Going Rambo

InChargeMan · 2018-05-09T03:11:14+00:00

The stay plan is the same as the go plan. Keep reading that sentence until you truly internalize it.

You need to cut loose all of the emotional baggage you have wrapped up in your wife's frame and your current relationship. You need to understand sunk cost fallacy. At this point you aren't "fixing" this marriage, this 26 year marriage is dead, in the ground, 6 feet under, gone. Now you work on unfucking your life and fixing you. IF you are successful at this then you might be so lucky to start a NEW relationship with your current wife. This will be relationship 2.0.

The ONLY way this works is for you to see the relationship as dead. That doesn't mean you need to go get the papers, but you need to behave as if it is gone, because that is the truth. Noobs to MRP see the methods as a way to manipulate/fix/trick their wife into behaving the way they want. I can see why that happens, you get here, sprinkle some RP, see some quick results and think you've found the cheat code. The secret to MRP is literally from the matrix:

Neo: What are you trying to tell me? That I can dodge bullets?

Morpheus: No, Neo. I’m trying to tell you that when you’re ready, you won’t have to.

What does this mean for you? It isn't about figuring out just the right things to say or do to influence your wife. It is about fixing yourself ("when you're ready"), and when you do that, the bullets fired at you by women in your life (i.e. shit tests, etc) will have no affect on you (literally imagine yourself as Neo saying "stop" and the bullets just fall to the ground). Fix yourself and most likely you will find that your wife changes with you. If not, doesn't matter, you are now a high value man who surrounds himself with women who add value to his life.

CaptJohnLukeDiscard · 2018-05-09T03:49:23+00:00

Let’s break this down a bit as you seem like you need some serious help.

50 yrs old. Married 26 years. 4 kids, two in house. Referred here from DB. Started reading in nov 17.

26 years. I presume you started dating a while before that. This means that your relationship began before Slick Willy became president. Before Lewinski. Before OJ. Before NAFTA. Before the Internet. Before the vast majority of Reddit users were an itch in their daddy’s pants while making out after prom in a Pontiac Firebird.

I’m not trying to rub in that you are old but rather get you to understand that your road won’t look like a lot of the guys here. That’s ok. You probably don’t have the exact same goals as a lot of guys here because you (theoretically) know a bit more, are a bit wiser, have a few more miles on the tires. Sure, we all want the same general things… a good meal, a nice drink, and a good screw. For you, though, that might look more like a Pittsburg seared steak, a half decent wine, and a slow romp in the fine line sheets versus a young guy who is thinking Whataburger, Shiner, and Netflix & Chill.

MRP can help you but I say all this to say that you won’t have the same outcomes as some of the guys here and they won’t have yours. It’s the equivalent of telling a recent college grad to not expect the same financial results when he gets his shit together as when you get yours. You (theoretically again) should have more firepower on this area because you’ve worked your way up through the ranks and you are worth more now as a seasoned vet than some young buck with more degrees than sense.

You have a long ass road ahead of you and you should expect at least a couple of years before you see real, long-lasting results. The lag will be real on this one. It will be long enough that you need to tattoo on your head “I can be the type of man who gets the type of woman I want but that woman may not be my current wife.” It’s not about her… it’s about you and who you are becoming.

Furthermore, you’ve been a beta bitch for so long that some of these truths and practices will take a while to overcome for you. Given that you are closing in on three decades of this, you may find it harder to change yourself than some idiot whose only been ‘beta’ for a few years. You have deeply entrenched habits to a degree most guys here don't have. Don’t worry about them. You do you.

Got all that? Good.

Last 1RM were over a month ago. Some gains since then. 265 BS, 165 BP, 295 DL, 125 OHP. 20% BF. Body weight 193 lbs. 5’10”.

You are skinny fat. You have a classic dad bod. Listen, I’ll say this until I’m blue in the face but women don’t give a shit about how strong you are… they care about how strong you look. And with those lifts at that body fat %, you don’t look strong. If you were repping 4 plates on bench and 5 on deads at 20% bodyfat, you might turn some heads because you’d have a shit ton more muscle. But until then, you won’t. So you have two choices. A: Quit eating like an asshole and clean your diet up. B: Take insane amounts of roids so you can lose whatever hair you have left and add 80 lbs of muscle in a year before badly injuring your knee. Your pick.

Listen, your wife will get naked for you a lot more quickly if you get down to 10% body fat and keep those lifts where they are than if you increase the lifts by 50% and only get down to 15% BF. Ask me (or any damn dude on this sub) how we know.

Our finances really need work. We bought land at top of last market that has been an enormous drag to cash flow for 11 years (mortgage). Blue pill me put it all in wife’s name when purchased. She loves it.

What is your joint annual income? What is your individual annual income? Do you have any side hustles? How much is the property worth if you were going to try to sell it in the next 90-120 days and how much does it eat out of your take home? How much more do you owe on the property? What is your financial vision as Captain of the home and does your wife share any portion of that vision?

We need to dial in on this part but you haven’t given us close to enough info. You know you fucked up on all this. Help us help you.

Yesterday it came to a head and I pushed again to get her to sign the listing contract. She said no. I told her the relationship is on the line, and I’d go as far as divorce to be financially stable again. She flipped, cried, told me the relationship isn’t what she thought, etc. I finally STFU. (Yes, I agreed with her the relationship isn’t what she thought). Today we communicated totally by text, and she agreed to sign the docs, with the addition that I’ve really hurt her emotionally.

There’s a lot to unpack here so I’ll be brief. First, I’m curious what her reasons are to not list it in both your names… that seems straightforward as long as you have both been equal contributors. Still, hamsters will hamster so it doesn’t matter really.

Second, her agreeing to list it in both could demonstrate that there is still something there to be saved. Otherwise she would tell you to piss off and make you divorce her. This assumes, of course, that she is not just expecting you to continue to slave away paying it off until she divorces you, gets half, and lives with Chad wherever she wants.

Tonight she is ice, and I am also as I don’t want to be in her frame.

That’s not frame. Frame isn’t stoicism. Stoicism when employed correctly can be an indicator of frame but it is the result, not the origin or the actual thing itself. Frame is a vision of your world and yourself which is impervious to others and leads to consistent, measured progress towards your pre-determined goals. That’s frame. Frame isn’t “my wife is acting like a cunt but I didn’t call her a cunt so now I have frame.”

Frame will take time to come to you. Give it time. You are so new to this you need to give yourself the permission to grow into this stuff over months and years. Did that sound gay enough for you? Good.

PROBLEM: I know I fucked up with how I went about it last night.

That’s not the problem. The problem is that you’ve literally lived more than half your life (I assume) training this woman that you are a bitch servant. This latest incident is just a tiny bit of gasoline on the massive inferno that is your life.

Stop worrying about the gasoline. It’s great that she agreed to sign the papers but that needs to be the last thing you expect from her for a long-ass time. You need to focus on you and you only for at least 18-24 months. Give her time to ignore you, then get pissed at you for changing, then get pissed at you for being capable of changing but not doing it until now, then finally decide if she wants the ‘new you’ or if 3 decades of being a bitch has just turned her off that much to you. Honestly, I wouldn’t blame her if she never comes around. You’ve self-admittedly been a loser for 3 decades.

However, that’s ok. During all this time that she is pissed, you are improving you so that when that time comes to make a final decision (fuck me or fuck you), you will be the type of man that can come out of it in a strong position and make the best of your options. That’s your plan. That’s your MAP.

And, at that point, you may decide you are now the type of man that can do a lot better. You will have options and abundance then.

Yes, I’m prepared to GTFO, but she does add value. Do I just stay ice? Act like life as usual?

Focus on you. Stop worrying about her. Treat her like a roommate you need to be nice to but don’t really have much in common with. Focus on STFU, fogging, etc. and stay away for now from AM and heavier stuff. Lightly introduce teasing and kino over a very slow, gradual level. Don’t expect sex any time soon.

I’m still on lower dread levels.

Umm, no shit dude. Stay there. Stay there a long ass time. Stay there until Trump is no longer President. You don’t even need to think about ‘active’ dread for at least 2 years.

She still sees us as equal or me lower SMV. How to handle while keeping my own frame? The problem isn’t staying firm on land sale, that’s a no-brainer, it’s the Rambo move, and using ‘divorce’ as a motivator.

Using divorce as the motivator when you are worthless is a crappy move. It’s a card you get to play once or twice and may generate one or two short term ‘wins’ but it will sabotage long term success and will make her resent you even more.

“What’s this? This piece of shit who can’t handle anything right in his life is threatening to divorce me? I guess I’ll go along because I don’t want to be the subject of gossip at the beauty salon for the next 8 months.” That lasts only so long before she decides ‘fuck it’ and moves on herself. If you are going to threaten divorce, you need to be overwhelmingly ‘good’ enough that she is certain, against her wishes, that she can’t do better.

Stop expecting anything from her for a long time. Focus on you. That’s your plan.

I’m going to shut up now and let this sink in.

drty_pr · 2018-05-09T02:26:23+00:00

You're trying to make decisions as a man who has frame. You have no frame, so you can't fake a framed decision. You'll have to do what you feel you need to do, but don't expect her to treat you with the respect she would treat a man she respects.

Read, lift, STFU. It's a journey. Unfortunately for you there is a bridge at the start of the trail.

ReddJive · 2018-05-09T10:58:42+00:00

The question is how to get back from being Rambo.

The answer is tomorrow is a new day.

Today we communicated totally by text, and she agreed to sign the docs, with the addition that I’ve really hurt her emotionally. Tonight she is ice, and I am also as I don’t want to be in her frame.

Watch what she does. So she signed them papers, so clearly she agrees at some level. Keeping the property was likely just a dream thing or the status of having more. Doesn't really matter.

Your task now is to step up and regain your ground after your emoting. As for Ramboing it up? OYS and tell her. I wouldn't apologize so much. Digression: Apologizing is handed very delicately. I reserve the phrase I am sorry, when I want to show empathy for a situation but really know there is little I can other then be there. I rarely say "I apologize" because I don't really feel bad about the action as much as the words I chose. When emotion gets the best of you emotions can control a lot of thing. So apologizing can seem like you are guilty of your actions....you're not. You are guilty of allowing your emotional state to overcome your senses.

So having zero frame and no Alpha status it would cement your beta even more but phrased like:

"I know how I handled it wasn't the best way. I let my anger get the best of me. It won't happen again."

The trick now is to not let it happen again. Stay plan is the same as the go plan. Keep moving forward. Your actions over the coming weeks need to be pretty on target.

She still sees us as equal or me lower SMV.

you're worried too much about what she thinks. I am not sure it's over over, but brah you did a number that's for sure. I haven't looked at your post history, but she did as you asked. That's something. If she really felt it was over then she would do nothing. Hate isn't the opposite of love. Apathy is.

RingoLaBrea · 2018-05-09T02:41:52+00:00

You took the reigns. That’s the important part. Yeah, clumsy as fuck, but you got what you needed done, done.

It’s not the easy choice, but it’s the right choice. Don’t play angry games. Do what needs to be done, don’t deer. Keep it short. Don’t shut the fuck up, short the fuck up. ‘It’s best’. That’s all you need to say if this come up. Move on happily with your MAP and disregard her mood.

FossilGuy16 · 2018-05-09T03:44:11+00:00

I don’t actually think you Rambo’ed this badly at all. You figured out what needed to be done and then escalated to where she said yes. There is going to be some exteme discomfort for a bit, comes with the territory. There is no way to fix the discomfort any time soon. That is the pain of making the changes, keep focused on the other side and keep doing what you must to get your life on track. How will she react, who knows.

crimson_chris · 2018-05-09T04:04:07+00:00

Eh. Not really Rambo. It was the right decision but the "wrong" narrative. I say "wrong" because you don't have a vision/mission (at least where your first mate is concerned). Without this your wife does not see the bigger picture. As a leader it is your job to articulate this. A woman would do almost anything, with no question, for an alpha with a mission.

Five years ago I let a piece of property that was $30k under water go into foreclosure (a fucking hard decision). I also sold our old house via a short sale. We took a huge hit to our credit - but I painted a vision for what I wanted to happen over the next 7yrs. We also had enough cash on hand where having somewhat shitty credit for a while did not matter. So even with those two black spots on our history, we still have a 710 credit score 5yrs later. My BOA card just upped our credit limit to $13k (will never use it). Two years from now, if the market is right- we will by a house. I did not care about the foreclosure and the short sale because I had a plan. And, my wife bought into that plan which is playing out now.

Lead with your vision, not with threats. If she does not want to be part of your vision - that's just feedback. Don't take it personal.

simbarlion · 2018-05-09T05:25:03+00:00

I’m prepared to GTFO

You are a total liar.

you are not prepared for shit. Lets break it down rambo:

1) you're 20% body fat, 2)she holds all the cards financially, 3)you're lower SMV. 4) you're scared of her, or of losing her.

Your only path forward is to do the work. She doesn't care about your deadlift. She wants a man next to her, on her and in her. Clocks ticking.

Get your head to the point where you WILL GTFO. Be willing to walk away.

BobbyPeru · 2018-05-09T07:00:12+00:00

You’re in deep denial of the state of your marriage.

I’m going to put this very simple. Its over

Time to hit the weights, sidebar, career, hobbies, social life, and work on you and become the best version of you.

rocknrollchuck · 2018-05-09T14:01:44+00:00

Here's something that may help you develop a more Stoic approach in your marriage: How to Become Outcome Independent Using a Stoic Trick

Title	Going Rambo
Author	Whatev22
Upvotes	2
Comments	20
Date	May 9, 2018 2:00 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/8i2cl1/going_rambo/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/going-rambo.204527 https://theredarchive.com/post/204527

Comments