the right mindset to have forethought to do so. Also, from what I experienced is that it is often not what we are addicted to that knocks us off the wagon. It something else, the the rationalization that we were able to do that and suffer zero consequence, so we do it again, and again, then we are back to square one.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockChief Autist in Charge3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Good work but slow down soldier.

You got a lot of Feelz in this post - as you should because you turned your life around.

Don’t feelz the need to impress anyone. Doing this for you. Be yourself tm.

Here’s my take on burn out. Yes, the good feelz will fade quickly as you begin to work. It will become a grind, it always does. Learn to get past the grind- this is where the betas give up - they get a “case of the Monday’s” and “join the TGIF club” at work. Fuck that shit. Don’t fall back on your drug use to cope. Focus on your goals. Save, invest, plan, take care of shit, don’t let shit pile up, fuck hard.

Expansion always follows contraction, contraction always follows expansion. Night follows day, recessions follow growth, growth follows recessions, winter always follows summer, spring follows winter. It’s always been like that. When you feelz the grind, just outlast it, it will get better. When winter comes, time to hunker down and read, learn, grow. You only get so many springs in your life, time to reap what you’d sown. This is your spring right now.

Should read or listen to the law of sowing and reaping by Jim Rohn - really called the law of averages.

[–]TrenGod37[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yes! Fuck yes. Thank you. It’s good to know and prepared that not everything is always going to be or feel this awesome. To fight through the lows, hard ship, because summer always comes again. 💪🏼👍🏻

[–]itiswr1ttenRed Beret1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

This happened to me after divorce. I got here, created a plan with goals guided by an overarching sortie. The goals were a set of tangibles, a train if you will. The sortie was the thing that switched the tracks and called the shots.

HOWEVER, I felt an indescribable...panic? 8mos in, I was slaying my goals and top shelf girls. I was leading everywhere, commanding myself by my own accord. It was feeling effortless, but feeling fucking unnatural.

I realized my sortie/mission had a kink. I subconsciously believed when I accomplished all these little things I would reach some imaginary finish line and the existential dread would go away. But it never does.

You're undergoing what seems like the exact same thing. I overcame it by reminding myself I always need an "unattainable" on my to do list I.e. a truly grandiose achievement that will take some major betterment to hit. Corollary: I had to make sure once I hit the unattainable there was a new mountain top ready to go.

I wrote a TRP post on this that might be a bit more in depth.

Tldr don't panic, you're just surprising yourself and not used to the stability of crushing it.

[–]TrenGod37[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Awesome. This is what I was looking for someone who’s been there and you’re spot on when you say. You’re just surprising yourself. Because I am

Which leads me to another flaw. I’m almost looking for a pat on the back from everyone around me because I was a loser drug addict. Now I’m crushing shit in ways I don’t see anyone around me even coming close to. So not only am I looking for acknowledgement for it. I’m trying to lead everyone else which is good because people around me are actually following me.

But the looking for a “pat on the back” isn’t. I keep talking about what I’m doing to people. Like you said surprised at myself so I’m telling everyone. What I’m doing. What they’re missing. I need to STFU but it’s hard

[–]itiswr1ttenRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

My diagnosis having seen your posting over time is you still aren't your mental point of origin. Practically speaking that means you subconsciously don't think your own approval is good enough, likely because you still think of yourself as a drug addict/loser.

As a result, you have a nagging desire to outsource that approval

[–]hystericalbonding1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

I know she and most all women never experienced this. (Including me)

Will there come a time now where this will become expected of me to a point where I almost can’t do any more to “up the ante” and I’ll be continuing busting my ass and almost get burnt out? It’s Almost like “what else can I do” if I’m already doing everything I should be?

A touch of oneitis. She's the best you've ever had, because you're the best you've ever been. Abundance, my friend.

[–]TrenGod37[S] -1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy

she’s the best you’ve ever had. Because you’re the best you’ve ever been

I agree. Totally. But I also think they’re are women who respond better than other who also have similar goals, vision, more submission. Supportive Etc. She just works better than a lot of other.

That being said. If things go sour I will leave. But she adapts to what I tell her. If I create a boundary. So far it’s been untouched since. She’s a good fit so far.

But that’s honestly besides the point abundance and abundance mentality has never been an issue for me. I used to literally fuck women as my mission. My games on point

[–]hystericalbonding1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Abundance mentality is bigger than that. It's not just about there being another girl. It's the idea that good things will come around. Try some negative visualization - what happens if you let off the gas because of a bad week, bad month, or bad year? It will happen. She'll either add value, be neutral, or add harm. Will you be able to handle those outcomes?

Coming even sooner is the end of the honeymoon. Are you prepared for how it will feel when you are off each other's pedestals?

“what else can I do” if I’m already doing everything I should be?

Nothing. Do what you feel you should be doing. Your life, your mission. You decide how other people are allowed to fit into that.

[–]TrenGod37[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The negative vision actually came up into conversation with me and her. I try to do that and put myself in a place of losing everything so I am prepared to handle it. If it comes we will see.

I have been ready for the honeymoon stage. I don’t think she is. She wants it forever. When I try to bring up reality she gets uneasy but it’s reality. There will come a time. But there’s no sense in trying to talk logic about it to her so I shut up. As for me. Im mentally prepared for it bc I know it’s going to happen. When the times comes we will see how it goes. I believe that’s when the real relationship begins.

As far as abundance the way you described it. I’d say for the first time in my life I feel unstoppable that no matter what happens. No matter. What.

I will be able to bounce back and learn. Mentally I am stronger than I have ever been. Physically I am stronger than I have ever been. Emotionally I am stable. This is my frame. But until shit really hits the fan. You never know. I’ll have to remind myself to keep frame when that times comes. I’m sure I’ll be back

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

You need to progress from “jacked” to “yoked”

Cause as far as I am concerned that is the only thing in your whole post that talks about you.

So DYEL?

[–]TrenGod37[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I do.

But I didn’t miss your point. There’s always something to improve

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I know dude. Seen your pics before. Just busting balls.

Nice capped delts BTW.

[–]TrenGod37[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

😂💪🏼 thanks man

[–]TaipanshimshonRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

> I have a new girl now and this is the best relationship I ever had

wait for it.....

> I’ll be continuing busting my ass and almost get burnt out and the fulfillment I feel now will become normal for both of us?

So you're worried about having her get used to a good version of you because...

you know its all a lie and you arent really that great?

[–]TrenGod37[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

It’s new for me so yea I guess there’s a worry I won’t be able to sustain it for the simple fact. I used to think I could stay clean and I failed Over and over. To point I couldn’t trust myself it was very frustrating for me. So it def had a lasting Effect I won’t lie

[–]TaipanshimshonRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Stop focusing on her.

Read your post.

Then when you realize you’re pedestalizing a girl again - change that

[–]coachdad80 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

How long have you been with the current GF? I find they are always on their best behavior for the first year or so then comes shit test after shit test as they become unsatisfied waiting on a ring. I heard a famous movie star say, I only date for 90 days because every relationship is perfect the first 90 days!

[–]TrenGod37[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

That’s funny. It only has been a couple months. She would probably know more than I would. I’m going to date her for as long as it’s fun and I’m happy. I don’t need to put a time on it

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

There is a huge difference between accomplishing something and sustaining it.

In my slow down mode, I can get a euphoric rush over all my accomplishments, because I have learned to concentrate on completion and not perfection, in everything I do.

It’s important, to focus in on the dynamics of your mission, and your day to day life, and make damned sure there is balance.

[–]DeplorableRay0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You're essentially asking if there becomes a level where her hypergamy will come to expect a certain level of alphaness. The answer isn't in your your actions, but in her options. If she is going to have a difficult time finding someone with your qualities, your probably doing enough. As long as your SMV is higher than hers, she's not going to be considering any branch swings. Maybe, and this might sound crazy, you just start enjoying things and don't take your foot off the pedal.

[–]Redpillbrigade17-1 points0 points  (12 children) | Copy

You were not “RP throughout” if you cheated.

[–]TrenGod37[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yea there was a lot of shit I had to improve on that definitely wasn’t RP I guess I should have said my knowledge and perspective was red pilled. Knew what I needed to do just wasn’t doing it

[–]470_2_700_nm1 point2 points  (10 children) | Copy

What the fuck is meant by this comment?

[–]Redpillbrigade17-1 points0 points  (9 children) | Copy

Cheating is a pussy move. RP is not being a pussy. Therefore cheating is not RP.

[–]mindfulbutgutlessRed Beret1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy

Some people and there morals?

It's only wrong if you get caught

-Jerk-Off

[–]Redpillbrigade172 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy

Not a moral judgment on my part at all (though I can see how it would be for many), purely a practical one.

[–]470_2_700_nm1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

Can you elaborate? Most here including me think you are full of shit.

[–]Redpillbrigade172 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

If cheating is a means to an end, and as we know we’re amoral here, then go do it. Get laid behind your wife’s back. And consider yourself “RP aware “ if you want. Feel good as your SMV gains become de facto.

But if you consider that by cheating you’re exposing yourself to some serious drama and possibly dangerous and most importantly uncontrollable situations (what if she has a nervous breakdown, goes ballistic if she finds out? Does something violent? Or tells her dad/brother/friend who goes ballistic and does something violent or stupid?) that could be life changing, and not on your own terms. I argue that is a risk not worth taking for a high value, RP aware, actualized man.

Want to get laid? Game your wife, try side bar, dread levels etc all the way. Doesn’t work? Open relationship up. Tell her you’re going to get laid. Include her in it. Do a threesome. Doesn’t want it? Then get out. And never promise lifelong monogamy to a woman ever again. It’s shackling, likely unsustainable, and simply worth way more than anything a woman can offer in exchange.

[–]470_2_700_nm1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Aha I see moralizing. You may break her. Someone else might get hurt. How dare you consider risking anyone else for taking what you want.

If a guy’s going to do this, he’s got to be ready to own it. He’s got to have thought it through, just like any other move he may make in life.

And by the way - If you are high enough value - she won’t tell anyone except her girlfriends about her “problem” husband who is fucking half the town while crying through humblebrag tears.

If you don’t get what I’m talking about, you don’t get women.

[–]Redpillbrigade170 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

No. It’s not about her/ them. It’s about the risk to him that in my estimation is (1) rarely worth it after “thinking it through” as you say and (2) value-diminishing.

If “you’re high enough value“ you wouldn’t care about what she thought of it. So why hide it? Roosh said it better:

“Be open and honest with yourself and those around you. Many of us lie to our women to avoid drama. You must put a stop to this behavior. This is what children do, and you wonder why she's treating you like one? Tell her what you're going to do. Then do it. Let her get mad. All she has is words and they are powerless over you if you declare it so."

[–]470_2_700_nm-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Like fuck Roosh has been open and honest all his life. This open and honest bullshit shows me you are the blue pill brigade.

[–]weakandsensitive-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

OMG... How can anyone possibly fuck more than 1 woman???!!! Rude! Just communicate more!

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Fuck outta here with this bullshit.

Ill cheat if required to get what I want. No govt piece of paper will stop me.

Rule 0 faggot.



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