New to MRP, so hello everyone. This one's a bit of a read;

Backstory: I have been with my wife for 16 years, married for 10. We have 2 children together. We're both 33. My wife is an 8-8.5 bartender. In our early years, I was the definition of alpha (or just a cocky young kid). I was a college athlete, my "natural" game was solid, hooked up with plenty of women, I did what I wanted and didn't give a f*ck...all the while I was with my current wife on and off. In those days she was the one chasing me, I had the higher sexual market value, she was willing to do whatever it took to make me happy or please me. THEN WE GOT MARRIED and it all changed. First few years of our marriage was hell, she got tired of my ways, we separated and almost had a divorce. I told myself at the time, if I wanted this to work...I needed to change. So I swallowed a big gulp of the blue pill. I was ready to "grow up". I stopped partying with my friends, cut off all communication with other women, gradually stopped working out. I was in husband/dad mode. I went out of my way to make her happy and be a good father. I'm guessing you can all predict how that turned out. Complete paradigm shift. Now I was the one seeking her affection, the one that wanted to communicate, afraid to lose her or our family, etc.

Present day: I feel I’m not completely Blue pilled, but I’ve let myself go. I guess you guys would define me as “purple pill”, I’m a nice guy...but I still demonstrate alpha traits. She feels safe with me, I try to stay active, I’m a brown belt in BJJ, I’m an amazing father. She constantly brags to her friends about how great our marriage is (was) and what a great guy I am. I f*ck her whenever I want (usually 5 days a week), but almost always have to initiate. She doesn’t really show affection, we mostly have starfish sex, but it gets wild at least once a week. We never fight or argue. But she really doesnt respect me or desire me, it feels like more of a comfort thing. As you guys say, you can’t negotiate desire (or respect). For her, it’s more out of obligation.

Cheating: My wife had a girls night at the bar with one of her friends that lives a few houses down from us. I stayed home and watched the kids (her friends kids included). Long story short, the night ended with me walking over to her house, door locked, pounded for a good 5 minutes. My wife finally answered. I walked in the house and looked around, found her friend naked in the upstairs bathroom. They were drunk and f*cked each other. I was pissed, walked home without saying a word, wife followed behind. She cried apologized, blah blah. Next week I decided to say f it, had her set up a threesome. We were all naked in bed, got a duel bj, banged them a bit, but couldn't get into it. My wife was completely into her friend and I couldn't get over the thoughts of her betrayal. So I stopped, told them I was done and left. Since then I remembered a few red flags from the past and made another discovery. She admitted to having a drunken one night stand with a guy 6 years ago (she loves to blame it on drinking), while our marriage was on hard times. He was friends with one of her girlfriends. I had to manipulate her into telling the truth (acted like I had spoken with him and asked her if there was anything she wanted to tell me). 6 years ago she stayed the night we her friend, she told me there was a guy there and they flirted, but didn't do anything. They made a pact to never tell anyone (he had a fiance’ at the time). So 6 years of trickle truth, always lying when I brought it up and made me feel like a pathetic loser for not believing she was honest. Since finding this out, our communication is non existent. Anyhow, enough puke.

Conclusion: Now I'm at the stage where I'm trying to decide what I should do. I thought she was a "unicorn", yet these revelations have blown my world apart. I can choose to next her, get a divorce and give up being a full time parent to my kids (we just moved to a new state). Or attempt to salvage this, keep my family together, and perhaps even enjoy her newfound bisexuality. I’m leaning more towards the latter, but the betrayal is hard to overcome. Basically my two rules are to respect boundaries and be honest. She’s broken both. I don’t want to force it and she’s doing a piss poor job of making any attempt at redemption...she’s rather ignore it (rug sweep). If I stay with her after all of this, regardless of whether she realizes it or not, she will lose respect for me. We’ve had several talks that really don’t lead anywhere. Ranging from self pity, to her feeling attacked and getting defensive, to deflecting. A lot of “you hate me, you think i’m a slut, why would you even want to be with a person like me, there’s nothing I can do...too WHAT ABOUT YOU, remember how you treated me”, type shiiit. She has no ability to reflect on what she’s done, learn from it and grow. She’ basically feels hopeless and can’t communicate. I’ve tried my best to STFU, but her ignoring the problems and acting like everything is ok is starting to build up. Everything's not ok, yet if I attempt to speak to her about it...that’s “beta”. So I’m not sure where to go from here. I know the advice from you guys will be to stop being a pussy (could tap all of you in under a minute), STFU, read the sidebar, lift, create dread, etc. I suppose what I’m looking for is advice from other MRPers that have been in similar situation. These martial problems is what has lead me to this subreddit. I understand that RP is for YOU, not her...if it saves your marriage...that’s a bonus. I’m at the start of my RP journey and plan to continue, I have started lifting again, I’ve lost about 20lbs in the last two months (ketodiet), I’ve read quite a bit..but def need to read more. I’m trying to transition back to being Alpha and I’m prepared to lose her...but would rather not.

Questions:

  • What advice can you offer for my current situation?
  • What should I work on?
  • Would writing her a letter (in an attempt at communicating) be to beta?
  • Recommended reading material?

Thanks!